ratingsguy Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 I'm really beginning to get the impression that my xMW is wanting to make a break, but "remain friends". Take that for what it's worth. It's still early, so I'm not entirely sure, but she tells me she'll call and doesn't call. She told me a few days ago that she wanted to get together, but haven't heard anything as of yet. I know she's enjoying her freedom because she told me that she's on a dating website and going out with her friends. I don't know... in a last few days I feel like I've uncerimoniously been kicked to the curb. What a difference a month makes. For the first time last night, I actually got very angry about my situation and felt very angry towards her. I have it in my head that I'm going NC for at least a week, and then I'll reasess where I am at that point. One urge I've been having in the last few days is telling my xMW's H about our A. I think my main motivation is remorse, and I truly do feel badly for the guy. He wasn't abusive or a poor provider or anything like that. He just didn't offer the emotional connection that his wife needed so badly. Now that I see that my xMW is distancing herself from me, I'm starting to understand what he's gone through. She hasn't been direct with me about wanting to see other people without some prodding, and essentially (even though she told her husband she wanted out of the M over a year ago) she did the same thing to him by cheating on him. Part of me does truly feel bad, and I would like the opportunity to apologize to him even though he knows nothing about me and her, and doesn't even know who I am... and I've never met him either. I've already typed up a letter and could deliver it if I wanted to. I understand why this could be devastating for so many people, not only him, so I'm sitting on this for a while. I don't think I'll do it, but part of me really wants to come clean and spill the beans. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 Hmm... are you sure about your motivation for sending this, and ok with all the fallout that could result..? Is it maybe a way of getting back at her or putting distance between you two... making it unlikely you will ever be together..? If so, aren't there other ways of doing that without heaping more hurt on her stbxH..? Does he really need to know that she was having an affair on top of everything else..? They're divorcing now and he has enough to deal with. I don't know, that's just my way of looking at it. I don't know. I wouldn't do anything at the moment if I were you... Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 Ratingsguy, Think this through. Would you feel compelled to send the letter to her husband if she was fully and completely attentive to you? If things hadn't taken this unexpected spin since her separation, would you still feel like fessing all to him? Please assess your motivations. If, in fact, your motivation is to "come clean", understand that to HER, it is going to look like sour grapes..... I would not send the letter. But that is just my humble opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 She's obviously moving on. Accept it like a man and stop trying to justify hurting another person over this. He's going to be her EX soon. What possible good could come from you telling him abuot the affair? I don't buy the "remorse" bit. If she really wanted to be with you, your so-called remorse would go flying out the window. I agree with Frannie. I seriously question your motivation for doing such a thing. And you'll only confirm her decision to not continue with you if you send such a letter. Why not move on with some dignity? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ratingsguy Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 You guys are probably right considering how I'm only as of last night beginning to feel anger about this whole thing. Like I said, I don't think it will accomplish anything, but part of me wants to do it. Perhaps it is revenge. But for now, I plan to do nothing. In any event, I really do feel remorse for the STBXH. Nobody wants to go through a divorce, especially after 22 years of marriage. I don't know how to explain it better than that, but I do feel bad for the guy. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 You have every right to feel anger, hurt and frustrated, but don't talk to her ex. Glad to read just now that you're not going to go talk to him. Keep real busy and maybe join a gym that has punchingbags. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ratingsguy Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 Keep real busy and maybe join a gym that has punchingbags. Thanks for the laugh, I needed that! Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 Keep writing the letters, then once you've finished - destroy them. Her H has been through so much and exposing his W (soon to be ex) to be a cheater is just going to add to his misery and bring far-reaching ramifications to you. Your MW isn't really going to suffer from the revenge you think of wreaking. She has left her H now and it sounds like she isn't going to return. It could be a case of if her husband finds out - que se ra - he's out of her life now. By writing the letters you are cleansing yourself, getting over what this woman has done to you. Write down all of your false hopes, how angry you feel, the revenge you would like to take - get it all out of your system during your NC week. Then destroy them. It's a cathartic experience and one that you sound like you may need for your troubled times ahead. Good luck x Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 You guys are probably right considering how I'm only as of last night beginning to feel anger about this whole thing. Like I said, I don't think it will accomplish anything, but part of me wants to do it. Perhaps it is revenge. But for now, I plan to do nothing. In any event, I really do feel remorse for the STBXH. Nobody wants to go through a divorce, especially after 22 years of marriage. I don't know how to explain it better than that, but I do feel bad for the guy. In your state where you live, would it help her husband in court if these things were revealed? So he could gather evidence to help out himself, so he don't pay through the nose. That would be a very good reason to tell her husband about the affair, just don't do it in person, he may kill ya. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 ratingsguy, I'm SO sorry to hear how hurt your are. I agree with most of the others here. Telling her H, while it might sound like the honest thing to do, would likely just cause him more pain than he is already experiencing. If you're feeling guilty, then talk it out here on LS, write letters (and don't send them), or see a therapist to deal with your emotions. I'm sorry to hear your MW isn't acting like a mature woman right now. Please keep in mind that her world has changed drastically too. I agree that NC is the way to go. For me, NC is terribly painful, but at least I don't need to worry (as much) about why my OM isn't contacting me and he doesn't need to worry about why I'm not contacting him. Once your MW is able to stand on her own and has had time to greive her loss (yes, even if you're the one leaving you still have to grieve), she may return to you. When that does or doesn't happen, maybe you'll take her back or maybe you'll already have moved on. Keep in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ratingsguy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 Hi everyone, I'm starting to have the feelings again that I want to spill the beans to the xH. I think my main motivation is revenge due to the hurt and pain that my xMW has caused me. Why shouldn't she hurt, too? I know you guys are going to try and talk me off the ledge, but is there anyone who DOES think this is a good idea? Anyone at all? And are there any legal ramifications against me for doing so? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Don't do it. The few moments of revenge you'll feel that will make her feel bad isn't worth hurting him more than he already is. That and who knows if he takes her for a ride in court. And their kids...Don't forget the affect it will have on them. You best revenge is to tell her goodbye and NEVER to call you again. Tell her how hurt you are, how disappointed you are in her - That you feel used by her and that YOU are TOO good for her. Then, go silent..........Go NC again. For good. You'll regret telling as soon as you say it to him, so don't. Link to post Share on other sites
NearlyThere Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Hi everyone, I'm starting to have the feelings again that I want to spill the beans to the xH. I think my main motivation is revenge due to the hurt and pain that my xMW has caused me. Why shouldn't she hurt, too? I know you guys are going to try and talk me off the ledge, but is there anyone who DOES think this is a good idea? Anyone at all? And are there any legal ramifications against me for doing so? Hi ratingsguy I have followed your story on here and I feel for you I really do. I can see why you feel like doing this, ie telling him, however I really think you should think again. At this moment in time you really dont know 100% what is going on in her head, there is just the very very slightest opportunity that she might still decide that she wants to be with you. Yes it is a possiblity even if it is slight, and surely if you were to tell that her xH that really might burn your chance to be with her, especially if it was to go on and have an impact on her relationship with her children. JIMO. However people on here have done so, gone ahead and told. Kymerann did, however she says in her thread that once she did this that she knew it was over for good and she did it to stop her falling back into a R with him again. I have not seen her on here for a while, but here is a link to her thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t105535/ If I was you I would keep schtum and just lick your wounds for a while and then try to move on. I'm sure we are all here for you, take care of yourself. NT Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 ratingsguy, I agree with everyone else on here. You're certainly entitled to feel terrible about what your xMW is doing to you, but telling her xH is likely to cause him more pain than anyone else, and he is probably in enough pain right now. If you want revenge, telling xMW what you really think of her and ending things for good might help you feel a wee bit better. Try writing her a letter to get out all of your feelings. I hope you feel better soon. I'll be thinking of you. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I know you guys are going to try and talk me off the ledge, Actually, some of us have already burned up our keyboards trying just that. Go back and reread all of your threads and all the concerned feedback you were already given. Never, ever does much good here on the good ol' Dysfunction Junction … but we suckers for a quick rescue continue to try anyway. Nope. No heroes here, just a bunch of Don Quixote(s) chasing after windmills. But one LAST time just for heck of it: RatingsGuy … you have stubbornly tied yourself to the tracks of the Stupid Train, and that big bright light heading your way isn't the entrance to Paradise. Choo Choo! Let us know if we actually managed to break through to you this time. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Actually, some of us have already burned up our keyboards trying just that. Go back and reread all of your threads and all the concerned feedback you were already given. Never, ever does much good here on the good ol' Dysfunction Junction … but we suckers for a quick rescue continue to try anyway. Nope. No heroes here, just a bunch of Don Quixote(s) chasing after windmills. But one LAST time just for heck of it: RatingsGuy … you have stubbornly tied yourself to the tracks of the Stupid Train, and that big bright light heading your way isn't the entrance to Paradise. Choo Choo! Let us know if we actually managed to break through to you this time. You know, I don't see how this is helpful at all...RG is here for help, not to be ridiculed and told, "I told you so"...if you feel like you can't offer help, you probably shouldn't respond... Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 You know, I don't see how this is helpful at all...RG is here for help, not to be ridiculed and told, "I told you so"...if you feel like you can't offer help, you probably shouldn't respond... I mean no disrespect but I really have a problem when people try to censor other people. YOU may not see it as helpful advice but I disagree. I didn't find anything about that post to be offensive. I did not see a tone of ridicule. I saw "tough love" and telling it like it is. I myself thought it will help the OP to hear that. And yes, I agree with everyone else, OP. You'd be doing yourself more harm than good to tell the ex about your little affair. And you'd be making yourself look really bad in his eyes AND in hers. Your chances with her would be over for sure...although I think they're already over but you haven't accepted that fact yet. You need to accept that she used you and she's through with you now. The chances of you two getting together and making something of this are virtually nil I would venture to guess. Stop beating yourself up. We all make mistakes. And this was one...a real doozy too. But you can get over it if you stop obsessing about her and telling the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 You know, I don't see how this is helpful at all...RG is here for help, not to be ridiculed and told, "I told you so"...if you feel like you can't offer help, you probably shouldn't respond... I think E was being lighthearted about it, dont' think that was meant cruely... Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Well I could see why some people would be offended by tough love.. I mean there are all different kinds of degrees of the stuff. No on wants to censor, you know but did you go back and read some of the stuff.. "Stupid Train" "WOO WOO" I mean in a good frame of mind with a little sense of humor ok... I could see how this is funny, it could also be taken to heart... so just sayin. Link to post Share on other sites
puddleofmud Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 RG: you won't do it because you are just too dad-gum decent and considerate! Any one would have had the same "idle" thought but you are YOU and you are not self-serving nor wish to hurt another. Had you been you would never have posted your thoughts about this--you would have just done it and not given a flying 'eff what anyone thought about it. I have heard the saying that "good guys finish last". That's BS because good guys come in FIRST without trying because they aren't running in the "needy-greedy" race with all the "needy greedy" people who feel that just by "finishing" one is bettered. You are the kinda guy that was "OK" to start with! You just got caught up in a difficult situation. That said, why bother exhausting yourself any longer over your illusive, nearly, EX, maybe will come back or not's husband? Your plate is full--his may be gi-normous, considering the length of marriage. Neither needs more heaping helpings of drama/trauma. If you truly feel sorry for him and give that in sincere prayer and let it go... Take care of your darling self! Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 "Stupid Train" "WOO WOO" I mean in a good frame of mind with a little sense of humor ok... I could see how this is funny, it could also be taken to heart... so just sayin. Thanks P, that was exactly my point...when you are feeling heartbroken that's the last thing you need to see... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 "Stupid Train" "WOO WOO" I mean in a good frame of mind with a little sense of humor ok... I could see how this is funny, it could also be taken to heart... so just sayin. LOL remember, you're talking about RG who is a GUY. And most guys don't get too offended that easily........Atleast the ones on LS so far. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 LOL remember, you're talking about RG who is a GUY. And most guys don't get too offended that easily........Atleast the ones on LS so far. When you love someone and they break your heart, it really doesn't matter if you're a female or male... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 RG: you won't do it because you are just too dad-gum decent and considerate! Any one would have had the same "idle" thought but you are YOU and you are not self-serving nor wish to hurt another. Had you been you would never have posted your thoughts about this--you would have just done it and not given a flying 'eff what anyone thought about it. I have heard the saying that "good guys finish last". That's BS because good guys come in FIRST without trying because they aren't running in the "needy-greedy" race with all the "needy greedy" people who feel that just by "finishing" one is bettered. You are the kinda guy that was "OK" to start with! You just got caught up in a difficult situation. That said, why bother exhausting yourself any longer over your illusive, nearly, EX, maybe will come back or not's husband? Your plate is full--his may be gi-normous, considering the length of marriage. Neither needs more heaping helpings of drama/trauma. If you truly feel sorry for him and give that in sincere prayer and let it go... Take care of your darling self! Great post, beautifully said. RG: She's the one you're angry with. She's the one you want to punish, so don't try do it through her husband. If you have something to say, say it to her. You have the right to confront her face to face - you don't have to hold back. You can ask for an apology, you can ask her to acknowledge that she's treated you shabbily, you can show her the pain she's caused you. If you don't tell her how upset you are, it may harder for you to let this go. Make her face it, what she did to you, how she treated you. Get it out of your system. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I know that GEL, but what I meant was, I think that RG isn't going to take what E said the wrong way and get upset about it. He originally asked people to give him kick from the edge, so that's what some have done. Sure, some harsher than others, but by using the smiley features here, it comes off as caring not cruel or mean. That is what you gotta remember, and if E didn't care, there wouldn't be a reply at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts