His female friend wants to break us up

[bumblebee1]

I'll try not to make this too long, I just in dire need of some advice. I am 23, my boyfriend is 26. We've been together 7 years, since I was about 15 or 16. We haven't been together the entire 7 years, there were a few times we've broken up in the past, dated other people, and then got back together. There is this girl named Lindsay, who he has been friends with since high school. Their relationship kind of goes on and off, they'll talk for a few months one year, then never talk the next year. I found out a couple years ago that once while we were broken up (or he could have just been saying we were broken up, who knows I was away at school), he "almost" had sex with Lindsay. "Almost" meaning, everything-but. Ever since I found this out I've been furious with their so-called friendship. He wants to remain friends, but it just makes me sick. Oh, should I also mention that she hates my guts and has absolutely NO respect for me and Taylor's relationship AT ALL. They're conversations all start out the same: she asks "So, are you still with Andrea?" And he is partially to blame for that statement. I have recently found out that pretty much every time they talk, he's always telling her how he's about to end the relationship. Which puzzles me because our relationship will be fine at the time.

 

He also loves to tell people about all the drama in our relationship, and none of the positive. Over the course of 7 years our relationship has been about 80% good, 20% bad... thats just being honest. We've had ups and downs, but what relationship doesn't really. His friends, and espically Lindsey only know about the 20%. I've made mistakes in the past, acted like a fool or a jerk or whatever. Thats all I get credit for, is the times I've been a jerk to him. What about the good times? What about time times I catered to his ever need when he was sick, or fix his favorite meals, watch and enjoy sports with him, let him have me often, hand over the remote when he gets home from a hard day work, give him massages... these are things I do natrually because I love him, and he loves me for it.

 

Lindsay wants nothing more than for me and Taylor to break up, and this is not an exaggeration. She's told it to my face, and even to his face when he told her that he wanted to propose to me. She actually convinced him not to do it. I'm in no rush to get married or have kids, when the time is right - the time is right. But the fact that she has such little respect for our relationship, and always talks down on me about how much of a psycho bitch I am and how he needs to get rid of me... and the fact that he REFUSES to give her up as a friend... I need help. I would NEVER do this to him, and I guarantee if the situation was reversed he would break up with me for good. He would never put up with that kind of bologna from me, and I would never do that to him in the first place. By the way, Lindsay is married with 3 kids, and I asked him if possibly shes jealous of our relationship. I don't know what her problem is.

Talking to him about this is impossible (latley). If I try to tell him how I feel, we start out talking rationally and calm, but end up screaming at each other, things get thrown, tears all over the place. That’s how torn up I am about this. I'm not an angry person, and we don't argue too often, and I never throw things. But the other night I got so unbelievably mad I repeatedly banged my fist against a case of soda, breaking a few and cutting my hand. All over this girl, Lindsay. I'm so embarissed by my actions.

 

I know I can't force him to change, and he'll only change if he wants to. I’ve asked him to consider my feelings, and how hurt I am about this, but he thinks I’m just crazy. Our relationship is always "normal" when Lindsay is out of the picture. Whenever she's back in his life (she comes and goes), things go haywire. I am at the end of my ropes... I’m not a violent person, but I’m up at 3:45am right now because I woke up in a sweat because of a nightmare I had about the two of them... I’m very troubled by this

[IpAncA]

I don't even know where to start here.

 

I'm so sorry your going through this and you have every right to be upset. Normally I don't like to suggest this but I think your going to have to give him a choice.

 

You or her.

 

Yes she likes your bf but he's just as bad. I can't believe he was talked out of asking you to marry him. What a guy. And I can't believe he is allowing this to continue with her bad behavior. Clearly she's going to do whatever she can to break you both up and probably won't stop until either he puts his foot down or she ends up with him. Sorry but that's the way I see it.

 

I also can't believe he allows her to disrepect you and him like that. Doesn't he back you up?

 

He also loves to tell people about all the drama in our relationship, and none of the positive

 

That right there is a no no. That's private and no one should be knowing about that. Not even his friends.

 

I have recently found out that pretty much every time they talk, he's always telling her how he's about to end the relationship. Which puzzles me because our relationship will be fine at the time.

 

Am I reading that right? Are you saying that he tells her that he's about to break up with you? I sure hope not.

 

Talking to him about this is impossible (latley). If I try to tell him how I feel, we start out talking rationally and calm, but end up screaming at each other, things get thrown, tears all over the place. That’s how torn up I am about this. I'm not an angry person, and we don't argue too often, and I never throw things. But the other night I got so unbelievably mad I repeatedly banged my fist against a case of soda, breaking a few and cutting my hand. All over this girl, Lindsay. I'm so embarissed by my actions.

 

You should try and control your anger but I know how you feel. Believe me I do. Sometimes you can't take it anymore and you sound like your stressed about this. Shoot I would be too. It would drive me nuts but I wouldn't stand for it. No one bit.

 

If he can't listen to what you say and doesn't understand what this girl is doing and won't put his foot down, your better off without him. Sorry to say that but he's just as bad as she is and playing these stupid games and thinking it's funny or whatever is uncalled for and disrespectful to your relationship.

 

This girl needs to get out of the picture and that's why I would give him a choice. He either picks you or her and if he can't respect how you feel about her and this whole thing then screw him. And to be honest he should have no problem with not being friends with her.

 

BTW I was wondering, where's the father of her 3 kids?

