A Familiar Story (Long)

[loveratud]

I've spent nearly 8 hours pouring through the archives of this board, so I know this isn't a new story. But here it is anyway.

 

I'm a 21 year old male junior in college. I've never been in love before, never really thought it was for me. I've never had a relationship last more than 2 weeks. I've had sexual encounters with a relatively high amount of people.

 

I walked into a classroom on the first day of school (fall 2006), scanned the room for the group of the hottest girls (they tend to sit together) and spotted them. So I walked over, sat down and started talking. This girl, she didn't go for my usual crap. She didn't seem interested. There was a ton of worksheets to be done for this course, and we worked on them together for usually about 3 or 4 hours a week. I got the feeling she wasn't interested, so I decided we would just be friends. She's a very interesting person with a very interesting background. We started drinking after finishing our homework, and spending long hours outside on the porch just telling each other about our lives. One night she said she was too drunk to drive, so I told her she could sleep with me, as long as she didn't try any funny business.

 

Every night that week she slept with me. And gradually we moved closer until we cuddled at night. We went out to eat a few times, went to a huge country western bar some distance away. Then late one night she kissed me. Now keep in mind through our really long chats, we had bared our souls to one another. We know each others deepest secrets, about childhood, how many people we'd slept with, etc. So I couldn't handle it when she kissed me. I told her she was all I had (we had already bonded enough to tell each other that we loved one another,) and that I couldn't afford to lose her as a friend. I told her it's a bad idea to date your friends, because if you screw up you lose your friend and your partner. She argued that friendships make the best relationships. The next night we were kissing a lot, and holding each other. Then she said "Make love to me." I told her I couldn't do that. That I needed time, because I didn't see her in that way yet. Maybe my mind is unique, but I can easily designate someone "non-sexual" in my head, and that's what I'd done with her when we spoke as friends and trusted one another. The next night we did make love.

 

Since the first night she spent the night with me, we never spent a night apart except when one of us would go on vacation.

 

The relationship was fairy tale for the most part. We never fought, had frequent, great sex (we are both very experienced, and she says I'm the most amazing she's been with.) I brought her flowers just because, we went out with other people, went to parties, restaurants, etc. We told each other we loved one another several times a day. I sent text messages that said as much while she was at work. Things were wonderful. Easily the happiest time of my life.

 

The only thing that ever, ever caused any strife between us was the first time a condom broke. We went at 2 in the morning to get over the counter emergency contraception (Plan B.) For the next 2 days I wouldn't even cuddle up next to her bed. I felt scared of what could happen. She told me that she was going to spend the night at her house, since I didn't want to touch her anymore. I realized how stupid I was being and told explained my feelings to her. She understood, and everything was fine after that. We went back to having plenty of sex and intimacy.

 

Also, one time while we were throwing a party, an extremely flamboyant gay neighbor came, and while I don't remember the exact circumstances, I joked to her "Just watch out for me and the neighbor getting together." She didn't think this was funny. She was very upset over it, no matter how many times I told her I was just kidding.

 

Fast forward to the end of the semester, school is out. She leaves in one week for Mexico, where her missionary parents run a ranch. She will be gone for 3 weeks. She calls me to pick her up from a party I didn't want to go to. She's drunk. We come back to go to bed. She cries while she's falling asleep. This frightens and worries me. She often does this when she drinks too much.

 

The next day she gathers a lot of her things when she goes to her apartment to take a shower. She comes back some time later with tears in her eyes, saying we need to talk. She tells me that she kissed her ex at the party last night. I don't get angry at all. I tell her that a little kiss is not a big deal, that we're worth more than that. I knew from when we talked at the beginning of our relationship that she wasn't entirely over him. She said that she feels we need a break. I tell her that if that's what she wants, then that's perfectly fine. We agree to be on a break when she's gone in Mexico. We both tell each other that we love each other. I tell her everything will be ok, because we're not done yet.

 

I pack up my essentials and leave for my parents house immediately after she leaves my apartment. I go to a party with some people from that area, and then at about 11 at night she calls me crying, saying that she's sorry and she made a mistake. I tell her that it's ok, and ask her if she wants me to come back. I tell her I'll come right back, this very instant. She says yes, please come back.

 

I go back, we tell each other that we love one another and things are fine. We have a great week leading up to me taking her to the airport to leave for Mexico. She started taking the birth control pill 12 days before leaving for Mexico, because we both didn't want to have to worry about condoms and Plan B anymore.

