Second thoughts....

[MoonGirl]

Hi Coco,

 

Did you see your counsellor? How did it go?

[coco_milkshake]

Hi MG

 

Yeah I did go and see my counsellor and got him up to date with everything that has been happening these past couple of weeks. It felt good to let it all out and he was concerned about my cutting. He also noticed Ive gained weight too lol. I was just under 6 stone at one point so in other words just under 84 pounds and thats when I suffered chest pains and had a couple of seizures as a result - Im much better now.

 

I guess I dont let it affect my health cos since Ive become bitter and developed the "I dont care anymore" attitude my health hasnt gone downhill as much - pity I cant say the same about the cutting. Its like my family are slowly killing the caring, compassionate and emotional person I used to be. I am becoming someone I hate. My caring side is there but I dont have any to spare as far as my family is concerned. As evil as that may sound, its true.

 

I have been abused for this past year and it took me a while to admit that it was abuse I was going through. I have been blackmailed, tortured emotionally, psychologically, self-harmed, felt suicidal, been called every name under the sun. I felt alone for a long period of time cos that is not something worth shouting from the rooftop.

 

I am now standing up for myself, I dont care about the consequences as much as I used to. However, I only say things I know I am allowed to get away with and get my point across. I used to take the slightest criticism to heart and that resulted in my weight plummeting from 120 pounds to 84 pounds within a couple of weeks. I am now 98 pounds and it took me 5 months to get to this weight and I look healthier - my weight is slowly increasing.

 

Before we know it April will be here when I will celebrate my 22nd birthday and mark one year of this abuse that has been happening. A month after that my education is over - I will be free in every way. I believe I have the will power to stick it out til that time comes. I can only hope.

[MoonGirl]

Hi Coco,

 

Glad your counselling session was productive, and I'm glad to hear that you've been gaining weight. Congrats!

 

I wish you would stop cutting, but I know that it is your way of having control over something in your life.

 

I, too, hope that you can make it another couple months until your education is over. Are you planning on getting a job then?

[coco_milkshake]

Hey

 

Yeah I need experience to get into Postgrad so I am going to get a job and do voluntary work for a year so I can go into Forensic Psychology with some experience in the field under my belt.

 

I am thinking of going down to England as there are more universities that do Forensics as opposed to Scotland where only one university does it and its very competitive. I wouldnt stay in Glasgow after I leave anyway - I need a clean slate away from familiar faces.

[MoonGirl]

That's great! Yes, I agree that a move away from Glasgow would probably help...but it could also be stressful at first since you'll have to get used to new everything. At least you won't have to be worried about running into any family members or family friends on the street.

[burning 4 revenge]

Haven't you already had sex? I got the impression that you've had sex with your previous bf.

 

Just asking, cause if you marry on of those Al Qaeda guys and he sees that you've been defiled he'll take out a simitar and cut your head off.

[coco_milkshake]

Haven't you already had sex? I got the impression that you've had sex with your previous bf.

 

Just asking, cause if you marry on of those Al Qaeda guys and he sees that you've been defiled he'll take out a simitar and cut your head off.

 

Hey B4R

 

Ive had oral sex with my ex boyfriend but not intercourse with him. None of my family know this funnily enough and my ex went around telling everyone that we had slept together which is not true. My sister made me swear on her life to tell her how intimate we got and I never mentioned that we had oral but that we held hands, kissed, seen each other naked etc.

 

My family do want me to have an arranged marriage and they will leave out the fact that I have had a boyfriend for the sake of family honour and cos no Indian family will want me as their daughter in law knowing I have had a relationship with someone before marriage. Plus I will have a stigma of being a slut and my family will be ridiculed so obviously they want no one to find this out.

 

It's great being me at the moment lol.

[coco_milkshake]

Well I have decided to take action. I have sent an email to the head of the psychology department to let her know about my situation and the possibility of getting out etc. I might have to ask her to reschedule my exams in May to the resit diet in August if things get extremely bad.

 

I gave myself a scare today. I got a slight chest pain which I have not had in months and it was on my left side and it was sharp which left me gasping but lasted a couple of seconds. I am worried now cos thats how it started off before and it gradually got worse. I am going to contact the clinic lady again and tell her that I need to get out sooner. I dont want my health to deteriorate like it did last time.

[MoonGirl]

Well I have decided to take action. I have sent an email to the head of the psychology department to let her know about my situation and the possibility of getting out etc. I might have to ask her to reschedule my exams in May to the resit diet in August if things get extremely bad.

 

I gave myself a scare today. I got a slight chest pain which I have not had in months and it was on my left side and it was sharp which left me gasping but lasted a couple of seconds. I am worried now cos thats how it started off before and it gradually got worse. I am going to contact the clinic lady again and tell her that I need to get out sooner. I dont want my health to deteriorate like it did last time.

 

I really hope you take action this time, Coco. It sounds to me like you might be experiencing a panic attack. There are some very helpful medications for depression and anxiety, but first, of course, you must be able to access the services available to get those meds. The only way this can happen is if you're free to do as you wish with your life.

[coco_milkshake]

I really hope you take action this time, Coco. It sounds to me like you might be experiencing a panic attack. There are some very helpful medications for depression and anxiety, but first, of course, you must be able to access the services available to get those meds. The only way this can happen is if you're free to do as you wish with your life.

 

Hey MG,

 

I am planning on taking action now. Its a shame cos my nephew and neice look up to me. My neice tells my sister to make her look like me when she goes to nursery and my nephew sings my praises when he goes home ever Saturday when I babysit him. It will be heartbreaking to leave them but what can I do?

 

I will keep you updated with how the meeting goes with the lecturer and I hope you are doing ok MG

 

xx

[ruby_gloom]

I am planning on taking action now. Its a shame cos my nephew and neice look up to me.

 

Coco,

 

I've been keeping up with your thread even though I haven't made any comments.

 

In a way, I really don't know what to say and I'm pretty sure that I can't offer you any good advice but, despite that, I want to let you know that I can really, really empathize with you on what it's like to have such a . . . difficult mother (to say the very, very least).

 

I myself have never engaged in cutting because, frankly, I would just be too scared to do it. I have, however, engaged (and still do, sadly) in other ways of self harm: drugs.

 

I remember that when I was 16 or so, I used to skip school and go to a bridge that was ontop of a small "river" of sorts, and would peer down, wanting ever so desperately to jump off. I really wanted to, but I never did, and today, I can't honestly tell you that I don't regret not having jumped off. It's sad, but it's true.

 

My mom was insane. Magichands is right in that the line "their house, their rules" does apply, but there is a very big difference between following their rules and letting yourself be abused.

 

Yes, unfortunately, if they don't want you to bring X person to their home, then they are in their right to prohibit you from doing so.

 

Take your boyfriend and your friends for example: They didn't want you with any of them, so fine--they have a right to not allow them into your home. However, they do not have to tell you who you can or cannot date/be friends with, especially at 20 years of age.

 

IMO, that right there is the middle ground: They don't like them, but you do, so you'll talk to them, but you simply won't bring them near their home.

 

I believe that that is the compromise, not forcing you to cut off all contact from them. People by nature need social interaction; it is not just a want, but a need, and one they have no right in depriving you of.

 

Also, I think BO is right in that every parent makes sacrifices for their children, but that doesn't mean that because they do, they are then at liberty for doing whatever else they want with/to you.

 

To me, a sacrifice entails giving something up, most probably of your own self, for the benefit/satisfaction of another. To think that because parents sacrifice parts of their lives and themselves as a whole gives them leeway to treat you like a marionette, dictating and controlling every aspect of your life is wrong.

 

A sacrifice on part of the parent for their child should be done out of love, not as some kind game where they do this for you, so you have to do this for them. That's just not what parental love is about.

 

It just irritates me to no end to see some parents being this way. Perhaps I feel for this more than other people because boy, have I known what it's like to live with someone who makes you question your own self-worth to the point where you feel that you simply have none.

