A Familiar Story (Long)

[myhotrod123456789]

Why would you wait around for her after she told you not to?

 

my ex had told me a similar thing when i confronted her about waiting around while she is confused. it would be extremely selfish for an ex to say "i dont want to be with you right now, but please wait around for me". so there arent many other things an ex can say in this confused situation. i would still go out and meet other girls, but i dont necessarily think the ex wants you to move on.

[loveratud]

my ex had told me a similar thing when i confronted her about waiting around while she is confused. it would be extremely selfish for an ex to say "i dont want to be with you right now, but please wait around for me". so there arent many other things an ex can say in this confused situation. i would still go out and meet other girls, but i dont necessarily think the ex wants you to move on.

 

Exactly. She says that because she loves me. She wants me to be happy with someone else because she thinks she's too messed up for me to be happy with her. Of course, I love her more than anything, so I'll wait as long as it takes.

 

I do have dates with other girls this weekend, but I don't plan on them going anywhere. They're little more than a distraction.

[loveratud]

She seems to be trying to provoke me. Calling me self-centered, that I'm only acting this way because my pride is hurt, etc. She seems to want me to get angry.

I've just responded by saying I love her and I want to make her happy, and that I'm not angry.

[loveratud]

It's done. She basically said that if I really loved her, I would want to keep her in my life in any way I could. But I just don't feel that that's true. I do love her. More than anything in the world. But I know that to keep her in my life as just a friend would hurt me so much, every single day. I told her that I had to let go, that I had to move on, and that means that I can't communicate with her anymore. I told her that if she ever works as hard as I did to fix things, to make it work, then maybe she can prove to me that she's worth my love, but until then, it was goodbye.

 

She kept trying to talk to me, and I repeatedly said goodbye. Finally she gave up to. It hurts a lot. It hurts that she questioned that I really loved her. I won't contact her again. If there's anything stronger than my love for her, it's my pride, and in this action, I've pitted those two against one another.

 

I really wouldn't mind going to sleep and not waking up ever again.

[myhotrod123456789]

Those last two posts seem like quite a quick turnaround. Seems like she really got to you. For people in our situation where our ex still wants contact, there are really 2 sane options.

1) No contact

2) Limited contact

 

You adopted 1 and I think that is healthiest in the long run. I tried 1 and I couldn't keep it up when she contacted me. So I'm at 2, but its like an emotional roller coaster. 1 really makes more sense. Just writing this out is convincing me that I really shouldn't talk to her anymore.

[dropdeadlegs]

I'm glad that you called off all bets and stated that it is over between the two of you.

 

I say that because you said you were so in love, love, love with her, yet after a few days of throwing up, you were basically "over" it and sleeping with someone else. Yes, I understand that she "enjoyed it" too. So, what, a week after her leaving you're able to get physically involved with another? That is not love to me. Maybe lust, but not love. I think you may be drinking too much to form rational thoughts and execute good judgment.

 

You also stated that you will be leaving within a year, you won't consider a LDR, and you still wanted her to come back to you? For what? Another breakup?

 

This is ALL about YOUR EGO. You're the player and SHE left you. Isn't that YOUR position?

 

Grow up! Law school won't make you any more mature. It might make you more educated in law, but you have a lot to learn about relationships. There are plenty of girls looking for what you have to offer, an easy lay. Stay away from this girl and let her heal. A college campus is a pretty small world, you're in for a big shock once you join the real one.

 

To think that your original post had me thinking you were somebody....

[loveratud]

dropdeadlegs, your post gave me pause. I considered it. Yeah, it hurts when I finally settled down and gave my best to make a real relationship work, I got left. And without a real reason. That just makes me think it could happen again. Because I'm not good enough.

 

I already said before that I was not a good person before her, and I definitely won't be one after her. But I do love her. I offered to sacrifice my pride and ego on the alter of love, and that wasn't enough. She doesn't feel what I do. And if you would have told me a year ago that I would be feeling like this now, I never would have believed you. I never thought I could care this much about someone. To be physically ill over losing them. To have my confidence, and ego (which, as you correctly pointed out) destroyed. I never could have envisioned it.

 

In my defense, I never hurt anyone like this. I never lead anyone on. And I'm not saying she was leading me on, in fact this seems to be a result of her not wanting to lead me on. But I never would have done this to her. I never would have left her. I would never hurt her, even now. And I think the way I reacted to this breakup has hurt her. And I didn't mean to, I really didn't. But I wasn't prepared for it. I've never been through this. I didn't know what to do.