 

She's gone for three weeks. Keeping in mind the promiscuous person that I am, it is extremely difficult to stay loyal to her while she's gone. But I do. She sends me messages on facebook almost every day, and we talk online about how much we love one another and miss one another.

 

I pick her up from the airport, things are great for a few days.

 

Thursday the 11th we throw a party with about 10 people. An hour into it she goes into my bedroom and shuts the door. I find her in there reading. She tells me she wants everyone to leave and she wants to go to bed. I tell her I don't want to kick everyone out when they've only been here for an hour. I return to the guests, and another hour later after I do get rid of everyone, find her asleep on the bed.

 

Then comes this nasty wintery weather, and we're trapped inside. This is last Saturday the 13th. She has a lot of reading to do, so I try to leave her alone, but she feels so distant. She doesn't look at me when I kiss her. I made her a wonderful lunch of fruit. The whole day just seemed tense because she felt so far away and indifferent. I felt like I was struggling to reach her, that I was trying really hard and it wasn't working. Towards the end of the day, she goes to leave for her shower and tells me that she's going to sleep at her place that night. She said she feels smothered, and just needs some space. I tell her that's perfectly fine, that I understand. She didn't gather any of her things, so I assumed it was the the cooped up nature of the day getting to her. I kiss her on the lips goodbye, and we tell each other that we love one another.

 

I immediately go to look up what exactly it means when a woman says she "needs space." I am dissappointed to find that this generally means they aren't feeling the feelings they once felt, and that the relationship has gotten stale. So I set about making a list of changes that I think we should make to the relationship to try to take it back to the way it was.

 

She calls me at approximately 11pm Saturday night, but I decide not to answer, figuring that she hasn't had time to think or enjoy her space.

 

Sunday morning I call her at about 10am to return her call. She says we need to talk, I tell her I'll come to her place.

 

When I get there, she's very withdrawn and resigned. She looks pale like she didn't sleep. I can tell by the steeled look on her face that she's been practicing what she's going to say, and I know that's not good. She tells me that she thinks we're in trouble. I say, "Do you still love me?" She says, "Of course I still love you." I say, "Are you still attracted to me?" She says, "yes, I'm so attracted to you." Then I say, "I feel the same way about you, so there's nothing that we can't work out." She replies "I'm not sure about that."

 

She proceeds to tell me that we need a separation. She tells me that she feels jealous of me being around any other people at all. And that because of my past she feels like she can't trust me around anyone at all. She tells me that Thursday she felt jealous seeing me around my friends.

 

Now let me just inject what my past is: Between the ages of 14 and 18, I thought I was gay. In retrospect, I really just wanted a group to fit in with and was probably a late bloomer. When I turned 18, I started to feel sexual attraction towards girls, and I swore off guys forever.

 

I tell her that I know exactly who I am, and what I want is her, and only her. That I love her more than anything in the world. She tells me that she met a gay man at a party in Mexico, and he insisted to her that no one ever really "changes." I pointed out that no one can know that that hasn't gone through it. I am a changed man, I know that.

 

She also expressed concern that I didn't get angry when she told me that she had kissed her ex. I explained to her that a single incident isn't worth getting angry and hurting one another fighting over.

 

She also said that she was incredibly worried when I didn't answer the night before, and she just knew that I was out with someone else.

 

I tell her about my ideas for keeping the relationship fresh, the dates and fun and stuff that had slightly declined since the beginning of the relationship. She says she'll need to think about it. She seems very distant and withdrawn. She says we should seperate. I say I don't like that term, does that mean we see other people? She says no, this isn't about seeing other people. I tell her to take as much time as she needs, and call me. I kiss her on the cheek. We tell each other that we love one another.

 

I carry on with my Sunday, which is boring without her. I write her an email:

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I just want you to know that I'm not confused at all. I know exactly what I want, and that's to be with you as long as I can. I have absolutely no interest in anyone other than you. I love you completely, and I would never, ever do anything to hurt you. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Remember early on in our relationship, when we would lay in bed and talk? Remember how we expressed our love for one another? I still feel that way. And I'm not willing to give up on us without a fight. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I can't have my heart broken a year ahead of schedule. I don't want to date other (university name) girls. I want you. And I know you want me too. I realize that what you're going through is hard to comprehend, but you have no reason to be jealous or worried. When I'm not with you, I'm thinking about being with you. I'm not thinking about other girls or guys. It's you. It's always been you. And it will be you for a long time to come.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I didn't realize it would worry you when I didn't answer last night. I promise I'll answer whenever you decide to call, from now on.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Love[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]xxxx[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

She calls me Monday afternoon (about 1:00) saying we need to talk, and she's coming over.

