About to break NC...

[loveratud]

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Hmmm….

 

I think whenever we instigate NC by decision or have it forced upon us and don’t truly accept it as “forever” we are setting ourselves up for disappointment whether that be in our hopes that the other person will “miss us so much” or in time either person will desire the other and, any advances will be welcomed. Sure, these things happen. We have either heard of the stories or perhaps lived one, but equally or maybe more so the breakup sticks…the once upon a time couple is no more and can’t be…it’s never the same. If we all face this reality (me too unfortunately) and live in NC with no secret desires, we can in time move on and find whatever it is we need or desire.

 

Please know I understand how much easier this is to say than believe…tomorrow is three weeks for me but I am determined...

 

I think that not holding on when there's a decent chance things can work out is a mistake. Something you might regret for a long time. Until you get what you feel is final closure, giving up and walking away is going to be really hard.

 

Yesterday was three weeks for me but I am determined.... To be with her again someday.

[Am4Real]

I think that not holding on when there's a decent chance things can work out is a mistake. Something you might regret for a long time. Until you get what you feel is final closure, giving up and walking away is going to be really hard.

 

Yesterday was three weeks for me but I am determined.... To be with her again someday.

 

Both persons have to think that for it to work; if one of you do not then it would be false expectations on the part of whoever is holding out. Remember it is okay to "hope" but not to have any "expectations". NC manages expectations accordingly.

[miss snoopy]

Well I'm going through one of my toughest days yet post break up. I still don't know whether or not I regret the contact, but I'm very down. He didn't like the phone call or the email as I pushed and pouted, and now it's back to silence. This should be the clear sign for me to move on but it hurts so much, as someone said earlier it's like being rejected all over again. It won't have made a difference if I'd kept it light etc as he most likely would've stuck to his guns about continuing with NC. He said it just confuses things for him as he's still very attracted to me so can't cope with a face to face. He hasn't said no to email contact but he doesn't want us to chat on the phone as he finds that hard too... I'm just going to respect his decision and try and move on as best as I can. Don't really have a choice but at least I'll stop obsessing about breaking NC.

 

This whole thing has told me I was deceiving myself about not wanting him back. I want him back more than anything but it isn't going to happen - I just need time and support to accept this.

[Am4Real]

 

This whole thing has told me I was deceiving myself about not wanting him back. I want him back more than anything but it isn't going to happen - I just need time and support to accept this.

 

Were you the dumper or dumpee?

[miss snoopy]

Both.. we'd done the break-up/get back together thing 2ce (he ended it both times) but on both occasions I got him to change his mind in days and we got back together, so they never really felt like proper break-ups, more like breaks. The 3rd time, I ended it and we were split up for almost 6 weeks, but hung out/emailed/phoned/texted as friends. Then he said he couldn't do "friends" as the physical attraction was still there, and we had to either get back together or implement NC and I foolishly chose the former. He walked out less than 2 weeks later... and that was just over 3 months ago.

[notmakingsense]

Miss Snoopy --

 

Like me, it seems you are destined to learn this the hard way. Some of us are just stubborn!

 

If you can't let go of wanting him, then you can temporarily think of full NC as the best way to get him back. After you have been in full NC for a while, then your feelings will gradually start to fade enough that you can make the right decision should the opportunity present itself again.

[miss snoopy]

NMS - yes, that's what I really should do. Have given myself a 2 week recovery period with the assistance of a self help book I bought which has basically that, a 2 week plan with exercises in it. I sent him a very brief email today as I'd enclosed some pics y'day which he didn't acknowledge in his reply, I asked him why (in a light hearted way) Of course as soon as I clicked on send I knew I'd made a mistake but I was past caring, that's what breaking NC does!

 

So.. to recap: I called him, then sent an email, he replied, I sent another email, then sent another very brief one. I haven't heard from him since his reply.

