Does everyone feel like they are going to die when they go through divorce?

[hopeful2]

Is what I am feeling normal? Does everyone feel like they just lost everything important in their life and don't feel like going on? Does everyone feel this bad or do I have serious issues? I am scared to be home alone because I feel so incredibly lonley, but I don't want to go out with friends because if he saw me, he would think I was looking for guys.

 

My 11yr marriage and my husband is everything to me. Yes I have hobbies and a ton of interests but none of it matters to me without my husband to share it with. That is the way I have always looked at it. He says he still loves me, but says that I have hurt him so bad that he feels like giving up(on everything, not just me). He won't even come home to get his clothes, overnight bag or anything.

 

I messed up bad( I posted a couple of days ago but somehow my password got changed-him maybe?) I am the one that told a friend of ours that I had feelings for him after he told me he loved me. I then confessed it to my husband because of the guilt. I never, ever did anything with the guy but talk. I know what I did was terrible. I vowed to my husband to not talk to the guy anymore and I havn't. I swore I would prove my love to him again and give him time to heal, I was willing to do whatever it took. He left the house for 2 weeks, came back 3 days ago and things were good, till I asked if he wanted to go out with my girlfriend and I for a couple of hours to play darts. He didn't want to, but told me to go. We ate the dinner I cooked first then I got ready to go and I could tell he was angry but didn't know why.

 

We got in a big fight and I lost it. After all of the stress and then the good feelings that things were going to be ok, I couldn't handle why he would be mad, he didn't want me to wear any makeup, hairspray or jewelery- said that it would attract guys. I felt so confused, hurt, angry, mistrusted and sooooo disapointed that things weren't ok...I blew up and starting throwing my jewlery, makeup etc.(not at him)and screaming. I had an absolute breakdown of emotions. I am embarassed...and now he is scared of me.He won't come home for his things because of it. I went out and talked to my girlfriend and he kept calling me and telling me that "I am watching you". I kept thinking to myself what kind of a nut job is this. I can't handle these headgames.

 

He ended up showing up at the bar and demanded(quietly) my wedding ring off of my finger. He has never done this in 11yrs. I understand why he is hurt, I know I was wrong, I have apologized a million times and told him I will do anything. I put a rose and a note in his office before he opened today saying that I understand that he can't trust me right now and until he feels better, I am willing to give him my cell phone, not go out with my friends etc and be a devoted wife and make him feel loved again. He wants nothing to do with me. We talked on the phone for about 3 hours today with me begging and pleading and he only seemed to get angry and want to get further away. What, if anything can I do to save my marriage? Is it really over, does anyone see any hope? Is there ANYTHING at all that I havn't thought of that I can do to prove my love to him? he won't do counseling. Help, please!I love this man! He's my best friend.

[polywog]

He is being unreasonably possesive and jealous. Yes, of course you feel like you are going to die... I know the feeling!!! Go to therapy... couples therapy if he will do that, but if he wan't go for yourself. I'll be thinking of you because I am going through the same yucky sad thing....

[Rooster_DAR]

It's worse than death to me, it's a horrible experience.

[Curmudgeon]

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. I felt that way too, for awhile, but I did get over it and am still alive 12 years later. I'm also happier now than I ever was before.

 

There's an article on divorcebusting.com entitled "The Walk Away Wife" that also applies to a walk away husband. You might get some benefit from reading it. You can find it at:

 

http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

[dgiirl]

yah it's normal. At times I felt like I couldnt breath. I had pains in my chest. It was the very first time I could feel my heart breaking. For a very long time, I never believed it would be possible to move on, to be happy again. But I was stuborn and determined to move on by just putting one foot in front of the other.

 

If you havent already, get into some individual counselling.

[LakesideDream]

Yep, after the 25 year marriage, and the quickie (3 day) divorce I was at the lowest point in my life.

 

I kept breathing though. After awhile I was eating again... and so it goes.

 

As for your situation. You blew it twice. Once by going outside your marriage, once by becoming irrational three days after he tried to work it out.

 

You don't mention whether you have kids. If you do, it's worth doing whatever is necessary to salvage the marriage. If you don't... you may be out of luck.

[Am4Real]

Hopeful2,

 

Honestly, all of us find other human attractive and of interest in our lives, however, when in a committed relationship like a marriage it's simply an interesting observation. To act or speak with this other person of interest is way outside of any boundries, it is a violation of the relationship, trust, and to some extent love itself. Your husband view it this way, he feels violated and I wouild bet he has presumed that eventually you will act upon your interests, maybe not with this person, but with someone, somewhere, someday. In other words he no longer trusts you and words alone will not change those fears.

[Antha]

Yes, its completely normal. But it also gets easier.

 

And the trust? Sometimes trust can be earned back, but that person is not going to forget. Trust is the most difficult thing to ever get back, if you can at all. Trust is EVERYTHING to a relationship, aside from communication.

[umami]

My 11yr marriage and my husband is everything to me. Yes I have hobbies and a ton of interests but none of it matters to me without my husband to share it with. That is the way I have always looked at it. .

 

This is what I struggle with. My 10 year relationship and 3 year marriage w/ my H has made me one with him. I'm my own person, but I'm also one with him. I hate to not share things with him. It is one of the most difficult parts of this bs. Just wanted to let you know, I know what you are feeling!!!

 

M

[ilmw]

I'll add another ... Yup

 

I felt the same way too... lost... totally alone... like a castaway ... crushed up against some rocks on a far and distant shore...

 

You wake up coughing.. and think.... oh F*ck what am I going to do...

 

In time... you figure things out... you calm the hell down.. ... but unlike the castaway... you can come on here... and get help... comfort... information... and mostly... support... from people who... have not reason to give their support except for the fact the are "FANASTIC" Human Beings..

 

ilmw

[mum2three]

That is what i feel like now and it's only the beginning. I really dread the thought of having to move out at some point. I know I took little things for granted before like him checking my tires in the morning on a cold day and he used to clean the ice off my car and warm it up. Those were the old days. I don't think he misses small touches from me.

 

Need to start learning and toughen up. Papers are coming. I don't know how people live together with all this D talk and negotiations etc. It seems like a volatile situation.

[tonyp56]

Yes, at least in my case (wife of 7 years left, we had been together for 11 total, plus 3 kids) I felt like my life had ended. And to be honest, 16 months later, I still feel that way sometimes. But, somehow you learn to cope, and eventually it gets easier. Not that you won't miss them or anything, it just becomes something that you can shake off without much trouble.

[Curmudgeon]

Actually, I don't miss the ex at all. In time you can achieve the blessed state of indifference which is a very comfortable place to be. Of course, it took me about five years to get there. That's when the final emotion, anger, melted away.

[hardknocks]

The feeling is normal and is biologically programmed in us. Make no mistake.. a lot of love has to do with chemical releases in your body that you become used too - like a drug. And when you quit that drug you feel withdrawl.. you feel like you are going to die. It was natural for the survival of our species for humans to mate and to stay with each other. When you boil it all down it goes back to the survival of the species and in that sense - it is like a life and death situation (at least it used to be).. it's your biology calling you .. trying to give you the best chances to procreate and have succesful offspring!

 

given time if you wish, these feeling will subside when your chemical levels stabilize. Did you know they are even working on a drug to minimize the effects tha break ups cause?

[anna13]

my answer is yes .. it is normal , when my husband first left me, when i woke up , i felt frozen ., just couldnt move anypart of my body , I didnt want to leave my bed , just wanted to sleep as long as posible and when i did wake up the pain was unbearable. I remember thinking to myself while i closed my eyes i wish i could just die now ... just take me away from all this pain. my child was the only reason i could force myself to get up in the morning. as time passes the pain lessons and eventually your strength returns . divorce or possible divorce is one of the worse things people go through in this life, but you will get through it , just one foot in front of the other everyday . and everyday you will feel more and more strength withing yourself. the way you feel is normal. being married is like a routine that you have done for years . all of a sudden with the "D" word ... you feel like your whole universe has changed your world is completely upside down. so of course you are basically in shock and just feel great distress .. it is normal. hang in there.

[Gunny376]

There's no doubt that a lot of this is bio-chemical. Hard to believe, but ture.

 

I got the double-whammy, quad effect of divorce, a cheating spouse, post traumatic stress syndrone, hyper-attentivness, depression, aniety, insomnia, panic attacks, having been "instionalised" via the military and my life experiences!

 

Yea! Going crazy is a good word for it!

 

You'll get to the other side of this!

 

Love ~ Gunny!

 

This too will pass!

 

It's going to be alright!

It's going to be alright!

You're going to be alright!

[Gunny376]

Just remember to breath!

 

And, exhale!

 

Love

 

Guns!

 

It will be alright!

[Phee]

This is what I struggle with. My 10 year relationship and 3 year marriage w/ my H has made me one with him. I'm my own person, but I'm also one with him. I hate to not share things with him. It is one of the most difficult parts of this bs.

I know exactly what you're saying. Even when you're having a better day, it's still not really any better because you want to be sharing it with them. Like I'll be watching TV, and I'll laugh at something, and then I'll realise he's not there to laugh with me, and it just seems hollow and pointless.

 

I'm definitely feeling the "wish I were dead" stuff right now. Was with my H for 10 years, married for 5, he left about 4 months ago and just last Friday I found out he's already got himself a rebound girlfriend.

 

It's hard to get to sleep, but somehow you do, and then when you wake up you just wish you could fall right asleep again because the thought of facing the rest of the day in a conscious state is just too painful.

[Gunny376]

I know exactly what you're saying. Even when you're having a better day, it's still not really any better because you want to be sharing it with them. Like I'll be watching TV, and I'll laugh at something, and then I'll realise he's not there to laugh with me, and it just seems hollow and pointless.

 

I'm definitely feeling the "wish I were dead" stuff right now. Was with my H for 10 years, married for 5, he left about 4 months ago and just last Friday I found out he's already got himself a rebound girlfriend.

 

It's hard to get to sleep, but somehow you do, and then when you wake up you just wish you could fall right asleep again because the thought of facing the rest of the day in a conscious state is just too painful.

 

Wow! Yea! I remember those days! I swear I had my own personal rain cloud that followed me around wherever I went whose sole purpose was to rain on my parade ~ for years! Everything that could go wrong ~ did go wrong.

 

It took me a long, long time to realize that my worse enemy in all of this was myself. That it was I that was making all of this so hard on myself, that it was I that was beating myself up over all of it, that it was I that held the keys that would set me free! That it was I that was responsible for making myself happy! That it was I who was responsible for climbing out of the pit of depression and misery. That it was I that kept myself in the deep and dark place, and that it was I who was respoinsible for climbing out of it, putting a smile back on my face, a laugh in my voice, and to get out and rub a little sunshine on my face everyday!

[Woggle]

I did for a little while but the breakup of my first marriage was the best thing to happen to me because it helped me grow a pair of balls. It was a blessing in disguise. I can't even explain it but it woke up something inside of me that I never knew was there.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, I did.