Contemplating telling my xMW's H

[frannie]

I don't think RG is going to get too upset by words on a message board.

 

I do think that even 'good guys' get to the end of their patience.

 

I think that no-one answered RG's question about whether there were legal ramifications of this.

 

And I feel he's highly likely to do this. It's bubbling away and when things bubble THAT hard they usually boil over.

 

Plus, no-one has given even a half-decent reason why he shouldn't. 'Because the other guy might get more hurt' isn't a really good reason. 'Because (some ill-defined) **** might hit the fan' isn't a really good reason.

 

And on the other side of the equation there is this:

 

RG will feel (even temporarily) better. Perhaps forever better.

The MW will be out of his life, unequivocably.

Vengeance will be his!

She'll have a smack in the face for the selfish way she's treated him.

And who knows, the stbxH might even gain from the information ~ that is an unknown.

 

So... 'be a good guy'... hmm... it's not cutting the mustard for me, I'm afraid. But what do I know..?

[ratingsguy]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I don't think I'm going to go through with it. It's probably more mature to talk with my xMW... plus I still believe there's a chance we will get together in the future and I don't want to ruin that.

 

There are things I need to tell and ask my xMW. I saw her online last night and we talked things over a bit. We're going to get together at her place Wednesday morning at my request. I basically said that I wanted to talk about some unresolved emotions and feelings. I asked her if it was a problem and her exact words were "omg, no". For whatever reason, she didn't want to meet in public, but she wanted to be alone together.

 

We chatted a bit and she said that she's been trying to pull away from me lately even though she didn't want to. After 22 years of marriage she keeps saying that she needs to date and meet people. She admitted to being vulnerable right now and wants to make sure that she's not clinging to me and that her feelings are real. I asked her if I've been coming on too strong in recent weeks and she said I wasn't. I asked her point blank if she's made up her mind that there's no future for us, and she said that she didn't know right now. But I did get her to promise to tell me that if she ever comes to that conclusion to let me know... so I can move on for good.

 

I told her that I wish I could fast forward a few months so we could get through this time... and she said the same. But I still think age is an issue to her because she said that sometimes she feels like she doesn't want to take me away from my age group. I responded that love is love and a lot of other things just shouldn't matter. She asked me why I fell in love with her... and I was honest... I told her that she had given me more than any woman I've ever known. She told me that I was a great kisser and lover and poet (I've written her some poems before all this happened ) and that she so adored me. I of course told her I felt the same way. To which she replied "all I've ever wanted is for a guy to adore me and here I am pushing you away". Then she went on to say that she thinks about us all the time but doesn't know what to do or say. So I told her to do what's in her heart. She said that her heart can't let me go.

 

So I guess this is progress of sorts... so much for the NC... lol. Any advice about how I should approach meeting with her on Wednesday? What should I do or say? Thanks everyone for your help.

[MoonGirl]

RG,

 

If it's truly love, then you shouldn't have to worry too much about what you say and you shouldn't have to play games. However, considering the ordeal she is going through and the multitude of mixed emotions she is having, if I were you, I would certainly move cautiously and slowly. I think asking her for promises or making her promises could scare her away. Also, she probably is very concerned about your age difference. Right now it seems to work, but I'm sure she has also thought 10 years, 20 years into the future when the age difference will be extremely apparent and may cause a lot of problems for you and heartbreak for her. I think her concerns are realistic. I have a similar concern with my OM. I have 2 children and really do not want any more kids (and based on my previous very difficult pregnancies, I should not have more kids). OM has 1 child and would like 1 more. However much I love him, I am just not sure I can give him what he wants. Sometimes it makes me feel (possibly somewhat like your MW feels) that OM should find someone who can give him what he wants (in your case, what your MW thinks you may want).

 

Good luck and keep in touch!

[LittleWingedOne]

There are times where I go online and think, today is the day im going to tell her!

I can't though. I think in certain situations it is deserving, but it depends.

It's a really hard thing to do

[Salicious Crumb]

One urge I've been having in the last few days is telling my xMW's H about our A. I think my main motivation is remorse, and I truly do feel badly for the guy. He wasn't abusive or a poor provider or anything like that. He just didn't offer the emotional connection that his wife needed so badly. Now that I see that my xMW is distancing herself from me, I'm starting to understand what he's gone through.

 

I believe you should tell the husband because he deserves to know what a lying cheat his wife is.

