Second thoughts....

[coco_milkshake]

coco, i am so sorry to hear about all of this. it sucks, it really does. stay strong, you CAN remove yourself from this situation and get some space to have a good look at what you want and how you can achieve it. the SWA will help get you someplace to stay for as long as you need. there are really good things in your future, i am sure of it. you seem ready to take control of your life and that is great to see.

 

it is very hard to break away from family expectations etc, moreso if your family is very determined to have you live in the way THEY want, but i can see you are taking a very courageous step and anyone who has read your threads, like i have, will be cheering you all the way from the sidelines.

 

living with the temptation to self-abuse or with suicidal thoughts is no way to live. just know it will get better. once you have more control over your life and your future, the pull to hurt yourself will gradually lessen. it won't be easy, but it won't be so hard you can't do it. you have my deepest admiration and respect, you really do. i wish you all good things.

 

Thanks soo much. The support I have received from LS is overwhelming. This means so much to me thanks BT.

[MoonGirl]

Coco,

 

We're all here cheering you on. I hope you find the strength to leave.

 

You deserve to live your life for you and to be happy.

 

MG

[coco_milkshake]

I talked to my counsellor and made it clear I want out. I called the SWA but the woman who was handling my case wasnt available and I had left my phone at home so I told them to call me in an hour as thats how long it would take for me to get there.

 

I missed the call from them the first time as I was having dinner and I was raging but the second time I managed to answer as my phone started to vibrate as I was leaving the room so I was lucky. The earliest appointment I can get as I cant go in the evenings is the 19th ie 2 weeks today at 11am.

 

I cant believe I am doing this

[InsanityImpaired]

I cant believe I am doing this

You better believe:cool:.

 

That is wonderful Coco.

[RecordProducer]

I had a talk with my mum about 2 years ago saying I did not want one and she agreed that it was my decision but now she is acting like that talk never happened. That is the only time we had a proper mother-daughter talk.

 

Im going out of my mind here cos either way, I am going to have to live with my decision and both are going to affect me for the rest of my life.

Sounds like your mom is understanding about this and would let YOU decide, but her preference is arranged marriage. Tell her that they can arrange your marriage, but you get to choose the groom.

 

Are you in the US or India?

[CardPlay3r]

Her mother is anything but understanding and the marriage issue isn't the biggest one...lol I think you should read her other threads as well RP

[coco_milkshake]

2 weeks. I suppose for me that is nothing. I have waited so long and I actually felt that I deserved what I was going through. There didnt seem to be any other options for me - I felt trapped.

 

This is going to sound dumb from somone who was born and raised in the UK but I didnt fully know what my rights were. I have lived in fear of my family this past year and did think that they could get away with what they were doing to me. Yeah Im 21 and that sounds stupid coming from me.

 

2 weeks from now my life is going to start changing. 2 weeks from now I will be a completely different person.

[coco_milkshake]

I am glad I went into uni today, the classes have started and although today's lecture was boring it was a relief to be out the house. Got a B in one of my essays which is a miracle cos I only got 3 hours sleep the night before trying to finish it. I managed to forget for a few hours the drama at home and it felt great.

 

However, being the idiot that I am I went into my ex's email address. The emails that I sent him are still there but I didnt get affected by it like I used to. I dont question why he has still got them now, whereas before it would drive me insane trying to figure out the reason. That is a massive achievement for me.

 

But surprise surprise, when I get home that attitude changes, I feel like Im suffocating. I become that person I hate. Back to being the person they want me to be. Crying helps. Its hilarious how I manage to hide my pain and tears from mum - I must be a good actor or she is very slow hehe.

[MoonGirl]

Hi Coco,

 

Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. I am back now and completely out of my husband's house! Yesterday was a crazy day!

 

I'm glad that you're feeling strong. I hope that you are going to do what's best for you. It is so so scary...and yesterday and today have been very hard for me. New beginnings are not always easy. But I know that in time my situation and YOURS will get better.

 

When you're abused, you learn to be a good actor. That's normal. Don't worry about what your mum thinks. The less she knows, the better.

 

I'm glad to hear that you're doing well regarding your emotions about your ex.

 

Hugs!

[coco_milkshake]

Damn Im so annoyed with myself. Cut last night

 

Me and mum aint talking. It feels nice cos I feel at peace when she doesnt talk to me. It was a very close call - I thought for sure after finding that slip regarding my blood test she would call the SWA. Thank God she didnt.

 

She succeeded in making me feel like crap which resulted in me cutting. Im so stupid.

[MoonGirl]

Coco,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you're going through right now. Please talk to your counselor again, and the people from SWA. Maybe they can get you out sooner. I know in the states there are many shelters for victims of abuse.

 

You are NOT stupid. You do not deserve to be abused and it is NOT your fault. You deserve to be safe and happy, Coco.

[coco_milkshake]

Im going to tell my counsellor this on Tuesday when I see him again. Im so scared though. I had a close call by almost getting caught by being associated with the SWA - I keep thinking next time I wont be so lucky and it makes me ill when I think about what my sister would do to me if she found out.

[MoonGirl]

Hi Coco,

 

Did you get a chance to talk to your cousellor yesterday? I hope so!

 

Keep us updated!

[coco_milkshake]

Hi MG

 

No I didnt go to see my counsellor. After the fight that me and mum had I didnt want to chance it. I have a feeling she suspects me when I go to university on my days off.

 

I was wanting to see my counsellor because I wanted to see from his point of view of what he made of my mother's recent behaviour. I have come to the conclusion that it is an act of desperation - she is using my dead grandad as a weapon when she knew it would have a massive effect on me.

