Second thoughts....

[magichands]

She can leave at any time, even now or tomorrow but the hard part is actually doing it

Leave?! She would be better served devoting time to her studies. (And thus making herself less of a target!) Some people lose sight of what the real world is about.

[IpAncA]

She can leave at any time, even now or tomorrow but the hard part is actually doing it

Yes I understand that and it's easier said then done.

 

I was asking that because I thought she had to set up a date to leave with that group that's helping her.

[CardPlay3r]

Leave?! She would be better served devoting time to her studies. (And thus making herself less of a target!) Some people lose sight of what the real world is about.

 

Yeah, having hell at home is great for her studies. You know magic, following many of your posts I think you give bad advice on purpose, you always seem to give advice that would prolong people's suffering, I think you're enjoying it

[magichands]

Yeah, having hell at home is great for her studies.

Most teenagers would describe their homes as a living hell. They simply have no idea about the sacrifices their parents make for them.

[CardPlay3r]

Ok, so being 21 and locked up in the house for 3 months, punished for having a bf, having your year's wages taken from you and forced to quit your job then being pushed into an arranged marriage, not allowed to have friends are normal teenage things right?

 

I know you're just stirring up thing as usual, haven't read one constructive post from you ever.

[sb129]

Now now children.

 

Coco- ARE you going to try and leave soon? Is it possible?

[MoonGirl]

Ok, so being 21 and locked up in the house for 3 months, punished for having a bf, having your year's wages taken from you and forced to quit your job then being pushed into an arranged marriage, not allowed to have friends are normal teenage things right?

 

I know you're just stirring up thing as usual, haven't read one constructive post from you ever.

 

 

Agreed. Coco is no longer a teenager...and certainly does not lead the average teenage life.

[blind_otter]

Most teenagers would describe their homes as a living hell. They simply have no idea about the sacrifices their parents make for them.

 

I think you're speaking from your own personal bias.

 

Hell, my mother sacrified a whole hell of a lot for me. But she also beat me with a broomstick until I was black and blue for minor offenses at best. One does not negate the other. But just because you make sacrifices doesn't make you a good parent. Every parent makes sacrifices.

[magichands]

I think you're speaking from your own personal bias.

And so are you. I'm very sorry that happened to you. I don't see the parallels in this thread. I agree that there are no excuses for black-and-blue beatings of children.

 

However, there are some adults I would like to kick the sh*t out of.

[coco_milkshake]

Magichands, my life has been made a misery for the past year. I got spat on and was pushed around, had my jaw grabbed etc for having a boyfriend. I was called a prostitute by my mum and was told that I deserved to be dead.

 

I was placed under house arrest for about 3 months and my accounts online were watched. I started self harming and got suicidal. I started relying on painkillers to relieve my constant headaches and to help me sleep. I was banned from getting any counselling and I was bullied and insulted verbally day in and day out. I had no one to talk to and those who knew about me and my ex, I was made to cut off all ties from them. Forgive me MH but you have no idea.

[magichands]

Forgive me MH but you have no idea.

I'm not excusing any of those things, but I realise there are three sides to every story. I'm sorry that you're not feeling loved, and I really believe you have to try to meet them halfway.

[coco_milkshake]

Ive tried that and I have had nothing but pain along the way. They are fine when I be the person they want me to be but hate the person I really am. I thought the love from family was supposed to be unconditional? What mother compares her daughter to a prostitute tell me that much MH.

 

I agree my parents have done a lot but they have given me a lot more grief than I can take.

[magichands]

What mother compares her daughter to a prostitute tell me that much MH.

I agree that's bullsh*t, and very hurtful of your mother to say something like that. Let's look at the big picture. You went behind their back. There is something to be said for, "Live under my roof, live by my rules." Within reason, of course. And you were breaking the rules.

[CardPlay3r]

And I guess not being allowed to have friends, to go out, or to have a bf when you're 20 is within reason eh?

[magichands]

Just protecting her from people like you. LOL.

[IpAncA]

Well from what CM has been saying, that ISN'T a healthy situation to be in. She's being abused and has every right to get out of it. Even the people she's been talking to agree.

 

For me, I was personally verbally abused for about a couple of years and let me say it did more damage then good. For those who HAVEN'T been abused, you have no idea what it does to a person unless you experience it. I was called a liar almost everyday among other things and let me say it's horrible walking on eggshells. Absolutely horrible and it's not something I would wish on anyone.

 

No matter what I did or how hard I tried, it wasn't good enough. I could even sense when the abuse would begin and did everything in my will to prevent it. If I failed then I would adjust my strategies so that is would happen that way again. I did this everyday.

 

The abuse went all the way down to what I ate and yes I didn't eat that much because I was afraid of getting blamed for eating the food. So what I would do is get about 4 or 5 things and tell that person what I had and that's all I had. This way I wouldn't get in trouble. I mostly had to sneak food and would eat mostly in my car while out driving around. But even that didn't work because my food in the house would be gone. I would cook something like Mac & Cheese and it would be gone before I got done eating my bowl. Of couse I would say something and then I get the "Oh, sorry."

