Author coco_milkshake Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 Hey MG Hope you had a good day yesterday for St. Patrick's day You are spot on in your post there. You understand my situation completely and I am glad that at least someone has! Its a shame that the friend I told about my cutting didnt have the same level of understanding even though she knows what my mum is like *sighs* Well today is Mother's Day in the UK and I got told off by the eldest twin for not getting mum a card and told me that I need to get my priorities right. I totally forgot it was Mother's Day until Friday and I went to the shops to find her a card but I didnt have enough money to get her a nice one and ended up missing one of my trains to get home. When I told my sister this she shut up. I resorted to calling my dad to get mum one but it was too late. I reluctantly wished her a good mother's day and she said she doesnt care that she didnt get a card cos she has me. I was shocked. Had a scare today. My biatch sister down south said that I am getting a lot of marriage proposals cos people like my sister and assume that I am like her. There is this one woman who wants me to marry her son and he is 13 years older than me and divorced. I was mortified and my sister turned her down saying that he is too old for me. She said that if I had been taller then we wouldve been a good match cos he is a nice guy. I am sure he is but arranged marriages are a big no-no for me. Not like anyone is willing to listen to me when I say that lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 Well, things have been going ok so far *touches wood* For once I can report that there have been no major incidences and I feel relaxed. What my fear is how long this peace will last. I keep thinking this is the silence before the storm. Whenever I feel that things are ok I am always proved wrong. The dean has not got back to me which is frustrating to say the least. I hope he does so I can tell him what is going on with me right now. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 hi COCO MILKSHAKE Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 hi COCO MILKSHAKE Howdy ALPHA MALE Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Coco, Glad to hear that everything has been calm in your life....but am also sorry to hear about the consistent pressure for an arranged marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 Well a couple of nights ago I was talking to a male friend (lets call him T) on msn and I jumped a mile when mum came into the room and I minimised the window. I was hoping she would leave and she sat on the bed to give me the whole "dont ruin the family honour" talk and I just sat there wishing she would leave the room. I hate the pressure she puts on me. She tells me that its now my turn to look after her and dad. I hate how she keeps using my grandad against me. I resent her for it. Its my birthday in just over 2 weeks and I dont feel excited or happy about it. It will be one year since the abuse started and one year of the split with my ex. I will however, see it as a start of new beginnings - if things go to plan, this will be my last birthday in that hell hole. One can only hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 26, 2007 Author Share Posted March 26, 2007 I just saw the exam timetable. I have 3 exams - the one for health psychology isnt up yet but one is on the 16th of May and the other on the 18th I think. That is not far away...I am going to call the lady with my escape plan when the dates are confirmed. I am beginning to get a bit scared now. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Hi Coco, We're here for you. I'm glad your exams are so near. How do you respond to your mum's family honour talks? That must be so hard for you to listen to since all you're thinking about is how you can live the life you want for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 29, 2007 Author Share Posted March 29, 2007 Hi MG, Thanks for your support. I am glad the exams are coming cos it means I can get out but not looking forward to them cos I am scared of failing lol. It is difficult listening to the honour talks, I just sit there silent and let her say her bit and I just nod. I feel anger after she leaves the room. On a high note, a friend of mine managed to persuade me to email the SWA. Cos I have a separate hotmail account that my sister doesnt know of, it is safe for them to email me back and I have told them a bit about my situation and those two exam dates that I have mentioned above. Hopefully they will email me back soon and let me know what is going to happen. For the first time I am 100% excited about leaving home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 I aint been well all weekend. On Friday I came home from uni and lay down for a while, I didnt fall asleep but I rested cos of the sinus headache I had been having all day. I got up but I didnt make the bed and I heard mum come up the stairs and I started doing work on my dissertation. She saw the bed and asked if I had been sleeping. I said that I was only resting and she asked again if I had been sleeping but I got angry and said no. She then asked if I had a headache and I lied saying no to her that I only wanted to rest and I sounded a bit annoyed and she started shouting which made my headache worse. She said that if I had a problem she would "sort it". She sounds like a broken record, seriously. I didnt want to tell her that I am not well. I dont want to tell her anything. My sister then phoned me up and started having a go at me for that. Whenever mum tries to get close to me I remember the negative things about her and I distance myself. Truth is, I distance myself to save myself the pain of hoping that something can happen only to be let down again cos that has happened every single time and now I have just given up. Mum thinks she knows me but she has no idea. I envy my friends who have good relationships with their mums. That is something I crave but I know that is something I will never have. Despite hating her, a part of me is searching for acceptance, again something I will never get. I am expected to change the person that I am to suit her and that is something I cant do. I cant be fake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted April 8, 2007 Author Share Posted April 8, 2007 I am raging. Why is it whenever I get the nerve to call someone who can help with my situation it always happens to be on a public holiday?! I called the clinic on Friday (Good Friday) and it was shut and it wont open til my birthday. I am honestly praying that I still have the guts to call them. The fear of leaving is increasing and as a result I am hardly eating. I am using the dissertation as my excuse for the loss of appetite to my family but really its the fear of the unknown after May when I make my escape. I guess there are some good days and bad days.