 

Good news - I found out today that I passed my first semester exams - they werent brilliant marks but I am relieved to say the least. Mum hugged me when I told her and told me to ask her for anything as a gift - eh my freedom? Lol.

 

On the same note I have still got my SWA appointment on Monday. I cant wait to talk to Julie. She is better than my university counsellor. I hope things turn out ok but I am feeling slightly guilty cos I cant get my grandad out of my mind now.

[dropdeadlegs]

Coco,

I don't know a lot about Indian culture so take the next paragraph for what it's worth.

 

You are NOT a disgrace to your family. Asserting your personal human rights is nothing you should be made to feel guilty about. Leaving your family in shock will be difficult because you have lived in fear of them for your entire life. Arranged marriages are fine for those who believe in and accept them, but not for those who do not. Your grandmothers health is declining WITH you as a part of the family and you simply cannot attach your leaving to the possibility of her experiencing more decline. YOUR health is declining rapidly by STAYING. You have to do what is right for YOU.

 

Monday is coming and I am praying and rooting for you to have the strength to accept the help you need in order to SURVIVE. That's what it's come down to, your survival. I am on your side, as are so many people. We cannot be there to physically hold you up, but we are all doing everything we can to help in any way possible.

 

Be strong, I know you have it within you! Dig deep, it's there, no matter how beaten down they have made you feel. Fear is very powerful, but it can be overcome and you will feel so empowered to have faced fear and come out on the winning side. Freedom awaits, can't you just taste it's sweetness? I can taste it for you!

[coco_milkshake]

Hi DDL

 

Thanks so much for your encouragement. I admit I have been left reeling after mum's behaviour 2 days ago. I am hoping that I will have the strength to see this through. I am petrified but I know this has to be done.

[MoonGirl]

Coco,

 

Congrats on your exams! I hope that your exam scores show you that you are a capable woman. You are capable of graduating from university, supporting yourself, and being independent.

 

I agree that your mum is working desperately to control you. Like you said to me regarding my husband, let her words go in one ear and out the other. Promises you've made under duress are NOT true promises. Don't let your mum fool you into thinking they are. If you're living in fear, you will promise many things you don't want to promise.

 

Legs is right, your survival is on the line here, and you need to do what is best for you. Fear and guilt are powerful - I know! But you can overcome them to save yourself.

 

Coco, I've said it before, but I will keep saying it until I know you believe it. You do not deserve to be abused. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be free to create your own life. There is no need to feel guilty about wanting what you deserve, and then doing what you deserve.

[coco_milkshake]

Thanks MG and I appreciate your support

 

I just felt guilty cos even though I did promise her, even if under the influence of fear, that it will come back to haunt me. Maybe Im being a wee dafty eh?

 

I am very pleased with my exam results and it has given me a bit of a confidence boost. I hope I kick ass in May and get better grades.

 

Thanks for everything MG

 

xxx

[coco_milkshake]

Man these past few days have been awful. Yesterday my sister confronted me about the argument with mum and I ended up having to tell her that I went to a clinic for my weight loss. She was suspicious cos this is not the SWA place but the place they transferred me so I could get checked out health wise and started telling the counsellor about my situation.

 

Usually that place is associated with sexual health and family planning thats why she was a bit suss - probably thought I was pregnant or something stupid like that.

 

Anyway, today I got another call from her - she called that clinic and pretended to have the same problems as me eg the weight loss!!!! I was mortified cos they didnt take her saying they dont handle it so she called me up again to see if I was telling the truth or not.

 

I told her I got counselling regarding my ex since I cant talk about him without getting my head bitten off. She bought it.

 

I shook afterwards and ran to the bathroom and threw up. I am going to have to call them tomorrow again to warn them.

[dropdeadlegs]

3 more days until Monday. Play it all as coolly as possible. The light is visible, don't take your eyes off of it. Suspicions are just suspicions. I think you covered well.

 

Be strong! I am thinking of you often.

[MoonGirl]

Coco,

 

I'm glad your sister bought your story.

 

I think about you often, and hope that you have the strength to do what is best for you on Monday.

 

Keep us posted!

[coco_milkshake]

2 days away now and I am so scared. My sister knows where that place is and has told me not to go there again and that I have to come to her for help.

 

Man I feel like shyt at the moment

[MoonGirl]

Coco,

 

You'll have to tell the place that your sister knows where they are. They can help protect you.

 

I know you feel scared. Leaving is terrifying.

 

I'm here for you Coco, and I am thinking about you often.

[coco_milkshake]

Well tomorrow is the big day and I am feeling nervous which is an understatement of the year. I am going to go in and tell them that I want out as quickly as possible and give them up to date information about what has been happening at home and get their opinions and views.

 

I never thought I would see the day that I would be desperate to get away from my own family and I feel sad about it but I know that I cant stay either.

 

Mum was talking about my wedding again and it freaked me out though I did not voice my objection with the fear of another argument. When I was in my room, my eldest sister told me to consider marriage after my degree is up. She said that it gets harder to find a good man as you get older. Mum is keen to get me married probably next year which is scaring me to death

 

I think they know I dont want this but they want me to go through with it anyway as payback for hurting them and also because it is tradition and I dont get a say in the matter cos it happens to all girls in our culture.

 

I am so scared and worried that Ive gone back to not eating again :(

[coco_milkshake]

Well I have told mum that I am going to uni tomorrow - this is it. I am taking another step towards my freedom and its scary stuff. I am going to find out my rights and the arrangements to get out asap. Wish me luck.