miss snoopy Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 OK, I've now gone almost 3 months with NC apart from a card/letter I sent a few days after he left me, which he ignored. I know he's actively looking for a g/f, he's been back on the dating site we met and so far has had no success. He's met up with one person but they didn't click, and nothing has come from other conversations. By coincidence, I have had exactly the same experience using a different but similar site. I've got to the point where I've given up on internet dating, I can't cope with the build up/let down any more, so I don't know where my next date is going to come from, but that's another thread... In terms of getting over him, although I have technically been implementing NC, the reality is because I can access his account on the dating site, I have been able to keep track of his life. And as a result I seem to be going backwards. Please please, please do not say any of the following which I have been trying, unsuccessfully - Take up a hobby Go out with friends See a counsellor Avoid checking out his profile on the site Distract yourself with books, TV, LS, bubble bath etc etc I've tried everything, spent more money than I should on the above, bought a billion self help books, downloaded a million more, have gone out more than I should, but last week, in the middle of a very interesting play I went to see with a great friend of mine I found myself completely distracted and thinking of him. And I was miserable till the final curtain. That's how my life has been recently - I have put on a brave face at work, with friends and family, even here, telling myself and everyone else I have moved on - but I'm not even near there. I bought a book - Obsessive love - and I realise I'm an obsessive girlfriend. Very controlling, very demanding, thrives best when there's drama, if there's none, makes up some. Insecure without cause - which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy when he leaves. I think about how every relationship I've had has ended with the guys falling out of love, even like, and leaving, only to see I wasn't that bad and they've been friendly to me months/years later - so far no exception. So I must be very difficult to be with (suffocating?) as a partner as if I was 100% evil they won't want to know at all. So my problem isn't as a person, but in relationships. And I know how easy it is to make my ex out as the baddie in our relationship, but I did a lot to ruin things. So.. I have decided something's got to give. No ex has come back wanting another chance (except this one, just before our final break up) clearly because I don't leave them with that loving feeling so there aren't the great memories that bring people back. I know he's never going to contact me as he thinks I'm unstable therefore potentially dangerous, so... I want to ring him up and have a "closure date" similar to D-Lish's. I know it'll do me good as I've done this with every other relationship, all successfully. I know NC is the way to go but no 2 relationships are the same and if I don't do this, I'll keep obsessing until I'm blue in the face. This is the right time to do it, when he's single and lonely and no, I'm not looking for a reconciliation, just a nice evening out to get closure and nip this cycle in the bud. I know it's over for him and there's no way we can get back together, too much water under the bridge, but as I don't think he'll put the phone down on me the worst thing that could happen is we'll have a civil telephone conversation, and that'll be it - better than what I'm going through at the moment... Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 I know it'll do me good as I've done this with every other relationship, all successfully. You know best. I think that, if you do it this way, things will get worse before they get better. But I hope I'm wrong about that. Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 OK, I've now gone almost 3 months with NC apart from a card/letter I sent a few days after he left me, which he ignored. I know he's actively looking for a g/f, he's been back on the dating site we met and so far has had no success. He's met up with one person but they didn't click, and nothing has come from other conversations. PS: This sounds nothing like NC!!?? You don't seem to be giving yourself a chance (to heal). Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 I know, Magichands - it's NC from his point of view as he hasn't heard from me at all since the card. But yes, from the point of view of my healing, it hasn't been NC at all so maybe I've been stuck at "go" since day one? What do you mean things may get worse before they get better? Do you mean I may have to go through rejection all over again? I know that's a possibility but I'm hoping the passage of time will help, and the fact he is lonely and has had no luck on the dating front. He has never refused to talk to me or meet with me after we've broken up - this was our 4th break up (3 instigated by him, one by me) and in all 3 previous cases I initiated contact afterwards (as "friends") and we ended up back together, but I know this time he has convinced hinself I've got psycho tendencies which I feel may make it easier for him to hang up on me. It certainly has made it easier for him to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 What do you mean things may get worse before they get better? Do you mean I may have to go through rejection all over again? I mean that you're still hoping that you will get back together. It always hurts when hope gets a turn of claustrophobia. Do what you have to do. But try the real deal, if it comes to that. I hope you get what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 Yeah, I think deep down a part of me wstill ants us to get back together, that's the obsessive part that can't let go. The rational psrt knows he's completely wrong for me - I set about trying to change him to become a "perfect fit" as soon as we started dating, which he spent the relationship fighting against. Thanks for replying, I'm going through a really rough patch at the moment.. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 wstill ants That's the coolest typo I have sever een. Link to post Share on other sites
