knife twisting in the gut

[polywog]

Hey LSers,

 

Today I feel so deadly awful... heartsick. My SO broke up with me 2 weeks ago, I am still living at the house, as is he sometimes, and we have had NC for a week, except for waving at each other on the street and running into each other in a store once (just said hi, and I looked strong and cheerful, I hope).

 

I have felt strong and hopeful about myself since I started posting recently, but today I just feel like a mess. I Miss Him and Wish he would change his mind. I know this is something I can't control, of course. But I look around here at this life we created and just feel sick that I have to leave it.

 

What made it worse is that a few hours ago a friend that I have not talked to (tho she knows via a brief email from me what has happened) called me, and told me everything that I just can't bear to hear today. Things like that she saw this coming, that he probably does not want it to work out and wants to be alone and have his life back, stuff that was like throwing cold water on me when I am already wet and shiverring. I just did not have the strength to hear this today, tho I went along with the conversation.

 

So I guess I am posting right now because I feel so weak and so low... maybe hoping to hear something from you all to help my spirit....

[umami]

Poly, I wish I had something to say that would lift your spirits. I know what you are feeling. The only way I've been able to get out of it is to know this hour will pass. The next hour will pass. I also try to do something for myself when it gets bad. Even just getting in the car for a drive has helped. Going to my favorite grocery store. Being around people even if I don't know them, so going to the grocery or coffee shop helps. You and I are in the same early period. I sooo know what you are feeling. (((Poly)))

 

M

[polywog]

Thank You, M....

I just wanted to hear from someone else with the knife in the gut, and your post meant a lot. Right as I was about to reply my best friend called & we had a great talk which did lift my spirits. It's just one of those days, the first really truly awful bleak one I have had in a while. Anyhow, I am such not a message board person, but this LS and people like you have really helped me more that I can say....(((M)))

 

polywog

[dgiirl]

If your friend is a true friend, I'm sure that she meant well. Some people have a hard time with knowing the right thing to say and if she is a true friend, she's probably trying her best to lift your spirits. Try and forgive her and realize she meant well.

 

But umami is right. When you find yourself dwelling on him and the past, or fearing what the future might bring, just focus on the present moment and do something that will lift your spirits. Day dream, call a friend, go to the library or book store, get out and interact with the world. When you start taking an active roll in your healing, the faster you'll heal. It is moments like these that test us. Let's us know what we're really made of. It's ok to cry and mourn, but you can also use this event to make something better for yourself. It's a life changing event and you get to decide how much of an affect it'll have on your life, and if it'll be a good or bad experience. It's all your choice.

 

Let me reassure you, if you put in the effort, and give it some time, things WILL get better.

[polywog]

If your friend is a true friend, I'm sure that she meant well. Some people have a hard time with knowing the right thing to say and if she is a true friend, she's probably trying her best to lift your spirits. Try and forgive her and realize she meant well.

 

Let me reassure you, if you put in the effort, and give it some time, things WILL get better.

 

Thanx, dgirl....

Luckily, this true friend is not just the type who just tells me what I want to hear...she can be quite harsh with the truth, actually. It lifted my spirits to hear from her because she is my touchstone... knows my SO (xSo?) and brings me back to myself. Luckily, I like myself so this is a good thing! Thanks for the wise and kind words....

[Dad_of_3]

Hi Poly,

 

Heartache, pain, suffering, misery .. I could go on. Its part and parcel of the process you are going through.

I make no bones about it, it is and will be tough, but it does get better. Everyone has that strength and wisdom in them. Dig and look for it hard enough it is there.

 

One piece of advice I could give at this time is to focus on you. I know its tough as everything emotionally and rationally is pointing to SO.

Your vision is blinkered. Very much.

I can not express it enough, that once it is gone, that you choose to take those blinkers off, the world will open up.

You see, experience, feel things differently, like you never have before.

 

Expect the worst, but ALWAYS hope for the best.

 

Keep posting

[debilou]

My STBXH left 2 yrs 3 months ago and I still miss him. I miss the man I married not the man he turned into. My point is that it's been a long time for me and I still feel everything you said you're feeling. It's just not as often and not as deep as it was 2 years ago.

 

This and marriagebuilders is the only message boards I've posted on. LS has been a real help for me. Friends and family are too close to the situation sometimes. Strangers seem to see what's really going on. Sounds weird but I swear I got the best advice from this forum. My friends and family just wanted me to file for divorce ASAP. I couldn't. I had to get there by myself.

 

This quote helped me. "Can I have the capacity to free myself from the dependency of the problem?" Deep huh?

 

Umami ~ I know you're reading this and I'll bet you could use that one too.

[polywog]

Hi all,

It's been so helpful just to hear from you all. I think where I feel stuck at the moment is just wishing he would see the light and want me back (it even makes me sick to write this). It is a real effort to just move forward thru this , but I am even tho it feels like I have lead weights on my legs. Just before logging on right now I made an appointment with a therapist, and got an appt. for next Weds (did not expect to get one so soon!). It is just soooo hard to Let Go. Does not help that our friends think he's crazy and going through a MLC, which is of course what I want to hear and feeds the hope. I am sure I have my own role in this relationship ending so therapy will help.

[debilou]

I STILL feel rejected by my STBXH. I know I'm the best woman he will ever have. I am the mother of his children, he was the only man I had ever been intimate with. Note the WAS. I thought I was everything he could ever want. Sure, I agreed we had problems and would have walked thru fire to fix our marriage but it didn't turn out that way.

 

At first I thought he left me for a blonde at work but it turns out he's happy with a flavor of the week. It makes me sick. Mid life crisis would be putting it mildly for what my H has done.

 

Anyway, the bottom line is that we can only control ourselves and no one else. That's why you have to work on you. And now you'll have more free time to do so.

 

Counseling will be great for you. Self help books will too.

 

I know how bad this sucks. It's the most life altering thing I've ever experienced. It's worse than death. Because he's still alive and lives 3 miles away but another person lives in his head. I get sooo sad. I couldn't fix him or this. I still love him but where does it get me? I refuse to be a victim. We have to move forward.

 

We're here for you polywog ! ! !

[polywog]

Thanks debilu, loved your last reply. Just gotta keep moving through this, and I am realizing that I am Not Stuck as long as I move even an inch through it, making the effort, which I am. Means so much to have you all out there in cyberworld LS :) :)

[ilmw]

Debilou...excellent post:)

 

polywog.. you are showing an excellent attitude... if it is only an inch you can muster... than it is still momentium forward.... and any movement forward is positive...

 

Keep this up... and like any exercise... you will get better and stronger... k

 

Take care of you..

ilmw

[dgiirl]

ilmw is exactly right. Even if it's just an inch forward, you are still making the effort which takes a lot of courage and strength to do so. Refocus your life towards yourself and what you bring to the world, and try not to think too much of what you've lost, but think more of what you will gain. You can either focus on a love that happened in the past, or put all that effort into the loves that you currently have. Your family and friends deserve much more attention than an asshat who's left Uncertainty is scary! But with it comes so much possibilities. Not many people have a chance to stop, take a look at their lives and actually make life altering changes. Most ppl just keep going on with their daily routine never actually asking themselves if this is what they really want. With a divorce or loss, we're given the chance to reexamine everything that means something to us and decide if we want to continue or do something different. This is definitely an exciting time if you put your mind to it.

[mum2three]

That is a great thread. I am just in the beginning of the D process. I know how you feel about missing the person that have been by your side. I almost want to kick myself when I have those moments too. It is especially hard when I am sleeping with my 2 yr dtr. I just can't believe this is where I'm at when we worked so hard to have this wonderful family.