 

She tells me that she's confused, that she feels that she needs space, and that she doesn't think we feel the same way about one another anymore. She tells me that she still loves me, but she's not in love with me anymore. I'm instantly devastated. I'm not angry at all. I'm just trying to understand, what did I do? She tells me I did everything perfect, and that the sex was amazing, and she doesn't want to have to leave, but she feels like she must. She said her friends think she's making the wrong decision, because they all know what a great guy I am and how much I love her. But her best friend doesn't like me. She keeps telling her that I don't know who I am, as if I'm going to go gay again.

 

I asked a few questions but really I just didn't have much to say. I told her that I didn't think that this was over yet, that this isn't where it ends. And that when she changes her mind, I'll be here. There's no way to respond to someone saying, "I know you're in love with me, but I'm not in love with you anymore." So I just said, "Gather up your things and go please." I helped her gather them and then carried some down to her car. All I could muster was a weak "See ya" as I walked away. No hug, no kiss.

 

I went inside and just lay down in shock for a few hours. Then checked my email, and I see that she replied to it saying that she wanted to talk after class tonight. My heart leaped. I figured she must have changed her mind.

 

We both had a class that gets out at 9:45pm that night. So I wait around for a while. Finally at 10:30 I send her a text asking if she's coming. No response till 11, so I call her. No answer. She calls me back. I ask when she was coming, and tell her that I got her email. She explains to me that she sent that email earlier in the morning, then she realized that she had time to come by in the afternoon. My heart dipped. It was a timing mistake. She'd already said what she wanted to say. I was getting a reprieve.

 

I told her I'd been waiting for a while, and I wanted to talk to her. She was at her friend's house. She asked if it had to be tonight, and I said I would like that. So she came. And basically reiterated what she said before. That she didn't understand her feelings, that she missed me terribly and that every night she wants to call me crying to come back. Once again I didn't have much to say. She has more experience with relationships than me, and she said, "I know exactly what you're going through." The only time I got angry was then. I snapped back, "If you knew what it was like you wouldn't be doing it." I immediately apologized. Not too long after I told her I had nothing else to say. I said, "I still love you, and I will for a long long time. So when you figure things out, you know how to reach me." She tells me that I can call her, and I tell her, "I'll never call you." I give her a hug on the front step, tell her I love her and send her off. I was up late writing a note on facebook about all the things I thought I did wrong. That was the end of Monday night.

 

Tuesday nothing really happened. There were several replies to my note from friends who were worried about my heartbreak. I realized that I needed to delete that note and all it's comments because it was in poor taste to air our problems. I was depressed as hell. Dragged off to a party at a friend's house

 

Wednesday the big ice storm hit, and I was stuck at a friend's house. No one wanted to drive on the ice to take me back to my apartment, and I hadn't driven myself. I had gone to sleep there at 2am, some friends had dragged me there to drink with them to cheer me up. I woke up at 5am. I couldn't sleep. I paced the floor for 4 hours. Taxi's wouldn't even drive in the ice. So I set out and walked 3.5 miles in the 26 degree weather, snow and freezing rain. I figured the worst that could happen was that I would die, and that didn't seem so bad.

 

I got back to my apartment and tried to sleep but couldn't. Later Wednesday night I was hanging out with some friends at my apartment, drinking and playing video games and watching movies. I noticed that earlier in the day she had changed her main facebook picture to one of her and her sister, instead of me and her. At around 9pm, she changed her relationship status on facebook to "single." She had officially ended our relationship. I had discussed with her before that people are really broken up when they do it on facebook, because then it's public. And that's when I knew it was real. My stomach cramped into a knot, and I ran into the bathroom and threw up. I then started drinking heavily with my friends. Apparently at some point after they left, I sent her a text saying that I really wanted to see her, to hold her, even in a non-sexual way. She sent one back saying that she wanted to be friends when I was ready for it and wouldn't lash out in anger at her. Then she sent another that said "Can we talk about this tommorow? I'm at my Aunt's house in downtown (dallas)"

 

So on to the next day, Thursday. I vaguely remembe sending those text messages, and I already feel bad about them. I have some toast for breakfast, and throw it up. Later on I have some soup, and throw that up too. A carrot came out of my nose, and made it bleed. I tried a slice of pizza and threw that up as well. Everytime I think of the situation I throw up. I am literally starving, having eaten very very little since this all started. I start to worry that I may die if this continues.

