ladies ... rip me apart

[Darkwall]

My ex bf is (almost) who you are describing yourself to be. I broke up with him because I felt he was emotionally disconnected to me. But that's another story.

 

My point is, I date men like you. So, the odds of you finding someone soon are not slim. Just a timing thing I think. You've been meeting the wrong women. Also, maybe women are picking up on the fact that you're getting frustrated with still being on the "market".

 

Just put yourself out there. Relax. Try to be talkative.

[ash519]

Hey serial muse- I love the avatar!!!!!!

 

Kindred- When I started this I said you do sound like a catch. You asked "What is my issue" so i gave you a couple examples of what MIGHT be going on as constructive critisism. But I also said that you sound like someone a woman would want to date...now what i see:

 

You are insulting, bitter, very close minded and you love thinking you are the victim in this world. You are no better than anybody else...even the bum on the side of the road living in a box. I am not comparing you to that, i am just saying every one is different...but you would rather lash out and say other people who you dont know are losers and tell them how you are so godly and moral and others are not. Very unattractive quality. You do (like another poster said) have a TON of emotional baggage and I am sure it shows to the women you date.

 

I agree...go to church and meet your 30 year old virgin there. Maybe then you can finally shut it...because most women are going to want to smack you for your woman hating attitude alone.

 

I dont like insulting people, and if this has insulted you i am sorry, but a person can only take so much ignorance and arrogance. I dont think you belong in these forums. Most people here are understanding, kind, openmineded and just wanting to help.

[kindred_soulman]

Hey serial muse- I love the avatar!!!!!!

 

Kindred- When I started this I said you do sound like a catch. You asked "What is my issue" so i gave you a couple examples of what MIGHT be going on as constructive critisism. But I also said that you sound like someone a woman would want to date...now what i see:

 

You are insulting, bitter, very close minded and you love thinking you are the victim in this world. You are no better than anybody else...even the bum on the side of the road living in a box. I am not comparing you to that, i am just saying every one is different...but you would rather lash out and say other people who you dont know are losers and tell them how you are so godly and moral and others are not. Very unattractive quality. You do (like another poster said) have a TON of emotional baggage and I am sure it shows to the women you date.

 

I agree...go to church and meet your 30 year old virgin there. Maybe then you can finally shut it...because most women are going to want to smack you for your woman hating attitude alone.

 

I dont like insulting people, and if this has insulted you i am sorry, but a person can only take so much ignorance and arrogance. I dont think you belong in these forums. Most people here are understanding, kind, openmineded and just wanting to help.

 

You are so far gone from reality you have reinvented it to suit your own opinion!

 

I suppose I have some emotional baggage.....gosh, wonder where that came from?

[ash519]

I bet women like me gave it to you! VICTIM!

[dropdeadlegs]

gee, I'm a slow typist, but things sure took a wrong turn while I was busy trying to offer some perspective and solace. Maybe the title of your next thread should not open you up (literally ask for) an attack.

 

I'm a Libra...peace, harmony and balance are what we notably strive for.

 

While my particular questions have not been answered, probably because I got lost in the mix, I think I may have some more perspective. I'm afraid I also have more questions.

 

Bisexuality is not for you. It's not for me either. Let's call it a day on that subject since the back and forth isn't going to change anyone's mind and the point of your post was to try to figure out why such a good catch is still single.

 

First I will tackle your obvious religious beliefs. Your beliefs are yours and you should stick to your guns on what you believe is appropriate and inappropriate in order to find someone who will ultimately make you happy. At the same time may I suggest that, if I'm not mistaken, the Bible also teaches (preaches?) tolerance and forgiveness. To turn the other cheek in the face of attackers. It also teaches to treat your body as a temple, not to desecrate it with nicotine and alcohol. I missed any mention of YOU being Catholic, but I saw that spring up in another post, and I recognize that many Catholics believe that smoking and drinking in moderation are acceptable based on my bingo hall experience. I just wanted to point out that some might beg to differ with what they see as conflicting views.

 

Your belief that sex should be saved for marriage will likely be the biggest obstacle to widening your prospect pool because it is happening. You do not have to accept it, but it is going on and many women your age will expect sex in a relationship with you. This also brings back my original question concerning dating those who have been married because now I'm really confused. Maybe your religious views do not rule that out. Some accept divorce, but I haven't pinned down in the Bible where it is deemed acceptable.

 

Women who are dating multiple men, and your indication that YOU cannot date in multiples will certainly narrow your possibilities and lengthen the time necessary to find the one for you.