 

You have some wonderful support here. ILMW is great to have your advice from a male point of view. Dgirl & debilou, you gals are as tough as nails. I read your thread debilou and I know how you tormented over saving this marriage but yet you had such courage and independence in your tone too.

 

After reading these threads, I have to force myself to get out of the fleeting ruts or longing for what is gone. I made myself reach out to others so that my mind would be kept busy and engaged with positive energy. I won't say that it lasts all day and nite but it's a start.

 

Polywog, cut off the negative conversations that is going to bring you down. Just make some excuse with your friend and say you're busy. I do that too. My best male friend means well and said the same thing, i.e. that he say it coming, if you ask anybody ...he looked unhappy, etc....

 

It does nothing for me at this point. It would have been helpful if he told me earlier but he said that he couldn't tell me that. So I choose not to engage in that type of conversation.

 

Get yourself out there. Join some classes or community work. Start therapy and see how that goes. I find it helpful but it's only 45 in out of the entire wk. It is up to you the rest of the time.

[mum2three]

Does anyone else think so? I haven't found anyother sites this closely connected for marriage/relationship issues. The senior members here are so devoted to helping others. Can't thank them enough for holding our hands thru this crazy time.

[polywog]

One of the best things about LS for me is not only the great advice and warm compassion I feel, but that the people who's advice I treasure have been such great examples of strength, even in the worst of circumstances. I "lurked" for a few days before signing up here (I am not the type of person who is attracted to messageboards at all), and just following all of your threads has been a gift in itself. Yes, LS is surely Great!!! luv u all!

 

the grateful polywog

[dgiirl]

For me, i took some comfort in knowing that other's have been through what I went through. It made me feel less alone and gave me hope in that if these people can get through it and become better from it, then I should be able to too.

 

It does take time so be patient and kind to yourself, especially in the early stages. But in time AND effort, things will start to get better.

[mum2three]

just finding a someone just to avoid being alone.

 

Oh, you know what I mean!

[polywog]

I have just reread this thread of mine with all its support from wise LSers, which has been great.

 

I saw a therapist today and tho it was a "getting to know you" type of first appointment, she told me that I have been too hard on myself. This is true, but hearing it from the person I will be working on myself with was a liberating gift.

 

I have had a terrible four days of grief and feeling helpless, but this morning I got up the guts to make calls about new places to live, despite great resistance from my sad soul, and got great help and encouragement.

 

I also have come to realize that I believe in my gut (won't bore you all with the details) that my SO is seeing another woman. It's an educated hunch, and whether it's true or not it is helping me to move on. We have been doing NC, and I confess that I was hanging on to NC being a way to "win him back". Now I have passed through that into really doing NC to move forward with my life. These NC days have given me some space to rethink what I want and need and reflect on whether SO was even able to give me those things (I am thinking not, painful as it is).

 

Anyhow, I am feeling a bit of strength at the moment, tho I won't lie... I am sad, and kind of scared, but getting there....inch by inch.

[debilou]

Eeewww, that awful gut thing. You are way ahead of the game if you trust your instincts. I didn't. I couldn't trust myself then. My head was just spinning. Watching my family fall apart.

 

Great book to read about trusting your gut is "The Gift of Fear" by Gain DeBecker. You will love it. It's not about relationships at all but it would be good for you.

 

The OW . . . . . you're probably 100% right. Men suck. Decide for yourself how you want to hanlde it. I myself didn't go nuts trying to catch him. That's me though. I tend to just let things go.

 

You're doing great polywog! Keep posting.

 

Debilou

[Dad_of_3]

I have just reread this thread of mine with all its support from wise LSers, which has been great.

 

You'll do this for a long time to come. Come to learn from it. You'll look back over it and think how far you've come. Baby steps ... it will come.

 

I saw a therapist today and tho it was a "getting to know you" type of first appointment, she told me that I have been too hard on myself. This is true, but hearing it from the person I will be working on myself with was a liberating gift.

