heathers74 Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Good afternoon, everyone. I posted a few days ago in "marriage and life partnerships" about my husband. Long story short, I discovered that he's been going to a stripclub for at least 3 years that I know of. I can't seem to get over it. I don't trust him, I'm always wondering what he did, could have done, etc. If I bring it up, he gets angry and tells me its over, he won't go again, blah blah blah. I told him if he enjoyed it that much and wants to go, that he can as long as I go too. I don't think that's beng unfair. He tells me I need to get over it. Advice? Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 I didn't read your thread in the other forum, just this one, so forgive me if you went into more details there, but, do you have reason to not trust him? I mean, going to a strip club, for most intents and purposes, is harmless. It's watching girls dancing. Doesn't equate to leaving with them or whatever... So i guess the question is, do you know that he's done anything with anyone there? Is there reason for doubt in your head? Link to post Share on other sites
Author heathers74 Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 Hello. The thing that really bothers me is how much money was taken out at the strip club. One time he took out over $200! He swears that he just took money out, didn't spend it there. But each time he went he took out at least $80. He tells me he didn't tip or get lapdances. What really bugs me is that he lied~about everything. He used to tell me he hated stripclubs, but here he had been there at least 4 times (that I know of). I just don't get it. I really don't know if he cheated or not, I just know he lied and I can' t trust him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
guin_girl Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 so he only went 4 times in 3 years? When I read your first thread, I thought it was a weekly/monthly event. When he went, was it a boys night out thing? I wouldn't assume that he cheated just because he went to a strip club. I don't particularly like someone I'm with to go, but if they do, my take is, you got yourself hot and horny, you take care of it yourself, don't think your coming home to me to fix the "problem" you created. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heathers74 Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 I honestly don't know how long its been going on, I just found the name of the place on his bank records. (starting in '04). I founr one transaction last year (the day after our wedding aniversary) and it had one tranaction for $85(stripclub) than $60 transaction (same day) at an adult bookstore/peepshow place than another $145 at the stripclub. All in the same f'n day. I'm sorry but I understand men love too look @women/porn, but I think that was/is too much. I had NO idea whatsoever. Now I know why he was always horny! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 You do realize the amounts you are quoting are pretty trivial, as are the number of times you note that he went. I am not a stripclub "patron" having only been in one (batchlor party) in my 38 years of being an adult. I do... and always have enjoyed hobbies and entertainment though. I spent $150 a year "extra" for NBA League Pass on my dish, that's for watching maybe 25 "extra" basketball games a year on TV, depending on my schedule, and spare time. Would you consider that to be "a lot" of money? Are you aware that an NBA or MLB game costs roughly $150 per person per game for tickets, a beer and snack? An NFL game more like $200.00. Dinner and a movie for a couple.. easily $125.00. A night at a comedy club, $150.00 for a couple. If the worst thing he does is blow a bit of money twice a year watching strippers... (he's not spending enough to do more than watch) you don't have a problem. Be happy he isn't lusting after a new Corvette... or even a new Playstation and a few games. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heathers74 Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 Here's the thing~we almost lost our home!!! My husband lied to me that's what bothers me! Oh and we have tons of "entertainment" here at home (computer, digital cable and he has 2 boats!) I don't really like the idea of my husband going anywhere to look at half naked women, does that make me wrong? Oh and he was spending at least $100/month on porn websights too. It really bothers the hell out of me. Am I wrong? If I were to grind on some guy's lap, that would really piss him off but he can have it done to him? Maybe I should go out and get a job there and see how much he'd like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heathers74 Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 Oh and he has an X~box! Link to post Share on other sites
RocketMan2 Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 What actually bothers you? Is it the looking at porn? - What bothers you about that, that hes looking at other women? I don't know your situation but I dont think looking at porn is a bad thing, as long as its nice porn and not anything dodgy. Why dont you watch some together, you might like it. Theres men in porn too you know! Is it the lying? If so then you need to address this without entangling the strip club thing into it, because if he wants to do it, he'll get defensive. Maybe he lied to you because he knows you dont approve, but to him its harmless fun and he doesnt want to cause argument? Thats not THAT bad, at least he was thinking of you. I think you need peel away the layers of your emotions and find out whats ACTUALLY bothering you, and address it directly P.S. If its the money, you really shouldnt be paying for internet porn... tell him to get bittorrent or something. (Im a web developer, its my job to know these things, honest ) Hope that helps Link to post Share on other sites