cityboy Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Hey MS. I think I may be the male version of you. Let me give you some advice from my own personal experience - that "closure date" that you're talking about? It will be miserable, and it will bring you back to square one, perhaps even worse off than when he first left. You will go through it all over again, you will cry, you will ask "why?" and you will stumble home feeling completely hopeless. I'm just relating my own experience, but it doesn't sound like you have committed to NC, and I think you need to do that before you can approach any sort of closure. I was doing the same thing. Her stuff, including computer, is still here, and I was rifling through things, trying to figure out what she was up to, etc. It wasn't helping. At all. It was my way of keeping her in my life and I realize now that that's the worst thing I could have done. Logout of his account. Block the site if you have to. Just... stop looking. When you find yourself entering that URL, call a friend, or stand up and do something else. Seriously. You're not ready for closure yet and need more time to create some distance and perspective. I have a feeling you're rise above and realize that all the problems in the relationship were not your fault, that it's not because you're an obsessive girl, but because he simply either fell out of love, found something else, or is just a jerk and you don't need him anyway. Stay tough. Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 I know, Magichands - it's NC from his point of view as he hasn't heard from me at all since the card. But yes, from the point of view of my healing, it hasn't been NC at all so maybe I've been stuck at "go" since day one? What do you mean things may get worse before they get better? Do you mean I may have to go through rejection all over again? I know that's a possibility but I'm hoping the passage of time will help, and the fact he is lonely and has had no luck on the dating front. He has never refused to talk to me or meet with me after we've broken up - this was our 4th break up (3 instigated by him, one by me) and in all 3 previous cases I initiated contact afterwards (as "friends") and we ended up back together, but I know this time he has convinced hinself I've got psycho tendencies which I feel may make it easier for him to hang up on me. It certainly has made it easier for him to move on. Are the two of you now so different that you think you have a chance to make it work? If he doesn't think so, of course you run the risk of being rejected again. Personally, I don't think there are enough changes. I mean, you are logging in to his dating-site account -- which pretty much is the same as stalking. If you two start up again, do you really believe deep down that the same problems won't resurface? Something tells me that you either need more time alone, or you need to find guys that don't cause the obsessive side of you to come up. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Personally, I don't think there are enough changes. I mean, you are logging in to his dating-site account -- which pretty much is the same as stalking. I take your point, but you're being unnecessarily harsh. Where does it say that she's logging in to his account?? If I'm wrong I won't admit it, I will just disappear from this thread in shame. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 Thanks CityBoy - everything you have said makes sense, I know the meeting could be a disaster, but I guess I'm holding on to the small hope that it won't be. He didn;t leave me for anyone so he's either a jerk (he is) or he fell out of love with me (he did) so yes, both. But I can't reason sensibly at the moment - maybe it's just today and it'll pass. Notmakingsense - you'e absolutely right, nothing has changed. Maybe nothing can ever change. This has happened in ALL my relationships, even a date I was arranging recently. He called to cancel - a legit reason - and suddenly all the old insecurities came out and I called him then texted then emailed... of course he lost interest. Even when I play it cool, one word, or the way I react to something just sets alarm bells off in them and that's the end of it. I know my behaviour verges on stalking and I stopped it for a good while but now it has started again, and it's like a compulsion, I can't do anything else. I'll keep coming here, at least it's distracting me from keeping tabs on him! That's the coolest typo I have sever een. Haha, yours is pretty cool too! Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 So... have you been logging in to his account??!! Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 I know you have spent a lot of time, effort, money on your issues -- but I think you need to spend more time. Sometimes deep-seated issues take years of work! I know, I've had my fair share. I'm not saying that you need to wait years to start dating, but you have to make enough improvements in your own life such that needing others for validation is no longer necessary, and you definitely have to show progress with your own self-control by not virtually-stalking your ex. I would suggest that the best thing you can do for your own self-esteem is to prove to yourself that you don't need to go crawling back to your ex, that you are worthy of a man who wants you completely and of his own initiative. Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 So... have you been logging in to his account??!! Here is the text from the first post: In terms of getting over him, although I have technically been implementing NC, the reality is because I can access his account on the dating site, I have been able to keep track of his life. And as a result I seem to be going backwards. Most of us have done something like this -- it isn't a huge deal --but it is an indicator that miss snoopy isn't ready to return to contact/dating this guy yet. Many of us have to do things like delete entries from InstantMessenger, Cell Phones, and so on. Miss Snoopy -- here's a great test of your will. Send him a note telling him that you know his password and that he should change it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 So... have you been logging in to his account??!! (hangs head in shame) The dating site account, not his personal email account - I know it's the same thing really, but I'm also a member (albeit with a hidden profile) so I go there to see if there's anyone interesting and whenever I see he's been there recently, well it's hard to stop the complusion to see if