About to break NC...

[lindya]

I bought a book - Obsessive love - and I realise I'm an obsessive girlfriend. Very controlling, very demanding, thrives best when there's drama, if there's none, makes up some. Insecure without cause - which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy when he leaves. I think about how every relationship I've had has ended with the guys falling out of love, even like, and leaving, only to see I wasn't that bad and they've been friendly to me months/years later - so far no exception. So I must be very difficult to be with (suffocating?) as a partner as if I was 100% evil they won't want to know at all.

 

So my problem isn't as a person, but in relationships. And I know how easy it is to make my ex out as the baddie in our relationship, but I did a lot to ruin things.

 

So.. I have decided something's got to give. No ex has come back wanting another chance (except this one, just before our final break up) clearly because I don't leave them with that loving feeling so there aren't the great memories that bring people back.

 

You are so down on yourself. Seriously - I'm all for people taking personal responsibility, but it sounds as though you're going quite overboard with it. Diagonosing yourself as obsessive, talking about not leaving exes with the loving feeling etc. A lot of men will stay in a relationship until they're absolutely certain they don't love the woman. Ask any of those men whether they regret ending a relationship, and it's highly unlikely that they'll respond "no - I still love her."

So why personalise it? Why keep telling yourself "there's something wrong with me...I don't leave men with these feelings..."? How many people do leave exes with strong, loving feelings? Some perhaps - but in far more cases, the relationship ended because the feelings had died.

 

Will meeting with your ex help you to accept the demise of the relationship without beating yourself up about it, or will it just enhance these worthless "there's something wrong with me..." feelings? I'd be very worried that it would only achieve the latter. What can someone who has rejected you from their life possibly give you that would be positive? Even the nicest people play the blame game at the end of relationships; deliberately or inadvertently try to make the other person feel as though things didn't work out because there was something wrong with them. Given your tendency to accept blame, you'd be ripe for your ex projecting any feelings of guilt or failure he might have (ie for the relationship not working out) onto you.

 

If you feel you need your ex to help you resolve this situation, then essentially what you're saying is that you still need your ex. You said that you've resolved previous relationships breakdowns by meeting up the relevant guys. Maybe it's time to break the pattern of "needing to do that for closure" and develop a bit of confidence in your ability to get that closure without the assistance of people who decided they didn't need you in their life. Difficult as it might be, I promise you that you'll feel a much better, stronger, self-respecting person at the end of it.

[miss snoopy]

Thanks for this, Lindya. I wish I could feel I've gone overboard with the self blame, but when you get to mid thirties and all your relationships have lasted weeks or months with the guy walking, and same guys have previuosly had or gone on to have successful LTR/marriages, well... I'm pretty sure if if one of my exes comes and posts here and describes me, people would encourage him to end the relationship.

 

I know I have self esteem issues but while these cause problems like holding on to dead relationships post break up, they lead to so many difficulties in the relationship. My ex wanted this relationship so much, I could tell from what he said to his parents and friends.. but within a few weeks I had started dictating the pace and flow of the relationship. I do this all the time, we'll be just 2/3 weeks in and I have to organise his diary and activities. Job's not good enough, here are a few sugestions to get a better one. How about changing your awful haircut? No, we can't do xyz as it's not my idea, this is what we're going to do tomorrow, next week, next month... that's ignoring my general irritability and fault finding in every comment. Something must be wrong if boyfriends have to tell you to relax more than once a week, or ask where your sense of fun is.

 

I know it'll be a very patient man to go the distance, which is what I wanted him to do. I know I need to work on myself, but it's easier said than done and it'll take ages as it stems from my difficult childhood where I was invisible in a large dysfunctional family. I needed to do 200% more to get validation and I learnt naughty behaviour got you noticed quicker than good behaviour, which are taken for granted. Did all this stuff at high school and got kicked out. Luckily got my act together at and it all worked out well - it seems to have righted itself in all areas of my life except relationships.

 

Anyway... your post has given me food for thought. I'm now 100% certain I don't want to go back with him but I need this closure, if I don't get it I'm going to obsess about it forever. And this obsession is affecting my work so I need to take drastic action. But I may end up just postponing it until I can't be bothered, so there's hope!

