Contemplating telling my xMW's H

[Salicious Crumb]

How did you find out about your wife? What are you planning on doing?

 

How did I find out? An old friend of hers that she jilted before she left town came back to town last year and spilled the beans when I saw her in the local grocery store.

 

What am I planning on doing? Well..since I found out a few years and 2 kids after the fact, I am trying to do the right thing by my kids even though it wasn't me that brought this on.

 

She did this when we were engaged, and I only suspect she did it before our first child was born. But I didn't think much of it until her old friend told me what had happened.

 

So needless to say, my wife no longer goes out clubbing or to bars with her friends....she f#cked that up.

 

Will we divorce? Who knows. I always gave her time with her friends and I was happy to watch our boys while she went out and had fun.

 

But now, if she does anything I don't much approve of...she can pack her bags.

[whichwayisup]

SC, you two ever go to marriage counselling? Find out why she did it, and has she shown you not only in words, but in actions, that's she's truely sorry and regrets it?

[Salicious Crumb]

SC, you two ever go to marriage counselling?

 

nope...what are they going to tell me?..."get over it"?

 

 

Find out why she did it

 

Why do I care "why" she did it? It doesn't matter why she did it..what matters is that she DID in fact do it.

This is one reason I don't believe in counseling. I have heard so many stories of hack counselors trying to get the betrayed spouse to "understand" why the cheater did what they did.

So basically the betrayed spouse is expected to cater to everything the cheater wants just to keep them from cheating?

I am a faithful guy and treated her like a queen. And I never neglected her. As a matter of fact, it was the complete opposite. I couldn't get enough of my wife.

Even if there was neglect, its no excuse. If neglect was an excuse and justification, I'd have slept with 100 women by now.

 

And if all the people that knew she did this before we got married would have told me, I would have called off the wedding.

 

and has she shown you not only in words, but in actions, that's she's truely sorry and regrets it?

 

Cheaters are only truly sorry when they get caught.

[Sup]

nope...what are they going to tell me?..."get over it"?

 

 

 

 

Why do I care "why" she did it? It doesn't matter why she did it..what matters is that she DID in fact do it.

This is one reason I don't believe in counseling. I have heard so many stories of hack counselors trying to get the betrayed spouse to "understand" why the cheater did what they did.

So basically the betrayed spouse is expected to cater to everything the cheater wants just to keep them from cheating?

I am a faithful guy and treated her like a queen. And I never neglected her. As a matter of fact, it was the complete opposite. I couldn't get enough of my wife.

Even if there was neglect, its no excuse. If neglect was an excuse and justification, I'd have slept with 100 women by now.

 

And if all the people that knew she did this before we got married would have told me, I would have called off the wedding.

 

 

 

Cheaters are only truly sorry when they get caught.

 

 

From what I have heard, AMEN to that. By the way, have you got your kids DNA tested yet, I KNOW you musta thought it by now, and if they aren't, you can sue your wife in Divorce court for fraud. But check with a Lawyer first on that.

[Salicious Crumb]

From what I have heard, AMEN to that. By the way, have you got your kids DNA tested yet, I KNOW you musta thought it by now, and if they aren't, you can sue your wife in Divorce court for fraud. But check with a Lawyer first on that.

 

You know, I did think about that. I am 100% sure my 2 year old is mine.

My older son...well, I can't be completely sure, but I do believe he is mine. He is a spitting image of me.

 

Besides...I almost don't want to know...I am afraid of what I would do if I found out one or both of them weren't mine. I'm not a violent person and never laid a hand on a woman in my life, but I just don't know what my reaction would be if I found out one of them wasn't mine.

 

But I am pretty sure they are both mine.

[HappyHappy]

RG: Don't do it. NOthing good can come of telling the STBXH. Even though they have agreed to divorce, its GOT to be difficult for both of them on many levels. Telling him would just cause more pain for him. It just serves no purpose except to make you feel better and that will be very short lived. Secondly, If you want to have/continue any type of relationship with her, even a friendship, this action would kill it.