 

Some friends take me out to lunch at about 2:00. I just get some hot tea. She calls me while I'm at lunch with them, and I bolt outside and answer the phone. She tries to chit-chat, and I ask what she wants, and she says she "just wanted to say hi." She also wants to know where I am and who I'm with. I tell her I'm not free to talk right now. She says, "Can you call me back later?" I tell her, "I told you I will never call you. You can call me back at 10 if you want to talk."

 

I have plenty of classes on Thursday. I just get back to my apartment, and she calls precisely when the clock hits 10. We talk for about 15 minutes. She tells me that it hurts her that I posted about how much I'm hurting on facebook. I apologized for the note that I had deleted (which she had seen, in the middle of the night hours that it was available. I told her that her friend Kristina was a good friend, just trying to support her decision. Then I tell her that my friend's don't support my decision to wait for her at all. They want to take me to a bar, get me drunk and get me laid. She coldly responds "Sounds like fun." I say back, "I don't want to be that guy again. I was him for a long time, but I've known something better now, being with you, and so I'm not going to a bar to get laid by some random girl." I then tell her that I hope she finds the answers and the space she's looking for, and that I'll be here waiting when she figures things out. I tell her, "Maybe it takes a few weeks, maybe a few months, maybe a year and it will be too late, but it's worth waiting for." She says that she can't advise that. She tells me she wants to be friends. I tell her, "I can't be your friend. I'm in love with you. It's hard enough to talk to you, to know you're less than a mile away and I can't be with you. To have you around me, but not have you as my own, I can't do it. This is an all or nothing kind of deal, I'm sorry." I tell her that I'm sorry for the text messages I sent the other night that might have confused her, and I deleted her number from my phone to keep from bothering her anymore. She says, "I know you can get my number again if you want it it, so you're just saying you deleted my number to hurt me." I tell her, "I don't want to hurt you. I just don't want to bother you. You said you need space." She says, "You're not bothering me." She said, "Don't you know this is hurting me too?" And I said, "Well you can end this pain for both of us." She replied, "No, I can't! How? My staying with you even though I'm miserable? That would make you miserable too, and then we'd just be miserable together." She started to say something else, but I simply said, "I love you," and hung up.

 

So that leads us up to right now. I didn't communicate with her at all on Friday. I went shopping, went to the gym, cleaned up my apartment, just generally started living again. I can keep food down again, though I've lost an unbelievable 15 lbs in the 5 days since the trouble started.

 

I didn't end the relationship on my facebook page. It still says "In a relationship" but it took her name away. I still have a picture of us up together on there. I wonder if I should change it to a picture of me?

 

I have an incredibly strong will. I can wait. I've managed to seal off all those feelings now (you get good at that, being a gay teenager.) I feel fine today. I'm not angry with her (through use of willpower and using suggestive thinking techniques on myself.)

 

Her best friend (the one who doesn't like me) sent me a message asking if I was ok, regarding the throwing up stuff that she saw on facebook. I told her that I was sick, I was heartsick, and told her that she was being a good friend, and that she also knows that I love this girl more than anything in the world. She wrote back telling me that this girl is really confused and doesn't know what she wants.

 

So, that's it. I can function day to day. I've never been happier than I was with her, and I want that back. I'm only going to be at this school for another year (actually a little less than a year now.) Somehow it seems incredibly noble to stay loyal to our relationship, even if she doesn't. I know it's generally not healthy to hang on. I'm hanging on, and I'm going incomunicado. From what I've read, leaving her alone is the best way to go. What about updating my status every day on facebook to say "xxxx is still in love with xxxxx" ? That way she knows I'm still thinking about her, and that I haven't moved on. Or am I better off updating my status with things I'm actually doing to keep busy, ie: "xxxx is watching a movie." "xxxx is at the store." Etc.

 

I know this is an incredibly long post, but thanks for reading it, and I'll try to appreciate all the advice.

[insomnie]

Anyway, it may seem counterintuitive, but the only way you can get her back is by moving on and, via limited contact (reduced to when she reaches out to you) and NO emotional outbursts, making that clear to her.

