Office as a Pick Up Place?

[Charlotte]

I am a lawyer and have been working ridiculous hours for the past few years. Being a woman in South Africa means that I have to work three times as hard to prove myself in such a male dominated area; feminism doesn't appear to have struck my country yet! Anyway, because I am so career-orientated I have not had any time to go out and have a social life. This means that I haven't been on a date in about 8 months. Very depressing! I also can't see myself moving out of this position I am in - I love my work and want to own my own practice one day, which means more long hours ahead for the next decade or so. A lot of my friends who work similiar hours have found their husbands/boyfriends through work and because I don't have the chance to get out much, I think tihs is probably my main source of boyfriend potential. The problem is, I work in an established firm where all the guys are old and married!! I am seriously considering changing jobs to work in a firm where there is more access to young, available guys. I hate myself for even considering this but I think I would be a much more balanced and happier person if I had the potential to meet some guys through work. What do you think?

[Tony T]

I don't know much about South Africa so I'm not certain of the opportunities for meeting people under various circumstances. However, in general, it's not good to date people at your workplace. While many workplace dating situations end up positive and even in marriage, more of them end in awkwardness at work once the relationship is over. Also, it's very difficult to date different people if one of the people you are dating works in close proximity.

 

I think finding a mate should be more spontaneous and without the serious planning that you are contemplating.

 

The best way to meet the opposite sex is through friends. If there's another firm where you have friends...or can make some by attending social events, do so that way. But don't limit yourself to men in the legal profession.

 

I think your biggest problem anywhere may be that men are intimidated by a female who is an attorney. However, I have always loved dating them because they are always good with handling my briefs!

[Tracey]

Very cute, Tony.

 

As a lawyer myself I can definately relate to your situation, Charlotte. I had a great social life at college then I found myself working 7 days a week just to keep my head above water. It is a cut throat profession, especially for women. I don't necessarily like guys in the legal profession (they tend to be quite selfish and materialistic), so finding a mate has been very hard for me as well. While it does help to work in a young, funky firm - flirting is fun! - as Tony said, the workplace is not the ideal way to pick up.

 

I would suggest making more of an effort to see friends and go out with colleagues. I once went 4 months straight without ever going out or doing anything social because I was so busy and exhausted from work. What ended up happening was that I cut myself off from my friends and lived a very monotonous, dreary life. You need something to look forward to so pack a skirt in your briefcase and hit the bars after work on Friday. There are a lot of working guys who go out after work and aren't intimidated by professional women.

 

I think it's a shame that men would prefer to date women who don't challenge them in an intellectual way. And I know a lot of guys who would feel insecure about earning less than their partner. What crap! I actually used to 'dumb myself down' when I went out and become the ditzy blonde instead of the assertive, intelligent person I am at the office. This attracted more guys, but the relationships never worked because I wasn't being myself.

 

All in all, you're in a tough situation, sister. But you're not alone! Let your friends know that you would like to find a partner and make sure they keep their eye out for you. This is how I met my current boyfriend - my friends thought I was happy being single until I bawled my eyes out over a few glasses of wine one night! Then they went to work on setting me up with someone who I might like. Tony is right, I think the best way to find a guy is through your friends rather than your work environment.

[butterflyz]

don't s* where you eat. i found out the hard way.

[Elizabeth]

Charlotte, I'm not a lawyer but a computer programmer (please don't think "geek"...LOL)

I also work in a male donminated environment where most guys are married or paired up with a girlfriend.

Interestingly, some of my colleagues are South African! And a bit chauvinistic, yes...but I haven't completely lost faith in them :-)

Even though I have a great social life, I have been tempted by pushing the occasional office flirting a bit further....only to find out that Tony's right. The whole adventure starts as a lot of fun and often ends up in awkwardness.

I actually flirted like mad with that (South African) colleague who was unsure about his realtionship. It didn't go beyond flirting. But there was a point where we both realised we were taking it too far for a friendship and we're now incapable of behaving naturally whenever we interact. Interestingly, we both still care for each other. But it's that "work colleague-friend-maybe boyfriend" thing. Too complicated.

Look elsewhere. Go out to non work related social events. Take on a hobby. If you're always at work, men will think you live for your job. I don't completely adhere to the idea that men would be "intimidated" because you have a good job. But a lot of guys could think there's a book of common law beating in your chest and there's no place for love in your life.

Get out there and show them you're much more than only a brilliant career woman! Work is one part of our lives. Make time for play and you'll find someone.

~ Liz ~