VinaAmez Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 VinaAmez - I have tried to stick up for myself in the past and she tells my sisters and all 4 of them attack me for it. The fourth one who I hate just as much as mum is coming up this weekend and she has been violent towards me in the past so I know mum will love telling her about any incidences between myself and her so that my sister can have a word with me or get physical. Everytime I try to stand up for myself I always end up suffering the consequences for it so I try and stay silent to make life a bit more bearable for myself. Ugh...that sucks. But I can understand staying silent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 Yes it sucks staying silent but its my method of surviving cos thats what Im trying to do til I get out. I am going to make an appointment that I will go to in a fortnight and make actual arrangements to get out cos Ive had enough. Mum bitched about me to her best friend who came to visit while I was sitting in the room and telling her about my refusal when she offered me the holy food and that she was feeling bad about it cos its from the house of worship and I didnt eat it. Her friend said she shouldve called her and she wouldve beaten me up but she said it in a joking way but it didnt stop me from getting angry. I dont know..am I making a big deal out of this? Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 No you aren't making a big deal out of it, but you really DO need to get out. Your mum sounds unhinged, and thats generous. Your future is at stake. Coco, you have been talking about leaving since the beginning of the year, and we all want to see you do it!! Hope next week is D day.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 Hi sb129 - I think the time has come to get out now. I am going to call the lady who handled my case and get her to make calls for arrangements for my stay. This is getting ridiculous and I want to keep the small amount of sanity that I have left. I am going to call her before my bitch sister comes up this weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 I am going to call her before my bitch sister comes up this weekend. Maybe you can get out before she comes. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Yes it sucks staying silent but its my method of surviving cos thats what Im trying to do til I get out. I am going to make an appointment that I will go to in a fortnight and make actual arrangements to get out cos Ive had enough. Mum bitched about me to her best friend who came to visit while I was sitting in the room and telling her about my refusal when she offered me the holy food and that she was feeling bad about it cos its from the house of worship and I didnt eat it. Her friend said she shouldve called her and she wouldve beaten me up but she said it in a joking way but it didnt stop me from getting angry. I dont know..am I making a big deal out of this? No, you're not making a big deal out of this at all! Your mom is obviously trying to humiliate you by talking about you to your whole family and her friends (means of control...again). Coco, you don't deserve this. Each day, I think of you and hope that you will find the strength to do what is best for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 I think you are amazingly brave to be even considering doing what you are going to do. No disrespect to Moongirl or any of the other people on LS, but when its your family doing the abusing, that adds a whole different dimension. No disrespect taken! I always acknowledge that Coco's situation is different than my situation, and I know that leaving a husband is different than leaving the family you grew up with. But I do know how Coco feels to an extent - the blame, the guilt, the fear of the unknown. And I will support Coco no matter which decision she makes. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Hi sb129 - I think the time has come to get out now. I am going to call the lady who handled my case and get her to make calls for arrangements for my stay. This is getting ridiculous and I want to keep the small amount of sanity that I have left. I am going to call her before my bitch sister comes up this weekend. I hope it works out for you this time coco. No disrespect taken! I always acknowledge that Coco's situation is different than my situation, and I know that leaving a husband is different than leaving the family you grew up with. But I do know how Coco feels to an extent - the blame, the guilt, the fear of the unknown. And I will support Coco no matter which decision she makes. Me too. I don't know how it feels. But I want her to be OK. And you too MG. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Just another voice saying my thoughts are with you! ((((hugs)))) Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 Yes it sucks staying silent but its my method of surviving cos thats what Im trying to do til I get out. I am going to make an appointment that I will go to in a fortnight and make actual arrangements to get out cos Ive had enough. Mum bitched about me to her best friend who came to visit while I was sitting in the room and telling her about my refusal when she offered me the holy food and that she was feeling bad about it cos its from the house of worship and I didnt eat it. Her friend said she shouldve called her and she wouldve beaten me up but she said it in a joking way but it didnt stop me from getting angry. I dont know..am I making a big deal out of this? No you aren't making a big deal out of it. I am with the others in hoping you get out soon "while you still have your sanity." Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 Mum never ceases to amaze me. She just came in the room now (I hid this page) and she just sat on the bed and told me not to hesitate to ask her for money and that Im not allowed to borrow from my friends. That just cos I dont work anymore doesnt mean Im not allowed money to spend but Ive to ask her for it and she wont mind giving it to me Like I have a choice in the matter lol. She takes my hard earned cash away from me and tells me that Ive to ask her for money rofl. I dont know how to handle her sometimes. Her behaviour just confuses me sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 Sense cannot be derived from nonsensical actions. Take it away then offer it to you nicely, but only if you ask (and can prove you need it, most likely!) Very strange indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 Hi Coco, That's what most abusers do...they swivel back and forth between trying to control and "acting" nice. It throws you off balance...because you think, possibly, that they are able to be nice sometimes. But, really, when you analyze it all, most of what they do is meant to control, to gain control, and to keep control. You must feel like you live in an alternate reality. I felt like that sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 For those who have read my previous posts, my sister came up to visit from England on Thursday and as predicted, it was a complete and utter disaster. Thursday: They came up about 9pm and all was ok so far. It was a happy atmosphere cos it was my Dad's 55th birthday so we had a meal and watched telly together. Mum and my sister didnt say a bad word against me which is a first. My sister praised me to my brother-in-law that I was a very generous kid which I guess is part compliment part insult implying that Im not like that anymore. I stayed up with them until 12.30am and went to bed cos I had an early start at university. Friday: I had a long day at university and I was shattered when I came home. I got home around 4ish and my sister was still in her pyjamas and hadnt washed or anything yet lol. Later on that evening, the verbal attacks began for no reason. I was sitting with them in the living room and mum started making up a list of complaints about me to my sister. My sister said she reads my emails and said that my behaviour towards my friends is different from my behaviour at home and wanted me to explain this. I was tired and I asked her why and she said its cos Im hurting a lot of people. A lot of harsh words were exchanged, cant really remember what cos I was very angry and I got told that Im not allowed to be angry after what I have done and that she can get vicious and even beyond it. The door bell rang and it was my brother-in-law. My sister was closest to the door and she got on her feet to open it then sat back down and told me to do it. I was raging at this point and I angrily got my feet off the table and pushed it full force away from me. I walked into the kitchen and slammed the kitchen door full force behind me. I was mad but I didnt mean to slam it so hard. After I let my brother-in-law in , my sister came and got in my face asking why I slammed the door to which I replied it was an accident. She said "I f*king better was, you wee *****e". I sat in the other living room and I tried to do my dissertation work but I was too upset. They were all talking and laughing together. I went upstairs and crawled into bed and cried for hours. My brother-in-law came up and I think he heard me but didnt ask if I was ok. He asked if he could use the computer and I quickly replied yes to get him out of my sight. I went to bed at 11.15 on an empty stomach with my eyes swollen and a red face. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 Saturday: I got up about 10.30am and came downstairs. I was sitting in the living room and mum was asking what my sister and brother-in-law want for breakfast and was discussing it with them, I didnt get mentioned so I thought "f*ck it" and went into the kitchen and cooked breakfast for myself. Mum came in and got angry that I didnt offer anyone else. I just ignored her. My sister and her hubby were going to the twin's house that night, stay the night there and leave for England the next morning. I was pleased cos I couldnt wait to see the back of them. Mum and gran were going too for a visit so I would have the house to myself all evening. Mum was telling me to be careful in the house etc and I was watching telly but I looked at her and said "ok" and continued watching the programme. My sister told me to look at mum when Im talking to her and I said I did and she accused me of lying. She said she is watching me to which I angrily replied "Ive noticed". When she was going to go she told me "im going away" to which I said "ok" and walked out the room. What was she expecting? A hug?! She then called me back in the room and said she didnt mean to shout at me and I gave her a surprised look and she said she was going to say more nice things to me (lol) but wasnt going to cos it didnt look like I care - damn right I dont. You can imagine the look of horror on my face when I saw her come back again at 12.45am to stay the