 

She has already made it clear to you that despite all your love, she is not willing to work on keeping the relationship with you. If she feels like she can lose you with this decision, you will force her decide whether to be with you or to be truly wihtout you. If she knows you'll be a safety net for her (by NOT having moved on), then there is no incentive at all for her to make any decision. She doens't have to do anything for your love. She can see other people, she can be unclear, inconsiderate, she can hurt you, and she still gets your love for free. Think about it. And remember that NO one likes doormatty people.

 

I think if you give her all the space she's asked for, and then some, she will come back to you. It sounds like you guys had a great relationship, and you obviously loved her a lot and treated her well. She'll remember that. I, as well as almost everyone else, both on LS and IRL (in real life...haha), have been on both ends of situations like yours. Usually, if you give them space to miss you, they come back. Usually, also, this isn't the end of the world, and no matter how things play out, everyone survives and finds happiness. It's easy to delude yourself that your situation is somehow different and warrents some other approach to getting back with her...but the truth is, she needs to miss you and to know that if she doens't want to be with you, she can't be. So, don't screw this part up. Lucky for you, it's pretty easy not to. Just don't call, text, make yourself available for her to see online, etc, and try not to stalk her.

 

Be strong. Don't contact her for a while...it is very likely she'll want you back soon enough, and on your terms. And if she doens't, you'll have moved on. I know that sounds horrible and also very hard right now, but it really is your only sensible option if you want a chance.

 

PS I think we go to the same school. Longhorn?

[RocketMan2]

What a beautiful, but sad story. It really hit home with me, I can relate to pretty much everything you said.

 

Personally I'd avoid the whole facebook thing.

People read far too much into the tinyest thing. I would say "dont update your facebook again for a while, in any way", but then she could read into that.... its just games at this point. Dont add to the drama by trying to make her think something. it WILL backfire.

 

Don't behave like a wuss. She KNOWS you love her, you only hope of getting her back is to remind her of what shes missing. Why would she want to take back a crying mess? She doesnt. Women want a strong man. Don't hide how you feel, but dont let it control you. I agree theres a fine line between acting strong, and acting like you dont care, so be careful you dont cross it.

 

You sound exactly in the same situation as me, she loves me, but doesnt feel in love. Shes confused as to what she wants, she thinks you think all kind of things which are just plain not true...

 

Oh man, i feel for you were in the same place.

 

Theres no convincing her while shes in this state. All you can hope to do is NC. I was of the view that if we love each other, why should we give up? She said the exact same thing as your ex, she loves me but doesnt feel in love!

 

Don't waste your own time trying to understand what the hell shes on about. You won't decipher it. All you'll do is drive yourself crazy.

 

Stay strong like insomnie said. Just give it time, stick to NC and see what happens. The sooner you start NC the sooner you'll feel better

 

Keep us updated

[notmakingsense]

Yeah -- what they said. Other than the fact that both of you are very young, I think you have a decent chance at getting back together with her.

 

I think she is using your past as an excuse for having mixed feelings in general -- so you need to think about how to best protect yourself as well. Just waiting perpetually is a risky approach becuase young-age + mixed-feelings = good chance that she needs to experience more people before committing to something long term.

 

I wouldn't go total no-contact, because you do still want her. However, I would continue not ever calling her first, and I would also not return calls/e-mails/texts right away. She needs to understand that you are now learning how to be happy without her.

[loveratud]

I have the opportunity to date other people. Should I do that? I feel like if I do, and I sleep with other people, that will destroy any chance of us ever being together again.

 

Though honestly, with the amount of hurt I've been through, I feel it will take a lot of work on her part to make me trust her with my feelings again. I've never felt like this for another person for a reason, I've been afraid to get hurt. So now I'm caught between a bunch of feelings that are all trying to beat me up, such as:

1) Since I didn't get a reason for any of this, I don't know what I did wrong, and what I can change. Therefore, any future relationship with another woman is destined to end up the same way.

2) I was a sucker for trusting another person that much.

3) I don't want to hate her, but when she gives me no reason for all of this, it makes me think of someone torturing a helpless animal. It seems cruel and uncalled for. I can feel myself starting to resent her for all of it, though I really don't want to.

 

So, should I start dating\sleeping with other people?

 

Also, I'm not a longhorn, but I'm related.

[notmakingsense]

You didn't do anything wrong, and she isn't giving you reasons becuase she is either confused herself, or she has lost feelings/feelings for someone else and she doesn't want to hurt you.