[lindya]

I know I have self esteem issues but while these cause problems like holding on to dead relationships post break up, they lead to so many difficulties in the relationship. My ex wanted this relationship so much, I could tell from what he said to his parents and friends.. but within a few weeks I had started dictating the pace and flow of the relationship. I do this all the time, we'll be just 2/3 weeks in and I have to organise his diary and activities. Job's not good enough, here are a few sugestions to get a better one. How about changing your awful haircut? No, we can't do xyz as it's not my idea, this is what we're going to do tomorrow, next week, next month... that's ignoring my general irritability and fault finding in every comment. Something must be wrong if boyfriends have to tell you to relax more than once a week, or ask where your sense of fun is.

 

Wow! Don't know what you do for a living, but it sounds as though you need something that will challenge you and utilise all that energy and organisational ability.

 

Anyway - boyfriend wise you probably need to find the kind of guy who finds it hard to motivate himself, but is happy to be pushed by others into bettering himself. Remember that however much other people present themselves as perfect, well-functioning members of society, we all have our strange foibles...and sometimes it's just a case of accepting who you are, focusing on curbing the extreme bits and finding someone whose strange little quirks and foibles are compatible with your own.

 

Out of interest, how long does it generally take you to realise you've gone OTT in trying to control things? A couple of hours? Couple of days? Weeks? Ideally you'll somehow find a way of speeding up the process to the point where you can catch (and stop yourself) from doing it. That involves - as you already know - being honest with other people. Saying "I've a tendency to take over at times. It's just my temperament, but if it gets too much please let me know."

[miss snoopy]

Wow! Don't know what you do for a living, but it sounds as though you need something that will challenge you and utilise all that energy and organisational ability.

 

Lindya - I'll send you a pm with what I do for a living, don't want to post it up here, but I think I have found my calling

 

This is the first break up that has led to proper introspection - in the past I didn't beat myself up, very far from it, I just blamed the guy and immersed myself in another relationship. Often these "relationships" weren't real ones, for e.g. once Richard Gere, bless his cotton socks, helped me get over a break up as I was going to marry him (I was in my 20s then, incredibly!) People around me thought it was a huge joke but they weren't privy to the obsessing, stomach churning, the hate towards the woman he was dating etc. If I knew where he lived I would have found a reason to have lunch in the area... you get the picture. It passed when I started a real relationship but he wasn't the first or last celebrity "crush", if you could call it that when it involves a twenty-something year old..

 

Out of interest, how long does it generally take you to realise you've gone OTT in trying to control things? A couple of hours? Couple of days? Weeks?

 

That's the problem - I don't realise what I'm doing until the relationship ends or is under threat. I feel I've gained so much of my current insight from this break up - from this site, reading books, even from my therapist (whom I don't really rate). My ex always said "you're not even listening" when he tried to point these things out (I just talked over him and argued)

 

Too late.. but I believe things happen for a reason. He is a commitmentphobe so just as well the whole thing didn't drag on too long, as I would have wasted years of my life waitiing for him to give me more than he could. I will try what you suggest in my next relationship - hopefully with a real, available person!

[lindya]

Lindya - I'll send you a pm with what I do for a living, don't want to post it up here, but I think I have found my calling

 

 

I'd say so!

[magichands]

I hope you're not a "life coach." That would suck.

[MagnoliaJane]

Miss Snoopy,

 

I really agree with Lindya that you are beating yourself up way too much. It even looks like you esteem him higher than yourself. I'm sure he has his flaws too, and remember there may be a lot more beneath the "surface" of a person than you know (referring here to dishonesty). I'm talking about appearances. Isn't dishonesty the worst of all flaws? So you may be demanding and controlling and... While I agree these are all things you should work on, it doesn't mean you can only be "saved" by his approval of you as a person or by his approval of your former behavior in your relationship.

 

If you judge yourself through the eyes of others you are in for more suffering along the road of life.

 

I found it interesting what you wrote about your family and how you had to "win" their attention. Perhaps you can focus a little more on that?

 

What I want to say is: focus on yourself a little while. Grow a bit more emotionally confident. Then contact him. He's not going to run away, so there's no rush.

[miss snoopy]

Magichands - no, I'm not a life coach - never even met one!

 

Magnolia Jane - thanks, I think I need to do that, keep postponing the "contact" until I'm emotionally ready. This thread is helping as whenever I plan to do it I come here instead. I wish I found this site ages ago but hey, better now than never! I have a hot date this week so we'll see how that goes, maybe I won't want to contact him if things develop with mystery man

[miss snoopy]

Well.. I did it. And I must say, I feel a lot better already. I followed it up with a brief email (which I expect he'll ignore, fair enough, I said my final goodbye and that I won't be contacting him again in the email, and a few other things I wanted to say on the phone but but didn't) and that's it - the end.

 

It went much better than I thought - I phoned him from my new phone, so he didn't know it was me calling. He was clearly shocked to hear from me and we had a fairly long and friendly catching up chat. Then I screwed it up by bringing up the relationship and pushing him for answers to stuff I'd clearly pre-analysed and he had pushed to the back of his mind. I also asked him if he wanted to meet up sometime. Big mistake, I know. That's how I was when we were together, ultra pushy and I need to do more work to stop that side rearing its ugly head up in future relationships.

 

He was clearly getting uncomfortable and said he was a little irked I was pushing him to discuss awkward things when he hadn't been expecting to hear from me. Don't think he's quite over the relationship, as he said seeing me again will set him back in a big way. He prevaricated some... and then said he couldn't do this, that he had to go (yeah I know, I should've been the one to end the call) I asked him if this was "it" and he said he didn't know (which probably means yes) He kept saying he had put the whole thing behind him and that I hurt him really badly.

 

Well.. I feel I've got my closure and I don't think I want to continue this any longer. I don't feel the anger and uncertainty I felt earlier on. I have a little smile on my face and a tiny spring in my step. Hope it lasts longer than today! I feel like I got some control back.

 

(And he called me Snoop not Snoopy - of course it isn't my real name! But he never called me Snoop when he was mad at me so that litttle detail meant a lot)

 

Must say a big thanks to everyone who posted here and on my previous threads. I think this is finally IT!

[magichands]

Must say a big thanks to everyone who posted here and on my previous threads. I think this is finally IT!

For today, maybe. Haha.

[alasia]

Must say a big thanks to everyone who posted here and on my previous threads. I think this is finally IT!

Stick to it. I say this every day and end up contacting my ex - if he cares about you, he'll come to you. Then you can shoot him down. HA!

Not that I'm advocating such behaviour, of course

[AriaIncognito]

The spring in your step, unfortunately, is called contact.

 

I broke it off with my ex this week, and believe it or not, I felt fine that night, because I had just left his arms! I had just been kissed and hugged by him, and was still reeling from at least being in the same room.

 

Unfortunately this feeling wears off, and we become alone with our thoughts and emotions, and well, we start checking their profiles online and whatnot again (yes I'm guilty of that too and it needs to stop because all it does is keep me from moving forward - sometimes I wonder if we dont keep ourselves from moving forward intentionally, so that they can come back as we hope).

 

I truly hope for you that this spring in your step truly is the mark of feeling some closure and moving forward.

 

Either way, at least LS is always here...

[magichands]

The spring in your step, unfortunately, is called contact.

I fear it, too.

[RocketMan2]

sometimes I wonder if we dont keep ourselves from moving forward intentionally, so that they can come back as we hope

 

Guilty as charged. Thats exactly what im doing, but i cant stop it!

 

grrrrr

 

She doesnt love you rocket. She doesnt want you back. GET OVER IT!

 

I can't

[magichands]

She doesnt love you rocket. She doesnt want you back.

Maybe she does, but she doesn't know it, yet. Have you tried flowers?

 

Just kidding. No contact. Brings them back. Every time. No exceptions.

[AriaIncognito]

Maybe she does, but she doesn't know it, yet. Have you tried flowers?

 

Just kidding. No contact. Brings them back. Every time. No exceptions.

 

It does indeed seem to bring them back, but that knowledge gives false hope to those that want to believe they'll get their happy ending with that person. I'm guilty of it. I mean heck, he's come back 3 times. My brain knows this time isn't any different unless *I* make it different. If he comes back again, I have to only allow it on my terms. And well, I don't even know that that should occur, considering.

