boshemia Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Where do commitment phobias come from? I'm not sure if that is my real problem or not, and if it is I'm not sure what to do about it. I've talked about both of my marriages here, the first was not a pleasant experience. He was verbally abusive, and it turned physical a few times. I got divorced and within three motnhs I was with my current husband, and we have had our share of problems as well. It has been tough but he said he was willing to do anything, and in the last nine months I have seen some major changes in him. Quitting drinking and counseling have helped a lot. My current husband and I have agreed to get divorced and keep working towards a time when we can be together again. I'm not prepared to blame all of our marriage problems on the men however, because if it happened to me twice the only common factor in the relationship was me. So I'm trying to think healthy thoughts and something in the back of my mind keeps popping up. I am terrified of marriage... while all of the other girls were getting engaged to this guy and that I ran if a guy got too serious. I'm not even totally sure how I ended up married twice. Both times we were engaged for two years prior... I'm even this way with friends to a point... I kind of get too close too fast, pull away, and it's almost a relief if they screw me over. It's almost like I only want relationships with people who can't possibly love me in a healthy way. While my husband is talking about working on our marriage I'm happy the way things are. I am enjoying living on my own with my kids and just hanging out. My wise cousin says it's because the healthier my husband gets the harder it is for me to love him. I actually need dysfunction... I have never been close to my mother, never knew my father... was molested as a child, and raped as an adult... could that be part of it? My Mother had been married (and divorced) five times... I know that has something to do with it... I'm afraid that I will never be able to be happy in a marriage, that somehow I am just cursed to have bad marriages and I'll do the world a favor if I just stay single... Help... Link to post Share on other sites
Grrlish Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Boshemia: Similar stories, at least on the surface. Mother that I had to take care of, grew up without my dad, molested as a child, raped as a teenager... I'm 41 and have never been married but have spent most of my adult life in long-term relationships. I am lucky and I do have a small group of close friends (lucky because it takes more than one hand to count them). However, I do choose my friends very carefully, and it has been years since I've made a new friend that has become constant and important in my life. (However, sometimes that's a function of getting older, as well. People get busy with their own lives, etc.) Your cousin is onto something. When we change (as your husband is 'growing' and becoming healthier), the people around us have to change (you have to get healthier). If we do not act and re-act in a way that others are used to, they either have to grow and/or change or exit. I'm simplifying this, but you get the picture. It sounds like you've taken a big step toward self-awareness. If you're not in therapy, that's your next step. Or choose to continue on in unfulfilling, dysfunctional relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
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