 

Then there was the wash. I wasn't allowed to do it so I had to do it when people wern't around. I would get yelled at because the washer moved or if that person felt I had to much in there. And believe me I TRIED to adjust it so I wouldn't get in trouble. It didn't work and then it would led to me getting yelled at again about something in the dishwasher or I didn't park my car right, etc....list of s**t goes on.

 

So even though I'm not anymore, I still get flashbacks at the slightest yell. Sometimes before my H comes home, I make sure that he can't yell/get up set at NOTHING. I'll check the house and make sure nothing is out of place. Even though I know he won't, it's just habit from before. He had no idea that I do that either.

 

So there's my story.

[coco_milkshake]

I agree that's bullsh*t, and very hurtful of your mother to say something like that. Let's look at the big picture. You went behind their back. There is something to be said for, "Live under my roof, live by my rules." Within reason, of course. And you were breaking the rules.

 

You said that I should meet them halfway, there is no middle ground as far as they are concerned. Yeah its their house and fair enough they make the rules, but this is ridiculous. There is a difference between making rules and being controlling.

[MoonGirl]

You said that I should meet them halfway, there is no middle ground as far as they are concerned. Yeah its their house and fair enough they make the rules, but this is ridiculous. There is a difference between making rules and being controlling.

 

I agree...middle ground for an abuser doesn't exist. If you give them more and more and more, it is simply just never enough.

If you agree to one thing an abuser asks, they'll think you're weaker and then demand more.

 

Like IpAncA and Coco, I know what it's like to walk on eggshells, to try to adjust your habits, the things you say, and EVERYTHING you do for an abuser...but nothing you can do is ever good enough - the abuse still keeps coming. If you didn't do anything really offensive that day, then they'll bring up something you did in the past over and over again, comment on the way you look, the way you carry yourself, or the way you speak. Eventually, you feel that nothing you do (or don't do) is ever any good.

 

My husband used to tell me all the time that I couldn't put a coherent sentence together...that I was stupid, an idiot, worthless, boring, etc. I became so self-conscious and nervous about speaking to him, that I would forget what I was saying halfway through a sentence. Then he would jump up and down like a monkey and make these "duh duh duh" sounds at me, implying that I'm a complete moron. He also told me often that my teeth were funny looking. I didn't even want to open my mouth anymore because I was embarrassed about my teeth. He would complain when I didn't cook dinner, but then tell me that the food was terrible if I did cook dinner.

 

What I knew before I was with him and what I realized again before I left him is that I am a very educated, attractive woman with a good job. I have no idea why I put up with him for so long.

 

Coco is right, rules are REASONABLE, like get good grades, be home at a decent hour, help out around the house. ABUSE is different and is UNREASONABLE. There is never a reason to isolate someone, hold them captive for 3 months, steal their wages, force them to quit a job, call them names, humiliate them again and again.

[magichands]

, hold them captive for 3 months,

I suggest that you choose your words more wisely.

[IpAncA]

Like IpAncA and Coco, I know what it's like to walk on eggshells, to try to adjust your habits, the things you say, and EVERYTHING you do for an abuser...but nothing you can do is ever good enough - the abuse still keeps coming. If you didn't do anything really offensive that day, then they'll bring up something you did in the past over and over again, comment on the way you look, the way you carry yourself, or the way you speak. Eventually, you feel that nothing you do (or don't do) is ever any good.

 

Well I'm still not 100% sure it was just this person because now that I'm on my own things between us are fine. So some of it leads me to believe that it me just being a burden and some other things as well. Then the result of it was me being the sounding post.

 

I never really knew about verbal abuse until I came on here so I'm just starting to put things together.

[jmargel]

I am so mad at myself right now. I had the perfect chance yesterday to call SWA and arrange to leave after my final exam on the 26th. However, I couldnt muster the courage to do it. I cried the entire way home on the train cos I was so angry with myself.

 

I know that I cant live like this cos I am close to losing my mind but at the same time I just cant take the necessary steps to do something about it. My head is all over the place and its come to the point that I am so double minded I am close to going insane. I dont know what will motivate me to get out of there cos I genuinely do want to live my own life and not live the remainder of it full of regrets.

 

I am hurting right now cos I even had to push a friend away for a while to think clearly. I know that picking up a phone and calling the number is easy when saying it but actually going ahead with it is anything but. Going away from everything that is familiar to me is scaring me so badly but I know I aint happy here either.

 

My family are joking about my marriage a lot - arranged one and Im just smiling and nodding but inside its killing me. I know that if I voice my concerns about it or even say I dont want one I will probably get emotionally blackmailed into it. I had a talk with my mum about 2 years ago saying I did not want one and she agreed that it was my decision but now she is acting like that talk never happened. That is the only time we had a proper mother-daughter talk.

 

Im going out of my mind here cos either way, I am going to have to live with my decision and both are going to affect me for the rest of my life.

 

I just read your first post and have not caught up on the 10 pages. But from my family's experience my brother met a girl who was a mennonite. Her family was very strict and they had a re-arranged marriage for her. She got to the point that she could not do this. When she told her family this, they said if you don't marry this guy you will be thrown out of the mennonite family and be disowned by her own parents.