 

But only if your motivation for telling him is that you think he deserves the truth.

 

If it is because she gave you the cold shoulder...well come on...she was married...what did you expect from a cheater?

 

But yes...tell him. I'd want to know if I was in his shoes.

[Touche]

I believe you should tell the husband because he deserves to know what a lying cheat his wife is.

 

But only if your motivation for telling him is that you think he deserves the truth.

 

If it is because she gave you the cold shoulder...well come on...she was married...what did you expect from a cheater?

 

But yes...tell him. I'd want to know if I was in his shoes.

 

What good would come of it? They're separated now as I understand it and will soon be divorced. I'm not following your logic.

[frannie]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I don't think I'm going to go through with it. It's probably more mature to talk with my xMW... plus I still believe there's a chance we will get together in the future and I don't want to ruin that.

 

I guess you got your reason not to do it

 

How to approach it..? I'd talk, as you say, about 'unresolved feelings' or whatever it was... try not to push anything about the future (remember everything on your earlier thread about giving her space). Though this is rich coming from me... only wish I could take some of my advice at times

 

Good luck, ratingsguy.

[Salicious Crumb]

What good would come of it? They're separated now as I understand it and will soon be divorced. I'm not following your logic.

 

Well I didn't catch where he said they are separated.

 

But the guy still has a right to know his wife was cheating on him. It might help him in the divorce if kids are involved.

 

I was kept in the dark for years....people knew of my wife messing around while we were engaged. But these people who knew didn't tell me and I ended up marrying her and having 2 kids with her and now I am damn mad about it all. I deserved to know back then, and this husband in this situation deserves to know the truth.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Wait a minute?

 

What happened to all the "sympathy" and "remorse" for the husband that RG cited as being his reason for wanting tattle on this married woman?

 

Now that he's merrily skipping off to meet her

[EnigmaXOXO]

Wait a minute?

 

What happened to all the "sympathy" and "remorse" for the husband that RG cited as being his reason for wanting tattle on this married woman?

 

Now that he's merrily skipping off to meet her … all of that empathy seems to have flown right out the door.

 

Blast me for being cynical … but I'm not sure I'm buying the Forest Gump routine anymore. I'm beginning to think the "nice guy" in the green fuzzy suit is actually a wolf in sheepish clothing.

 

I know. I know. Pointing that out makes a lot of people feel extremely uncomfortable. But I'm beginning to wonder if being too much of a bleeding heart is the reason why some people are more prone to falling into affair situations than others. (???)

[ratingsguy]

Now that he's merrily skipping off to meet her … all of that empathy seems to have flown right out the door.

 

No disrespect, but you may be forgetting that my MW is now separated and is free to date (as is the H). I still do have empathy for the H for what he has had to endure (no thanks to me)... separation sucks for anyone involved.

[Touche]

Well I didn't catch where he said they are separated.

 

But the guy still has a right to know his wife was cheating on him. It might help him in the divorce if kids are involved.

 

I was kept in the dark for years....people knew of my wife messing around while we were engaged. But these people who knew didn't tell me and I ended up marrying her and having 2 kids with her and now I am damn mad about it all. I deserved to know back then, and this husband in this situation deserves to know the truth.

 

I'm very sorry for your situation SC, but I stand by my post whether there are kids involved or not. In fact, it would hurt the kids MORE if they were dragged through the mud which, if the H found out about this, is a likely possibility.

 

Their marriage is over and NO good will come of the husband finding out about this at this point. It will only make it worse for everyone. Nothing to be gained.

 

And ENIGMA, excellent post. I agree 100% except that I was not buyin' it from the start. This was purely about revenge.

 

Some love ya'll have got there. You'd stab her in the back if she happened to turn it to you and she wants to date others to see if you're good enough for her.

 

Yep, the makings of a true romance...a love that will last through the ages...NOT!

 

Good luck. You're going to need it.

[Salicious Crumb]

I'm very sorry for your situation SC, but I stand by my post whether there are kids involved or not. In fact, it would hurt the kids MORE if they were dragged through the mud which, if the H found out about this, is a likely possibility.

 

How would it hurt the kids more? As you stated, they are already separated. The husband doesn't have to make it public to the kids, and probably wouldn't anyway out of sheer humiliation.

 

Their marriage is over and NO good will come of the husband finding out about this at this point. It will only make it worse for everyone. Nothing to be gained.