 

SB is completely right when she says that when it's your own family doing the abusing, it puts a whole different spin to the story.

 

I say this because I was verbally and physically abused by a "boyfriend" when I was 14-15 years old. He would tell me the most horrible things and then top it all off by punching me in the face. It was awful.

 

I was also abused by my parents, especially my mom.

 

To date, there is not a single soul on this earth who has verbally deteriorated more than she.

 

And it wasn't only verbal stuff, either: She also slapped me, threw things at me, and beat me with belts, cables, and even wooden spoons.

 

I remember one incident oh so clearly:

 

When I was 6, my mom bought new stockings. They were white. I remember putting them on and then going outside to play. While playing, some nasty little girl dirtied them with ketchup; I was mortified because I knew my mom was going to hit me.

 

And she did: when I went inside the house, she saw the ketchup stain on it and proceeded to beat the living hell out of me with a wooden spoon. In my frenzy to try to get away, she ended up slapping me with it on the face right on my lower lip, causing me to bleed.

 

She stopped.

 

Today I will not eat ketchup. I don't generally dislike the taste, but I simply won't eat it. Wonder why . . .

 

These things are simply not typical.

 

While there certainly are many teenagers who will describe their households as living hell namely because of disagreements in thoughts and beliefs, there are some other teenagers who really do undergo deep mental and physical torment because of their parents.

 

I mean, the last time my mom went mental, it was over a boyfriend I had when I was 17, and it involved her throwing bleach on me. What kind of parent would want to throw bleach on their child is beyond me.

 

Unfortunately, I never had the courage to leave my home, so I endured the abuse much to my own expense. In the end, I got left behind when my parents decided to split, which some might think was good, but by that time I was so severely messed up that I turned into a mess and started to do drugs more frequently because for so many years, they had been my only escape.

 

Today, I still can't leave them, no matter how hard I try, and sometimes I fear that they truly will be my destruction.

 

Here, what I'm trying to say, is that I hope that you do muster up the courage to leave, Coco. If you don't, things will most likely take a very long time to change, if they ever do, while your dependence on cutting will grow even greater in the meantime. Cutting is a type of addiction, and as all addictions, the more we do it, the more we get addicted, and the more that we do, the more we need to increase that activity/substance in order to feel relief.

 

Life is a garden of roses, but you must not lose sight of the fact that roses, however beautiful, have torns. Think about what you want, but most importantly, what you need. Right now you are in a lot of emotional pain, and while you say that school is the most important thing right now, I think that your emotional well-being is even more important, especially now.

 

IMO, school and education should be priorities in life, but it is not a necessity in order to survive, yet your emotional well-being/stability is because if you don't have that, you'll fall and fall even deeper until one day you'll just disappear.

 

Think about it, Coco. I think you know full well what it is that you need and want. After you have decided what those things are, you have to go get them. Once you do, you'll give your niece and nephew an extremely strong reason to look up to you.

[magichands]

Life is a garden of roses, but you must not lose sight of the fact that roses, however beautiful, have torns.

I agree. Watch out for those torns.

[ruby_gloom]

I agree. Watch out for those torns.

 

I have to say I am somewhat disappointed with your comments on this thread.

[magichands]

I have to say I am somewhat disappointed with your comments on this thread.

Expectations are dangerous things.

[coco_milkshake]

Coco,

 

I've been keeping up with your thread even though I haven't made any comments.

 

In a way, I really don't know what to say and I'm pretty sure that I can't offer you any good advice but, despite that, I want to let you know that I can really, really empathize with you on what it's like to have such a . . . difficult mother (to say the very, very least).

 

I myself have never engaged in cutting because, frankly, I would just be too scared to do it. I have, however, engaged (and still do, sadly) in other ways of self harm: drugs.

 

I remember that when I was 16 or so, I used to skip school and go to a bridge that was ontop of a small "river" of sorts, and would peer down, wanting ever so desperately to jump off. I really wanted to, but I never did, and today, I can't honestly tell you that I don't regret not having jumped off. It's sad, but it's true.

