dropdeadlegs Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Thank you for taking the time to reply to my many questions, coco. I have a better understanding and think it may help others to understand your situation as well. The "collectiveness" works well in that it does take a village to raise a child, but I assumed that collectiveness would take place in a more loving environment than in a belittling one. I must seem naive in my views of the world and it's many cultures. I also would have assumed that if girls are the pride of a family, that girls would hold more power over their own futures and that men would be groveling for the attention of these glorious beings. Now I suppose I am envisioning the perfect world...Enough of my idealistic thoughts. I know that education is very important in some Asian societies but it seems that education would put far too many ideas about choices into a girls pretty little head. That's sure got me thinking. I do not doubt that Scotland does offer a better life and i am glad that you have experienced that. More hugs! Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 My ex tried to add me onto his homepage as his friend and I turned him down again angrily. I know my sister watches that account and that is the last thing I needed. This is the second time he has tried this and he knows what my family are capable of. He knows that it will be me that suffers and not him. I honestly thought he would let me be - I just cant seem to work him out. Does he still love you, coco? Any possibility that he could assist in your familial escape? I'm grasping at straws....looking for some positivity where there may be none. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 To be honest Im not sure if he loves me or not but I dont want him in my life anymore cos of the way he treated me after the split and it was after that that I started to discover how many lies he had told me when we were together so I dont want to go down that road. Us being together is the reason my family came down on me so hard and still are but Im much happier without him. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Glad to hear that you're done with a guy who lied to you and treated you poorly! No one needs that in their life! Glad to hear that your week is going better than your weekend did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 Glad to hear that you're done with a guy who lied to you and treated you poorly! No one needs that in their life! Glad to hear that your week is going better than your weekend did. That's true. I am hoping he gets the message that I dont want him in my life but I think he has been dropped on his head too many times as a kid lol. I am ready to move on and meet someone new but I know that wont be possible unless I get out and start living my life my way. So much planning to do, so little time... Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I have a better understanding and think it may help others to understand your situation as well. Definitely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 Does this mean you have changed what you feel MH or is that wishful thinking on my part? Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 wishful thinking on my part? Definitely. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Just kidding. You're loveable enough. Posting on your thread could spell the end of me. So I'm trying hard to be nice. Make that harder. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 Just kidding. You're loveable enough. Posting on your thread could spell the end of me. So I'm trying hard to be nice. Make that harder. Thanks for the compliment. Heaven forbid that people will think you are actually nice!! The cracks are showing and I will make people see your just a big softie mwhahahahaha!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 Today Ive been thinking a lot about everything that happened over the weekend. The next day when I came home from university, mum opened the back door to let me in and I was going to greet her but she stormed off and slammed the kitchen door behind her - thats when I thought "**** it". Nothing major happened on Monday. Tuesday it was my dad's day off and mum goes overboard when he is there - like she will start fights with me and make me look bad. That morning I didnt say hi to her cos of what happened the day before and I got shouted at by her for about 10 minutes - I stayed silent but it was too early for me and I told her to "stop it". She asked me when I would get home and I said I didnt know and she went mental at that and imitated my voice. She knows I have a lot of dissertation work to do. Dad and I had a talk in the car and he said it was my fault that the argument started that morning cos I didnt say hi to mum. I wasnt the one doing the screaming and shouting, it was all her and I told him this and he got pissed off. I asked for 20 pence more for the train and he threw it at me. I was almost in tears the entire journey to university and I couldnt get the incidents that happened at the weekend out of my head and due to that I almost got knocked down by a bus cos I didnt see where I was going. I was lucky I got out of the way when I did cos I would be in hospital right now or dead. The driver didnt stop the bus when he saw me. Today mum asked me if it was good that I insulted my sister in front her husband by not saying bye to her. I just agreed to shut her up. If only she knew what I am going through inside. It's hilarious my eldest brother in law was sitting there and when I flipped at mum and he said if my other brother in law wasnt here he wudve grabbed me and asked what my problem is. This is coming from someone who threw my sister out the house three times along with my nephew when he was only months old, terrorised our house by breaking our windows and threatening to kill my sister. He got taken away by police officers and he attacked one of them and he ended up paying for that in the police cell when he told mum they beat him black and blue cos he threatened a house full of women. Mum still likes him despite all that yet look at the state Im in. Its a joke. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 It sounds like your family is majorily dysfunctional and my suggestion would be for the time that you have to spend with them, just to try to be nice and when they start on you just say 'If you are going to talk to me this way, then I am leaving'. Sounds like in your household the males get preferred treatment over the females. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 Hi Jmargel. I dont want to give them any hints that I am thinking about leaving. If I was to say what you have suggested then I have no clue how they would react to it but what I can say is that it wouldnt be good. My guess would be that they would stop me from attending university which would kill me cos that is the sole reason Im still here. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Hi Coco, Having been with an abuser, I agree! I moved out AND then told him. Telling him first could have been emotionally (and maybe physically) disastrous. It's really too bad that you couldn't keep a decent relationship with your family even if you choose to live on your own. So sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 It is sad and the sadder thing is the way Ive changed as a result. Ive become stone hearted and I dont care about them as much as I used to. I cant seem to do it even if I wanted to and thats not me. Its their loss at the end of the day if they want nothing to do with me after cos there will be a time obviously when I settle down and have kids and they wont know anything about their nana and papa and the aunts and cousins - they wont be blessed with that cos my family will want nothing to do with them and that hurts me more than anything. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Coco, That is so so sad. :( In my case (where real uncles are absent due to major issues ), I have made aunties and uncles out of my close friends (with their permission, of course). My children adore their aunties and uncles, and they adore my children. It is not the same as blood relatives, but sometimes it is even better. When you make a conscious choice to be near someone, typically that person shares the same values you do...so I know that my children are being influenced in a way I think is very healthy and loving. I know your situation is completely different, but you can have a family that you choose too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 In a way I would be glad of it cos I wouldnt want my children to be treated by mum the way I was treated by her. I know I wont end up being married to an Indian man and the possibility of having mixed race kids - she would make them feel like crap cos of it and I wont have it. I often do think about what sort of a mum I would be and it would be nothing like her thats for sure and I wouldnt want her anywhere near mine. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Coco, My mom was VERY abused and neglected as a child. Like you, she examined her past and made the decision to never treat her children the way her mother treated her. My mother is a wonderful person...kind, caring, empathetic, and non-judgmental. She has always been so supportive of me. I know there were trying times for her when I was young because raising kids is not easy, but she was never abusive - not even once. I look up to her for that. Someday, I hope your children will look up to you for the same reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 Thats great that you have such a supporting mother MG - I feel envious that all my friends have such close relationships with their mums and I dont but there is nothing I can do. Ive tried but we just dont get on at all - our thinking, our upbringing is different cos she was brought up in India where what she thinks are the norms whereas I am stuck between two cultures and Im being pressured to choose one over the other. If I choose Eastern then I dont fit in with the norms of the country I live in whereas if I choose Western my family go mental at me for forgetting my roots...its just chaos. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Coco, I've been reading your thread and thinking about your situation. I wonder if there are any other young women in your community or in the larger community in Europe who have grown up within the culture and then left it for a western lifestyle? It seems it might be useful to research this, find some cases where young women were able to successfully transition and learn how they did it. In a best case scenario you could somehow gain your independence and choose your own way without having to become estranged from your family. In a less satisfactory scenario, maybe you could at least develop an escape plan by modeling after someone else's success. Surely there is someone who has blazed this trail before you. Why reinvent the wheel? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 There have been cases of women who have come out of their cultural norms and embraced the Western society and the majority of them have been disowned as a result but are very happy and content with their lives. I find them inspiring but I cant say now why I have not left - I think I need a good kick up the rear end and for someone to talk some sense into me to get me to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Surely there is someone who has blazed this trail before you. Why reinvent the wheel? yes there are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have sent coco SEVERAL websites and phone numbers of UK based orgs who deal with this EXACT situation. Coco- CONSIDER YOUR ARSE KICKED... You HAVE to help yourself too. There is only so much we can do here. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 UK based orgs who deal with this EXACT situation. So... is one of their names, "Coco Extractions 'R' Us?" Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 No but one of them is "SBs ASS KICKING BOOTS" and they are aimed at you if you don't behave Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 Lol. Thanks SB for the virtual ass whooping. I am seeing my university counsellor tomorrow and tell him about everything and see what he says. Magichands, you are too much lol. Link to post Share on other sites
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