On the legal end...I know Ive seen a story or two on dateline or primetime or some sort of show where the other M/W was sued for interfering with the M. Again, this was on some tv show and probably doesnt happen too often, but just something else to think about. Who knows, you (and all of your personal information) could end up in a courtroom and I dont think you want that....If the STBXH has his attorney obtaining YOUR phone bills, cell phone bills, etc. in order to make his case against the W....this depends on the state. I live in a no fault divorce state, so it doesnt matter what happened there are only two reasons for divorce here: irrec diff. and insanity. But my MM lives in a state where the discovery of an A could hurt.....just food for thought.

[whichwayisup]

nope...what are they going to tell me?..."get over it"?

 

 

 

 

Why do I care "why" she did it? It doesn't matter why she did it..what matters is that she DID in fact do it.

This is one reason I don't believe in counseling. I have heard so many stories of hack counselors trying to get the betrayed spouse to "understand" why the cheater did what they did.

So basically the betrayed spouse is expected to cater to everything the cheater wants just to keep them from cheating?

I am a faithful guy and treated her like a queen. And I never neglected her. As a matter of fact, it was the complete opposite. I couldn't get enough of my wife.

Even if there was neglect, its no excuse. If neglect was an excuse and justification, I'd have slept with 100 women by now.

 

And if all the people that knew she did this before we got married would have told me, I would have called off the wedding.

 

 

 

Cheaters are only truly sorry when they get caught.

 

Good post reply and I am sorry that you had to go through all that with her.

 

Maybe you're one of the few BS's who don't want to know why, or maybe it's a woman thing, needing to know, I don't know...But most BS's have to have that information, as awful as it may be, they need to know so they can deal with it, and get some sort of closure. Not knowing is sometimes worse than knowing. Leaves the mind up to imagination and that can be dangerous!

 

She should have talked to you if she was unhappy, and yes, its' not an excuse to cheat, unfortunately she made the WRONG choice. And that is what it was, a choice.

[Salicious Crumb]

Good post reply and I am sorry that you had to go through all that with her.

 

Maybe you're one of the few BS's who don't want to know why

 

Its not that...it is that it is irrelevant "why" she did it. To understand "why" is pretty much implying that the betrayed are responsible for being cheated on. I don't buy that for a second.

 

She should have talked to you if she was unhappy, and yes, its' not an excuse to cheat, unfortunately she made the WRONG choice. And that is what it was, a choice.

 

She wasn't unhappy...if she was, she shouldn't have married me. She is just selfish as all cheaters are. She was soooo happy on her wedding day.

 

And if, lets just pretend, that there actually were justifications for cheating, well then hell...I'd have a ton of excuses to go out and bed down women every weekend if that were the case.

Cheaters are just fickle people who cannot handle a committed relationship. They can excuse it all they want and try to blame their victims, but in the end its just plain old selfishness and a lack of moral backbone.

 

And you are absolutely correct when you said it was a "choice". It gets my blood boiling when cheaters call it a "mistake". Its like the line from the movie, The Last Boy Scout with Bruce Willis...

"Sure, sure, it just happened. Could happen to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, fell on the floor and accidently stuck your dick into my wife. Oops, I'm sorry, Mrs. H, I guess this just isn't my week". LOL..I love that line...it pretty much sums up the "it was a mistake" theory.

 

And if people are that damn unhappy, then just break it off and spare your partner from making a lifelong mistake.

 

Anyway, this thread isn't about me.

 

Back to ratingsguy. I do think you want to tell the husband for your own personal revenge...but the husband STILL deserves to know and the man deserves custody of his kids. Its not his fault he is in this predicament because his wife didn't give a squirt about what she was doing to the family.

[Sup]

You know, I did think about that. I am 100% sure my 2 year old is mine.

My older son...well, I can't be completely sure, but I do believe he is mine. He is a spitting image of me.

