How did I know this would happen?

[chryssy83]

Tonight he called to ask if he can come see me next weekend "for a little bit" to talk. I asked what "for a little bit" means...and he said that he guessed it depends on how the talk goes. I took that to mean he might want to stay for the whole weekend if things "go well"?? Luckily, I was already going to be out of town on Friday and Saturday, so I said he can just come up on Sunday.

 

To figure out if I was busy, I had to check my calendar. He seemed disappointed that I was busy until Sunday, and I asked if he was busy that day. He said "no, I'm not busy...and I don't have to check a calendar to know whether I can see you that day." Well, then!

 

Question is...what do I do? He has a HUGE hole to dig out of, I'm not sure it's even possible. Has anyone here got any advice on what to do about spending a day with the ex under these circumstances?

[Guest]

Omg

 

Did Anyone Else Noticed Today?

 

It Was Like, Baby Day

 

Every Where I Walked - New Baby - I Swear I Saw 6 Today And Babies Just Make U Smile

[Guest]

"I want to hear from those of you who have THRIVED after the break up, it just may be the inspirition someone logged on may need. Thank you all!"

 

this is so weird - i was just talking with m and d about one hour ago about this very thing.

 

what i am dealing with is this - no-one gets it. it just flies over their heads. i have tried everything but nothing works. let me explain - when i talk about my exgf to some people they just get mad and tell me I MUST STOP THINKING THAT WAY BECAUSE U HAVE ALREADY LOST YER NINE LIVES - many people are worried. but i tell them, yes, true, but my actions are my fault and i can honestly say [and i do tell them] that when u balance out the good and the bad - the good outweights everything - and they say 'how'

 

and i say, because after 36 years i found someone that made me finally grow up. and i smile and they tell me to get the hell out of theri house!

 

lol

 

GAWD I HAVE TO FLIP AND FLOP BACK AND FORTH FROM M&D, AND MY PLACE - NOW I KNOW HOW MY EXGF FELT DOING THAT

[chryssy83]

So no one has any advice? I'm trying not to get my hopes up about getting back together or even about him coming at all...does anyone think he would come up here if he didn't want to get back together?

 

He's being so stupid...

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Hi Chryssy,

 

I'm not entirely sure of your history, so it doesn't give too much scope on giving advice on whether your ex wants to get back together.

 

From the limited information you've given, it sounds like signs are good, but then again, listening to how he "sounds" is different to what he actually wants - actions speak louder than words etc.

 

You also didnt mention whether you actually want to get back together?

[NineGirl]

Well first off... how did you guys end up breaking up?

other than that... giving ex's a 2nd chance doesn't ALWAYS end up going good..but not all the time.

 

don't worry about people in your past,there's a reason they didn't make it to your future!

[Nanachu]

As discussed in this forum, NC period is not only for your ex to reevaluate about you, but also for you to really think about what you want from your ex. So, please have a clear goal in your mind, what would you like to achieve. If your goal is not clear yet, I don't think that meeting with him could be a good idea. Would you really like to get back with him? In what condition, you can believe that this time is different from last time?

 

Also, I am sure your decision could be depending on his changes. So, you may want to simulate all patterns.

- If he is simply wanting to know how you are (no planning to get back)

- Even though he wants to get back, his comments/actions do not suggest that he is really clear about what he would to make your relationship work this time

- If you are convinced that he actually has changed

 

Also, can you handle if his intension is not what you wanted. During NC, I am sure you could heal your heart with baby steps. Meeting him may bring you back to day 1.

 

I am certainly not ready to meet my ex. Like most of us in this forum, a part of me still want him back badly. However, a part of me can predict the same ending if he simply comes back without really really figuring out what he wants from his relationship. If so, I certainly do not want to repeat my happy and all sudden sad days.

 

Good luck!

[insomnie]

hey chryssy,

 

i have read a lot of your posts and it really sounds like your ex still has VERY strong feeligns for you and is probably not ready to let go yet. That said, it also sounds like he is REALLY confused, maybe a little down on himself, and probably not quite in a position to be a good boyfriend to you either.

 

Honestly I think you too need to stop playing games and be honest. You need to put yourself in the mindset that he DOES NOT owe you anything. Don't get angry at the truth, just accept it as it is, while always putting faith in the fact that what is meant to happen will.

 

I think you guys really need to give each other space for a while, real space not interjected with phone calls. At least for a couple months. It'll give you a real perspective on the qualities about him you love and miss and the ones you would rather live without, and vice versa. Then you will have a clear way to make a decision, start afresh.

 

Boy I am drunk.

[chryssy83]

He calls every day. He keep saying that what we talk about on Sunday depends on what I have to say.

 

What should I take into account if he wants to get back together? I am in love with this guy, no doubt. But how do you begin to put things back together again after he hurts you? How do you know things will be different this time?

[Davis]

Chryssy: IMO, I would not meet him if I were you. He dumped you. He is only making vague suggestions about a conversation on Sunday. Is that a half-as* attempt to get you back? He should be begging and crawling to come back. I would stop taking his calls and clear your head. I took my ex back. It didn't work. It was awkward. She dumped me for another guy again. You will have nagging doubts about him. You will question if he will do it again. As the saying goes: "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". It is very likely he will do it again. Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm just trying to make you think so you don't emotionally rush back into something and get burned again. Good luck.