 

Go NC, but do it to heal, not to win anyone back. Winning them back can put you back here, and here sucks!

[alasia]

I don't think it would bring them back if the dumper *put* you on NC, as my ex did with me. He kept asking for space, he didn't get it, we carried on seeing each other and me staying over at his place occasionally, then a few days ago we had an argument and he said he didn't want me to contact him for a while.

 

I'm doing it, of course there's a part of me that's hoping he'll miss me and want me back, but deep down I know we can't be together. We just wouldn't work unless he changed too, and he seems so unwilling to make any changes.

 

I can't see him missing me and wanting me back, because it's him that implemented the NC.

[magichands]

Go NC, but do it to heal, not to win anyone back. Winning them back can put you back here, and here sucks!

Great point, ariawoman.

[magichands]

I can't see him missing me and wanting me back, because it's him that implemented the NC.

I love that word - implemented. Makes it sound like there should have been a corresponding press-release.

[alasia]

Hehe...you know, I never even noticed I said that!

 

I had to re-read my post

[AriaIncognito]

Great point, ariawoman.

 

Now if only I'll take my own advice....lol

 

I'm trying. Day by day....

[AriaIncognito]

I love that word - implemented. Makes it sound like there should have been a corresponding press-release.

 

Implement this, magic ;-)

[Teacher's Pet]

Implement this, magic ;-)

 

I love when she gets all feisty.

 

-tp

that's mah buddy!

[miss snoopy]

You're absolutely right, Ariawoman... the temporary high was from contact. He emailed me back and once again managed to turn me into the bad guy in this brief contact. Instead of sleeping on his reply and eventually ignoring it, I emailed back and said my final goodbye (a shorter email than his) and he has not replied - the email didn't invite a reply but I know he has decided to go back to NC. I don't know how to feel - if we had left it at the phone conversation would I be feeling better? Why did I send the first email? And why didn't he ignore it - he was clearly very upset by it, but he could have ignored it, and he didn't have to tell me that he thinks about me all the time. And why did I reply? It's all too late now, and I don't know if I really feel better for it... only time will tell. Feel a bit down at the moment.

[Am4Real]

It does indeed seem to bring them back, but that knowledge gives false hope to those that want to believe they'll get their happy ending with that person. I'm guilty of it. I mean heck, he's come back 3 times. My brain knows this time isn't any different unless *I* make it different. If he comes back again, I have to only allow it on my terms. And well, I don't even know that that should occur, considering.

 

Go NC, but do it to heal, not to win anyone back. Winning them back can put you back here, and here sucks!

 

I don't think it would bring them back if the dumper *put* you on NC, as my ex did with me. He kept asking for space, he didn't get it, we carried on seeing each other and me staying over at his place occasionally, then a few days ago we had an argument and he said he didn't want me to contact him for a while.

 

I'm doing it, of course there's a part of me that's hoping he'll miss me and want me back, but deep down I know we can't be together. We just wouldn't work unless he changed too, and he seems so unwilling to make any changes.

 

I can't see him missing me and wanting me back, because it's him that implemented the NC.

 

I don't know how to feel - if we had left it at the phone conversation would I be feeling better? Why did I send the first email? And why didn't he ignore it - he was clearly very upset by it, but he could have ignored it, and he didn't have to tell me that he thinks about me all the time. And why did I reply? It's all too late now, and I don't know if I really feel better for it... only time will tell. Feel a bit down at the moment.

 

---------------------------------------------

 

Hmmm….

 

I think whenever we instigate NC by decision or have it forced upon us and don’t truly accept it as “forever” we are setting ourselves up for disappointment whether that be in our hopes that the other person will “miss us so much” or in time either person will desire the other and, any advances will be welcomed. Sure, these things happen. We have either heard of the stories or perhaps lived one, but equally or maybe more so the breakup sticks…the once upon a time couple is no more and can’t be…it’s never the same. If we all face this reality (me too unfortunately) and live in NC with no secret desires, we can in time move on and find whatever it is we need or desire.

 

Please know I understand how much easier this is to say than believe…tomorrow is three weeks for me but I am determined...