Sure...the man deserved to know...especially if the divorce isn't final yet.

Saying "no good will come of" it doesn't mitigate the fact that this man deserves to know.

 

And I just went back and looked...seems as if they are not divorced..not yet anyway.l

 

So this man deserves to know so he can tell his lawyer. He needs all the ammo he can get at least where custody is concerned.

[Touche]

So what if the divorce isn't final? It's just a formality now...they're getting divorced. They're not physically living under the same roof.

 

How will the kids be hurt? Because the H will want revenge and will probably seek full custody. I don't think that losing they're mother to that extent would be good for the kids. She's an adulterer not a murderer. She can still be a good mother to them.

 

Your last sentence was very, very sad. I just read it. That's exactly WHY I said he SHOULD NOT know.

 

Shame on you for advocating using children as pawns! Shame on you. They're the real victims here...not the H. And yes, I feel badly for the husband but it's over now.

[norajane]

After 22 years of marriage she keeps saying that she needs to date and meet people.

 

Really? What's her rush to start dating? She's barely out the door, and her first concern is meeting men? Why? Is she incapable of being without a man, a date for a week, a month while she catches her breath after leaving a 22 year marriage?

 

Why does she thinks she will resolve her feelings about you by dating other men? Shouldn't she make a decision about you before dating other men? Cause, like, isn't that what she did with her husband - she dated you before making a decision about him? Is that the kind of woman she is? She needs other men to help her end relationships?

 

I asked her point blank if she's made up her mind that there's no future for us, and she said that she didn't know right now. But I did get her to promise to tell me that if she ever comes to that conclusion to let me know... so I can move on for good.

 

Isn't it strange that you would be relieved that she promised to tell you if she decides she doesn't want to be with you? Isn't that something you would expect someone to do if they reached that conclusion - why wouldn't she tell you if she came to that conclusion? Are you afraid she'll treat you like her hubby, by carrying on an affair without telling him? By checking out of their relationship without telling him? ARe you afraid she will do that to you and leave you hanging?

 

She asked me why I fell in love with her... and I was honest... I told her that she had given me more than any woman I've ever known. She told me that I was a great kisser and lover and poet (I've written her some poems before all this happened ) and that she so adored me.

 

Do you see that as a satisfactory exchange? She is everything to you, and you are an adorable poet and lover to her?

 

So I guess this is progress of sorts... so much for the NC... lol. Any advice about how I should approach meeting with her on Wednesday? What should I do or say? Thanks everyone for your help.

 

My suggestion would be for you to be honest with her. I think you may be afraid to say everything that you are fearing, questioning, worrying about because you are afraid you will lose her, that she will see you as pushing her.

 

But if you don't tell her what you need, then your odds of getting that are much slimmer - you'll just have to accept what she gives you. If you don't tell her, then she will think you're ok with everything as it is. And you clearly are not.

[frannie]

Really? What's her rush to start dating? She's barely out the door, and her first concern is meeting men? Why? Is she incapable of being without a man, a date for a week, a month while she catches her breath after leaving a 22 year marriage?

 

Why does she thinks she will resolve her feelings about you by dating other men? Shouldn't she make a decision about you before dating other men? Cause, like, isn't that what she did with her husband - she dated you before making a decision about him?

 

I agree with this point of view. There's no way to 'test your feelings for someone' by dating others. What she means is there's an ocean of men out there and she's ready to sail. But she knows all the right words to say to keep people hanging. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she was keeping her stbxH hanging with a similar line... but that's just supposition on my part.

 

The bottom line here seems to be that she sees ratingsguy as 'a possibility' (even if that, sorry)... and certainly doesn't mind losing him if he decides to go off elsewhere.

[Salicious Crumb]

So what if the divorce isn't final? It's just a formality now...they're getting divorced. They're not physically living under the same roof.

 

How will the kids be hurt? Because the H will want revenge and will probably seek full custody.

 

and why not? he DESERVES full custody of his kids after what she did to him. Or are you defending the cheating wife here? why should she get the kids since this is of her doing?

 

 

I don't think that losing they're mother to that extent would be good for the kids. She's an adulterer not a murderer. She can still be a good mother to them.

 

Oh, but you don't mind that they lose their father to that extent though. She is the one that put them in this situation? Why should the dad not have custody since she did this? Oh, lets just forget the dad's needs in all of this. Sure...she cheated on him...so why not just add insult to injury and take his kids away too.

