sleeping with other people...

[twiggy12]

So I really need some input from all of you.

I've been with pretty much my "high school sweetheart" for almost 3yrs now. Everything is great with us, and we are very much in love.

BUT...

The problem is, I'm his first for everything...including sex and I've slept with other people before him. I know hes naturally curious to what its like to have sex with other girls.

One night, alcohol was involved, one of us brought it up and he admitted he thought a lot about what it would be like. He said he doesn't think of an emotionally relationship whatsoever with other girls, he just wonders physically. Hes gets a lot of girls asking about his availability and he said he would never do anything if it meant loosing me, and I trust him 110%. He said I'm absolutely perfect for him emotionally and physically. I don't know if I could handle him sleeping with someone else...i just don't know what to do.

What if one day we decided to get married and have children and he becomes more and more curious and would never know what it'd be like to be with other women and is tempted to taint a marriage...

I just need some input/advice on how I should take this.

[Patenter]

I'm the man you described, just twenty-five years later. You're very wise in my opinion -- I think he really needs to get this out of his system. I wish everyday that I had done so, back in my time. It bothers me so much.

[Javelin]

I wrote a long meaningless post that I just deleted to only say a few words of advice.

 

Becareful, curiosity is one of man's largest burdens; it works strangely with the gift of, 'free will.'

[Madeamistake]

I wrote a long meaningless post that I just deleted to only say a few words of advice.

 

Becareful, curiosity is one of man's largest burdens; it works strangely with the gift of, 'free will.'

 

Very true!

 

That is how most of us end up getting into messed up situations. I think you may perhaps need to set him free for a while. If he comes back, he is meant to be yours, if he doesn't then he never was.

[silentcharon]

Yep. You should let him go. I was with my ex for 7 years, since the tender ages of 15 and 16, we broke up a year ago- because he wanted to see what was out there. That hurt like hell, but nevertheless, he's out there 'sowing his wild oats'.

 

Since he has hooked up with other people, he has been telling me he wants to be with me and I refuse to take him back the way he is. I think he should date around, before we can even hope to become proper friends or have a relationship again. To get his 'confusion' out of the way. Like madeamistake said, he'll come back if it was meant to be.

[Guest]

So I really need some input from all of you.

...The problem is, I'm his first for everything...including sex and I've slept with other people before him. I know hes naturally curious to what its like to have sex with other girls.

... I don't know if I could handle him sleeping with someone else...i just don't know what to do.

What if one day we decided to get married and have children and he becomes more and more curious and would never know what it'd be like to be with other women and is tempted to taint a marriage...

I just need some input/advice on how I should take this.

 

You've already "tainted" your marriage because you slept with other guys. It doesn't matter that is was before him. He will always have that image in his head that you had other guys and he hasn't had anyone but you. I'm sure it will wear on him. And the fact that he didn't ever get to take a woman's virginity, but you took his. Those things would bother me. Maybe your guy won't be bothered by them but since I'm a guy, and I don't think I'm all that different from other guys, some men are going to be bothered by it.

 

And no matter what other women (or men) say that a guy shouldn't feel that way, that your past shouldn't matter, I'm afraid for some guys it will matter. And there isn't anything you can do about it.

 

I also know that if it was me, I would not marry you until I had gained a lot more experience with women than you had with men. I just wouldn't be willing to cede superiority in the 'experience' department to my wife. Just wouldn't work for me. First I would have to know that you weren't the only woman willing to sleep with me, that I could attract someone else, and I'd want to know that you were the best woman for me, that I wasn't just settling for you without having more fully investigated my options.

 

Why should your man "handle" your sleeping with other men in your past, but you couldn't "handle" his sleep with other women? If he did and then decided you are the woman he wants to marry, why shouldn't you treat that exactly the same as you want him to treat your past?

[Guest]

I'm the man you described, just twenty-five years later. You're very wise in my opinion -- I think he really needs to get this out of his system. I wish everyday that I had done so, back in my time. It bothers me so much.

does your wife know how much this is killing you? Have you talked to her about it? I know women probably won't understand it because so few of them really understand the male psyche.

 

Men and women simply don't udnerstand each other. Each tends to see the other as "just like" themselves. But men and women are very different.

 

Relationships are head for big trouble when a woman assumes her man should think about sex and their relationship exactly as they do. (Likewise if men think their wives or girlfriends think the same about sex and relationship as they do, we fooling ourselves. Just read all the threads about porn, strip clubs or the like).

 

This issue of a woman having more sexual partners or experiences in her past than her mate, bothers some men greatly. (and of course there are other men that it doesn't bother at all.) Men are supposed to be the more promiscuous sex. When our wives turn out to have been more promiscuous than ourselves it tends to bother us. When a wife has had more "relationships" than we have all kind of self doubt creep in.

[Guest]

I dont think it should matter whether the guy has more experience than the girl or the other way around, but i think it is better that BOTH have some experience, even if its only one or two others. I am actually in the same situation as you are, only the other way around. My boyfriend is a fair bit older than me and has been with lots of other women, whereas he is my first and lately it has been driving me nuts.

 

It might not be as bad for your boyfriend as you've only been with one other guy, not lots, but it probably still hurts. I hate thinking about my bloke with someone other than me. I'm also battling with the 'am i missing out' bit too, I love my boyfriend and the thought of leaving him scares me, especially as I'm really not sure that he'd take me back, but at the same time I am curious to know what other guys would be like and I suppose I feel a bit of envy that he's had the chance to try out other girls before deciding he wanted me, he's just had a much fuller, more fun life than me in general.

 

I think you should talk to your boyfriend. It is possible that while he does wonder sometimes, he still loves you too much to want to give you up. Also consider, if he does want more experience, could you let him go without ruining any possible friendship or future relationship if he decides to come back? Or would you feel too hurt that he wanted to try out someone else before making a final decision about you? I agree with the other posters, curiosity is very powerful and dangerous, as is jealousy even about exes. How does he feel about your ex? I hate to think that there's nothing I can do with my boyfriend that he hasnt done with some other naked girl, even though it was in the past.

 

I love my boyfriend, but I seriously wish I'd had more fun and experimentation when I was younger, a teenage romance before jumping into a long term relationship and feelings I'm completely unused to. I hope your boyfriend doesnt feel the same.