magichands Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Congratulations on coming clean with your snooping activities. It may be hard, but it's a first important step on a long road to recovery. Agreed. A very important step. Your honesty rocks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 Cheers al8765, MagnoliaJane and Magichands. I still haven't told anyone in the real world... don't have the guts to. MagnoliaJane - re the snooping: I feel more than guilty, I think powerless and hopeless sum up how I feel. I've got to the point where I know I'm definitely going to break NC. I won't dare tell my family and friends as they'll be so disgusted I can't even bear to think what they'll say, but they don't have any idea how tortured I've been - I've attributed my stress to work. I feel like I'm letting down everyone who's helped me, and I certainly feel like I'm lettting myself down. But I'm determined to do it. I agree I'm attaching too much importance to him, but I need something to break the cycle. NC basically is not working for me as I cannot stay away from these other things, hard as I try. Contacting him from my point of view is not really breaking NC as NC was never there in the first place, if you know what I mean. I was only deceiving myself. By contacting him, I may get the trigger I need to either stop the snooping, or it may help me kick him off the pedestal as despite all the crap I went through, I can no longer make myself see him for what he is. True, he's looking for other women, but so am I (well, other men) I don't know where he is with regards his feelings for me - surely in the 3 months all the negative feelings would have diminished and we can be civil to each other? There's no chance of us getting together romantically, I know he won't be interested in that and I certainly am not. I can't even imagine kissing him. So... should I phone or email him? I know the answer is neither, but I'm going to have to do one or the other - this is affecting my job and I can't risk any problems there, we're at a stage at work where I need to be 100% focused so I'm doing this for my sanity, career, everything. Basically all I've done today is ruminate, check, obsess, and if this continues I'll be out of a job before I know it Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I agree I'm attaching too much importance to him, so I need something to break the cycle. NC basically is not working for me as I cannot stay away from these other things, hard as I try. Contacting him from my point of view is not really breaking NC as NC was never there in the first place, if you know what I mean. I was only deceiving myself. By contacting him, I may get the trigger I need to either stop the snooping, or it may help me kick him off the pedestal as despite all the crap I went through, I can no longer make myself see him for what he is. True, he's looking for other women, but so am I (well, other men) I don't know where he is with regards his feelings for me - surely in the 3 months all the negative feelings would have diminished and we can be civil to each other? There's no chance of us getting together romantically, I know he won't be interested in that and I certainly am not. I can't even imagine kissing him. So... should I phone or email him? I know the answer is neither, but I'm going to have to do one or the other - this is affecting my job and I can't risk any problems there, we're at a stage at work where I need to be 100% focused so I'm doing this for my sanity, career, everything. Basically all I've done today is ruminate, obsess, and if this continues I'll be out of a job before I know it I'm still not understanding what you expect to come out of a conversation. You already know why the two of you split up. What else could be said that will cause you to feel like you can move on -- another statement from him that he's definitely not interested? Take some time to play out in your head what he could say that would allow you to move on -- then take a stab at guessing the odds that this is what he'll actually say. Also... I don't really believe you when you say that you aren't interested in in getting back together romantically. This is why breaking contact has a very real chance of setting you back even further. It will just delay your healing process. If you insist on contacting him, it doesn't really matter if you choose e-mail or the phone. Phone is better because the written word is more easily misinterpreted than the spoken word. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 Notmakingsense - I should borrow your username for a bit! I know it doesn't make sense at all - I don't know why I'm thinking this way. The planned conversation is meant to be lighthearted with no reference to the relationship - a closure gesture. You've made a great suggestion - I will play the conversation in my head for a week and see how I get on. Email is fraught as I don't want to spend my time at work refreshing constantly - I know this is what I'd do. Maybe a tiny part of me wants us to get back together - buit I think I just want to know he doesn't hate me anymore. And to have some form of closure, as this worked in other relationships (although this is a bit different as it ended so acrimoniously) Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Notmakingsense - I should borrow your username for a bit! I know it doesn't make sense at all - I don't know why I'm thinking this way. The planned conversation is meant to be lighthearted with no reference to the relationship - a closure gesture. You've made a great suggestion - I will play the conversation in my head for a week and see how I get on. Email is fraught as I don't want to spend my time at work refreshing constantly - I know this is what I'd do. Maybe a tiny part of me wants us to get back together - buit I think I just want to know he doesn't hate me anymore. And to have some form of closure, as this worked in other relationships (although this is a bit different as it ended so acrimoniously) I'm sorry for being a hard-a$$ about this, but I think it is very important that you do take the time to think this through... Above, you say that a tiny part of you wants to get back together -- but I actually think it is a big part. Lets say that you have this friendly/light conversation with no reference to the relationship -- and you come away thinking that he doesnt hate you. Will that give you more hope that things can be re-kindled? Will that cause you to hope he'll call you to go out on some dates? How will things go from there? What if he doesnt respond, or what if he still doesn't pursue you after your friendly talk? Will you be more, or less, inclined to be thinking about him? Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Notmakingsense - I should borrow your username for a bit! I know it doesn't make sense at all - Yeah -- and that's why I chose my username, because last year, I was doing things that made no sense at all.... I had to learn the hard way, and now, I can only hope to help people avoid all the mistakes I made! Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 NMS - you've made some very good points. The reason he's not contacted me all this time is bacause he's terrified of me. Apparently. Scared of my psycho tendencies. So as well as what you've said, I feel me contacting him by phone will be like the reappearance of Chucky in Child's Play - email may give him time to think and not have a knee jerk reaction. But I may be devastated if he doesn't reply or replies very coldly/briefly. I will sleep on it and hopefully it will pass! And please keep on being a hard-a$$ - I need that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 Having thought about it some more, phoning and emailing directly are both hugely risky. How about a third way - I do a friendly group email to friends and update them on what I've been up to, and include him? After all it's not unusual to copy a group email to everyone in one's address boook without checking whose email is still active etc. Then the ball will be in his court and if he doesn't reply, then I can say I didn't really contact him... Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Don't do it! On the other hand, why not. Sneaky. No. Don't! He will see right through it. I guess you're going to anyway. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Having thought about it some more, phoning and emailing directly are both hugely risky. How about a third way - I do a friendly group email to friends and update them on what I've been up to, and include him? After all it's not unusual to copy a group email to everyone in one's address boook without checking whose email is still active etc. Then the ball will be in his court and if he doesn't reply, then I can say I didn't really contact him... Hmmm.... I don't think this is the way to go. If it is a group e-mail and he doesn't respond, then you will think to yourself that he didn't respond because it was generic, but he might respond to a direct mail.... and you will continue to drive yourself crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 Well, I think it's better than the humiliation of him not replying to a direct email, or being cold on the phone. I don't think he'll neccessarily see through it, after all I've not been in touch for 3 months, very unusual - in tha past when we've fought or broken up I've been in touch within days and he kinda got used to that and was always receptive to my contact. Why would he harden his heart and not reply this time? Especially as I'm not asking for anything? If he's 100% over me then he should be able to treat me like any old friend or aquaintance, and if he isn't, well, the residual feelings he has will make him want to at least say hello back, don't you think? Unless he hates me :-( If he doesn't respond to the group email, I'll leave it, as I did after he didn't respond to my card. Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 None of this really matters -- what matters is what you will do if he contacts you. Will you be content that he still cares for you but continue to move on without him, or will that increase the desire to get back together with him? Is getting back together with him a good thing or a bad thing? If him contacting you really doesn't change things, and him not-contacting you after you try is devastating, then it seems to me that you should start thinking about true NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 I think knowing he still cares for me will help a great dal and will help me move on without him. I can't get back together with him as I want kids and he doesn't - that is non negotiable and I spent a lot of the relationship trying to indirectly convince him even though we only dated for months. That sort of overt planning ahead is something I do all the time and I'm learning to reign in. So getting back together with him will be a huge step backwards for me. i Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 contd... I agreed to rekindle the relationship as I naively thought I could change him, now I know it's not going to happen anytime soon. I feel I need to do something "different" before I can start true NC. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Knowing he still cares for me and doesn't hate me will help me greatly. Why is what he thinks so important to you? You're just wasting more time on a dead-end pursuit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 Oops, I clicked on send accidentally! I meant to say? I think knowing he still cares for me will help a great deal and will help me move on without him. I can't get back together with him as I want kids and he doesn't - that is non negotiable and I spent a lot of the relationship trying to indirectly convince him even though we only dated for months. That sort of overt planning ahead is something I do all the time and I'm learning to reign in. So getting back together with him will be a huge step backwards for me. I broke up with him becasue of this but agreed to to rekindle the relationship as I naively thought I could change him, now I know it's not going to happen anytime soon. I feel I need to do something "different" before I can start true NC. ps: MagicHands, You're right, I don't know why I'm flogging a very dead horse... Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I think knowing he still cares for me will help a great dal and will help me move on without him. I can't get back together with him as I want kids and he doesn't - that is non negotiable and I spent a lot of the relationship trying to indirectly convince him even though we only dated for months. That sort of overt planning ahead is something I do all the time and I'm learning to reign in. So getting back together with him will be a huge step backwards for me. i If you really believe this deep-down, then Ok -- its just that I'm not sure I quite believe it. It doesn't match the behavior of checking the on-line dating site and all that. Just be honest with yourself and go into contact with your eyes wide open. I really wish you the best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 Thanks, Notmakingsense - excuse all the typos, I should be in bed! Fingers crossed I don't get burned... Link to post Share on other sites
daisydo Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Miss Snoopy: Loving your username. You seem like such a smart, astute, well-read person. Your wide vocabulary and hilarious references impressed me a great deal. It seems like you are feeling a wide variety of emotions and they are swinging around back and forth in your head. I know how that feels. When you do contact him (I recommend you do but make a promise to yourself that this is absolutely IT) take whatever happens and make that the period on the end of this chapter in your life. If he continues to contact and real changes and progress are made (seems like a rather slim chance) you can add another period until it turns into an ellipses. But always be prepared for it to be a period and nothing more. This situation strikes really close to home for me - I feel like I can be an obsessive, nosy, paranoid person in relationships as well. A lot of the time it is a joint effort - boyfriend isn't meeting my needs, and I am not communicating my needs effectively. Emotions begin popping out in odd ways and all hell begins to break loose. I am reading a book on communication and am finding it enlightening. The book is called "People Skills" by Robert Bolton and it was recommended here on LS by a poster. Let me know how the contact goes. I am really interested in hearing what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Hi Miss Snoopy. It took my ex 5 months before he replied to my contact. We broke up in August of last year, and I sent him about 5 e-mails- some lengthy, some light... shortly after x-mas he contacted me and we had dinner. The problem was that I had hoped we might reconcile- but as you mentioned, I think the reason he felt safe to reach out to me was because he was over me. We've exchanged a few friendly e-mails since then- but have never actually had any conversations about our relationship. So- perhaps getting a reply may require some patience from you. Like you- my ex was really angry with me when he left me, so it took time for him to let go of that anger and talk to me again. I think you need to decide what you want from the contact- if it's reconciliation, it's possible you are setting yourself up for a set back. If it's just closure or some forgiveness- then that may be the best thing you can get from it. Always, always be prepared that you might not get a response... or you might get an angry one. So if you have certain expectations, please wait before contacting him. You have to go into the contact without expectations, that's very important. Let us know how it works out for you! D Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 Miss Snoopy: Loving your username. You seem like such a smart, astute, well-read person. Your wide vocabulary and hilarious references impressed me a great deal. Hi daisydo! Thanks for the compliments, I'm blushing now! I intend making the contact as you said, the beginning of the end. I don't think I can ever trust him, even if he comes out with lots of promises. I think he knew he could not keep up the act and that's why he broke it off, my so-called psycho act happened after he said he didn't want to continue the relationship so it's very strange that he keeps telling people he left me because of it. You're right our obsessive, paranoid behaviour must be triggered by something - he certainly wasn't meeting my needs and I knew he was still in regular contact with his ex which I could not come to terms with. I will check out the book you mentioned on Amazon, it sounds right up my street! Hi Miss Snoopy. The problem was that I had hoped we might reconcile- but as you mentioned, I think the reason he felt safe to reach out to me was because he was over me. Your story gave me hope we can have a civil meeting. However I fear like you there's a part of me wanting him to want me back, but then if he feels able to meet up with me because he's completely over me, then there's no chance of that. If he isn't, he may be crabby and irritable (has happened before) I too intend not having any discusions about the relationship. mainly because I've spent the last 3 months analyzing every aspect of the relationship (using his emails self help books, therapy etc) and I now fully understand what was going on in both our heads and in our relationship. He probably hasn't done this so whatever he says may not be well thought out. Discussing the relationship is only useful if there'll be a reconciliation which won't happen. I remembered how my ex left my apartment that night - he gave me a kiss on the cheek after I said "so... is that it?" I asked if he was going to keep in touch and he said he didn't know, and I asked if I could call him and he said "yes, if you want to". That was our last conversation. So he didn't slam the door shut, but by ignoring the card, I suppose he did... Anyway thanks everyone for your input, much appreciated. I will keep you posted! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Please please, please do not say any of the following which I have been trying, unsuccessfully - Take up a hobby Go out with friends See a counsellor Avoid checking out his profile on the site Distract yourself with books, TV, LS, bubble bath etc etc Well what you haven't been doing as far as I can tell is WORKING OUT. Working out does several things. It makes you feel more energetic. It helps stave off depression (endophins help fight depression). It makes you look better thus you feel better about yourself. Honestly if nothing else is working, start doing at least 1 hour of cardio every day and do not skimp or skip a workout. I can tell you it's done wonders for me as far as keeping me happy and when I look in the mirror I can smile and say "hey dude, you look good!" Try it. It works. I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 I would, Caliguy, if I wasn't so darn lazy! I bought some exercise videos so I may try that this week. It's way too cold to jog and I gave up my gym membership a couple of months ago as I never went - I hate gyms! I'm lucky that I am naturally slim but I really should exercise for my own health and well being. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I would, Caliguy, if I wasn't so darn lazy! I bought some exercise videos so I may try that this week. It's way too cold to jog and I gave up my gym membership a couple of months ago as I never went - I hate gyms! I'm lucky that I am naturally slim but I really should exercise for my own health and well being. Even if you are already in good shape, excercise is as good for your mental health as it is for your physical health. Remember, endorphins help stave off depression, keeps you chipper and more energetic. Those benefits alone should help motivate you to rejoin a gym and work out Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted January 28, 2007 Author Share Posted January 28, 2007 Still not joined a gym, Caliguy, but I'e been walking a lot more! I've decided to ring him this evening. Dunno how he's going to react, he may not even answer the phone and I'll feel silly, but it's now or never... Edit: slowly chickening out. May postpone to tomorrow or tuesday. If I haven't done it by wednesday, I'm not going to! Link to post Share on other sites
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