Girlfriends sodding ex.

[woodyman]

I will keep this honest and true, not hiding anything. It may end up long but please give me some time.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for coming up to a year and a month. This, to most people, should show a certain level of commitment from her side, and I accept that.

 

The whole point to this though is her ex, who she was with for nigh on 4 years, and has been sperated from for about a year and a half. Now for a long time (the year) she didn't speak to him (he called it off), but in the last half, he has started getting in contact.

 

In February of 2006, we had been going out for 2 months, and she went away with her college class to New York, now the night before she left, he told her that he still had feelings. This infuriated me, but she doesn't know, and i wouldn't say. They met maybe once or twice I think since she has been back, and fine. I told her that I didn't really want her talking to him, after hearing about his intentions, I got very upset with it. She accepted this for maybe a month, but then the texts start again. Now he is away in South Africa

 

He is on tour with a cricket team (he left on New Year 2007), and this time before he left, decided to mention that he LOVES her. I knew that he was talking to her on the phone, and when i went to visit her one time, she had been crying. Now I don't know what was said from her side, but I was MAD inside. Now, I am very uncertain as to whether he contacts her via e-mail, but I would never intrude and ask to see whether he has. I don't know how I am meant to be feeling, but I will stop with this starter thread cause it is a bit big. I will answer anything more in subsequent posts.

 

Please with some advice ???

[woodyman]

I will tag on the end by saying that I am 20. She is my first girlfriend.

 

I want to confront this guy and tell him that I am here, because I get the feeling that when she made the efforts to tell him to back off, her heart isn't in it, she just doesn't seem to want to let go of him.

 

How I have wished that she was the sort of girl that hated the Ex...I would be a lot happier in myself.

[Reckless]

She's not over him. They say the opposite of love isn't hate its indifference - if she was over him she would wish him well and be totally unaffected by his declarations. As it is he seems to have left her confused and sad.

 

That being said - doesn't necessarily mean that she wants to get back with him (she may be just working through 'unfinished business') but she is, at the very least affected by what he has been saying.

 

As for you, well... not much you can do but I would say for future reference that a relationship is based on open communciation and honesty. If something is effecting your relationship then it IS YOUR BUSINESS and you have a right to ask about it. If you are honest with each other she will confide how she's feeling. If you are open AND honest you both stand a chance. If not, I wouldn't get to comfortable because whether its this guy or another.. you won't be in the picture for long!

[woodyman]

Well thats cracking news to hear...

 

Maybe she doesn't want to get back with him, but I don't think she understands quite how much I get so so pissed off with him telling her this so brazenly.

 

I mean wouldn't most guys want to voice their opinion ??...I certainly do, not to her so much, but to him.

 

Like I have mentioned, I have NO experience of a girlfriend, let alone Love. So from the start, all I have done is tell her the absolute everything about me, some might say "come on, you must keep something", but no, my life, has been laid out to her...she has no way of finding anything wrong with me, I have told her everything.

 

When I try to confront her with how I feel about this situation, is when she gets huffy and stroppy with me for keep mentioning it. I mean yes I am paranoid about this, but I think I have pretty good reason to be ??

 

I hope I am not the one in the wrong for feeling this way and wanting to tell him just what I think of him.

[CaliGuy]

What does "sodding" mean?

[woodyman]

Sorry, its just a slang for a swear word, that I didn't want to use in case I offended.

 

Interpret it as you want...the word you choose will still be the right one.

[Reckless]

You do not need to confront HIM you are not in a relationship with the guy and he made no promises not to move in on her... sure common decency usually dictates that you don't make moves in on someone that is spoken for but hey... you know what they say - all is fair...

 

If you girl is emailing/phoning/talking to a guy that is saying he loves her and she chooses to continue to do this, she too has the right (you are not married) but YOU have the right to tell her how you feel about it and ask her to not contact him. If this posses a problem for her (or worse she continues behind your back) well... you know where you stand.

[Salicious Crumb]

I will tag on the end by saying that I am 20. She is my first girlfriend.

 

I want to confront this guy and tell him that I am here, because I get the feeling that when she made the efforts to tell him to back off, her heart isn't in it, she just doesn't seem to want to let go of him.

 

How I have wished that she was the sort of girl that hated the Ex...I would be a lot happier in myself.

 

 

Dump her. She cannot be trusted. Contact like that with an ex is unacceptable. You are young and don't need to waste your time with someone who can't make up their mind who they want.

 

Let her ex have her and move on and find a decent girl.

[woodyman]

Hey I don't want her talked bad of.

 

She has had to put up with one hell of a lot from me, such as mild depression (after losing my dad), the jealousy and paranoia (albeit, these are new emotions to me and are overwhelming in the past year seeing as they are having to be dealt with for the first time).

 

This is why I have doubted my confidence to confront her, because this might be part-and-parcel of a relationship, I trust in her that she wont leave me, all I am asking, is that he doesnt contact her anymore, well, that she wont give him the pleasure of a response.