 

My mom was insane. Magichands is right in that the line "their house, their rules" does apply, but there is a very big difference between following their rules and letting yourself be abused.

 

Yes, unfortunately, if they don't want you to bring X person to their home, then they are in their right to prohibit you from doing so.

 

Take your boyfriend and your friends for example: They didn't want you with any of them, so fine--they have a right to not allow them into your home. However, they do not have to tell you who you can or cannot date/be friends with, especially at 20 years of age.

 

IMO, that right there is the middle ground: They don't like them, but you do, so you'll talk to them, but you simply won't bring them near their home.

 

I believe that that is the compromise, not forcing you to cut off all contact from them. People by nature need social interaction; it is not just a want, but a need, and one they have no right in depriving you of.

 

Also, I think BO is right in that every parent makes sacrifices for their children, but that doesn't mean that because they do, they are then at liberty for doing whatever else they want with/to you.

 

To me, a sacrifice entails giving something up, most probably of your own self, for the benefit/satisfaction of another. To think that because parents sacrifice parts of their lives and themselves as a whole gives them leeway to treat you like a marionette, dictating and controlling every aspect of your life is wrong.

 

A sacrifice on part of the parent for their child should be done out of love, not as some kind game where they do this for you, so you have to do this for them. That's just not what parental love is about.

 

It just irritates me to no end to see some parents being this way. Perhaps I feel for this more than other people because boy, have I known what it's like to live with someone who makes you question your own self-worth to the point where you feel that you simply have none.

 

SB is completely right when she says that when it's your own family doing the abusing, it puts a whole different spin to the story.

 

I say this because I was verbally and physically abused by a "boyfriend" when I was 14-15 years old. He would tell me the most horrible things and then top it all off by punching me in the face. It was awful.

 

I was also abused by my parents, especially my mom.

 

To date, there is not a single soul on this earth who has verbally deteriorated more than she.

 

And it wasn't only verbal stuff, either: She also slapped me, threw things at me, and beat me with belts, cables, and even wooden spoons.

 

I remember one incident oh so clearly:

 

When I was 6, my mom bought new stockings. They were white. I remember putting them on and then going outside to play. While playing, some nasty little girl dirtied them with ketchup; I was mortified because I knew my mom was going to hit me.

 

And she did: when I went inside the house, she saw the ketchup stain on it and proceeded to beat the living hell out of me with a wooden spoon. In my frenzy to try to get away, she ended up slapping me with it on the face right on my lower lip, causing me to bleed.

 

She stopped.

 

Today I will not eat ketchup. I don't generally dislike the taste, but I simply won't eat it. Wonder why . . .

 

These things are simply not typical.

 

While there certainly are many teenagers who will describe their households as living hell namely because of disagreements in thoughts and beliefs, there are some other teenagers who really do undergo deep mental and physical torment because of their parents.

 

I mean, the last time my mom went mental, it was over a boyfriend I had when I was 17, and it involved her throwing bleach on me. What kind of parent would want to throw bleach on their child is beyond me.

 

Unfortunately, I never had the courage to leave my home, so I endured the abuse much to my own expense. In the end, I got left behind when my parents decided to split, which some might think was good, but by that time I was so severely messed up that I turned into a mess and started to do drugs more frequently because for so many years, they had been my only escape.

 

Today, I still can't leave them, no matter how hard I try, and sometimes I fear that they truly will be my destruction.

 

Here, what I'm trying to say, is that I hope that you do muster up the courage to leave, Coco. If you don't, things will most likely take a very long time to change, if they ever do, while your dependence on cutting will grow even greater in the meantime. Cutting is a type of addiction, and as all addictions, the more we do it, the more we get addicted, and the more that we do, the more we need to increase that activity/substance in order to feel relief.

 

Life is a garden of roses, but you must not lose sight of the fact that roses, however beautiful, have torns. Think about what you want, but most importantly, what you need. Right now you are in a lot of emotional pain, and while you say that school is the most important thing right now, I think that your emotional well-being is even more important, especially now.