night at ours and leave for England from our house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 Sunday: The day they are going to leave. I got up and went downstairs as usual. My other sister and her kids had stayed the night as well. I was sitting in the living room and my sister was cooking sausages and bacon and mum told me to go and help her - it doesnt take 2 people to do that does it? I flipped my lid cos whenever I do something like that I do it myself whereas if she does it mum tells me straight away to go and help her. I had a go at mum for this and my brother-in-laws were sitting there and were talking so they didnt hear it. I went into the kitchen and asked what needed to be done anyway and mum came chasing after me to tell my sister what I had done. I got called shameless and had an intense argument with my sister. I reminded her of the incident where I had beaten her up and she laughed saying that she was ready to finish me off but mum restrained her lol. She was crying like a baby at that time and I only had a bruise on my arm. Oh yeah she so had me *rolls eyes* She said she knows more about me and my ex than anyone. She made me swear on her pathetic life last year to tell her how intimate me and my ex got. She said she kept her mouth shut cos she is embarrassed and asked me if I feel any shame or if I felt proud of it. I told her to drop dead out of anger and she said "After you bitch". Mum and her had a bitching session and subtelty is not their middle name. I could hear them from upstairs and heard them say that Im shameless and that I should get lost. I locked myself in the bathroom and self harmed again and cut deeper than usual. I had a shower after and the cuts stung due to the warm water. Mum was banging the door down saying that they had to showe so they can go. I deliberately took my time. I straightened my hair and went downstairs. I didnt say bye to my sister when she left. I couldnt even look at her. Her car crashed near Carlisle and I got blamed for it saying that I made her feel like crap. Yeah it was me who locked their steering wheel Well that was my crappy weekend Sorry for putting this in seperate posts, I tried to put it all in one before and my session timed out and I couldnt do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 I locked myself in the bathroom and self harmed again and cut deeper than usual. I had a shower after and the cuts stung due to the warm water. I'm sorry your are having such a rough go of it CM.. it sounds like you could use some help.. Do you have anybody that you could talk to about how bad these things bother you ? Do you see a counselor or take medicine to help with the cutting ? Dealing with family can be rough..' ((((Hugs to you)))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 Hi A_C I dont take medication or anything like that and if you have read my previous posts, my family have no idea about this and they have forbidden me from getting any type of counselling so Ive had no choice but to see my university counsellor behind their backs. Thanks for hugs Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 my family have no idea about this and they have forbidden me from getting any type of counselling so Ive had no choice but to see my university counsellor behind their backs. I'm glad you are seeking the help of the counselor at the uni.... I'm just glad that you post on LS..I'm sure having an outlet can help with everything.. I'm sorry I can't really offer any advice.. just a few more hugs.. when I read your post I felt your pain and it hurts me to know that you hurt so much inside..I can only offer my ear... I hope it helps.. (((Hugs))) Keep the faith... Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Me too Coco. I don't know what else to say anymore, except keep encouraging you to try and get out. x Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 Its got to the point now that Ive stopped caring. I didnt feel anything when I heard about the crash, if anything the first thought that entered my head was "good, she deserved it". If I am emotionally detached from the family now I think now is the time that I am ready in every way to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 Art, It is nice to have found this place where I can let go and just say what I feel without the fear of being judged. This place is helping me with my progress and keeping me sane Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 Hi Coco, I'm sorry to hear about your crappy weekend. Wish you were here so I could hug you. Like your family, my husband also forbid me from seeing a therapist and taking medication. He told me it was only for the weak. lol. What I realize now is that he was probably concerned that a therapist would side with me and encourage me to leave him. I'm SO glad you talk to your counselor at uni and post on LS. It would probably help you out a lot too if you can get some medication to help deal with some depression and/or anxiety. If you leave home, you will have the chance to take care of yourself and get the help you need. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 So when's the next time you can leave? Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 So when's the next time you can leave? She can leave at any time, even now or tomorrow but the hard part is actually doing it Link to post Share on other sites
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