 

Shame on you for advocating using children as pawns!

 

I'm not advocating using them as pawns. Someone is going to get full custody anyway. Joint custody is seldom good and rarely allowed.

 

So why shouldn't it be the father since he isn't the one that wanted any of this to happen?

 

If this happened to me, and it just might some day since my wife has already been unfaithful...I would want custody of my kids...to hurt her? not in the least. In a divorce, it wouldn't be about hurting anyone, I'd be about getting it over with as quick as possible, but I would go for custody. I love my children and I couldn't imagine being without them EVERY day. And it shouldn't be me that has to do without my kids since my wife didn't care enough to refrain from destroying the family.

 

And yes, I feel badly for the husband but it's over now.

 

Ya...sure you do.

 

And no...its not over yet. This woman is probably going to be going for this poor guys balls in court after getting ratingsguy's balls in bed. And I bet ratingsguy isn't the only strange she has had while married.

This man doesn't deserve any more heartache and pain that this woman has given him already. Hell, the decent thing for her to do would be to let him have custody. If I cheated on my wife, which would never happen...I don't cheat...I couldn't imagine trying to take the kids away at that point since it would have been me that destroyed the marriage. But hey, thats just me.

[MoonGirl]

In many states, an affair won't affect the custody situation.

[Touche]

and why not? he DESERVES full custody of his kids after what she did to him. Or are you defending the cheating wife here? why should she get the kids since this is of her doing?

 

 

 

 

Oh, but you don't mind that they lose their father to that extent though. She is the one that put them in this situation? Why should the dad not have custody since she did this? Oh, lets just forget the dad's needs in all of this. Sure...she cheated on him...so why not just add insult to injury and take his kids away too.

 

 

 

I'm not advocating using them as pawns. Someone is going to get full custody anyway. Joint custody is seldom good and rarely allowed.

 

So why shouldn't it be the father since he isn't the one that wanted any of this to happen?

 

If this happened to me, and it just might some day since my wife has already been unfaithful...I would want custody of my kids...to hurt her? not in the least. In a divorce, it wouldn't be about hurting anyone, I'd be about getting it over with as quick as possible, but I would go for custody. I love my children and I couldn't imagine being without them EVERY day. And it shouldn't be me that has to do without my kids since my wife didn't care enough to refrain from destroying the family.

 

 

 

Ya...sure you do.

 

And no...its not over yet. This woman is probably going to be going for this poor guys balls in court after getting ratingsguy's balls in bed. And I bet ratingsguy isn't the only strange she has had while married.

This man doesn't deserve any more heartache and pain that this woman has given him already. Hell, the decent thing for her to do would be to let him have custody. If I cheated on my wife, which would never happen...I don't cheat...I couldn't imagine trying to take the kids away at that point since it would have been me that destroyed the marriage. But hey, thats just me.

 

 

Look, I don't cheat either. And I think it's despicable but what you don't get here is that it's not about which party "deserves" the kids. It's about the kids deserving to be with BOTH parents.

 

You're wrong about the joint custody issue. Both my ex-H and my H BOTH had joint custody of their children. It worked beautifully. They were with both parents equally. That's what should be done here.

 

Hey, I DO feel badly for the H. If it were me, and I was cheated on I'd want to go for full custody myself. But I wouldn't. Why should my son be deprived of his dad because I want revenge? It's not right.

 

I hope you re-think your position on that. Kids need BOTH parents.

[mental_traveller]

Personally I would tell him. He deserves to know. Right now he is living a lie, he is the victim of a monumental fraud and deception. Just tell him anonymously via email, and offer contact if he wishes to do that. I know if I was in his shoes, I would definitely want to know, and would be grateful to anyone who told me.

 

Also, don't feel guilty about your motivation. If someone wants to save a drowning child so they become famous and make lots of money via media appearances, does that tawdry motive mean that they should let the child drown? Of course not. This guy may eventually get reamed in divorce court, lose custody and have his life shattered. Surely it's better for him to have all the info from a reliable source. Help him by informing him of the reality of his life. It's like if you see someone getting cheated at cards. Sure, you can ignore it and he will happily go on to lose a fortune, putting it down to bad luck. But just because he *thinks* he is ok, does not mean that he actually *is* ok. In fact he's screwed. Put this guy out of his ignorance and tell him.

[JamesM]

RG, I have also followed your story from the beginning. And I already see that a couple have implied a "I told you so." I do feel sorry for you to have to go thru this. As for her not wanting to see you in public, didn't you say she wasn't interested in making your relationship known until April? Assuming you two are together then, does this mean you will be meeting her in private while other men date her openly?

 

Norajane has a great post....great wisdom for you.

 

My question for you to consider (and not said in anger or sarcasm) is..."If you now feel sorry for her ex H and feel he needs to know of the affair, where was your concern for him in previous threads when you made him out to be the whole reason that your MW was having an affair? If you had no sympathy for him then, why does he deserve it now? Is your motivation still the same if you end up being with the MW? As Enigma said, Is your need for him to know still there after you have regained hope for a future with the MW?" Personally, I think your goal is simply to hurt MW.

 

Please consider this before telling him of the affair. I know you are hurting, but your MW is now free. And it may seem like she is suddenly chasing after men, but she has never had this chance for 22 years. Yes, she could have an affair, but now she can date anybody she likes. Now you are the guy who wants to tie her down. As has been said, let her go....if it is love, she will return. If she finds another man now, it is much better than if she found another man while you were married to her.

 

From what I read though, many participants in affair do not end up together. Many of them discover the cold hard truth that trust is hard to build when a relationship is built upon secrecy and lies.

 

No, I see no reason to tell the ex H.

[Salicious Crumb]

Please consider this before telling him of the affair. I know you are hurting, but your MW is now free.

 

Not yet she is not. They are separated and from what I understand will be divorced.

And if the husband is fighting for custody, then he has a right to know. Making it known to the kids is probably not the best idea...but then again, if I had a choice on who to live with, it wouldn't be the parent that cheated and is the reason for the divorce.

[Salicious Crumb]

Look, I don't cheat either. And I think it's despicable but what you don't get here is that it's not about which party "deserves" the kids. It's about the kids deserving to be with BOTH parents.

 

You're wrong about the joint custody issue. Both my ex-H and my H BOTH had joint custody of their children. It worked beautifully. They were with both parents equally. That's what should be done here.

 

Hey, I DO feel badly for the H. If it were me, and I was cheated on I'd want to go for full custody myself. But I wouldn't. Why should my son be deprived of his dad because I want revenge? It's not right.

 

I hope you re-think your position on that. Kids need BOTH parents.

 

Ok then, considering all you have just written, lets go back to the source of this thread and see if we can get some answers as to what exactly is going on.

 

ratingsguy, question...do you know in your MW divorce proceedings....is one or both of them going for full custody, or are they going for joint?

And in either case, do you by chance know the outlook for the outcome?

[Sup]

Not yet she is not. They are separated and from what I understand will be divorced.

And if the husband is fighting for custody, then he has a right to know. Making it known to the kids is probably not the best idea...but then again, if I had a choice on who to live with, it wouldn't be the parent that cheated and is the reason for the divorce.

 

 

How did you find out about your wife? What are you planning on doing?

[JamesM]

Not yet she is not. They are separated and from what I understand will be divorced.

And if the husband is fighting for custody, then he has a right to know. Making it known to the kids is probably not the best idea...but then again, if I had a choice on who to live with, it wouldn't be the parent that cheated and is the reason for the divorce.

 

Honestly, she IS free. Her husband appears...as I read thru RG's threads...to have given her up. And if she has been having an affair with RG, she definitely assumes she is free. It sounds like she is looking to date. She does not appear to want another relationship right now.

 

I am not disagreeing that the husband should know when it comes to custody, but I don't think it will change things much. I certainly don't think that RG should be the bearer of news for two seemingly obvious reasons: first, he is the person with whom she has been cheating. Second, his motive seems to be revenge. This means he will not get her back. This does not seem to be his goal...rather he is trying to get back at her....yet when she gives him a bone, he is willing to go back to her.

 

As for the children...I don't feel that you nor I can understand what they want. And that is mainly because we have so many more life excperiences. I am willing to guess that like most children though, they just want their parents back together again. And if that is not possible, then they at least want them as much as possible. I highly doubt that they would feel that thier mother is at fault if they hear of the affair. They may to a degree, but they will mostly blame RG. They will also blame the H. If RG desires a long term affair with MW, this will not be healthy.

 

My 2c.