[chryssy83]

What do you mean by vague suggestions? He has been asking every day for two weeks if I was really going to meet with him (I only respond to about every third communication) and he's driving 4 hours so that we can talk. He says there is unfinished business between us. I am not necessarily assuming he wants to get back together...I'm trying to anticipate what I will do under any possible circumstances.

 

He wants to go to my favorite fancy restaurant and keeps saying that how the conversation goes depends completely on me. I'm not sure what begging would look like from such a distance, either. He's coming up on the first day I said I was available.

[Grrlish]

He calls every day. He keep saying that what we talk about on Sunday depends on what I have to say.

 

What should I take into account if he wants to get back together? I am in love with this guy, no doubt. But how do you begin to put things back together again after he hurts you? How do you know things will be different this time?

 

 

Chryssy, I've read a few of your older posts but I don't know what the cause of the break-up was or the details of the relationship history.

 

What I will tell you is that if he's the one pursuing an in-person conversation then he better be the one doing most of the talking, at least at first.

 

I just went through a hellish experience with my boyfriend. I love him but I was ready to let him go because his actions were extremely hurtful. I agreed to get together to talk about things but since he was the one who had initiated the distance and he was the one initiating the in-person conversation, I fully expected him to lead the conversation. He stepped up and he did so.

 

Certainly, how the conversation went forth was, in part, dependent on how I responded to what he had to say and to his inquiries but what the conversation was intended to be about should have been somewhat defined in his head before he set foot in my home. And it was.

 

One, is going to dinner the best way to go about having this conversation with your ex? My boyfriend had initially asked me to dinner to talk. I said no. I was honest and said that I'm certain that I would not have an appetite during a conversation like we would be having. To me, combining an intense emotional discussion with something like a date is defeating both purposes. It does not allow for concentrating on the conversation itself, which is the most important thing here, isn't it? It promotes some feeling of normalcy and encourages one or both parties to fall back into old behavior patterns.

 

Anyway, I could go on about why I, personally, think that having distractions like food and restaurant activity during an important conversation is not the best idea. I'm sure that not everyone thinks it's such a bad idea but that's my opinion.

 

Again, I don't know why he broke up with you but I'm rarely in the 'he should come crawling back' camp. Still, he should have a plan. You should not step in and 'take over' if it looks like he's showing up and expecting you to do all the work.

 

It's Sunday, so I'm assuming that you two are spending time together. Let us know how it goes.

[chryssy83]

Hey all-

 

We did end up meeting at a restaurant because we don't have anywhere truly private to meet. I would rather quietly discuss something in public than be in my apt. with my roommate who, for some reason, will never leave for us to spend time together. Restaurant seemed like a better option than my bedroom!

 

Anyway, he expected me to bring up serious stuff, but I didn't. So at the end of the evening he finally starts tiptoeing around things. When I never jumped in to put things back together, he eventually just got frustrated and said "well, I guess we aren't here for the same reason--this was a huge mistake."

 

We get in his car (to go back to my car) and I said that I didn't know why he was so upset. I said that I still didn't know exactly why he was here. He said he was hoping we could give it "another try." He said that he realizes now he made a huge mistake, but then calmed down suddenly. He pauses...and says "You seem happier now. Are you happier now?"

 

I said no. I'm not. He said I act happier, and I said that's because I made a choice not to cry every day anymore. I made a choice to be happy-ish. He said that I don't talk to him the same way anymore. I said he's the one who chose this, and that he's not the person I talk to about good/bad things anymore. That job is reserved for my SO. He said he wanted to have that job. I said that if he quit his real job, and then came back six weeks later asking to have it back...they would be more than hesitant. How do I know things will be different???

 

Things WILL be different he said. He was "more sure" now. But not sure enough to know he wants to marry me someday. I said I love him and I want to be with him but I don't know if things are different. I want proof. I want to be convinced. He said he could do that, I told him i doubt it because I can't think of how. He said he wants to.

 

It was late, we ended it there because of the drive.

 

I'm not sure he realizes I don't consider us to be back together, so I think I need to have a conversation with him tonight to clarify that.

 

What do you all think? Can things be put back together again?? I don't know what else I need to tell you to help you help me, but I'll give you more information if you tell me what you need to know...

[MaxFlirt]

I say give him the second chance. The worst that can happen is that the reasons for the break-up are re-affirmed. And that would be closure.

[D-Lish]

Your entitled to have proof that he has changed- That is why if you are going to give it another chance, I'd take things slowly.

 

I'm assuming it's a LDR? Is that going to change anytime soon?

 

Just take it slow- he can say he's changed all he wants, but his actions are what will make the difference.

[chryssy83]

Thanks guys...I think I was just looking for someone to give me permission to consider being back together.

 

This is an LDR, but I'm moving back this May. We lived in the same place for about a year and then I left for school. It's been three years since then and the distance is really draining. Not to say that it's a shining example, but if anyone ever wants LDR advice, I've got a lot-o-experience.

 

He's coming back here to see me this weekend. I guess we'll just see what happens. Any other thoughts are welcome...I don't know what else to say because I'm mentally exhausted from thinking about this all the time. Why is being in love the best AND worst thing in the whole world!?!?!