he's been communicating with anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 NMS - I've tried so many overt hints to get him to change his password, even when we were dating, and he just doesn't seem to be able to see someone is acessing the account... the thing is if I write a note to him it won't stop me from going to the site as I have an account there and I can see his "activity" without accessing his account - if he's logged in that day I'd start imagine he's emailing one of the new members who's caught his eye and if he doesn't log in for a week or so, I'd be besides myself that he's dating someone - it has happened already, in fact was the trigger for this recent setback... I don't know, I've just dug myself into a really deep hole... you're right, maybe more therapy is what I need. Maybe I need a better therapist or else I'm going to end up single for ever :-( Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 NMS - I've tried so many overt hints to get him to change his password, even when we were dating, and he just doesn't seem to be able to see someone is acessing the account... the thing is if I write a note to him it won't stop me from going to the site as I have an account there and I can see his "activity" without accessing his account - if he's logged in that day I'd start imagine he's emailing one of the new members who's caught his eye and if he doesn't log in for a week or so, I'd be besides myself that he's dating someone - it has happened already, in fact was the trigger for this recent setback... I don't know, I've just dug myself into a really deep hole... you're right, maybe more therapy is what I need. Maybe I need a better therapist or else I'm going to end up single for ever :-( You know, I'm no therapist, but just reading the way you ended your post points to what the real issue is -- that you think you need a boyfriend/partner in your life to be happy. This just isn't true -- and it wasn't until I started to find moments of happiness all on my own that I started to make a breakthrough. I've read and heard the statement that it is only happy/fullfilled people who seem to attract the best men/women and get into great relationships. I think this is true, and if you think about it, you will probably remember that the times that you do the best at dating/meeting is when you are feeling good on the inside. I've also experienced first hand the saying that men/women seem to come in to your life during the times that you aren't even looking for them. Food for thought miss Snoopy -- Many of us are in the same boat as you. We'll all get there -- I promise! Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 Thanks for that NMS - maybe that's what I need to work on - I probably come across as needy and desperate and that's such a man-repellent! So plenty of work to do on myself and the pursuit of happiness (no reference to the cheesy Will Smith film on general release!) Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 - I probably come across as needy and desperate and that's such a man-repellent! Maybe you just haven't met the right needy and desperate person yet. Give it time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 Maybe you just haven't met the right needy and desperate person yet. Give it time. I have met a few - I just ignore their calls and take ages to email them back until they get the message. My friends tell me I need an intense, needy man but I disagree as I have never been attracted to one thus far. Ok time for a confession - I have been keeping up with what my ex has been up to in a very ridiculous manner. Please don't hang, draw and quarter me but I've been making up pseudo profiles on the site (a site like match.com) and contacting him, then bailing out when he asks for a pic (he has a pic on the site already) He is a paying member so can contact free members if they send him a notification of interest. I know it's pathetic and he'll be mortified if he knows he's been chatting to me on so many occasions (sometimes I find it funny that he's so gullible) This has helped me not contact him but I feel something has to give now as I can't do it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 I know it's pathetic and I think it's cute. Pathetic would be thinking he's gullible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 I think it's cute. Pathetic would be thinking he's gullible. What do you mean, Magichands? (having a blonde sunday) Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 What do you mean, Magichands? (having a blonde sunday) You think that's bad?! I'm blonde all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
al8765 Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Hey Miss Snoopy - I am an email/phone call/text person, whereas my ex was the opposite. So don't worry - you're not the only female out there who does that. Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Miss Snoopy, Don't beat yourself up. We all do things at some point in our lives we're ashamed of. But it is clear that this snooping around isn't doing you any good, and it gives a strong impression that you consider him more important than yourself. It's clear that you feel guilty, and maybe this guilt is what is keeping you attached to him??? Me too, I check the "activity" of my ex on a dating site. There's a part of holding on to him and getting jealous (I confess) but it also reminds me that he's looking for OTHER women. Yes, other, as in "not me". Anyway, I hope to be DONE with that sooner than later. I want him OUT of my system SO BAD. I do sympathize with your struggle and I know that "changing your ways" is easier said than done. But consider this. Imagine you contact him, go out and reconnect. Even imagine you end up sleeping with him and feeling again (at least for a moment) that wonderful affection you once shared. Then next day things go back to were they were after the break-up. It's broken! Then what? I just want to say, even if you would get together again, it's NEVER going to be the same... I's a dead horse. You have to mourn. Then put it to its grave. Sometimes we have to WANT to lift the veil. Acknowledge it is over. Living in reality isn't easy most of the time, but at least it is HONEST. Congratulations on coming clean with your snooping activities. It may be hard, but it's a first important step on a long road to recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts