Can you be sure about marriage?

[neowulf]

Thanks for the thoughts guys.

 

I can see everyone's got a few different ideas about the way forward.

 

I can only try and make sense of what I'm feeling. I know no one else can do that for me.

 

I didn't choose to be this uncertain about my future with my girlfriend. I love my girlfriend. My girlfriend loves me.

 

But dispite 'loving' one another, that doesn't mean we're ment to be together. I've spend hours pouring over these forums, reading other peoples stories. I've seen love fail time and time again for these people. It's not enough to 'love' your girlfriend. It has to 'feel' right. It has to 'feel' like it's going somewhere. You have to believe there's a future together for the two of you.

 

Somewhere along the way, I've lost that faith. I've lost that feeling that I could trust in our future together, though I'll be damned if I can figure out why.

 

I don't want to leave her. I can't imagine not having her in my life. That doesn't mean it's the right choice. It means I'm scared of facing life without her. After 5 years, who wouldn't be afraid of walking away.

 

As for "why so much pressure now". I guess I don't want to waste her time, or mine, if I'm just not certain about her at this point. I really feel I should be. It's been 5 years. It seems insane to me that I haven't had a feeling of "Wow.. she's the one for me".

 

I'm freaked that the feeling will *never* come. That I'll wake up in 3 years and *still* not feel certain about her. Of course I don't want to put her through that. I don't fancy going through it either.

 

I've given serious thought to getting some space. Moving back out on my own and being alone for a while. Of course I'm risking losing my girlfriend in the process, but I feel I owe her certainty. I want her to know when (if) I go down on that one knee, I wanted to marry her for all the right reasons, not just some rationalised set of *sensible* reasons that I worked my way through.

 

Yeah, I know. Self-pitty isn't becoming. But I'm not some monster out to hurt my girlfriend. I'm conflicted and torn up about my feelings towards this... it isn't a picnic.

[adnCat]

You are right, love isn't enough. You have reservations about the relationship, and you aren't sure what to do about it. It isn't really self-pity. You are trying to seriously consider her life and her feelings.

 

I don't think it is a bad idea to give yourself some space. You do owe her some certainty after 5 years.

 

To turn the tables, think about what we would tell her if she came posting that she and her bf had been together 5 years and he wasn't sure about marriage. I think most people would tell her to walk away, or set some kind of deadline and walk away if she doesn't get a proposal by then.

[luvtoto]

Yeah, I know. Self-pitty isn't becoming. But I'm not some monster out to hurt my girlfriend. I'm conflicted and torn up about my feelings towards this... it isn't a picnic.

Like I said before, these are your feelings. You are not a monster for having them.

 

You know what you want to do deep down, you just feel too guilty to do it. You wouldn't be a monster by letting her go.

 

I am just really scared for you. You may have a weak moment with her and end up getting married. Then what? A walk down the aisle, and a signed piece of paper won't magically change how you feel.

 

There is nothing wrong with moving out and getting some space. Staying with her 'cause you are scared of losing her..is not a good reason to marry her.

[AriaIncognito]

Wow I wish i had something to really contribute here, but I fear I don't.

 

If it doesn't feel right, it more than likely isn't. You sound like you're thinking totally rationally and honestly, I think you're handling this whole thing in a really mature manner. I think it's great that you're very concerned with dragging it out, and I think it's great that you're not just caving in because it seems like you have to. Divorce rates are so high because people get married out of a sense of feeling they owe it to someone else, but really, the reason should be because your life wouldn't be the same without them.

 

I commend you for handling this so well, it must be extremely difficult. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Until then, keep posting, you've got friends out here in cyberland.

[neowulf]

Wow I wish i had something to really contribute here, but I fear I don't.

 

If it doesn't feel right, it more than likely isn't. You sound like you're thinking totally rationally and honestly, I think you're handling this whole thing in a really mature manner. I think it's great that you're very concerned with dragging it out, and I think it's great that you're not just caving in because it seems like you have to. Divorce rates are so high because people get married out of a sense of feeling they owe it to someone else, but really, the reason should be because your life wouldn't be the same without them.

 

I commend you for handling this so well, it must be extremely difficult. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Until then, keep posting, you've got friends out here in cyberland.

 

Thanks for the words of support. I appreciate it. You guys have been great listeners. It's really helped to get my thoughts/feelings out and get some contructive feedback on them.

 

I'm doing my best to be fair about this whole thing. Over the past week, I've just kept swinging wildy back and forth in my mind. One minute, we're just sitting on the couch laughing together and I'm thinking "This is great, I love this girl".

 

Then I'll remind myself that all this doubt comes from somewhere. I can't keep surpressing it forever, in the hopes it'll go away. My biggest concern at the moment is whether or not I can trust my own feelings.

 

Ok, I have doubts about our future together. That much I'm certain of.

 

That could mean either;

 

a) My girlfriend *isn't* the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, dispite the fact that I love her for a whole lot of really execellent reasons. Which would inturn mean that *something* was wrong with the relationship, even if I'm unable to fully understand it.

 

or

 

b) The doubt is just an inherent fear of commitment in general, which has *nothing* to do with my girlfriend at all and everything to do with me. I'm afraid of commiting to her, so I'm making excuses to try and end the relationship. Which would be insane, because I've got a great thing going for me here on the whole. Nothings' perfect, but you'd think it'd be enough...

 

Both seem to be perfectly good explinations. So which is it ... I run myself in circles day after day asking myself that same question.

 

Maybe I've overanalysed this and should take a break for a bit. Just push the whole thing out of my head and see how I feel again in 6 months. We're not unhappy together. It's not like she's a struggle to live with... maybe we both just need more time to learn how to commit to each other.

She's joked before that "there's only room in this relationship for one commitment phobe and that's me..", so maybe she just seems time to be certain herself.

 

*sigh*

 

Freakn' emotions. Drive me insane. Why can't things be simple.

[norajane]

Maybe I've overanalysed this and should take a break for a bit. Just push the whole thing out of my head and see how I feel again in 6 months. We're not unhappy together. It's not like she's a struggle to live with... maybe we both just need more time to learn how to commit to each other.

She's joked before that "there's only room in this relationship for one commitment phobe and that's me..", so maybe she just seems time to be certain herself.

 

*sigh*

 

Freakn' emotions. Drive me insane. Why can't things be simple.

 

Because humans are experts at complicating things!

 

If you think you and/or your gf are commitment phobes to some extent, Google it and do some reading. I think there are generally a few reasons people cite for their fears

 

- fear of losing your freedom

- fear of betrayal

- fear of failure

- fear of divorce (financial issues, kids, etc.)

 

There's probably a lot more. Maybe if you can explore what exactly is causing your fear, you can work through it.

 

I agree, though, it might be a good idea to step back from the problem for a while. Like I said earlier, you just moved in together, so that's probably causing some of your fears to rise to the surface. Making big decisions right now isn't necessary, nor is it probably wise. Let things settle for a little while and think about it again in a couple months.

[neowulf]

Thanks for the advice Norajane.

 

Well, things finally came to a head a few days ago and I layed out everything I've been thinking/feeling for the past 6 months to my g/f.

 

It was hard at first, but I managed to get all the doubts out of my head pretty clearly and discovered that yes, they are infact real problems which will need to be addressed for me to be "more certain" of my future with her.

 

Although upset (understandably) she was very open to the notion of working on things and trying to improve the areas of our relationship where I was unhappy.

 

It's tempting after these kinds of talks to feel relieved. To forget all the issues and think "wow, it's all fixed now", but I know deep down that we're actively going to have to *work* at the aspects which don't work in our relationship if we're going to make it for the long run.

 

I'm going to give us another 6-12 months of living together and see if we've managed to work things out.

 

Thanks again everyone for all the advice, thoughts and opinions. It's really helped get my head straight and sort out my feelings.

 

Hopefully one day (once I'm a bit more experienced), I can return the favour.