 

Besides...I almost don't want to know...I am afraid of what I would do if I found out one or both of them weren't mine. I'm not a violent person and never laid a hand on a woman in my life, but I just don't know what my reaction would be if I found out one of them wasn't mine.

 

But I am pretty sure they are both mine.

 

 

One of these days you may want to know....... As for Ratings, he's NOT gonna tell, it's apparent that he doesn't care about her husband, so long as he gets what HE wants, PERIOD!

[ratingsguy]

I agree with the majority of the people here that it's a bad idea. In my weaker moments when I've been really angry about my whole situation, I have contemplated it, but I can't bring myself to do it. I can accept the fact that I am just as responsible for the A as my xMW is. I can see how telling the H would give me temporary satisfaction in terms of revenge, but in the long term everyone loses, including me. I don't want to lose her, especially since we both believe that we will end up together once everything is said and done. The last time I saw her, she mentioned that the divorce would now likely be final by the summer (as opposed to before where it was going to be a year down the road). So this is more good news. I remain hopeful.

[Salicious Crumb]

I agree with the majority of the people here that it's a bad idea. In my weaker moments when I've been really angry about my whole situation, I have contemplated it, but I can't bring myself to do it.

 

And that is why most people I think are saying its a bad idea as well. Because it would seem like you want to do it out of revenge, when you have no right to be mad.

 

It still doesn't change my position that the H needs to know what a lousy cheat his wife is and could make a difference as far as him gaining custody.

 

Otherwise, the cheating wife with the morals of a Vegas streetwalker will get custody of them, and the husband loses again through no fault of his own.

[Touche]

And that is why most people I think are saying its a bad idea as well. Because it would seem like you want to do it out of revenge, when you have no right to be mad.

 

It still doesn't change my position that the H needs to know what a lousy cheat his wife is and could make a difference as far as him gaining custody.

 

Otherwise, the cheating wife with the morals of a Vegas streetwalker will get custody of them, and the husband loses again through no fault of his own.

 

That's not necessarily true, SC. More and more these days, couples are getting JOINT custody. It's the best scenario for the kids (in most cases.)

 

Hey, but no argument here about her morals.

[Salicious Crumb]

That's not necessarily true, SC. More and more these days, couples are getting JOINT custody. It's the best scenario for the kids (in most cases.)

 

Hey, but no argument here about her morals.

 

I agree 100% about joint custody, and it does happen, but I don't think it happens as much as it should. Women are still getting the favoritism when it comes to custody.

[Touche]

I agree 100% about joint custody, and it does happen, but I don't think it happens as much as it should. Women are still getting the favoritism when it comes to custody.

 

Yep, agreed...gotta get the RIGHT lawyer though.

 

As I've mentioned my ex-H got joint custody back in the day when it was almost unheard of (1980). And my H was awarded joint custody in 1992. You'd have to have a really crappy lawyer and/or a really bad father to not get joint custody these days.

[Touche]

SC, how's it going in your particular case? Isn't it looking good for you? Have you spoken to a lawyer yet?

[HappyHappy]

I agree with the majority of the people here that it's a bad idea. In my weaker moments when I've been really angry about my whole situation, I have contemplated it, but I can't bring myself to do it. I can accept the fact that I am just as responsible for the A as my xMW is. I can see how telling the H would give me temporary satisfaction in terms of revenge, but in the long term everyone loses, including me. I don't want to lose her, especially since we both believe that we will end up together once everything is said and done. The last time I saw her, she mentioned that the divorce would now likely be final by the summer (as opposed to before where it was going to be a year down the road). So this is more good news. I remain hopeful.

Im so glad to hear you are not going to tell stbxH...Like I said the satisfaction would be so short lived and then you would feel really awful with the pain you caused them both. If they can get through their divorce without the A being exposed, it will be better for everyone involved. Remain hopeful, but in your case I do think you need to allow her her space. I read through your story, and the thing that concerns me is that this relationship is very very new so you and MW havent really had enough time to have built a foundation yet. I understand all of the passion and connection etc....but I believe you need a foundation which only comes with time to sustain this relationship.