[EnigmaXOXO]

he "almost" had sex with Lindsay. "Almost" meaning, everything-but. Ever since I found this out I've been furious with their so-called friendship. He wants to remain friends,

 

He also loves to tell people about all the drama in our relationship, and none of the positive.

 

I have recently found out that pretty much every time they talk, he's always telling her how he's about to end the relationship.

 

Lindsay is just a symptom of your boyfriend's immaturity and lack of respect in regards to you and your relationship. But your biggest relationship problem is Taylor.

 

After trying on and off for seven years, it might be time to finally ditch the toxic Drama King (once and for all) before it totally skews your perception of what constitutes a "normal" relationship. Even among twenty-somethings, there has to be more mature and emotionally balanced guys out there, for ya. It's a BIG world, and you've boxed yourself in simply because you equate comfort and security with familiarity.

 

Have you even given yourself the opportunity to meet and date other guys since the age of fifteen (???)

[revolutionphilosophy]

So you're with this guy.... why?

 

Don't hang on to something because it's the only thing you've ever known...

 

Weigh in this entire situation heavily.

 

Obviously... people are going to tell their friends about the drama in a relationship... don't ever act like drama is only private... nor does it need to be (think about it... if you and your SO are upset with one another over an issue... do you REALLY want to let all that anger out to your SO? Or would you rather just vent to a close friend? Yeah... exactly).

 

Of course, no one should ever try to play up a relationship to be all bad...

 

...when someone does THAT... their friends may take a very negative stance on the relationship and try to dissuade the person from being in it.

 

Honestly -- if a good (male) friend of yours was in (what you thought to be) a toxic and damaging relationship... would you encourage them to stay? If he was going to ask a girl to marry him... and he'd presented it to you that you were both about to break up every other week and the relationship was completely and totally unhealthy for him... wouldn't you want him to think that decision through a little more?

 

Food for thought.

 

If Lindsay thinks your relationship is nothing but bad... and is damaging Taylor... maybe her dislike of you is grounded in something?

 

Maybe you need to look at him more than you need to look at her.

[IpAncA]

 

Obviously... people are going to tell their friends about the drama in a relationship... don't ever act like drama is only private... nor does it need to be (think about it... if you and your SO are upset with one another over an issue... do you REALLY want to let all that anger out to your SO? Or would you rather just vent to a close friend? Yeah... exactly).

 

Of course, no one should ever try to play up a relationship to be all bad...

 

...when someone does THAT... their friends may take a very negative stance on the relationship and try to dissuade the person from being in it.

 

Honestly -- if a good (male) friend of yours was in (what you thought to be) a toxic and damaging relationship... would you encourage them to stay? If he was going to ask a girl to marry him... and he'd presented it to you that you were both about to break up every other week and the relationship was completely and totally unhealthy for him... wouldn't you want him to think that decision through a little more?

 

Food for thought.

 

If Lindsay thinks your relationship is nothing but bad... and is damaging Taylor... maybe her dislike of you is grounded in something?

 

Maybe you need to look at him more than you need to look at her.

 

Thats why you don't go around sharing your problems with everyone. Your personal life is your personal life. If all you do is tell someone bad things their not going to get a good vibe of the relationship. If her bf likes to vent to others then he should be saying good things too. Not all the negative.

 

Then I could undestand someone wanting to talk someone out of it BUT I think this is a little bit different.

 

This girl is coming between them and she is doing it for a reason if I'm reading this right.

[norajane]

I agree that she is a symptom of your problems and not THE actual problem. Instead of channeling your anger at her and her behavior, you should put the spotlight on him and his behavior. Why does he always speak negatively of your relationship to his friends? Why is he always telling Lindsey he's about to break up with you? What kind of commitment does he feel toward you when he allowed one person to derail his proposal?

 

Most important, why does he treat you like you're crazy when you raise these issues with him? Does he really think that his behavior is normal? If he does, then it's time for you to start letting go of him. If he thinks this is normal, he's never going to make any behavioral changes. He has to recognize there's a problem, and he has to want to work on it, before anything can get better for you.

 

Good luck to you.

[revolutionphilosophy]

If all you do is tell someone bad things their not going to get a good vibe of the relationship. If her bf likes to vent to others then he should be saying good things too. Not all the negative.

 

Agreed! Wholeheartedly and entirely!!! You HAVE to tell the good with the bad (but no one ever tells the bad when they're angry!)...

 

I try to stress all the good in my relationship to all of my friends... mostly b/c I know they may forget the good when they hear any of the bad.

[jennifer hammock]

I have a boyfriend of a little over 6 months. We haven't ever broken up, but weve been in a big fight where we almost did, but neither of us had the guts to do it and we both just realized that we care about eachother too much to let the other one go.

 

He has a friend thats a girl and i hate her and their friendship. She likes him and has tried to get us to break up. When we were in the big fight he talked to her alot and i think it lead her on a little bit, so i am kind of irritated about that.

 

ok well the whole reason i am writing to u is bc when we started going out, like the first day, I went and cheated on him with some guys, but then I never did it again and i matured and it made me feel horrible even tho i didnt feel bad at first. Our relationship got really strong and i couldnt take it anymore. I ended up telling him, and i cried when i did.

 

You would cry too. I think it is better that i told him bc now I dont feel near as bad. If ur boyfriend loves you as much as you love him, then he will understand that you wont do it again and he will forgive you. I just wanted to tell you. jenn.