 

I feel certain I am leaving something out, but I can't at this moment remember what it is. I really should take notes. As I stated, I am a very slow typist so much of this could have come out or been answered in the several minutes it has taken me to organize my thoughts. I know there was something else that does not involve religious beliefs....

 

To summarize, your personal beliefs go against a lot of what many today consider to be the norm. I did not say right nor wrong, just the norm. This will make finding your woman difficult, yet not impossible. A church may be a good place to start. Again, I wish you luck and hope you can find something useful here.

[Darkwall]

OK, I changed my mind. I read the rest of the replies posted along with yours and I'm sorry but you do come across with having a very strong negative tone. You are coming across as closed minded and you won't even budge to the possibility that you might be wrong.

 

I've never dated two men at the same time but, if two great and interesting men crossed my path I don't think it would compromise my character if I dated them both. Especially if I was honest about it. Which from what you've said women have been.

 

10 STEPS FOR FINDING YOU A WOMAN...

 

#1 You need to lighten up.

#2 Deal with your anger. (wherever it's coming from)

#3 Become whole with yourself.

#4 Learn to not be so negative.

#5 Take a risk and share PAIN or you will forever be numb.

#6 Stop being so judgemental. (you'll learn how on Loveshack)

#7 If you have nothing nice to say... don't say anything.

#8 Stop being so opinionated.

#9 Love thyself, but not too much.

#10 Give women a chance you wouldn't normally. (I bet she'll be the one)

 

Remember you asked for this. We're only helping you.

Think twice about how you're going to respond to this.

 

your tone is everything.

[dropdeadlegs]

Are you bashing women in general? Please say no, but I keep hearing that. Maybe I'm sensitive considering I'm female, but the last few days have just been awful in this area. If you want some validation of that just let me know, I can give you links to some very specific threads where woman bashing is applauded. You would be welcomed with closed minds.

[IWalkAlone]

Have you tried expanding the type of women that you consider dateable ?

 

I know people have certain tastes but expanding your horizons opens up your playing field to more women.

 

Only looking for the Blond Hot Barbie Doll type or whatever your type is can limit your options..

 

People have told me that I'm going after the wrong women, but my respose is "So where are the right women?"

 

What I do look for is the ability to have and intelligent conversation, and political and religious views that are compatable to mine. Most of the women I ask out are NOT Blond Hot Barbie Doll types. In fact, some of them are considered fat by today's standards.

[IWalkAlone]

Everything.

 

For one, who has time? If she's got that much time on her hands.... maybe she needs to do something.

 

If she works 8-5 five days week, spends two evenings with friends, one evening with her parents and one evening doing laundry and cleaning her apartment, that's 3 nights she can be dating someone.

 

Also, dating is about getting to know someone. How on earth can you be focused on getting to know 3 people at the same time?

 

She might decide she knows one or two of them enough and stop dating them. That leaves 2 or 1.

 

I won't date any woman who is dating someone else. Don't need that.

 

Then you'll mostly date women who no one else wants to date, or women who lie and say they're not dating anyone (even worse).

[serial muse]

Are you bashing women in general? Please say no, but I keep hearing that. Maybe I'm sensitive considering I'm female, but the last few days have just been awful in this area. If you want some validation of that just let me know, I can give you links to some very specific threads where woman bashing is applauded. You would be welcomed with closed minds.

 

It happens here periodically, DDL. Don't take it too much to heart; most people here are quite tolerant and thoughtful. Of course, there's a lot of bitterness toward the opposite gender on a site dedicated to relationship problems (we don't, despite rampant female bisexuality, get very many same-sex relationship questions here ).

[IpAncA]

That's funny, how come my father and grandfather don't recall knowing any bisexual women, but I know more than I ever wanted to?

That's because society is making it more and more ok for them to come out. There is a lot of crap/stuff/whatever that is being accepted more and more. Regardless if you believe in it or not it's not going away. Doesn't mean you have to accept it BUT there are lots of straight women out there.

 

With that in mind I'm wondering where are you meeting women? Have you done other things like volunteering at places, new hobbies, or maybe staying out of bars and offline dating sites?

 

I'm also wondering if your religious or not. Sounds like you are but I didn't want to assume. If so have you thought of meeting women within your own religion? Ones who feel the way you do and believe the same things you do? That might be easier.

[Parmalat]

It gets old after you've been single for three years like me.