 

Just chill on the dating thing for a while. You aren't ready for more drama just yet. Focus on friends, hobbies, school for a few months then re-evaluate.

[loveratud]

I wouldn't go total no-contact, because you do still want her. However, I would continue not ever calling her first, and I would also not return calls/e-mails/texts right away. She needs to understand that you are now learning how to be happy without her.

 

I know I can live without her. I was so sure at first, because I was throwing up every time I ate, and I was starving. I lost 15lbs in 5 days.

 

But I can eat again now, and I'm going to the gym, reading, hanging out with my fraternity brothers (see, we're not all *******s,) and my friends.

 

And I know that I could pick up another girl tonight if I wanted to. But it's not the same. I lived more than 3 years, going from girl to girl, feeling nothing. And now I've seen something better, and I can't be AS happy without her.

 

It is tempting to go to a bar tonight with my neighbors, find some girls to drink with, bring them back here and party, because then I could post pictures of the whole night on facebook. Maybe that would jar her into realizing that she could really lose me.

[notmakingsense]

It is tempting to go to a bar tonight with my neighbors, find some girls to drink with, bring them back here and party, because then I could post pictures of the whole night on facebook. Maybe that would jar her into realizing that she could really lose me.

 

Nah -- come on, you are starting to grow up now and realize that it is so much better when you hook up with someone that you are really in to! Everyone needs to get laid, but don't do it for the wrong reasons, and especially don't do it just to be mean and get back at your ex.

 

You are in school, so partying and sex happen and it is great fun, just chill out for a little while first, and when you get back to it -- you will be over your ex and hanging with girls who you really see potential in.

[loveratud]

Nah -- come on, you are starting to grow up now and realize that it is so much better when you hook up with someone that you are really in to! Everyone needs to get laid, but don't do it for the wrong reasons, and especially don't do it just to be mean and get back at your ex.

 

You are in school, so partying and sex happen and it is great fun, just chill out for a little while first, and when you get back to it -- you will be over your ex and hanging with girls who you really see potential in.

 

The thing is, I don't have time to be really into anyone else. I have less than a year here. Her and I both knew that I would be going off to law school in a year. That often times led to her saying things like, "This isn't going anywhere," in reference to our relationship. I felt that it was worth being heart broken in a year when I left if I a year and a half worth of warm memories to keep me company at law school.

 

So even assuming I could start over with someone else, it would take me 4 or 5 months to be where I am now with her, and that's assuming they don't leave for the summer.

 

So I don't have time to fall in love again. I need this one to work.

[notmakingsense]

So I don't have time to fall in love again. I need this one to work.

 

You don't *need* this to work. I totally understand where you are coming from -- about going off to law school, but I still think you should stick to getting involved for longer term reasons. Long distance relationships are possible with the right person -- and for right now, she isn't that person.

[loveratud]

You don't *need* this to work. I totally understand where you are coming from -- about going off to law school, but I still think you should stick to getting involved for longer term reasons. Long distance relationships are possible with the right person -- and for right now, she isn't that person.

I don't believe in long distance relationships. I think they're a bad idea, and I think they very rarely work. One of my best friend's carried on a long distance relationship with a guy she loved for years in highschool. They saw each other mainly on holidays. I never saw two people so in love. Seeing them made me think love did exist. They went to the same college to be together, but after a week of being there together, they broke up, they'd become different people while seperated.

I never intended on carrying on a long distance relationship with my girl. We both understood that this was probably going to end in a year. That's why she said "Where is this going?" when referring to our relationship.

My neighbors and I rounded up some girls to come out to the bar with us tonight, so we'll see what happens.

[RocketMan2]

The thing is, I don't have time to be really into anyone else. I have less than a year here. Her and I both knew that I would be going off to law school in a year. That often times led to her saying things like, "This isn't going anywhere," in reference to our relationship. I felt that it was worth being heart broken in a year when I left if I a year and a half worth of warm memories to keep me company at law school.

 

Exactly the same with me mate. My ex will be going away, but not for a year and a half! Why cant we be happy until then, why end it now because it is going to end anyway? Who knows mate thats the answer. She has her reasons.

 

So even assuming I could start over with someone else, it would take me 4 or 5 months to be where I am now with her, and that's assuming they don't leave for the summer. So I don't have time to fall in love again. I need this one to work.