 

She struggled with this but in the end decided to leave her family only because she knew she couldn't live a life this way. Her family since has disowned her and has no contact with her, my brother or their 4 year old little boy. It is very sad, but my family has basically taken her parent's place. Though it can't be a total replacement, we could show her what unconditional love is all about.

 

Not sure why your family has this pre-arranged marriage for you, but this is YOUR life, not theirs. You really need to stand your ground and protect your own future. If they decide to try other tactics to get your to 'follow their ways' then it's time that you tell them either they respect your wishes, or that you are moving away.

 

Unless you demand respect in this situation you won't get it. Just because you live in their house does not mean they can control your life to this extent. Though I know you are afraid, the unknown is not quite as bad as our imaginations tend to make it be. Have faith in yourself to allow yourself to be happy.

[dropdeadlegs]

coco,

I haven't lived in an abusive situation, so I know I can't possibly comprehend what you are going through. I would like to try, though .

 

Do you think this type of abusive behavior is common to your families culture? I have been mulling over the post where your mother's friend commented on beating you for her over the religious food issue and have been wondering how common the control factor, and means of exerting control, are to the Indian culture. I find it confusing that your family chose to move to Scotland, where Western values and lifestyles abound, and insist on adhering to values that are Eastern in content. (I know this happens in many cultures, such as Muslims in the US and abroad.) I'm curious as to YOUR families objective in moving. So much hitting, screaming and use of profanity surprises me because I know very little about Indian culture. the same things wouldn't surprise me so much in the US, so I probably don't even make sense concerning this. I guess I think of other cultures as more religious or something.

 

Try to understand that it is hard for me to understand fully why leaving your family would be so hard. Will they disown you? Do they threaten to kill you? I imagine they might make those threats and I logically think that threats is all they can do. They must surely know that killing you would have serious consequences.

 

I don't have the strongest of family ties, but we are cordial. It seems like I could easily cut my ties if I was in your situation, but I am not in your situation and realize that I may never fully comprehend. I guess because I have walked out of marriage with no car, no job, and no money and managed to survive pretty handily I can't understand the staying in your situation for one more moment. But I do understand the fear involved. I had to rely on public services for about 6 months to get on my feet and I did have to incur debt that took me years to pay off. There were probably many other sources of assistance that I didn't even know of, but I had so much pride and hated relying on governmental welfare and suffered more than I had to.

 

I don't mean to come off as lightening your dark situation, I just wish I could pull you out myself today. This must be more complicated than I understand.

 

Best wishes, dear, and many hugs. I do care so much.

[MoonGirl]

Coco,

 

How are you doing today?

[coco_milkshake]

Jmargel - thanks for your story about your bother and sister-in-law. That is inspiring. I dont have a marriage arranged for me yet but they told me that I dont have a choice - that its arranged marriage and thats it. They try and justify it that they choose the guy and I get to talk to him but our parents decide when we are allowed to meet etc. I just dont feel comfortable with that to be honest with you. I dont want an arranged marriage but I know I will get blackmailed into it and they will use family honour and my dead grandad as ammunition against me.

 

DDL - the asian culture is collectivist unlike the Western culture which is more individualistic. People in our culture interfere in each other's affairs, like for example I am "coming of age" to get married and a lot of other Indian women will try and fix me up with someone or they will ask questions as to why I am not married yet and reach the conclusion that there is something wrong with me that Im still single - sad I know.

 

My family moved to Scotland to have a better way of life. That is their reason - I guess they the idea of us being Western never entered their minds or they believed that we would stick by our own culture despite the differences in environment which is just plain thick lol.

 

Girls are the pride and honour of Indian families. We are taught from childhood to behave in certain ways such as not wear revealing clothes, not talk to boys etc etc cos they want us to be sellable for marriage. Some families are very strict, mine among them non of my sisters were allowed to get their hair cut cos it was labelled "fashionable" and we got told we could do anything like that after marriage and I kept wondering what if my husband or his parents didnt like it? I would have to live by their rules after marriage so I would have to keep comprimising for the rest of my life. Simple things such as going out to the cinema and having lots of friends is a bad thing cos it is likely you will stray and I was discouraged from going out with friends cos mum wanted to maintain her control over me. I became a reject in school and bullied senseless for it. That is only the tip of the iceberg.

 

MoonGirl - Im doing ok at the moment, university has been a huge distraction this past week and Im liking the fact that I dont have time to myself and focus my work on my dissertation cos then it doesnt give me a chance to think about everything bad happening at home. Although cos of the crap that happened this weekend I am so behind my work for it which I am raging at.

 

I am seeing my counsellor on Friday so lets see how that goes

[coco_milkshake]

My ex tried to add me onto his homepage as his friend and I turned him down again angrily. I know my sister watches that account and that is the last thing I needed. This is the second time he has tried this and he knows what my family are capable of. He knows that it will be me that suffers and not him. I honestly thought he would let me be - I just cant seem to work him out.