 

Brillant! This is truly great to hear. So many think, go over about doing something but never actually do it. I commend you for taking this step. What else are you doing for yourself? What other steps outside of counselling are you doing?

 

I have had a terrible four days of grief and feeling helpless, but this morning I got up the guts to make calls about new places to live, despite great resistance from my sad soul, and got great help and encouragement.

Thia is normal. You'll have your ups and downs. They will come and go. Identifying them and finding coping mechanisms are definitely the normal process. Aceept you will have low periods, ride them out, and when the highs come, embrace them and enjoy them for what they are worth. You taking steps, I truly applaud you. Moving on is not only a choice, but only a choice you can make! Great stuff!

 

I also have come to realize that I believe in my gut (won't bore you all with the details) that my SO is seeing another woman. It's an educated hunch, and whether it's true or not it is helping me to move on. We have been doing NC, and I confess that I was hanging on to NC being a way to "win him back". Now I have passed through that into really doing NC to move forward with my life. These NC days have given me some space to rethink what I want and need and reflect on whether SO was even able to give me those things (I am thinking not, painful as it is).

 

If that is the case, that he is seeing someone else. There's nothing you can do about that. It is his choice that he has made.

(Stealing your quote Gunny, sorry )

What does he have that the 1.3 billion other guys on this planet dont have?

What he doesnt find attractive in you, around the corner after you have healed and in a stronger and better place, there will be someone else. Someone worthy of you, treat you as you should be treated, repsect you as you should be respected.

Take the blinkers that you have on. Life is there for you to embrace it.

I cant wait for it to fully happen to you.

 

Anyhow, I am feeling a bit of strength at the moment, tho I won't lie... I am sad, and kind of scared, but getting there....inch by inch.

 

Baby steps poly, it all happens for a reason.

May not be clear now, but it will come.

Keep strong and live life.

[umami]

Hey poly...just wondering how you are doing?

 

M

[polywog]

Thank you all for posting such kind and encouraging thoughts, each one deeply appreciated.

 

I've been on LS a lot but not posting on my thread because my moods about this have been such a roller coaster. Our NC has been more of LC since last posting, as I had a few real reasons to talk to him (he did not initiate any of the talk). I have to say that I put on a brave face during the LC, cheerful, talking to him only as necessary on my way out to do something else. Each time set me back a little. This is because he clearly has no desire to contact me. He isn't staying at the house now at all (it is his house, we are not married, but have had an almost 9 year relationship). In fact, he is only here to work in his garage on some cars he needs to take apart, and only for a few hours each day that I can see. This is extremely painful. It's hard to fathom that after all these years together he can be so detached. I am having a very hard time sometimes trying not to second guess what he's thinking, what he's doing though I know this is a waste of energy. I don't have a clue where he's staying or what he is doing when he's not here. Yes, I know that it's out of my control

 

A strange thing is that he has not told the few friends who call for him, or even his own parents! His mother called me last night after just hearing about it from his brother's wife (I told them, and they live right behind us). She was upset and could not understand why this was happening, why he was being so aloof about such a big change in his circumstances. His family loves me, by the way, and are very unahppy and worried.

 

Anyway, enough about him... I have been investigating new living situations and am feeling freaked out about money. I live in a small very expensive town, a tourist economy where we all work seasonally. I am an artist but make most of my money in the summer at a seasonal job, and it's not enough to live on. I am having to rethink everything around this. Many people know me and want to help, but the fact is that it is not easy even for well-intentioned people to provide low/affordable rent because taxes on property & mortgage payments are so high. The people I have contacted are eager to rent to me and keep finding ways to lower rent to get me to take their places, but they can only afford to go so low... I have some great options and am just trying to figure out how I can do this. The upside is that I am touched by the kindness people are showing me, and the other upside is that I have squandered some money-making opportunities with my art talents in the past out of complasence (sp?) so it's a kick in the butt to start following up on these things.