 

 

I can see where your coming from there, im kinda of the same perspective. I dont want to have to put all that effort in again to try and find Miss Right, i already had her and shes left. So whats the point if thats what shes gonna do to me in the end anyway? Well thats just a stupid way of thinking. Im still thinking it now, but i know its stupid. Meeting new people is fun! How much better are realtionships at the start? The butterflies, the anticipaiton, the nerves!

 

You've just got stuck into a routine like me. I slept (i dont mean sex, althought that did happen ) with my ex virtually every night. Now shes gone the bed is so empty. We used to sleep in a single bed to, and i found myself last night sleeping right on the edge like i used to, even though there was plenty of room next to me That really hurt when i found myself doing that.

 

Maybe im reading into this too much, but your post read to me like you miss having a gf rather than her?

[loveratud]

I've made my leap. I really had already done it yesterday before I wrote all that.

 

I did everything right, I know I did, she even said so. Her leaving is her mistake and her problem. If she wants to come back, she'll have to work to earn my trust again.

 

I just got back from the liquor store, getting the stuff to restock my apartments bar.

 

In a couple hours the neighbor and I are going to find some girls at a bar in Addison and I'll be back to my old self, like I never knew her.

[loveratud]

Mission accomplished. I do feel a lot like I did it out of anger or bitterness or something. It was extremely difficult to get into a sexual mood with someone other than her after all this time.

 

Obviously this doesn't mean I'm completely over her. But it's a step towards getting a working life back together.

 

I've gradually felt all my sadness over her leaving turn into anger and resentment that she would screw things up so badly. Even if she wants to come back, I don't know that I can take her back now.

[insomnie]

**** the pain away?

[loveratud]

**** the pain away?

 

I never decieved myself into believing I was a good person before her. I see no reason I should do as much now. The fact that I used another person for my own selfish means doesn't even seem to bother me. By my reckoning she had her fun too.

 

I mean jeez, I already told you people I'm going to law school.

[RocketMan2]

I think you need to treat people better.

[Am4Real]

If she knows you'll be a safety net for her (by NOT having moved on), then there is no incentive at all for her to make any decision. She doens't have to do anything for your love. She can see other people, she can be unclear, inconsiderate, she can hurt you, and she still gets your love for free. Think about it. And remember that NO one likes doormatty people.

 

 

 

Your advice comes with much truth and wisdom. Thank you for presenting this perspective.

 

Am4Real

[loveratud]

I think you need to treat people better.

I treated her perfectly fine. She didn't know any different.

 

This week I'm going on a date with someone who always wanted to date me before. I promise I'll treat her nice.

 

For the last 3 days in a row I've had these dreams reliving her breaking up with me. It wakes me up earlier than I should be awake, and then I have her on my mind and can't go back to sleep.

[Am4Real]

I treated her perfectly fine. She didn't know any different.

 

This week I'm going on a date with someone who always wanted to date me before. I promise I'll treat her nice.

 

For the last 3 days in a row I've had these dreams reliving her breaking up with me. It wakes me up earlier than I should be awake, and then I have her on my mind and can't go back to sleep.

 

Lovatud,

 

All of this is perfectly normal; it really is part of the grieving process. Trust me; it's healthy in many ways if you guide it correctly and by being part of this wonderful community of friends you are taking "some" of the best steps in achieving the satisfaction of being healed.

 

For me, losing a relationship whether it a be friend, lover, spouse or whatever is a LOSS. And unlike a tangible item it cannot be replaced in its exact form so we grieve much differently than if we were subject to having an item taken from us. We all go through this, are going through or some of the established and commitment members here who stay, have gone through this.

 

I've learned and continue to learn the process is not easy and there are so many physiological reasons for many of the actions that occur in the breakup phase. Do yourself the favor of not over analyzing all of them. But do create a journal whether it is with pen and paper or on your computer. Write yourself an honest letter, or keep those really close thoughts of yours in the journal, don't ever edit it but keep it flowing through the many weeks or months of healing. Return and read your journal from the start every few weeks, again, don't edit it but use the reading to see how things might be changing for you. In a way you are doing the same thing here in this forum and it's working -- right? Go even deeper with yourself. I can't tell you how good this works, but it REALLY REALLY does.

 

Good luck my friend. Everything will be all right for you in the future. Look forward to embracing it when it comes.

 

Am4Real

[loveratud]

I've had dreams about her every night for the last 4 nights now. Some of them sad dreams reliving the breakup, and some of them of happy times.

 

I've read back through 50 pages of posts in this forum. Staying up till 6am several nights in a row. I feel like I've learned a lot about why she left.