 

And it is so hard for me to turn my back on her when she says "if you love me you'll want to keep me in your life any way you can." But I know that if I stay around as just her friend, it'll just hurt both of us even more. So I cut her off. I can only hope that some day she'll change her mind.

 

I did take the advice to start keeping a journal. And it does make me feel a bit better. Every time I think or feel something about the relationship, I type it out in a log. And it seems to take those feelings out of me and put them on the page.

[loveratud]

I'm much, much better now. It just took a few nights out with my real friends to assure me that life does indeed go on. I met a new girl who's very cute, and is also just coming out of a relationship. Hers ended because the guy wasn't willing to get serious. We both like each other a lot.

 

I pride myself on being an intellectual, and it's shocking to see how I behaved over the course of the last few weeks. Admittedly, I've never been through anything like that before, so I didn't have any past experience to draw on. But still, I wish I could apologize to her for the way I acted. I know she still loves me, she just needs time to herself.

 

She always wanted me to go salsa dancing with her, and I never would, because I didn't know how, and I was too proud to look like a fool in public or in front of her. But next week I'm starting salsa lessons, so I'll have a few suprises for her when she comes back.

 

Anyway, thanks for all the advice, I'll still be a regular here. It's so hard to follow the advice given while you're in the middle of things though. Wish I would have done a better job of it.

[dropdeadlegs]

I'm much, much better now. It just took a few nights out with my real friends to assure me that life does indeed go on. I met a new girl who's very cute, and is also just coming out of a relationship. Hers ended because the guy wasn't willing to get serious. We both like each other a lot.

 

I pride myself on being an intellectual, and it's shocking to see how I behaved over the course of the last few weeks. Admittedly, I've never been through anything like that before, so I didn't have any past experience to draw on. But still, I wish I could apologize to her for the way I acted. I know she still loves me, she just needs time to herself.

 

She always wanted me to go salsa dancing with her, and I never would, because I didn't know how, and I was too proud to look like a fool in public or in front of her. But next week I'm starting salsa lessons, so I'll have a few suprises for her when she comes back.

 

Anyway, thanks for all the advice, I'll still be a regular here. It's so hard to follow the advice given while you're in the middle of things though. Wish I would have done a better job of it.

I've been meaning to get back to you because you took notice of what I said and actually acknowledged that at least part of it was true. But here we go again.

 

You confuse me. I'm still not clear about something in my previous post. You are going to law school soon, won't entertain a LDR, and still want her to come back to you. How will that work out to her benefit?

 

Now you have met a nice girl and you both like each other a lot. Her last boyfriend wouldn't commit long term, yet you seem to be wooing her. At the same time you are starting salsa lessons next week to get back your former girlfriend and surprise her. Doesn't the fact that you are trying to get your ex back conflict with the new girl and her needs for a commitment?

 

Now we're back to your ego, because that is what the above statements lead back to. How can you get your ex back thru dancing lessons and still give the new girl (who likes you a lot) what she is looking for when you can't commit long term yourself with law school looming in the nearly immediate future?

 

i am totally confused as to what the point of either girl is.

[loveratud]

I would do a long distance relationship with her. I would never have done so before, but for her, I would. I believe that in 3 years, or in 20 years, I'll still love her. She told me that she never envisioned us getting as serious as we did, and that scared her. I actually got too serious for her, apparently.

 

As for the other girl, I just see a kindred spirit in her. Her guy felt she was getting too serious and bugged out. We're in the same boat. She's very pretty, local and goes to the same school.

 

I have to face the reality that my ex might not come back. Or, it might take some time before she's ready to try things again.

 

I don't want to say I'm covering all my bases, but that's certainly how it looks.

 

I've also considered the rather heart wrenching possibility that I get serious with this new girl, only to have the ex come back. Putting me in the position of choosing my first love, and possibly hurting this new girl as badly as I've been hurt.

 

I've thought about that quite a bit, and I can't dismiss it as a possibility. But at the same time I can't just sit on my ass every night and listen to sad country music that reminds me of my ex.

 

I know, I know, go ahead and rend me again, for certainly I have a heart as black as coal and a tongue split like a serpents.

[dropdeadlegs]

I can't speak for your ex as she hasn't posted her to my knowledge. I have no idea as to her perspective of the relationship you have very clearly described. It was a beautiful story, your first post.

 

As for covering your bases, we all do that in many ways. I personally think it is better to choose one plan of attack and hold my ground, but to each his own. I can understand that being with someone seems better than being alone. I have practiced that line of thinking. Sometimes someone gets hurt.

 

I do not think your heart is black as coal, nor your tongue forked, I simply wanted to make you think. I wanted to make you acknowledge and consider the consequences of your actions and previous words.

 

I am, in all honesty, here to help people in any way I can. I am not perfect, nor have I behaved perfectly. I have learned from my mistakes in many ways, but probably not all.

 

It is far easier to read and interpret the situations of others than to live with ones own situations and act appropriately.

 

You are the only one who has to live with your choices and decisions so my opinions and advice are just that. Opinions and advice. There is a saying (attributed to AA members if I remember) that "you take what you can use and leave the rest."

[loveratud]

She's told me over and over now, and sworn up and down that the reason she can't be with me is because she needs to be alone. She says I did everything right, and treated her better than any man probably ever will. She said she's not comfortable with herself when she's alone, and that's why she goes from one relationship to another. She said she wasn't completely over her ex (I already knew this) and that it wasn't fair to me to have to deal with that. She said that she didn't think things would get as serious as they did with me. She also said that she didn't think things were over forever.

 

I don't really know what to make of it. Is that just an elaborate "it's not you, it's me" ? Or do these seem like legitimate feelings?

 

I think those may just be the reasons she came up with, when the real reason is what she told me initially, that she loves me, but isn't in love with me anymore.

[Am4Real]

As for covering your bases, we all do that in many ways. I personally think it is better to choose one plan of attack and hold my ground, but to each his own. I can understand that being with someone seems better than being alone. I have practiced that line of thinking. Sometimes someone gets hurt.

 

I do not think your heart is black as coal, nor your tongue forked, I simply wanted to make you think. I wanted to make you acknowledge and consider the consequences of your actions and previous words.

 

I am, in all honesty, here to help people in any way I can. I am not perfect, nor have I behaved perfectly. I have learned from my mistakes in many ways, but probably not all.

 

 

She said she wasn't completely over her ex (I already knew this) and that it wasn't fair to me to have to deal with that. She said that she didn't think things would get as serious as they did with me. She also said that she didn't think things were over forever.

 

I don't really know what to make of it. Is that just an elaborate "it's not you, it's me" ? Or do these seem like legitimate feelings?

 

Hello Loveratud,

 

I’ve been following the post here between you and dropdeadlegs since I gave you my advice a few days back about starting a journal. I’m glad you began to document your feelings on paper. However, dropdeadlegs (DDL) is absolutely right, you are fighting your ego more than anything and in that there are conflicting actions and some irrational thinking. To your defense this is to be expected, but if it continues you will be fighting within yourself for much time to come. DDL is helping you realize this and you are seemingly acknowledging it but I’m not sure you are willing to accept it (yet). Work hard my friend, work really hard at it.

 

Institute and stick with NO CONTACT. Remember its not a mental ploy to get your EX back, it is a means to for you to cope, recover and heal. Stop trying to figure things out – you cannot rationalize logic or history with the other person’s mind or their “feelings”. Want to learn from someone, learn from me. I’ve walked in your shoes to some extent, the confusion and the ego that is. If you care to read a “long” post all about it, read this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110077/ It won’t answer all of your questions but you’ll see how confusing another person’s words or actions can be. Trust me, you’ll never figure it out and only continue to either think or behave out of “your character” while on an unplanned course. So what me and I suppose DDL are telling you, set a course, be strong and stay focused. We are here to offer whatever support, encouragement and sometimes a little criticism (smiles) that we can.

 

Am4Real

[loveratud]

The conflict is that I still want to be with her, and I feel that given the time she asked for, she'll want to be with me too. So I haven't really let go, just gotten used to the situation as it stands.

 

Anyone familiar with the song "I Breathe in, I breathe out" ?

[loveratud]

I'm feeling like I'm probably the only one who did serious damage to the relationship because of how I reacted to her request for time and space alone. That's all she asked for. She told me she still loved me. But I basically freaked out, didn't know how to handle it. She said she wanted to stay in close touch, because I was her best friend and she needed to work through her problems with herself. I waffled on this issue, finally saying I couldn't be her friend, and that we shouldn't contact each other anymore. She said "you've said that before, you need to take some time and make a decision." I stubbornly responded "see if I contact you."

 

Now I'm at the point where I really want to apologize. I'm 2 weeks past ground zero and I'm feeling much more in control, but I feel like I layed so much guilt on her that she didn't deserve.

 

I'd like to grab a card, I'm sure I can find a suitable valentines day card now, and mail it to her (although she lives in the same apt complex, half a mile away.) In it I'd like to handwrite in the card:

I'd like to apologize for the way I reacted to your request for time and space. I've never dealt with anything like this before, and I lashed out, and laid a lot of guilt on you that you don't deserve.

We both know that we're each other's best friends, and that we love one another, and I had no right to talk to you the way I did. I hope you don't let my bad reactions jade your knowledge of how I truly feel. I understand that you need time alone, to work out whatever you need to work out. And while I still feel that we'll be together again someday, I can accept that this time apart doesn't mean that won't happen.

I'm here for you if you need me.

I miss you terribly, and love you always,

-Jeff

[loveratud]

I picked up a nice card. It says "I wish I were holding you in more than just my heart" on the front, then says "i miss you" inside. I'll write my message inside and send it her way later.

[upsetnhurt]

loveratud,

 

Don't send the card as she already knows how you feel. Your actions subsequent to her request for time and space were normal for anyone who has strong feelings for another. You were hurt and deep down she knows that her decision making process has significantly set you back. I get the sense that you still believe that you can woo her back with nice gestures. It did not work while with her and it won't work now. She has let you know that she has excess baggage that needs to be cleansed prior to her being able to give fully to another. Let he be to fully deal with those issues and stop clouded her head with any more cards, etc. Be the smarter of the two here and do what's best for both of you, which is no contact all the way. If you truley loved her the way you say you did, you should have no problem with this as you want the best for her and ultimately you too. Who knows what will happen in the future yet if she comes back to you and you are still ready to be with her, then you will know she is back for the right reasons.

 

The hard part I see is that in this process there is no doubt in my mind that she will be in contact with her ex. Obviously she feels that there is some unfinished business there and that it requires her to figure out if he is the one she should be with. That in itself would deter me from contacting her......I would constantly think that she is with him at any time I am spilling my heart to her. Don't you feel that way? Wouldn't you feel second best?

 

BTW, you say that you would never hurt someone like she did to you.....yet then you openly admit that in your current state you know you can hurt the new girl who really likes you????? You rationalize it by saying it is better to have companionship than to wallow at home listening to sad music..........you need to look real hard at yourself and realize that what you might do with this new girl is exactly what your ex has done with you........so you should not find so much fault with her actions, right?

[loveratud]

She said that when she really loved someone that broke up with her in the past, she wanted to keep them in her life any way she could, even as friends.

 

That kind of cut me.

 

Plus I feel like the last exchange between us may prevent her from contacting me in the future.

[Am4Real]

loveratud,

 

Don't send the card as she already knows how you feel. Your actions subsequent to her request for time and space were normal for anyone who has strong feelings for another. You were hurt and deep down she knows that her decision making process has significantly set you back. I get the sense that you still believe that you can woo her back with nice gestures. It did not work while with her and it won't work now. She has let you know that she has excess baggage that needs to be cleansed prior to her being able to give fully to another. Let he be to fully deal with those issues and stop clouded her head with any more cards, etc. Be the smarter of the two here and do what's best for both of you, which is no contact all the way. If you truley loved her the way you say you did, you should have no problem with this as you want the best for her and ultimately you too. Who knows what will happen in the future yet if she comes back to you and you are still ready to be with her, then you will know she is back for the right reasons.

 

The hard part I see is that in this process there is no doubt in my mind that she will be in contact with her ex. Obviously she feels that there is some unfinished business there and that it requires her to figure out if he is the one she should be with. That in itself would deter me from contacting her......I would constantly think that she is with him at any time I am spilling my heart to her. Don't you feel that way? Wouldn't you feel second best?

 

BTW, you say that you would never hurt someone like she did to you.....yet then you openly admit that in your current state you know you can hurt the new girl who really likes you????? You rationalize it by saying it is better to have companionship than to wallow at home listening to sad music..........you need to look real hard at yourself and realize that what you might do with this new girl is exactly what your ex has done with you........so you should not find so much fault with her actions, right?

 

Obvious to me your advice comes with much wisdom. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.

[Number5]

I've been on the rollercoaster now for a couple of weeks, but I keep getting glimmers of hope when I think "Hey, I just have to move past this and be happy." My own story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110819/

 

That's really the only advice I can give. Wondering what if? Or planning out elaborate schemes to get an ex back will almost always end up in more pain. A clean break heals best. If she were to come back to you tomorrow, the relationship would just be part of your rollercoaster and would probably end. For you guys to truly get back to each other, it has to happen after all this blows over, thats the only healthy way I can think of to have a new beginning.

[loveratud]

I have a couple dates this weekend with 2 girls that I really like a lot.

 

I struggled with myself over this. I feel like I'm betraying my relationship with her. A friend told me that if I really loved her, I wouldn't be able to move on so fast.

 

Then I approached it the way my friend Tara would: simply. And the simple truth is that I still love her, and I probably always will. But if we're meant to be, then we'll be together, and nothing can change that. So going out on a few dates, having fun, getting my mind off of things isn't going to ruin anything. And it'll make me feel a lot better.

[loveratud]

So I went out with a bunch of guys tonight for dinner. Afterwards 4 of us went to this stand up gig on campus. I had marked myself as "attending" a week ago on facebook, for all to see. When I get there, she's there, with some aquaintances of hers. She looked good. Really, really good. She was playing tetris on her phone (something she does when she's bored) the whole time. I wanted to stride over there and tell her I needed a word with her. Take her outside and tell her all the things I wanted to write in that card (read above.) But I didn't. It was so hard, having her 10 feet away, but miles out of my reach.

 

I totally ignored her. No eye contact, no looking her way, nothing. It still just made me feel like crap. I went to a bar after that with about 20 of my friends. Had a drink. Just kind of sank. Realized that this sort of thing didn't take my mind off of her, it just made me wish she was there with me.

 

So I decided to take action and called up an old friend of mine, Kandy. She said she was free so I headed to her place. She's a very attractive girl. Yet somehow, all of a sudden, I found myself riddled with various, erm, dysfunctions. As if my emotions wouldn't let my brain call the shots. It was extremely frustrating for both of us. She was pretty understanding about the whole situation, and tried to cuddle up to go to sleep.

 

Now I haven't been able to sleep without sleep aids for over 2 weeks (when she left.) I just can't stand to sleep alone now, after spending 5 months, every night with her. And yet, having someone else there didn't make it better. I still couldn't sleep. And I felt bad. Really bad. So I had to get up and scurry away.

 

And so here I sit, back at my apartment, stumped. I can't have the girl I want, but apparently I can't move on either. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

[notmakingsense]

Its too early for you to try to move on with other women, and moving on is being hampered by the fact that you are still seeing her at events.

 

You need to avoid all contact, which includes running in to her. You also need to spend time with just your friends, family, etc., to get to a point where you are happy enough to be single, and alone at night. Don't attempt serious relations with women until you've gotten to that point.

 

Good luck!

[Am4Real]

Its too early for you to try to move on with other women, and moving on is being hampered by the fact that you are still seeing her at events.

 

You need to avoid all contact, which includes running in to her. You also need to spend time with just your friends, family, etc., to get to a point where you are happy enough to be single, and alone at night. Don't attempt serious relations with women until you've gotten to that point.

 

Good luck!

 

You are exactly correct. I'm not sure loveratud is ready yet to accept that (we've all been there when we are honest with ourselves) and hopefully this reinforcement will help him on his way. Acceptance does take time, it's unnatural, it sometimes needs cognizant reinforcement.

 

Your advice is excellent.

[loveratud]

Its too early for you to try to move on with other women, and moving on is being hampered by the fact that you are still seeing her at events.

 

You need to avoid all contact, which includes running in to her. You also need to spend time with just your friends, family, etc., to get to a point where you are happy enough to be single, and alone at night. Don't attempt serious relations with women until you've gotten to that point.

 

Good luck!

 

I wasn't trying to see her at that event. I saw that it was coming up weeks ago, and signed onto the "attending" list. When I went with her last semester, she didn't like it, wanted to leave the whole time, and played tetris on her phone all along. She was still playing tetris on her phone last night. I had no reason to expect her to be there. I went with my neighbor, a rushee and a fraternity brother as part of a night of hanging out.

 

Last night just made me realize that I should be waiting for her. She's the one for me. And if I have to wait away from her and give her the space and time she asked for, so be it. It'll be hard, and it'll hurt every day, but it'll be worth it in the end. I love her, and I always will.