Jealousy

[Debster]

Hi all,

 

I have a problem that is threatening my relationship and has ruined other relationships. I get very insecure and possessive in relationships to the point where my boyfriend feels that I don't trust or respect him. I realize that he's not doing anything too out of the normal for me to act like this and that it's my problem to deal with - but I'm having trouble.

 

Can anyone share some advice as to how to stop doing this or any books/etc that they can recommend. I realize I need to stop this or risk loosing my boyfriend.

 

Thanks,

[Tony T]

Groundless jealousy in very unattractive. Building confidence and self esteem in order to get rid of the jealousy is very difficult if people have been putting you down for years...or if you've gotten the shaft numerous times from other men.

 

Attend workshops, get counselling and/or read books on self esteem, particularly those by Nathanial Branden...any of them. He's the champ.

 

But you and only you can take charge of your thoughts and start thinking better of yourself. It is because of low self esteem that you feel your partner is looking for others and paying attention to others because you aren't good enough.

 

When you think enough of yourself, you won't care if a partner finds somebody else...you'll bid them good ridance and find somebody better.

 

But you better work on this fast. If your guy finds out you are so jealous and lack so much confidence, he will lose a great deal of respect for you.

[butterflyz]

what your behavior is like when you are feeling jealous?

 

the emotions may never end...but how you communicate it to your partner is vital.

 

for instance, do you feel jealous when he exhibits a certain behavior? if so, maybe it's not you, but his behavior and maybe his behavior is inappropriate...but he turns it around on you and calls you insecure and jealous. in which case he would not be right for you.

 

another example is that he exhibits no behavior that is inappropriate (ogling women, flirting in front of you, collecting phone numbers, etc.) and you just are the way you are. in this case, i agree with tony and try and look at your good points, your accomplishments.

 

my motto is: it doesn't pay to worry about men, if they want to cheat, they'll cheat. there's nothing you can do about it. so you can choose to worry or not. i know it's easier said than done. but, if he's a player, he's a player.

[just_a_girl]

Originally posted by Tony

Groundless jealousy in very unattractive. Building confidence and self esteem in order to get rid of the jealousy is very difficult if people have been putting you down for years...or if you've gotten the shaft numerous times from other men.

 

I don't know whether to totally agree with this statement Tony. I was with a guy that didn't want a serious relationship and i was also the same, however I didn't want him to pursue other relationships while with me and he ended up doing that because i didn't put my foot down initially. (I could have either put my foot down initially or walked away i guess, but i liked him alot). The girl he ended up with after me is already trying to stop him hanging out with various people, i know this for a fact because she doesn't want him hanging out with me (ofcourse because i am his ex), but im sure she must be like this in relation to some other girls also. .... Anywayz, to cut this short, he recons he is fine with her being a bit possesive over the people he hangs out with. I strongly doubt it, but who knows what one person things compared to another. :-S

 

 

By the way Tony, thanx for replying to my other post. :-))

 

 

Goodluck with relationships everyone!!!

[LisaR]

I have the same exact problem, and it has finally ruined my two year relationship with the most wonderful man I could ever meet. He gave me no reason to distrust him, but I never felt good enough for him. He was so sweet and supportive, and I am hoping it's not too late. Debster - get some counselling immediately. Don't end up where I am now. It's a living hell. I am getting counselling, and I hope to be able to offer him the love and trust and support he needs, and to feel great about myself at the same time, if it's not too late. Good luck!

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by butterflyz

my motto is: it doesn't pay to worry about men, if they want to cheat, they'll cheat. there's nothing you can do about it. so you can choose to worry or not. i know it's easier said than done. but, if he's a player, he's a player.

 

VERY well put sister friend!!!