 

I found this quote in a yahoo answers post a few days ago:

"IN love" is that passionate, silly emotion when all you can think about is HIM....when being with him is more important than breathing.

 

"Love" is what happens after you've seen him with the flu, realized he can't find put his dirty clothes in the hamper, and really doesn't look that much like <insert hot actor name here>, after all.

 

People fall in and out of love all the time. It's totally natural. You're not going to be totally in love with someone every day of the relationship. The problem is that young girls suddenly feel that they are no longer "in love" and panick. They don't know how to handle their feelings and they quit the relationship.

 

I feel like I can convince her to try again armed with all the information I've gathered. But, on the other hand I know that she needs space, and I want to be strong and maintain NC. So I guess I just sit on my hands until she contacts me...

[insomnie]

I've had dreams about her every night for the last 4 nights now. Some of them sad dreams reliving the breakup, and some of them of happy times.

 

I've read back through 50 pages of posts in this forum. Staying up till 6am several nights in a row. I feel like I've learned a lot about why she left.

 

I found this quote in a yahoo answers post a few days ago:

 

 

People fall in and out of love all the time. It's totally natural. You're not going to be totally in love with someone every day of the relationship. The problem is that young girls suddenly feel that they are no longer "in love" and panick. They don't know how to handle their feelings and they quit the relationship.

 

I feel like I can convince her to try again armed with all the information I've gathered. But, on the other hand I know that she needs space, and I want to be strong and maintain NC. So I guess I just sit on my hands until she contacts me...

 

You cannot convince someone who left you that she wnats to make another honest attempt at making the relaitonship work. Furhtermore, you DEFINITELY can't convince someone that she feels a certain way about you, or that the way she feels is sufficient to continue the relationship. I believe that you are right in this case, and she is typically young and immature, but she needs to come to these conclusions herself. You cannot rationalize this to her, it just won't work.

 

Give her space for now. She WILL miss you. The way your relationship sounded, and the murky reasons she gave you for leaving, put you in a place perfectly poised for a second chance, given the right circumstances. These circumstances include a LOT of space for her to understand what happened in her head and heart and that she misses you, and a lot of space for you to stop being needy, clingy, and codependent, and perhaps to relize that she is NOT all that special, that you want her but if you can't have her it doesn't mean you lost all your chnces at love and should go back to objectifying women.

 

You'll be ok. I think it's good that you're doing so much reading because at least it's probably teaching you want and what not to do, but... try to live real life, too. Get your mind away from the relationship. I wouldn't try to fduck the pain away if I were you- usually that ends up more painful because it is a constant reminder of what you lost - but do try to engage in some fun activities in the meantime.

[Salicious Crumb]

I've spent nearly 8 hours pouring through the archives of this board, so I know this isn't a new story. But here it is anyway.

 

I'm a 21 year old male junior in college. I've never been in love before, never really thought it was for me. I've never had a relationship last more than 2 weeks. I've had sexual encounters with a relatively high amount of people.

 

I walked into a classroom on the first day of school (fall 2006), scanned the room for the group of the hottest girls (they tend to sit together) and spotted them.

 

In that long post, this 3rd paragraph summed it up for me.

 

There is your problem. scanning the room for the hottest girls...LOL.

Not just a hot girl...not just a cute girl or even decent looking....but you have to have the "hottest" eh?...LOL.

 

So because you picked someone for purely superficial reasons, are you surprised what happened?

[loveratud]

She contacted me last night. We had a long talk about everything. Basically it comes down to her feelings about herself. She can't stand to be alone because she doesn't like who she is. And she feels like when she spends all her time with me, she has no time to work on herself. Then she said, "I never said this is over forever. I just need time and I don't want you to wait around for me."

 

So of course, I plan to wait around for her. But that's ok. It'll hurt every day regardless of whether I wait or not, but at least this way, there's a chance that she's the light at the end of the tunnel.

[notmakingsense]

She contacted me last night. We had a long talk about everything. Basically it comes down to her feelings about herself. She can't stand to be alone because she doesn't like who she is. And she feels like when she spends all her time with me, she has no time to work on herself. Then she said, "I never said this is over forever. I just need time and I don't want you to wait around for me."

 

So of course, I plan to wait around for her. But that's ok. It'll hurt every day regardless of whether I wait or not, but at least this way, there's a chance that she's the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Why would you wait around for her after she told you not to?