 

I honestly don't think she would leave, but she seems to just want to hold onto that friendship a bit too much. I know I go over the same steps in my posts a little bit, but I type as they come into my head, and they are obviously the strongest worries to me.

 

I trust her, and I think she is over him, but I think she is wanting his friendship more than is needed.

 

I hear what you have said Reckless as well about it carrying on behind my back and although she has, she sees nothing wrong with it because he is 'a good friend she has known for 9 years now'.

 

Maybe I am being wrong to her by wanting her to stop it.

[woodyman]

Oh...he emailed her from South Africa.

 

Literally just stopped talking to her over MSN about it.

 

And once more, the huff comes out, and no understanding for my frustration about him just being there hovering around like a nasty ****.

 

No nothing was said about love or wanting her back, but I am yet again, so fed up that she doesn't see that I am crying out to her to at least take my feelings into account, and cut contact.

[afather2myson]

When I try to confront her with how I feel about this situation, is when she gets huffy and stroppy with me for keep mentioning it.

 

but I am yet again, so fed up that she doesn't see that I am crying out to her to at least take my feelings into account, and cut contact.

 

Sorry Woodyman, but she does know how it affects you, and obviously she would rather continue contact with him..

 

So, the question is are you willing to accept this from her, I personally would not. If you are, then you need to deal with it, If you are not then you need to tell her that it is NOT acceptable with you, and if she continues to keep in contact with him, then leave her.

[woodyman]

Yeah I understand how you feel, but I am also scared that I have made this out to be a lot worse than it is...I mean I have told you all the truth, honesty the whole way through, so if it has come across in such a way as to get these reponses, then it must be bad. I think I am blinded from wanting to see it. I don't want it to be with that ending.

 

When we don't hear(she doesn't hear) from him, everything is great, more than that, she makes me so happy when I can go months without hearing that she has heard from him.

 

I mean this is how close we have got, she will be the girl I ask to marry. It is not in the present, nor in the next year probably, but she creates such an image in my head, that I can see that future. The whole picture is set, the only thing that clouds it is how long she has to stay in touch with this arse.

[CaliGuy]

Sorry, its just a slang for a swear word, that I didn't want to use in case I offended.

 

Interpret it as you want...the word you choose will still be the right one.

 

 

If that means "boinking" her ex, to me that's inexcusable. Cheat on me and there is no way you will be allowed back into my life under any circumstances (sans sharing a child).

[mental_traveller]

Well let's just look at the situation here. You are *very* uncomfortable about her contacting her ex, and I totally agree with you here. Your mistake is that you have not communicated this discomfort with your gf. What you should do is very simple - tell her that you are incredibly angry and pissed off about him contacting you, and that you would feel it is totally out of order for him to do this while she is with you. See what she says about that. If she can see how much it upsets you, then she should offer to stop. If she doesn't, then just make it clear - tell her you would feel much more comfortable if she would stop any and all contact with him.

 

Her reaction to this should show her true feelings. She should basically offer to stop talking with him, emailing etc, once she sees it is hurting you. If she doesn't, then just make clear once again how upsetting it is to you, and stress that if she cares about you then she should stop. If she still won't, then you have a problem and I would suggest just dumping her on the spot. Never, never allow a gf to stay in contact with an ex when it is anything other than just platonic good friends who talk in a mature & normal fashion. Here, it's a lovesick ex who wants to get back - that should be totally out of bounds.

 

P.S. "Sodding" is just an invective, doesn't mean anything by itself. Like you might say "I hate him, that sodding b*stard", or "Why does the sodding car have to break down now?"

[woodyman]

Mental my man, you have probably given the best answer I have here.

 

The rest of you, do not think I havent read, you all have had quality input, and I truly appreciate it, but reading the Mental's, it was like looking at myself through his eyes, and literally hearing the exact way I was saying and feeling the emotion.

 

Now I have confronted her about this, earlier this evening, and she got upset and sympathised with me. She tried to defend his case with a weak argument about it being just an e-mail, but I stated to her, that it was more like a filler, for example the between time from the New York 'I like you still'...up to the New Years 'Actually no, I love you'. So it remains to be seen whether she will put him out of our lives for good. The last time she tried...didnt have much luck.

 

And thanks for the descriptive work with sodding...she hasn't cheated on me, no one think that !!!

[Walk]

I was thinking.. If you're 20, then you're gf is around the same age too, right? She might not quite understand how this affects you. Basically what MT was saying.. and I think you did a great job trying to communicate with her earlier.

 

I was just thinking that I was pretty obtuse when I was early 20's about hwo men worked and thought. I would've felt quilty and bad for the ex for still being in love with me. I wouldn't want to tell him not to contact me because I would've thought I was "helping" him. When actually I wasn't.. but what can I say, I was naive.

 

If you're gf is the type of person who's got a big heart and doesn't like to cause waves, then she might be having a hard time telling the ex to jump off a cliff. She might mistakenly think she's trying to help him cope with the situation, and feel caught between your anger and her ex's pain. From the outside it's simple. She tells him not to contact her again. From the inside.. it might be that she's feeling like no matter what she does, she'll be hurting someone she doesn't want to hurt. You'll win out if you force the issue.. but I think some tact and deeper communication might be needed.