 

IMO, school and education should be priorities in life, but it is not a necessity in order to survive, yet your emotional well-being/stability is because if you don't have that, you'll fall and fall even deeper until one day you'll just disappear.

 

Think about it, Coco. I think you know full well what it is that you need and want. After you have decided what those things are, you have to go get them. Once you do, you'll give your niece and nephew an extremely strong reason to look up to you.

 

Wow Ruby,

 

You have been through a hell of a lot. Its been mainly emotional abuse that I have experienced with blackmailing etc and I never had a finger laid on me until last year when I was shoved, had my jaw grabbed and spat on.

 

I guess my family think they are in the right - they are justifying their actions as doing it "for my benefit". The cutting has become addictive as it is my method of coping, I realise I do have a problem with that but I wont be able to just stop overnight cos it has been a year since I started it.

 

I really feel for you and I have felt the way you do. I cant say I dont regret not going ahead with the suicide attempts cos my family at one point made me believe that I was the most evil person around - mum said that Im soo evil that hell wont accept me.

 

I have become stronger in the sense that I dont let it affect my health as much, cos I have become used to the insults they bounce off me now - well almost all of them hehe. I realise though that cutting as an alternative method is bad and that I need help.

 

I hope you are doing ok and I will keep you guys up to date with everything.

 

Hugs to you.

 

Coco xxx

[coco_milkshake]

Well the head of psychology has offered to see me at 10.30am tomorrow which is not good. If I go in so early mum will get suspicous and start asking me a million questions like she usually does if I do something which is different from what I would normally do. I dont want to arouse suspicion.

 

Man I hate all this sneaking around but not like I have a choice

[MoonGirl]

Well the head of psychology has offered to see me at 10.30am tomorrow which is not good. If I go in so early mum will get suspicous and start asking me a million questions like she usually does if I do something which is different from what I would normally do. I dont want to arouse suspicion.

 

Man I hate all this sneaking around but not like I have a choice

 

 

I suggest emailing the head of psychology to better explain your situation. Can you schedule a different time? Or is there another excuse you can use - like you have to meet with her to prepare for your upcoming graduation????

[coco_milkshake]

Hi MG

 

As I said before I do not feel like arousing suspicion as time at home has become a bit more bearable - its been days since mum has said anything horrible to me which is shocking. Probably cos she is too busy with my gran who fell last week and she needs a lot of care heh.

 

I have gone one better now and sent an email to the dean of social sciences though he specialises in psychology. I have had him for a few lectures and he seems very approachable unlike that witch who cant seem to read English cos when I asked her for a later time than 10:30am to meet her, she said "I can briefly talk to you at 9:45am"

 

I am now anxiously waiting for his reply and see what he has to say about moving my exams to August as I will be getting out.

[MoonGirl]

That's good that you're being proactive. I'm proud of you! I hope that the dean is more responsive to your needs than the head of psychology was. You'd think she'd be a bit more understanding of your situation. Sad.

[coco_milkshake]

Hey MG

 

I told the head of psychology that I was going through a rough time at home which I felt was affecting my performance at university. I told her I would tell her in detail face to face cos I figured it would be better and she said she was sorry about that and suggested 10:30am. I sent a reply saying that mum and I have issues and I want this to be kept hush hush so that I dont arouse suspicion so asked to give me a later time if it was ok. Thats when the idiot emailed back suggesting 9.45am. She is thick.

 

I am hoping John will be nicer. He seems to be so hope things will go smoother with him when I tell hm what I am going through.

 

How are things over your end MG?

[MoonGirl]

Hi Coco,

 

Let me know how things go. I hope things are still pretty calm for you at home.

 

I'm doing fairly well. My husband keeps pressuring me to reconcile with him, and I feel bad for him, but I just can't live with him for obvious reasons. Otherwise, I am enjoying my life, my new flat, and my kids.

 

I'll be celebrating St. Patty's Day with friends tomorrow!