 

I know he was still looking for someone dating-wise thursday before last, but now I'm wondering if he has found someone in the last 10 days? I really hoped we could meet up even for a drink. Maybe I had unrealistic expectations, that he'd come running back as he did in the past, but as he said in his email he has actively tried to block me from his thinking and clearly is a bit ??? following my call - he asked me what I hoped to get by calling him 2ce during the conversation.

[notmakingsense]

2 weeks won't be enough. You need to think in longer terms. More like 2 to 4 months of NC. Stop thinking of this as trying to save the existing relationship. Instead, think of this as getting prepared for your next relationship. Maybe that next relationship will be with him, but maybe it won't.

 

He may be dating, or he may not be. After being NC for a while, you should be having fun with your friends and maybe dating a little on your own. This is all designed to clear your head enough so that you can properly think of the way forward.

[miss snoopy]

I know.. it's so hard. I feel like crap right now. Just checked my emails, he replied with one sentence, no hello or goodbye, and has ignored my email about the pics... his reply was so cold.. I'm in so much pain I can't deal with it, just crying my eyes out.. why is he doing this???

[miss snoopy]

OK.. I've decided to come clean to him about my snooping, and all the stuff I found out from his emails. I know this will be the final nail on the coffin, but I feel that now there is no hope for a reconciliation, it's best to come clean and let him know what my paranoia was about and where my insecurity came from. He'll probably get defensive and angry, but then I'll know that'll be it. It still feels like unfinished business at the moment - from his one sentence email - "that's fine, have a good week" - no kisses, no hi - he has clearly severed the lines of communication so I can't even hope for friendly emails every now and then.

 

He hasn't activated his profile for 10 days which is unusual but he said he'd been busy doing one thing or other when I spoke to him. Who knows, maybe there was a girl in the background? Jeez, this is torture! Am I catastrophizing? Was his reply so bad? Why did he not comment on the pics? Maybe he didn't like them, or he suspects I'm just fishing for compliments to give me some hope which he'll rather not provide? Any opinion on this gratefuly received"

 

And is the "coming clean" email a terrible idea? I'll say I don't want a reply so I don't expect one. I've drafted it and plan to send it towards the end of the week, just before I start my 2 week recovery programme (NMS, it's 2 weeks to begin with then for life, a bit like a detox then healthy eating programme)

 

I now feel this contact was a bad idea. I should have listened you all of you... please help!

[notmakingsense]

M.S. - Even though you say you don't expect a reply, don't compound this by sending another e-mail. It doesn't really matter right now if you come clean or not. Just stop doing it. Stop looking at his profiles, MySpace pages, whatever. Just don't do it.

 

It really sounds like you need to get out of the house and doing things with friends or family. You need diversions now. You should be doing whatever you can to STOP thinking about him and the relationship.

 

From now on, whenever you catch yourself beginning to think of him -- pinch yourself and get yourself busy doing something.

 

It is hardest in the beginning, but it gets better. And when it does start getting better, don't make the mistake that it means you can contact him without going backwards -- it will take months (some folks years) before you can get to this point.

[polywog]

This is a great thread. I have been doing NC for almost a month now, which has recently become LC (very limited, I did all the contacting around some necessary things like getting help to pay our dog's vet bill). I am the dumpee from a 9yr LTR. I started seeing a therapist, and she seemed surprized that I was not in contact with my SO. I got the feeling she thought we should be talking. I feel a little derailed by this. Like many of you have described, I am trying to get over the holding onto hope stuff, and the therapist, who seems very good, kind of fed into this. I don't mean to hijack the thread, but what do you all say to this? Thanks.

[miss snoopy]

You know, NMS, it took posting on Alasia's thread for me to realise what I'm doing, feeding the obsession. I think about him even when I'm with people, but it's better than being in front of the computer or by the phone. I won't send the email. If I feel like sending one I'll find something to distract myself.

 

I've now told myself - he didn't close the door with that last email or with the call (I'm soon going on hols and on the phone he jokingly said to send him a postcard - I won't) but I will shut it by implementing NC from now on. I will consider it a good thing that our last contact was pleasant, and will move on. Starting from this evening.