 

Tough situation though. I'm not saying I'm right about what's going on in her head, but just a possibility to consider. You know the type of person your gf is best and could probably judge her motivations better if you had a clear head right now. (anger clouds things)

[woodyman]

Hi Walk...very well written answer again. You have again hit a point on the head by saying that if she was a girl with a big heart. Oh she is.

 

After we talked about it last night, and I already knew this, she is the exact sort of girl that doesn't like to have people 'hating' her, if she can help it.

 

The guy she was with in between times, up to the Christmas 06, she didn't love, its purely because he showed attention, of which she will crave from a (boy), I will say man for the way I see myself and treat her.

 

Sometimes we can sit and I can lay out my feelings, and she will be able to give me the same sort of calm chat, but more often that not, it will be fairly tempered under the surface. And in all honesty, she probably is trying to help him, but subconsciously. She knows how I feel by now, I have had this concern for the year now...and I said to her that she has to decide what she thinks is best, but I would never force on her trying to break contact...because she will hate me for saying it. However much I feel it.

[Kinger25]

I have been with my girlfriend for coming up to a year and a month.

 

The whole point to this though is her ex, who she was with for nigh on 4 years, and has been sperated from for about a year and a half.

 

Ok First off. Your GF was with her ex for about 4 years. Their relationship ended a year and a half ago so if I am reading into your post correctly, she pretty much fell out of one long term relationship and jumped straight into another one with you? Seems like there was only a matter of months between her last partnership and meeting you?

 

This may not necessarily mean anything, she may have gotten her ex out of her system before she started seeing you but then again if that was the case then she should be actively trying to ensure that contact with him is kept to a minimum. I suppose what I am trying to say is that you could be the victim of a "rebound" relationship. Your GF's ex was the one who finished their relationship not her, so I also would be a little bit suspicious about their liasing together.

 

On the other hand, Walk made a good point too. At 20 years old (assuming that is your GF's approximate age), love is a new adventure, and we girls certainly don't get it right all of the time. (Just most of it !!!). She may still have feelings for her ex but that doesn't necessarily mean that she is going to jump straight into bed with him at the first opportunity. She may be trying to figure out exactly what she wants out of life and love and I think that you have been extremely level headed in the way that you have treated her in respect to this. You haven't snooped through her emails, phone messages etc. You have given her the freedom to make her own decisions about things. This will work in your favour in the long term.

 

I think you need to try and get her to open up a little bit more in regard to how she feels about you and her ex. You need to be careful about how exactly you broach this subject with her because you don't want to scare her away or turn her into a shrinking violet. Communication and trust are the main ingredients in ANY relationship and all too often its the lack of one of these ingredients which ultimately will cause the relationship breakdown. I think that you are looking for re-assurance from her that she is not going to jump ship and to get this you are going to have to comminucate.

 

At the end of the day at your age you should be out there having fun. Your relationship should be about sharing the good times, making eachother laugh, the simple things in life like holding hands and stealing kisses that we take for granted when we get older. You cannot alter your GF's destiny. That all lies in the choices that she makes. Her choices choose her path and if she chooses to be with her ex then there really isn't anything that you can do to change that. If she feels enough for you then the ex will pass by eventually, and you will both move on with life. If someone else enters into her life or in fact yours in the future, if your love is strong enough, that person will pass by too, in time.

 

Try and keep your head level as you have been, and try and enjoy your time together without worrying yoo much about what the future may bring. That way, you may find that she will warm to you alot more. You will be her partner and team mate and nothing will be able to come between that bond.

 

Good Luck

[woodyman]

That is a beautiful reply Kinger25, I appreciate it, and take a lot of reassurance from it. You have got it right completely in your opening paragraph. I didn't mention her age when it was touched upon earlier, but yes, she is 19, 20 in September.

 

I have never loved. I am certain of that, never had a girlfriend even, because I was bullied a lot during my school years by girls, and in turn, chose to distance myself from them. What made it clear to me that she was something very special, was the basic fact that I could talk to her, and she didn't call me a name or something at the first chance she got. I think that I am just looking for reassurance from her by asking questions, things that I know, but I like to hear, if that makes sense ??...I haven't heard it from any girl in my life before, and albeit only 20 years old, it is still nice to hear it for the first time, and I just feel that I am trying to make up some time on what I think I have missed out on.

 

I don't dare go snooping through anything that is private to her, complete breach of everything that I try to stand for in this relationship, trust, honesty, and openess.

 

Now seeing as I have never had a girlfriend I dont know, but I wondered from you Kinger25 or indeed anyone that will have...

 

If you saw an ex that you have been with for a long time, or see his name (ie from an email), does it create for you a sort of butterfly feeling in your stomach ??

 

Because that to me, is how I feel she reacts, and will enjoy replying (this is pure pure speculation on my behalf), but if this is in fact true and female members respond like this confirming it has some truth, then to me that suggests that feelings haven't gone ??