fatty Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Completely agreeing with rocket man. So what if he went to the strip clubs? What are you going to do, lock him in his room. Reading through your post/replies I feel that you are looking for a sense of closure. You want some closure on some issues I beleive. It is ok to have closure and it is part of the process of moving on. A step further is accepting for what it is. He went to a strip club, got lap dances and maybe he did the "deed". It doesn't matter now because, I am assuming you guys broke up, it is time to focus all this energy on yoruself and heal yourself. The only person you can CHANGE is YOURSELF not anybody else in the world. Even though you want to question and ask why he did all this? As yourself, What is the real reason you FEEL this way? Its to bring the focus back to you and not him. Deal with yourself and cut him out of the equation. It's hard and painful. But you will be a stronger lady after all of this has blown over and will one day read your posts and laugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heathers74 Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 Ok I think I figured it out. I can't stand the fact that he was getting off on other women. Jealous? You're damn right I am! We have 2 kids, our youngest is 18 months old. He had No reason to go spending a bunch of cash there. Not when we have a mortgage and other bills. As far as the porn goes, I have no problem w/ porn. I have a problem w/ paying for it, when we can download it for FREE! If I were fat, ugly, didn't **** him, I'd understand him going. (now don't get offended by the "fat" thing, he just doesn't like big girls.) I know I need to let go, I just don't know how. Oh and he's back at home. For how long? I don't know. Perhaps all this is funny to you, but it's not fun for me, at all. Link to post Share on other sites
RocketMan2 Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Oh and he's back at home. For how long? I don't know. Perhaps all this is funny to you, but it's not fun for me, at all. Hey heather, Noones laughing at all. Im sorry if i misjudged your tone (its hard when its just text), I was simply being lighthearted. What do you mean hes back home? Maybe i missed something, sorry ill re read your posts and get back to you. As for the jealousy thing, strip clubs and porn are very different. Im not sure how i'd react if my gf was going to see the chippendales or whatever. Hmmm. Well i suppose it comes down to trust. Theres going out with the lads for a laugh where nothings serious just a fun night, and theres going on your own at 3am. Is it JUST this that makes you jealous, or do you think theres something else and youre just focusing on this aspect of it? Maybe thats the bit i missed about "him being home now", hes away a lot? Link to post Share on other sites
Author heathers74 Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 Hey, it's ok. I've been a mess these past few weeks. My husband was out of the house for a few days. This stripclub has been known for it's illegal activity. It bothers me because of how much $ was spent there. That and he's been going to this place for,it turns out, 5 years!!! I have asked him in the past about going to a stripclub and he always said "no, I'm not into them..." I feel that if you're going to lie, there's a reason behind it. He tells me he would go there for lunch w/ the rest of his union buddies. Ok fine, but a $ 200 lunch? Yeah, ok. I'm not stupid. As far as the porn goes, he even had it on his cellphone!!!I just don't know anymore. I feel like I don't even know him. Maybe I never did. Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Hey, it's ok. I've been a mess these past few weeks. My husband was out of the house for a few days. This stripclub has been known for it's illegal activity. It bothers me because of how much $ was spent there. That and he's been going to this place for,it turns out, 5 years!!! I have asked him in the past about going to a stripclub and he always said "no, I'm not into them..." I feel that if you're going to lie, there's a reason behind it. He tells me he would go there for lunch w/ the rest of his union buddies. Ok fine, but a $ 200 lunch? Yeah, ok. I'm not stupid. As far as the porn goes, he even had it on his cellphone!!!I just don't know anymore. I feel like I don't even know him. Maybe I never did. Thanks for listening. Heathers, My opinion (and no I do not freequent these clubs) if he went there is not much too worry about it, the girls really want the guys money for their "showing", however, if he is getting lapdances or whatever and can't own up to the whole story then that is flatout mistrust and lying. Period! Deal with that how you would any other mis-truth. Am4Real Link to post Share on other sites
RocketMan2 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I feel that if you're going to lie, there's a reason behind it. I'd say that to him. Tell him it makes you jealous, but you dont want to stop him having fun with his friends. I bet if he was honest with you, you wouldnt be so jealous. Tell him that too! He doesn't sound like he's going to stop going, so why don't you come to some mutual agreement? Provided you explain your feelings to him in a way which isnt going to irritate him - i.e. dont let him know youre jealous by saying "oh youre off in that strip club getting lap dances off filthy girls", say something like "<name> it really makes me quite jealous you going to those places. I do trust you but the thought of you getting attention of other women really bugs me." Defer the blame from him onto the strippers, then he shouldnt get too defensive.) - then he should understand, if he doesnt, then maybe hes not the guy for you. You deserve someone who is considerate of your feelings. Tell him that if he wants to go, you dont mind as long as hes open with you. If he cant understand that then hes an idiot, sorry. As difficult as it may be, approaching things from his point of view can really help you win an argument. Think about your approach from HIS point of view. If he's not the sort of person to easily back down or accept criticism, dont just blow up at him, show him that you understand HIS needs (or whatever bs you want to make up to get through to him) but that you have needs too, and would appreciate it if you (as a couple) could work together to sort it out Hope that was of some use Link to post Share on other sites
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