 

Dear Kindred_soulman,

 

Have to say your not alone out there. There are a lot of guys and girls in the same position. The problem is meeting these guys and girls.

 

I've heard many times people say on this site that your going to the wrong places and meeting the wrong people there and that you should try better hobbies like dancing and scrabble. (LOL) (please take that last topic as the joke it was intended).

 

Only problem is that we so rarely do these other activities to meet that perfect person, and when you do go to that dance class it becomes clear why you never went there before and are never going to go there again.

 

Bars, night clubs, and all those fun things seem to be the wrong places to meet people, they are most of the time a bit of a gamble.

 

Hope I'm still on track here.

 

I also don't agree with the statements "Stop Looking", as you agre the guy who is suppose to be doing the "hunting thing" if you stop looking I think it is safe to say you might never find someone. I'd say don't be desperately asking every woman for her number, but keep an eye out for that someone different.

 

So what to do.

 

It sounds to me like your growing up, and the times where you were just looking for fun and games are running out.

 

You are now looking for a life long friend, perhaps if I may ventrue there you are aiming in the long run for marrage Right?

 

But to get there we have a couple of steps.

1. Meeting the girl

2. Becoming friends.

3. Creating a foundation for an intimate relationship

4. The rest of your life.

 

So now you have to "up" the hunting ground to the type of woman you would like to be involved with.

 

You seem like a good catch, so what is your idea of a good catch in a girl. And where do you think these girls would hang out, what would they be interested in, what would be their likes and dislikes.

 

Remember if you want a girl that is going to realise your "Status" and "what you offer" in life your going to need someone that is in the similar place in their life (TRICKY TRICKY).

 

So here is what I think you are looking for

1. Girl that have potentially done further studies of some sort.

2. Girl that have a career or is working towards obtaining one.

3. Girl that would like a nice stable gentleman to share life.

 

Where to meet them:

1. These girls generaly don't hang in bars, or nightclubs. DON'T get me wrong, they might enjoy it every now and then but it's not part of the weekly routine.

 

2. These girls will hang out with friends, at your age a lot of your friends might already already be married, so if you have married friends it might be a good idea to start a regular dinner evening or something where your married friends can bring single ones along, and this will give you a relaxed healty environment of meeting someone on your playing field.

 

3. Ladies on your playing field might belong to social clubs, I don't mean the ones where they have tea in the afternoon I'm referring to Business chambers or similar organisations for business purposes.

 

If I were you I'd start attending and this has a dual purpose, you get to promote your business while scanning potential girls.

 

4. Now the next one I'm going to get shot for but it does carry a level of sucess, however I do advise caution, meeting singles in the supermarket, just look for the girls carrying a basket and looks like she's buying for one.

 

5. A potentially very dangerous option is to ask relatives, (you know the ones I'm talking about, that aunt that has nothing better to do but match up the families kids) they might have someone in mind or be able to introduce you to potential candidates.

 

As you can see it's not a rosy picture, these girls are out there but are having just as hard a time to find guys like you than you are trying to find girls like them.

 

So morral of the story, change the search pattern to include the people who know you and have contacts. The ladies you meet through them has already survived 1 screening process so their not a total loss.

 

Now some negative comments:

1. Stop smoking, it's bad for you, it make all your clothes stink, your apartment will smell and it's generaly a terrible turn off for ladies.

Besides if your that attractive and fit do you really want to be talking with smoke comming from your mouth.

 

If you need something to do with your hands knit!

 

2. Try to be very calm when talking to girls, we don't like insults or arrogance, the faintest hint and we start gliding towards the exit sign. I know you are being confident, but it might be misinterpreted for arrogance which you don't want people to think.

 

3. There is nothing wrong with you, stop looking for the problem that doesn't exist. You just haven't been exposed to the right woman yet. When she meets you, this will be the least of your worries.

 

Hope this wasn't too long and helped a little, I'll check up again later to see other comments, so keep us up to date on your progress.

 

Good luck!

[PussInHeels]

Negative attributes

 

1) Am just getting out of debt from student loans and being poor while in college.

2) I smoke camel lights ( 1/2 pack a day)

3) I can be impatient with people... especially women who play games

4) I am a procrastinator at times.

 

I also drink on occasion, but rarely get drunk.

 

That's it? Well aren't we a show-off? j/k

 

It sounds like you just haven't met a woman you're very compatible with yet. You sound like you have things in order, and you probably have a relatively good idea of what you're looking for in a relationship. You also said you don't care for games. Avoiding games alone probably cuts dating activity in half. Just don't get discouraged, and don't feel like you have to lower your standards. Since you know your positive attributes already, you're a step ahead. Make sure you're projecting those attributes.

 

I would tell you to stop smoking, but that would be hypocritical.

[lonelybird]

The requirements God for us would change after 2,000 years? It more sounds like Gold would change to rotten wood after 2,000 years.

maybe that is "people want to please other people and own desires rather than please God"

How much did we compromised!

[lonelybird]

That's rich. There were lesbians in ancient Greece, dude.

Yes, in ancient Greece time God did not allow lesbians, why would now?

[freckles73]

kindred_soulman,

 

What kind of women do you usually find yourself attracted to? Are they usually the barbie doll, princess types....women that might be described as hotties, rather than classically beautiful? The reason that I ask is that a lot of my girlfriends who are the bleached blonde, clubbing types tend to be attracted to bad boy losers. Whereas, my friends that are more the girl next door types tend to be attracted to nice guys and have better, long-lasting relationships.

 

Also, it's interesting that you are coming across a lot of women who are dating multiple guys at once. Here in Chicago I usually find that it's the opposite problem. I'm always meeting guys who want to date me AND other women at the same time, even after we've been going out for a couple of months. They usually call things off because I won't sleep with them, but I have higher standards and make it very clear that I cannot have an intimate relationship with someone outside of exclusivity. It seems like the men in my area are all about keeping it a numbers game...dating as many women as they can at one time...especially those men that I might meet on dating sites.

[blind_otter]

Yes, in ancient Greece time God did not allow lesbians, why would now?

 

jigga what?

[kindred_soulman]

Okay, there have been a lot of responses and I will try to entertain the bulk of them in this post.

 

1) I am not a Bible thumper. I don't want a 30 year old virgin (although it would be nice). I essentially believe that if we live our lives according to the teachings of the Bible, then we will lead a healthier, happier life.

Of course I have had sex before marriage and I prefer it that way but I also recognize it is a sin. All I am saying is that if more people followed what the Bible teaches there would not be as much turmoil in this world.

 

2) I admit to being BITTER. I have a long history of women cheating and just being selfish when my companion. This is where my bitterness comes from.

 

3) I do like a "girly" girl. She does not have to be a super model, but most of the girls I dated I found to be attractive. I won't settle for less. I don't look for perfection, but I do knwo what I like. I find a lot of average women attractive, but I draw the line at obesity and other traits. Now if some loser guy with no job can get himself a nice looking gal, then why can't I?

 

After some reflection, I came up with these issues:

 

BITTERNESS: How does one put the past behind them so that they are not bitter BUT at the same time remember so that I do not get used again?

 

STANDARDS: So I like girly girls. Most guys do, just seem to be more of a rariety. I will never settle for less than what I want.

[blind_otter]

BITTERNESS: How does one put the past behind them so that they are not bitter BUT at the same time remember so that I do not get used again?

 

Forgive.

 

That's how I got over my bitterness towards men, anyways. I had to understand that not all men were the same. Not all men were going to hurt me. It is a resolution and an understanding that you must come to within yourself.

[freckles73]

3) I do like a "girly" girl. She does not have to be a super model, but most of the girls I dated I found to be attractive. I won't settle for less. I don't look for perfection, but I do knwo what I like. I find a lot of average women attractive, but I draw the line at obesity and other traits. Now if some loser guy with no job can get himself a nice looking gal, then why can't I?

 

So what you're saying is that you want a girly-girl, but if she's very pretty but curvy, forget it. Got it. All men want Barbie, and then when they end up with a spoiled princess they wonder why she treats him like *****.

[Star Gazer]

Well, as soon as I saw your avatar, I knew right away. (1) You date strippers, and (2) you're arrogant as he!!. Yes, there IS a fine line between arrogance and confidence, but if I can open up your thread and instantly realize it's "the cocky guy" just by seeing your avatar, that means that you struck a "cocky" cord with me...and as someone who's surrounded by men who think they're God's gift and is now almost immune to it, it actually takes a lot for me to be turned off by the characteristic.

 

I was going to go back and quote some of your other material, but this post alone was plenty:

 

 

1) who am I to decide that these women are playing games?

 

Well if they tell you they are dating 4 guys simultaneously.... kind of makes you question their character

 

2) All American culture is responsible for your single status?

 

Yes, American culture has had a major role in my life and single status. After all, I am a part of it myself.

 

Example : It is okay in our society for women to be bisexual. Since I don't want to raise kids with a bisexual woman, I have just ruled out dating A LOT of women, therefore increasing my odds of remaining single.

 

Just one example of many I can give you from American society. If you need more, please ask.

 

3) Someone else's career choices make him a deadbeat?

Well if you drop out of high school, land a job as a waiter and never attempt to improve yourself then YES YOU ARE A DEADBEAT. Women seem to love these types... i don't know if it's pity or the initial excitement of doing some guy not good for you.

 

1) I am casually dating 4 guys right now. I have a second date with one of them on Wednesday, and I plan on having a second with another one on Friday. Are you insulting MY character? Remember, you're the one who dated a stripper, friend. Are you so enamored with yourself that you think once a gal has met you she should just drop at your feet and only date you??

 

2) Blaming an entire society for your single status? Pointing fingers at 296 MILLION people isn't going to get you into a happy relationship. Time to take some ownership, buddy.

 

3) I actually made about the same amount of money that I do now (as an attorney) when I was bartending in college. Granted, it wasn't a "waiter" - but pretty close. Some people actually enjoy waiting tables, particularly if it's high-end. My ex was a waiter. At the time, he didn't have any "dreams" or take any active steps to "better himself" either, but he was making a good living and he came home genuinely happy (hopefully because of me, hehe) everyday. You can't say the latter for yourself, now can you?

[Star Gazer]

1) I am not a Bible thumper. I don't want a 30 year old virgin (although it would be nice). I essentially believe that if we live our lives according to the teachings of the Bible, then we will lead a healthier, happier life.

Of course I have had sex before marriage and I prefer it that way but I also recognize it is a sin. All I am saying is that if more people followed what the Bible teaches there would not be as much turmoil in this world.

 

2) I admit to being BITTER. I have a long history of women cheating and just being selfish when my companion. This is where my bitterness comes from.

 

3) I do like a "girly" girl. She does not have to be a super model, but most of the girls I dated I found to be attractive. I won't settle for less. I don't look for perfection, but I do knwo what I like. I find a lot of average women attractive, but I draw the line at obesity and other traits. Now if some loser guy with no job can get himself a nice looking gal, then why can't I?

 

After some reflection, I came up with these issues:

 

BITTERNESS: How does one put the past behind them so that they are not bitter BUT at the same time remember so that I do not get used again?

 

STANDARDS: So I like girly girls. Most guys do, just seem to be more of a rariety. I will never settle for less than what I want.

 

 

Holy he!! - totally missed this one.

 

1) How does paying naked women to grind on your equate to following the teachings of the Bible? You want to have your cake and eat it too. Arrogant and selfish.

 

2) No surprise there, but again, you need to take ownership of your own feelings and behavior. You're categorically treating and looking at women in a certain light, and no one likes to be pidgeon-holed.

 

3) Beauty fades. It does, period. You will NEVER be happy unless you learn to look at what's on the inside of a woman... her inner qualities could be what turn you on more than her super-model good looks.

[Darkwall]

2) I admit to being BITTER. I have a long history of women cheating and just being selfish when my companion. This is where my bitterness comes from.

BITTERNESS: How does one put the past behind them so that they are not bitter BUT at the same time remember so that I do not get used again?

 

FORGIVENESS

You need to forgive all those women who wonded your heart. They just weren't for you. Forgive that and forgive them.

 

TRUST

Now, you need to trust the next woman you meet until she gives you a solid reason not to.

[ash519]

How do you let go of bitterness? It's really hard. Take a deep breath (really) and try to let go. Remember all women are not the same. And also, look back at the past of the times you did get screwed over and learn to recognize certain things that you believe lead to your relationship going south.

 

I forget the exact quote but it was something like, love is like a fire, you dont know if you are going to get burned or stay hot. I dont know, basically saying love is a gamble, and it is. But if you decide you want to try again you cant go into it bitter and already thinking that the next woman will be the same. Give her a chance. Try and go for a different type too.

[Pretty Fly]

Interesting thought on the bi-sexuality thing: I remember reading a letter in a men's mag that was answered by a resident "agony-aunt" who was bi. The letter was from a guy who was seeing a bi-sexual woman, but he was worried she was going to cheat on him with another woman, or "demand" that she be able to have relationships with other women. The reply said don't put up with that behaviour. Bi-sexual women can and do choose to have monogamous relationships with men. It's just that when they're single, they can choose between either sexes.