 

Thanks for all your help, NMS. Just one final thing - what do you think about my sending the pics, then an email about them and him ignoring them? Just want to not obsess about this endlessly!

[notmakingsense]

Alot of therapists are in the business of saving relationships, not helping people get past them. Why is the therapist surprised? You need to get your money's worth and ask her specifically why contact would be good.

[polywog]

Alot of therapists are in the business of saving relationships, not helping people get past them. Why is the therapist surprised? You need to get your money's worth and ask her specifically why contact would be good.

 

That's a great point NMS, thanks.

[notmakingsense]

Thanks for all your help, NMS. Just one final thing - what do you think about my sending the pics, then an email about them and him ignoring them? Just want to not obsess about this endlessly!

 

At this point, I think he was ignoring as a preferred method to getting you to stop contact. Think of this as good for you, because with every little reply he gives you, you over-analyze -- and that makes it harder for you to stop thinking about him.

 

You know what, LS is a great place to come vent -- but as long as you are on here -- you know you are thinking about him. Why don't you start your healing by logging off for a while. I'm wondering if LS is hurting more than helping?

[alasia]

You know, NMS, it took posting on Alasia's thread for me to realise what I'm doing, feeding the obsession. I think about him even when I'm with people, but it's better than being in front of the computer or by the phone. I won't send the email. If I feel like sending one I'll find something to distract myself.

 

Well, at least I helped someone! Hehe...

 

You know, there's a part of me that wishes we could have ended on good terms. I should have stayed with the NC when he gave me his new number on Friday night, maybe then in a few weeks we could have tried contacting each other again?

 

Now he hates me...I really wish he didn't and I still hope that in a couple of months or whatever we'll get back in touch and maybe become friends - or at least civil - and he'll want to be involved with the baby, but I really can't see that happening. Can anyone else?

 

Oh one last thing - on the phone earlier I said I thought if I'd have given him the space he asked for in the first week of our break (back at the start of January), we might have been on better terms now and maybe be friends or back together. He said "no...becuase you haven't changed. You're crazy".

 

Do you think this means he honestly did never want to get baack together and was stringing me along all this time, or is he just saying it to hurt me and get me to stop contacting him once and for all?

[miss snoopy]

At this point, I think he was ignoring as a preferred method to getting you to stop contact. Think of this as good for you, because with every little reply he gives you, you over-analyze -- and that makes it harder for you to stop thinking about him.

 

You know what, LS is a great place to come vent -- but as long as you are on here -- you know you are thinking about him. Why don't you start your healing by logging off for a while. I'm wondering if LS is hurting more than helping?

 

Yeah, that's what I thought. Also if he said they were lovely, I could hold on to that and maybe send more, if he said they weren't, I'll want a reason. He just saw through it I suppose. Feel really silly sending them now.

 

LS helps me not feel depressed about it all, a bit like group therapy. At the moment as it's all so fresh, and nothing distracts me as I think of him 24/7 (oddly he said the same to me in his email) but from tomorrow I'll try not to come here and get busy doing stuff. I really should accept this as closure. I just miss him so much

[notmakingsense]

Oh one last thing - on the phone earlier I said I thought if I'd have given him the space he asked for in the first week of our break (back at the start of January), we might have been on better terms now and maybe be friends or back together. He said "no...becuase you haven't changed. You're crazy".

 

Do you think this means he honestly did never want to get baack together and was stringing me along all this time, or is he just saying it to hurt me and get me to stop contacting him once and for all?

 

You can't tell for sure. Just remember that the other person involved is raising their walls and trying to protect themselves also. Sometimes they make statements that stretch the truth because they are hurt.

 

It sounds like both you guys (Alasia and Miss Snoopy) need to take some dramatic measures to eliminate contact and do what you can to take your minds off things and heal. We are here to help you.

[alasia]

Me and Miss Snoopy seem very similar...what upsets me is how he can be so hurtful (even saying stuff about my family) when he said he loved me only a month ago, and that he still had feelings a couple of weeks ago.

 

Feelings don't disappear that quickly do they?! I mean ok you can love someone to bits but realise you don't want to/can't be with them, but surely if his feelings have actually disappeared and now he hates me, then they can't have been that strong in the first place?

 

Believe it or not, having answers to questions like this will help me move on and heal...it's just he refuses to answer them!

 

ETA: I'm lucky, in the sense that I can avoid my ex (still can't get used to calling him that...) - he's a bus driver but most of his routes are in the next town from mine.

He only comes into my town on a friday and saturday night, and I know next week he has next Friday and Saturday off work - so that's at least one clear week where I won't have any opportunities to see him!

 

Then it's one week down...40-something to go! Hehe.

 

The only time I'd see him is if I got work in Stafford (on a friday and saturday he drives the bus that goes between Stafford and my home town) or had to go there sometime - and he only does two buses during that night, leaving stafford at 8.15 and 10.15 (it's silly that I still know this!), so I could always catch the 9.15 bus home I guess.

[notmakingsense]

Me and Miss Snoopy seem very similar...what upsets me is how he can be so hurtful (even saying stuff about my family) when he said he loved me only a month ago, and that he still had feelings a couple of weeks ago.

 

Feelings don't disappear that quickly do they?! I mean ok you can love someone to bits but realise you don't want to/can't be with them, but surely if his feelings have actually disappeared and now he hates me, then they can't have been that strong in the first place?

 

Believe it or not, having answers to questions like this will help me move on and heal...it's just he refuses to answer them!

 

I think that hearing reasons from your ex is overrated. Most of the time, you already know the answer if you think about it hard enough, you just want to have 'one more' opportunity for them to change their minds and say something you want to hear.

 

More often than not, the ex won't give you any new information, so further contact won't help you heal anyway. All you need to know is that they don't want you now. That is all the closure necessary for you to move on.

[alasia]

I suppose that's true, thanks

[miss snoopy]

OK.. I'm going to let this whole thing go now as I think I have my closure. I'm no longer sad or tearful and thanks to everyone (especially NMS) for their help. I realise there are only 4 possible scenarios:

 

Scenario 1 - he agrees to one or more face to face contacts. Bad idea. This whole exchange has shown me neither of us are completely over the relationship. We would have ended up either kissing or being really awkward around each other. Then what? Face to face means much higher expectations. Much harder to walk away. He did the right thing saying no.

 

Scenario 2 - we continue as email buddies, like he is with his ex. Who is still single and waiting, after 2 years. I'm worth a lot more than some guy's back up/reserve and he knows it. Knowing that when we were together she thought he was single, I won't be able to handle his stories of his day to day life and will always be paranoid he's seeing someone. So he did the right thing nipping this in the bud. And she's on another continent anyway, and don't speak on the phone, so they're not really friends, they're penpals. I don't need or want a penpal.

 

Scenario 3 - we rekindle our relationship. What about the kids issue? Still there, wont change. He has huge commitment problems, doesn't believe in marriage or cohabitation, thinks marriage is responsible for the world's unhappiness etc etc. He didn't change for me then and won't now. As well as the random lies, and lack of trust on my part which was partially justified. He knows this relationship is a dead horse and I now honestly accept this. We both have to let go of the fantasy of what could be - he has already, I have tonight.

 

Scenario 4 - we part in peace, accept we're too different to date, accept a friendship is impossible at theis stage, hold on to the good memories and move on with no hard feelings.

 

It's a no brainer, isn't it?

[notmakingsense]

It's a no brainer, isn't it?

 

Good for you M.S. -- although our hearts turn what should be a no-brainer into something complicated, once we can back off and listen to our brains, the way forward becomes much clearer. Good luck, you are on the right track!

[alasia]

we part in peace, accept we're too different to date, accept a friendship is impossible at theis stage, hold on to the good memories and move on with no hard feelings.

 

Wish me and my ex could have done that