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 I am having a bad day. I am getting the urge to cut again and I dont want to. When I sit there, my mind wanders and I feel restless. I shake and I feel physically sick. I am acting normal for others but behind my bedroom door is where the suffering happens...behind closed doors. I want to hurt myself. I want to cut and harm myself. I am going to call the counsellor on monday or even better, go in and see if he is available. I am going insane and I cant concentrate on anything. This pretense is driving me mad and I feel like screaming cos I am fed up. I know that after this dissertation is handed in, I will be able to get the ball rolling and hopefully delay my exams. I dont know... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Hi Coco, I'm sorry that you are having a bad day.. how about a hug ? (()) Keep your eye on the ball... Call the counselor and stay on LS.. even if you are just reading.. I'm having a bad day too Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 Hi Coco, I'm sorry that you are having a bad day.. how about a hug ? (()) Keep your eye on the ball... Call the counselor and stay on LS.. even if you are just reading.. I'm having a bad day too LS is the only thing restraining me from going to the bathroom to cut again. I cant concentrate on my dissertation right now and I am a mess. My mum is oblivious to this cos I am not showing it in front of her. I cant. Thank you for the hug Art. I am sorry you are having a bad day too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 God this is hard. Man this is f*cking hard. My hands are shaking. I need to fight this cos my nephew is in the house I cant do this to him. I honestly feel like screaming right now, I want so shout and yell that I am not doing good. I want to yell out to them and tell them how they are destroying me. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Can you walk outside for a breath of fresh air ?.. maybe just for a few minutes.. I know your nephew is in the house .. maybe step into the room he is in and talk to him... Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 Can you walk outside for a breath of fresh air ?.. maybe just for a few minutes.. I know your nephew is in the house .. maybe step into the room he is in and talk to him... My nephew is not well with the measles and with the state I am in right now I dont want to be near him in case I end up shouting at him. He is only 5 years old. This is going to sound crazy. The last time I wanted to cut, I tried to sit outside, I was home alone so I thought I would take advantage of that and sit out and get some air. I didnt last 10 mins cos I started shaking and felt restless and I ran back into the house crying. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 This is going to sound crazy. The last time I wanted to cut, I tried to sit outside, Well then.. don't go outside.. stay on LS.. Do you listen to music at all ? Maybe have an ipod ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 Well then.. don't go outside.. stay on LS.. Do you listen to music at all ? Maybe have an ipod ? I have got music on yeah. I have had it on for ages but its not helping. I am scared and I am close to tears. Things have been bearable in the house so I dont know why I am feeling like this. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Hi Coco, Hi Art. Sorry you're both having a bad day. Coco, I think you know that I just can't understand this cutting business. I think it involves control when your life is uncontrollable, or something like that, but I can't see how harming yourself is somehow better. I don't know what to suggest, but wanted to say that I get concerned when you talk like this. Please don't hurt yourself, Coco. Please try to exercise some self restraint. Surely the logical part of your mind knows that cutting is just scarring you in "different" ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 DDL, I am honestly restraining from causing myself further damage and its draining me of any energy I have left. I am trying to take my mind off it now and I hope it works. I am on here to let out my frustrations and hopefully it will calm down. I freak myself out when I am like this. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 It freaks me out when you are like this, too! But please, continue venting your frustrations, as it's my problem that it makes me uncomfortable. I don't have to read the thread, but I do read it because I genuinely care about your well being. I just wish I could help in some way, but my magic wand isn't so magical after all. I like your new avi pic! You're so pretty, and it's hard for me to understand how you could choose to harm yourself, but I don't have to understand to have a lot of compassion for you and your situation. (HUGS) (ddl wants to pull coco out of her world and just suffocate her with hugs. Lots and lots of big hugs.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 Thanks DDL Your hugs mean a lot to me and the fact that you say you wish to help is enough for me. I know its upto me to get up and get out. Link to post Share on other sites
EricOnTheWeb Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 CoCo I really do suggest you go and see someone and get help ASAP...I've actually threatened my life commiting sucide online before and people got VERY concerned and took it into they're own hands and FOUND me. If you feel this way...get help,and do not think Loveshack is the answer...Loveshack is for support and suggestions...not a cure. It sounds like you need to make yourself go and get help...go to the local hospital at least ok?... Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 Hey Eric, I agree that LS isnt the answer. This is my sanctuary and the place I feel comfortable in knowing that I am not the only person who is in a bad place. I am very sorry that you have had a bad experience and I sincerely hope things are improving for you. I am seeking counselling behind my family's back and I am building myself up to leave home as its my family who are the ones responsible for the state that I am in at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
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