knife twisting in the gut

[polywog]

The whole NC is a complex issue. You need to do what feels comfortable to you. If you are having productive talks with your SO, then I'd keep talking with him. If you are not having productive talks, if you are crying and pleading and begging for him to come back, for your own sanity, you should do NC. There's absolutely no fool proof way of getting them to change their mind, and you'll go insane trying to figure out what actions will produce which outcome. Give yourself a break and take the stress off.

 

Thanks dgirl. I can't quite figure out what is comfortable to me around NC. It seems as if most of the LSers think this is The Way to move on, etc., but it just feels freaky to me that this man I have lived with and loved for all these years is on the premises, but we have only had about 4 very brief interactions in a month, all of those last week around 1)the furnace breaking down and my calling him, and 2) dealing with a vet bill for our dog. It pains me that he has not initiated any contact with me at all. I do not have any desire to beg or plead with him, yet I would like to talk to him. What I would I talk about to a man who broke up with me and doesn't try to contact me even when he is on the property, tho never in the house?

Maybe I just want to break the ice, but it's confusing.

 

Yes, I just need to give myself a break from all this. Unfortunately I have been spending a lot of time on LS, and I'm starting to feel like it's keeping me too focussed on my dilema, and not on getting on with my daily life. This being said, it's also been invaluable hearing from you all, and I am grateful!

[dgiirl]

It pains me that he has not initiated any contact with me at all.

 

I can really relate to this. But this is why NC is important to be able to move on. At first it feels weird that they dont contact you, but with pure NC, instead of LC, you'll get use to the no contact, and heal. You start to focus on you instead of them. With LC, you're always reminded of how he's not contacting because you see him or how he's not interested in you anymore.

 

 

Yes, I just need to give myself a break from all this. Unfortunately I have been spending a lot of time on LS, and I'm starting to feel like it's keeping me too focussed on my dilema, and not on getting on with my daily life. This being said, it's also been invaluable hearing from you all, and I am grateful!

 

I've been there too. So have a few other LSer's. At times its helpful to go into some of the more light hearted forums, at other times it's helpful to take a break from online all together. I've gone through my phases of each. Feel free to stay or leave as much as you need to heal.

[polywog]

I can really relate to this. But this is why NC is important to be able to move on. At first it feels weird that they dont contact you, but with pure NC, instead of LC, you'll get use to the no contact, and heal. You start to focus on you instead of them. With LC, you're always reminded of how he's not contacting because you see him or how he's not interested in you anymore.

 

Yes, I'll do my best with NC tho it's hard because I live in his (used to be our:sick: ) house. There's not much I can do about that at the moment, but I got a great pep talk today from an acquaintance who called to ask us to take care of her dog for us. I told her about the split, and we had a wonderful talk. She was in exactly the same situation a few years ago with a LTR that ended. She stressed doing NC as much as possible despite the situation, and it was very reassuring. Funny how help kind of appears out of nowhere these days, maybe I have good karma.

 

 

 

I've been there too. So have a few other LSer's. At times its helpful to go into some of the more light hearted forums, at other times it's helpful to take a break from online all together. I've gone through my phases of each. Feel free to stay or leave as much as you need to heal.

 

Thanks, I do feel like a deperate geek sometimes, but I'm just in the beginning of this big thing, so I guess it's not so dopey to be casting around looking for comfort in the LS universe. It has been very helpful to read other's posts and post on other's forums. Can't wait 'til that day comes where I post "Hi, it's been I while since I posted...."

[polywog]

Hi all,

 

Something happened yesterday that just set me back, and I feel derailed. I/we got an invitation from SO's sister to come to her house for an informal family gathering next week. This was a phone message and when I called her back I explained that he'd broken up with me, which she'd heard, but did not know the details or whether we were still hanging out together (she hasn't been in contact with him at all). She said that she considers me family and would love for me to come, but I told her that I'd feel awkward, and asked her to call the SO (who I haven't seen in over a week) to see how he felt, and to let me know if he'd attend.

 

She called me back later and said "He's planning to come and would rather that you don't come". While I had told her that I probably would not come of he did, hearing these words were a stab in the heart, ripping open whatever wounds I felt were healing.

 

It made me realize that I am really no where near letting go yet, despite all the attempts and actual progress I feel I have made. It made me realize that I have been practicing NC (easy because he never contacts me) not only to move on, but in hopes of his "seeing the light". It's just demoralizing. We have only been broken up for a month, am I being too hard on myself?

 

Thanks for reading, and if any of you have coping tips beyond keeping busy, going to therapy, etc (I'm doing all those) or any practical advice for how to keep my spirits up, I'd be grateful.

 

the sad polywog:(

[PWSX3]

The roller coaster feelings you are having will be there for some time, you listen to some of the people that have been around for a long time & they still have them but you learn to deal with them, you learn they do get easier, they don't last as long.

 

My W went over to my folks the other day & she rang the door bell. She has never done that, we usually just walk in but she told my mom she felt very uncomfortable just walking in. Even though they are still family and they understand our situation things do change how you feel about family.

 

It's good that his sister still thinks of you as family and maybe you should call her and just tell her it would be to hard for you at this time to deal with everything so you will pass on this one.

 

Maybe he is going just so you can't, maybe he said he doesn't want you there because he wants to hurt you, I don't know there could be many reasons.

 

Like you said, it's only been one month and trust me that is a short time. I am learning there are many steps to this separation and both sides are different. You & I are on the same side, the only thing we want to do it get back together so we try everything we can to make it work. The other person is trying to get away & they aren't even thinking of getting back together so they have to go thru that process that we didn't have to do.

 

In my situation I can see where my W is just now after 5 months starting to be where I was 5 months ago. She is starting to think of us, she is starting to want to do small things with me, she is going to counsoling for herself to better herself & understand her demons so a month is just a start even though it feels a lot longer for you.

 

Sounds like you are doing great, all the things you are going thru believe it or not are normal. Keep taking those baby steps forward and before you know it you have walked a mile & then that will turn into two miles.

 

Are there any hobbies or activities that you have wanted to do but never did? If so now is the time to do them. Believe it or not just reading was very helpful to me because I don't read but it really helped. The biggest thing is to do things for you, to better yourself and make yourself a stronger person.

 

Going to the health club has really helped me, I have met some new people and I've gotten in shape & now I'm looking forward to when I can go do some hiking this summer. I still need to go snow shoeing because that was one thing on my list but haven't found the time.

 

Keep on posting, it also helps and remember you aren't alone there are many that have been where you are at now & it's sad but there will be many more behind you.

[polywog]

Thanks dear PWSX,

Your post has helped me...esp. reminding me that a month is a short time. It does feel like forever at times, tho.

 

I have thought about rejoining the gym, but am too broke, fretting about money due to the change in circumstances... but this is a great suggestion, maybe I'll scare up some $$ to do this.

 

thanx again

[PWSX3]

I have always wondered why when a couple get divorced or separate the woman starts getting into shape, she starts dressing better and I ask myself; self why don't they do that when they are in a relationship for there spouse???

 

Now I know the answer. In my case I am the one that lost the weight, started looking better by going to the gym but here is my own answer. When a person starts doing something for themselves such as going to the gym it does many things, it takes your mind off of things, you start feeling good about yourself, you start to see results in how you look, & you have more energy to do things you might not have done before. I have always been an active person but I have to say I'm in better shape now then I have been in 10 years.

 

It's a good way to make yourself feel good on the inside & the outside.

If you can't go to a gym, then start walking or riding a bike unless it's freezing cole like it is here & then it's kind of hard.

[polywog]

I have always wondered why when a couple get divorced or separate the woman starts getting into shape, she starts dressing better and I ask myself; self why don't they do that when they are in a relationship for there spouse???

 

Well, actually I have not really let myself go at all, except that I am less muscular than usual when I'm working out at the gym. But in general I have noticed that trend, too. I always did it for myself.

 

My bf was with me for 9 years, during which time I have been in pretty decent shape. His reason for the break-up, he says, was that I am too fat: I weigh 120 and am fat by no one's standards but his! He has been super attracted to me when I have weighed more, so this is just some lame excuse of his to end the relationship in my and other's opinion(s). I have a good self-image and am attractive, so this reasoning of his just feels weird, a sign of some other problem of his/ours.

 

I was reading the chapter on MidLife Crisis in Michelle Weinberg's excellent book "The Divorce Remedy", and she said that that is one of the typical criticisms that men give to their SO's during MLC.

[PWSX3]

Well, actually I have not really let myself go at all, except that I am less muscular than usual when I'm working out at the gym. But in general I have noticed that trend, too. I always did it for myself.

 

My bf was with me for 9 years, during which time I have been in pretty decent shape. His reason for the break-up, he says, was that I am too fat: I weigh 120 and am fat by no one's standards but his! He has been super attracted to me when I have weighed more, so this is just some lame excuse of his to end the relationship in my and other's opinion(s). I have a good self-image and am attractive, so this reasoning of his just feels weird, a sign of some other problem of his/ours.

 

I was reading the chapter on MidLife Crisis in Michelle Weinberg's excellent book "The Divorce Remedy", and she said that that is one of the typical criticisms that men give to their SO's during MLC.

 

Sounds to me like it's going to be "HIS" loss on this one!!!

 

Just keep your head up & it sounds like you will be just fine!