parents playing favourites to adult kids

[thumperbunny]

I am here for the sake of my husband. I love him a lot, and I can see that there is one thing in his life that causes him a lot of pain.

 

I am not sure how to help him, when he vents to me about his family - in particular his parents.

 

His family has three children, my husband has a twin brother and they are in their early thirties. They have a younger (much younger) sister who is 18. The problem is that there has always been a lot of strain in the relationship between my husband and his parents and his brother and his parents. It is mainly due to the fact that they were incredibly hard on the two boys as they were growing up, were very judgemental about their life choices and were unforgiving if the boys dared not to take their advice and live the life their parents wanted. They are both very, very controlling people. The situation is now that my H talks to his parents, they have a relationship but is not great. My H's brother does not speak to them, he has changed his name, moved away and has concealed his whereabouts so that his parents cant contact him even if they wanted to. That sounds extreme, but there is a story behind that too (which I wont get into.....thats a whole other thread)

 

the situation that my H struggles with though is how differently his parents treat his sister (the 18 yr old still living at home) and how they dont even realise.

The two brothers were abused physically and emotionally (although he plays this down I know that it happened), they use to get spoken to like they were dirt, they were told what to do, what to wear, how to live and who to associate with. They had to work from a very early age so that they could pay for their school books and any personal items they wanted. They were treated like cheap labor for their fathers business and both left home at a very early age....and never looked back. They both tried to keep a distant relationship with their parents, one failed and the other is just hanging in there.

 

fast forward to little sister...

she was given a brand new car for her birthday, her parents buy her whatever she wants, she speaks to them any way she wants and gets away with it, she doesnt work and lives at home and sleeps in unitl lunch some days, she goes out and gets drunk whenever she wants and they think that is fine (when my H's brother was 16 he came home from a party and his dad punched him for smelling like alcohol) she has friends over that trash their house and eat all their food....and her parents dont say a word. She is a spoilt brat and even treats my H badly (he is a mechanic, and she calls him "the low life that works with his hands, not with his brain") but she is very careful not to do it in front of us, always to relatives behind our back.

 

when my H tried to tell his parents that he feels that they treat her differently, and that they spoil her...they both turn on him and get aggressive and defend her.

 

I think that he has dealt with the way that his parents treated him in the past, I have always been so proud of the happy-go-lucky and calm person he is. He has overcome a lot of adversity and doesnt show any of his parents 'natures' or personalities.

 

But they difference in how they treat her eats him up inside..... How do I help him cope with this?

[llgla]

Maybe your husband can try to tell how he feels when both the parents and his sister are present. However be careful not to let the parents/sister turn it into a fight. After that, step back and leave them alone. This probably won't change anything but at least he has spoken up. If his parents remained untouched, your husband will need accept that the parents don't love him the way he wants them to. The comfort to that is that he now has you. If u two have children, I m sure he will strive to be a good father.

[curiousnycgirl]

I am in a somewhat similar although very different situation, however hopefully I can help - if only just a little.

 

I am 10 and 15 years older than my siblings (one boy and one girl). My mother got married, had me, and divorced all in the space of 3 years. She was way too young to be a parent and was very abusive - both physically and emotionally.

 

By the time my siblings came around, she was a totally different person. I won't say it was all fixed, but those two truly know they are loved and valued. To be perfectly honest, even to this day - I am expected to pay the bills and take the abuse.

 

My only consolation is in knowing that my mother grew up a bit by the time they came around so they didn't suffer as I had. I am not jealous of them - I thank G-d that things changed.

 

Nothing can change your husband's childhood misery - all he can do is be happy with what he has now, and accept what is past. Arguing with them about it will serve no purpose, and not bring him any peace.

 

I hope this helps, if only a little. Good luck with it.