 

OK, I know this is a Long Post, but I have some random thoughts that I'd be curious to get your takes on:

 

I just started seeing a therapist, and she's good. I've only seen her twice. She ws surprised that I have not been talking to SO, did not know about NC and looked puzzled and bemused when I tried to explain this, and told her about LS (did not mention it by name). I got the feeling that she thought I should be talking to him. Now I am questioning this NC stuff.

 

I mentioned in my posts that I am in a LTR, but not married. The SO is actually still married to a woman that he has not seen in over 10 years and has no desire to be with (she has huge problems, addiction, etc). He has stalled divorcing her for legitimate reasons too complex to go into having to do with his finances, but settled those & this fall came close. He needs to file for divorce in abstentia, as she has vanished, but has not taken those steps. I didn't nag him, but it really bothered me, justifiably, that he keeps putting this off. I think, gulp, that this is a Giant Red Flag that I just did not want to see. I have also wondered if the "Separation and Divorce" thread was the most appropriate thread for me, and chose it over "Breaking Up" because I relate more to the people on it (the other thread is good, but I don't feel as much in common with people who have been dating for a few months, etc. Now I am wondering if I am an imposter here!

 

Anyway, thanks for reading if you managed to read to the end of this long, somewhat whiney post, and any thoughts would be appreciated....

[debilou]

Do you have children? Just wondering? I don't think you're an imposter. Living with someone as H/W is marriage without the paperwork, right? Anyway, I'm sorry you're so confused right now.

 

I think Sep/Div forum would be appropriate for your situation.

 

Have you considered a part time job in the "art" area? Like maybe working in an art studio? I don't know much about that field but if money is the problem then branch out into what you love.

 

It takes time to find your center. I can't say I've found mine yet. But I know this is MY valley.

 

You're doing fine. You're intelligent and headed in the right direction. Take a deep breath and find your confidence. You'll get thru this.

 

Debilou

[dgiirl]

I agree with Debilou! To me, the actual ring and ceremony had little affect on how I saw my relationship. Once I was committed, I was committed. To me, this is what marriage is about. Being fully committed for the rest of your life.

 

The whole NC is a complex issue. You need to do what feels comfortable to you. If you are having productive talks with your SO, then I'd keep talking with him. If you are not having productive talks, if you are crying and pleading and begging for him to come back, for your own sanity, you should do NC. There's absolutely no fool proof way of getting them to change their mind, and you'll go insane trying to figure out what actions will produce which outcome. Give yourself a break and take the stress off.

[polywog]

Do you have children? Just wondering? I don't think you're an imposter. Living with someone as H/W is marriage without the paperwork, right? Anyway, I'm sorry you're so confused right now.

 

I think Sep/Div forum would be appropriate for your situation.

 

Have you considered a part time job in the "art" area? Like maybe working in an art studio? I don't know much about that field but if money is the problem then branch out into what you love.

 

It takes time to find your center. I can't say I've found mine yet. But I know this is MY valley.

 

You're doing fine. You're intelligent and headed in the right direction. Take a deep breath and find your confidence. You'll get thru this.

 

Thanks debilou, I/we don't have any children. We stopped using BC early on but it just never happened, which I accepted.

 

I have done some fabric designs and have some great connections professionally, and have sold some, one to Garnet Hill which was great. I have been lazy about persuing it more, but since I have a proven track record this is one area where I could buckle down and make some money, possibly. I have also been asked to teach, and finally taught a painting class last summer, which was terrifying, but it was a way to break down my resistance to doing it, and that is now a possiblity for me. I also sell most of my work, but have not been prolific enough or pushed that enough to make a living. I suffer from creative blocks a lot, and want to work on that in my new therapy. I have considered that this crap I'm going through is the unverse's way of nudging me forward into this. My paintings have personal iconography so mining myself during this painful time could be very fruitful artistically. I just feel scared for some reason, like a little kid attending school for the first time!

 

Thanks for telling me I'm doing fine, it helps because lately I haven't felt like I was... your words mean a lot!