[coco_milkshake]

Thats great that you are not giving in to your husband - you are strong!!! Dont feel bad for him - its all his doing that you had no choice but to leave him!! I am glad that things are ok with your flat and your kiddies.

 

Happy St.Paddy's day for tomorrow and have a good time! As usual I am stuck at home - ah welll s*** happens

[coco_milkshake]

This is gonna sound weird but mum came into my room suddenly (thank God I was sitting away from the pc and the windows were closed) and she asked me about the make up bag that she found in my uni bag. She said she went into the room that I studied in cos the room still felt warm and she thought I hadnt switched the heater off and she tripped on the straps of my make up bag.

 

Its just the way she just swung the doors and said "I want to ask you something..." - I though had done something wrong though I knew I hadnt and I felt sick. She asked me if I wore make up at uni to which I replied that I do and she said she felt bad that she didnt know this, although not in her eyes to me it sounded like an accusation as I was on the receiving end of this. I asked her why she made a big deal over something so trivial and she said she wasnt but wanted to know this...Hello! I am 21 for crying out loud not 12!!

 

She then said that she doesnt mind that as long as I talk to her right and that I dont lie to her. Then she said that she is a good mum and she doesnt regret bringing us up the way she has - if she saw my scars and knew what I really felt I doubt she would be saying that. She then walked out the room but I was still shaken up by it, dont know why. Its become an automatic thing for tears to stream down my face after any type of talk with my mum and thats just what has happened now. I feel stupid.

[coco_milkshake]

Things were going well today but then mum told the eldest sister about that incident above and my sister had a word with me about my attitude towards mum. That I have had it easy eg. I am allowed to dress in brand names, straighten my hair etc when she and the other twin wasnt allowed all this.

 

Apparently mum didnt get to sleep until 5am thinking about that incident. Well good, cos she robbed me of my sleep to that night.

 

Mum then said after everything that happened (my ex), that dad was going to stop talking to me and that she persuated him to start talking to me again. She said again that she is a good mother and that she does not regret the way she has raised us. She said "the only thing I want in return is for this to be right *points to her head*"

 

I feel soo ill. I had a minor panic attack in my room and I went downstairs and my sister was talking to me about my good upbringing and then said "why is your face like that?" to which I replied I was tired and I sounded annoyed when I said it. Just cos I have had a good upbringing doesnt mean that I cant be messed up in later life.

 

They dont know about my cousin molesting me when I was about 8 years old then my other cousin doing the same thing but he has down syndrome and 10 years older than me. They have no idea of the constant pain I am feeling inside but only harp on about the pain which I have caused them - my pain is invisible.

[MoonGirl]

Coco,

 

It is hard to feel lonely in your own house. Without knowing about your past, there is no way your family can attempt to understand what you've been through; I know why you feel you can't share your past with them. Based on their current behavior, they would probably blame you for what happened. Seeing a therapist about all that has happened in your life is really important...and it's sad that your family puts their honor above your well-being.

 

It sounds like your mom is constantly trying to justify the way she has treated you. She keeps bringing up the fact that she thinks she's a good mother...probably because she's not really sure whether or not she really is a good mother. Even though she has raised you in a traditional way (which she views as right), she has neglected to provide you with a safe environment in which you can share your thoughts and feelings honestly, and she has failed to seek help for you when you needed it most.

 

Your family is harping constantly about the pain you have caused them in order to push you down and to control you. And it's working to some extent. What they say affects you deeply because they are your family. Your self-esteem is in the gutter, you're having panic attacks, you're cutting yourself, and you live on an emotional roller-coaster. But your family doesn't know about any of this. What they see is that you're being less confrontational with them and you're still living at home. You're not dating any boys, you're going to school, etc. So, they probably see that what they say to you is working for them. I doubt they have any idea what kind of emotional stress you are feeling because they are too concerned about how they feel and getting you to conform to their standards.

 

Keep your head up Coco. This situation can't possibly last forever. Eventually, you will have had enough.