Want a second shot at it... which approach?

[myhotrod123456789]

I am glad I found this board. Seems like there are a lot of stories here and genuine people around. I could use some help and/or advice either based on experience or some sort of outside perspective.

 

So I'm going to try to summarize a long time and lots of feelings into as short of a story as possible... just finished writing it and its a little bit of a doozy. try and hang in there if you can:

I dated this girl for 5 years. We broke up 4 months ago. We are both mid 20s now. Started relationship in college. The first 4 years were amazing. It was my first serious relationship and it couldn't have been any more natural. We traveled all around the world and got along as well as 2 people could get along. I very rarely questioned anything and we made eachother so happy, so I just coasted along... never even really contemplated marriage or anything of that sort.

Then the 5th year of our relationship came around and things started getting shaky. It was a chaotic time because she was starting grad school about an hour away from where I lived. She wanted me to move in with her, but I told her I wasn't ready for that. I actually entertained the thought, but I felt strange at the time telling family and friends that I would do it. I said she should make some friends out there and try to establish herself (she later told me she cried herself to sleep when she first moved there because she felt I wasn't around as much as she wanted... why she didnt tell me this at the time, I don't know). Anyways, things were pretty good at first, but she did make friends and she did start getting involved with her work. This was also a point in my life that (I now recognize) I wasn't happy with myself. So, as I felt her pulling away, I started becoming even more reliant. I hung out with friends a lot less and lost a lot of my personal interests. Things only got worse from here. I began looking at sex as a sign of her love for me and used it as acceptance, so when it got to the point of once a month, I became really frustrated. I was frustrated when she would hang out with her friends instead of me. I was frustrated that she seemed to be doing fun things without me. I was jealous and insecure, now I know. I made my frustrations obvious to her and constantly was telling her and making her feel bad. She has told me that she felt like she was constantly letting me down in regards to virtually every aspect of our relationship. I made her feel torn between me and having her own fun life. After awhile of this, the break talk started surfacing. When I thought about it, it seemed ok. I thought I was such an attentive and loving boyfriend that she would regret it. I had done some really nice things for her and she couldn't say that I didn't pay her attention. And hey, its my first serious relationship, so I have time to explore. So we finally agreed to break up. Essentially mutual, but I had it in my head that she would want me back. I asked her at that time if this was really the end and she said "in the past if I didnt make it clear that things were done, it comes back to bite me in the ass. but I can see dating you in the future." After a couple of weeks, I realized that I was a mess. I really didn't initiate calls, but when she would call me I would do all the no-no's like crying and asking her what's going on. After a week of not talking to her, I really started recognizing the problems on my side in the relationship. I wrote her a really great letter by hand that pointed them out. It essentially ended by saying that recognizing these things would be a good foundation to try again, but a part of my heart will always love her no matter what happens. She said she the letter was exactly what she wanted to hear from exactly who she wanted to hear it from. But that was it. Essentially it had become clear that I was interested in trying again.

 

Since then, my approach has varied widely. On one extreme, I wrote out 125 memories that we had on pieces of colored tape and connected them chronologically into a big ball (in the middle there was a cheap pendant that she had passingly mentioned she liked when we were still together). I wrapped the ball with paper to look like a globe and put pins in each place we had traveled. Along with that, I drew some silly pictures (I am definately a terrible artist) of memories I had of us and wrote something like "Look at all the places we've been and all the places we have yet to explore. Will you go out with me on X day?" I know, incredibly sappy. She seemed to like it a lot and has saved everything (she still has my picture up in her room and all the stuff I have given her prominately displayed). This is in contrast to a month later, I told her that I don't want her to contact me anymore because it gets me sucked back up into everything when I think I have started to make progress. A week later she sent me an email saying that she wasnt sure if she was supposed to respond, but she was going to anyway. I found it to be a sad email, like she was trying to reach out. So I talked to her and she was very happy to hear that I wanted to stay in touch so we could support eachother. I can't seem to stick to one approach. Not sure which is the best to follow.

 

Our current status is that I very rarely call her in order to give her space, but she calls me at least once a week. We have hung out maybe 6 times in the past 4 months. She has told me things like she "wants to take things slow" and she wants "to take baby steps" and she's said "I don't know if I should tell you this, but I see this as a time to get over our problems" and she said she loves me more than anyone besides her parents and, most recently, she said she would get back in a relationship if she knew she wouldn't feel torn between the different obligations in her life currently. I do make more of an effort to not be as attentive and accessable via phone. I don't pick up everytime. I didn't call back on my bday. Our conversations seem more lively on her side the past few times and I make a conscious effort to be fun and lively and not talk about our relationship or any jealous/needy thoughts. I feel like the balance of power in the relationship has evened out somewhat by doing this. I picked up Blase Harris's "How to get your lover back". It seemed so obvious to me and it made sense, but I haven't been able to really find examples of it working out for people. I feel like in the long run, no contact is definately the better approach. But this goes counter to Blase Harris' approach and I feel like after reading that book, I have definately recognized a lot of things about myself that would be beneficial for any relationship in general. I have gotten a lot of my life back and would love to give it one more go with these new realizations.

 

sorry for such a long drawn out post, but I would really love to hear what your opinions out there are. I will spend the next few days reading through all the old posts on this site!

[loveratud]

I'm still way too wrapped up in my own dumping and hope for another chance to offer you any real advice about what to do right, but as another guy, that whole thing with the globe is just incredibly sweet. Honestly, if doing something like that doesn't make someone realize that they love you, then it's their loss. You'll find someone else who actually deserves you.

 

I mean, geez, I'm nearly speechless at such a sweet and innovative idea.

[notmakingsense]

I actually think you are handling things perfectly. It is clear that she wants to maintain a distance, yet takes the time to make sure that you two are connected in some way.

 

You need to protect yourself from a possibility that she is just holding you around as a backup. Not intentionally/consciously, but she is scared of losing you also -- even though she is thinking that separation is good.

 

All I can recommend is that you don't put your life on hold for her -- that you continue to focus on your own life, friends, school/work. I think that meeting other women casually would be good for you also. Not to spite her, but to keep your confidence level high that the key to your happiness does not lie in her hands. Continue to let her do most of the contact, and never, ever again focus on the relationship aspect until she brings it up first. Although it was sweet, I'd cut out any romantic notes/gestures -- she needs to understand that you are capable of moving on.

[chryssy83]

I agree with notmakingsense...he's very smart.

 

Otherwise, I would just like to say that I think I was kind of dating you. I don't understand how a guy could be so unsure when a relationship is going so well! Ugh...

 

But it sounds like you're being sweet. Just don't make her your only priority in life right now. It makes you more attractive to her, and it keeps your spirits up in case it doesn't turn out the way you hoped.