,, I'm desperate...I'm dying inside...

[mahree29]

I’m still in love with my ex….. It’s almost two years since I last saw him and talked to him….. And how I longed that he would call me or just show up anywhere….

I loved him so much,,, but my family didn’t approved of our relationship,,, maybe it’s because of our age difference,, I was in high school when he was already in college,,,, but one thing is certain,, they did not favor him because he was poor,, that he had an uncle that was in jail… My family thought of him as a garbage….They said that my life would be wasted with him,,, they didn’t know him… how dare them speak of him that way… He was very sweet and nice and though poor, he has a great family,, his mother was nice to me,,, and of all the people I knew,, he was the only person who inspired me to dream.. He had a lot of dreams

For the first few months of our relationship,,, everything was going well,,, I tried to bring him at our house so my parents would know that his intentions were clean but they shunned him away,,, they said that they didn’t want to see me with him again,,, At that point, I was already in love with him,,, that’s why by all means,,, I tried everything just to be with him….. there were a lot of times that I’ve snuck out just so I could be with him,,,

I said to myself before,,, I’ll never give up my virginity until I got married,,, but that was compromised…. He tried for a couple of times to have sex with me but I said no,, but when I was so angry with my family on how they were treating him and that my belief in my parents help the poor principles were shattered,, I don’t know what to do,, emotions had taken over me,, and my mind was not clear enough,,, plus his constantly saying that “if I love him,,, I would be willing to have sex with him”…. Made me gave in…. My young body at 15 experienced making love almost 4 days a week, and almost 6 times every day….. at first I just did it for him,, but then I liked it eventually…. When we were in bed,, it feels free…I felt safe,,,I felt loved….not like in our house where I could feel chaos,, our bed became my refuge…. but sometimes,, I felt like I’m being used….. because why did he have to force me,,, if he really loved me, he should have respected my ‘no’… he shouldn’t have said the words ‘if you love me, you should have sex with me’.. at times, I would feel used but I thought that I could not stop now….What the hell,, I love the guy and I have given ‘it’ already so there’s no turning back….But besides the issue of the ‘forcing’, everything was perfect… I was happy in our little world,,, it felt as if we were already married.. I was so happy,,, he took care of me, he was very tender,, He was my life…

I think my parents knew of what I’ve been doing,, but that didn’t stopped me…. I love him so much,,,, But time came when I felt wasted,,, I felt dirty and I felt I could no longer hurt my parents anymore,,, I was sick and tired of our life….so I decided to leave him,,, I took something as a sign,, I told him that I feel impure in having sex without marriage,,, that if he really loves me, he will respect my decision in not having sex anymore,,,, at first he agreed but when we came into his house just to hang out,,, he forced me to have sex with him,, though he knows I don’t want to have sex anymore,,, but somehow,,, I gave in; what can a girl do?… but after that,,, I cried,,,, we broke up…..He doesn’t respect my decision,,, he’s a sex addict…he let his animal instincts take hold of him…

I’ve broken up with him,,,

And in the arms of another man I found myself,,, It seemed perfect,,,,,he came from a decent family,, so my parents wouldn’t have any problems with his family…. We became close,,,, and I had a crush on him,,, we went out, and people say that he was rebound, but I never thought he was…cause I liked him… My ex kept on calling me and begging for a second chance,, he said that he’d respect my decision…. But I did not gave in… He would come to school, crying and begging and calling me and stuff,, I felt he was sincere, but I already started a new relationship with my new man; I don’t want to hurt him,, I felt happy but a bit guilty somehow,,, I still had feelings for my ex and I don’t want to hurt him too…. I chose the lesser evil,, I picked the guy that I could bring on family gatherings,,, someone who is not poor,,,and from a decent family…someone my parents and family would approve of,,, (but later on, I would realize,,, my heart would never accept….)

I heard that my ex tried to hook up with a girl,,, I was hurt,, so it further strengthened my decision in picking the new guy….At first I was happy,, with him,, I never thought of my ex…at first my ex called and greeted me on my 16th birthday,,, on the year that we broke up,,, but I just gave him a single thank you,,, he said that he would be changing #s so that he would no longer try to contact me,,, I didn’t mind

I don’t know what happened or when it started,, I was beginning to think of him more often,,, of his smiles, of his eyes, of how he laugh,,, of how he kissed,,,,, of how he moved,,, I thought of this things even if my boyfriend and I are still together,,,,,these thoughts frequented my mind…

At times,, I would be wishing that he would call me or text me,, I would be wishing that I could have kept the numbers of his friends and family so I could still reach him,,, i often wish that we could bump in sometimes, but that doesn’t happen….I wish we could collide again,….but when I think of how he used me, of how he betrayed my innocence,, of how he sexualize me even if I didn’t want to,, I get infuriated….. Why did he used me,,, why,,, everything was perfect…. I loved him so much

Now all I think about is him,,, I always get mad with my boyfriend with every little thing because why can’t he be Him!!!! I still love him,,, and I’d do anything to reach him again… but it seems he had already moved on…. It’s hard,, everywhere I look I see him,, every time, I can see something that could be associated to Him,……

Before,, I don’t want to change my mobile phone # because I’m ever faithful in waiting for his text that never came,,, I would go crazy every time there is a new # sending sms to me,, I wished that it was him,, but he never did contacted me again since my 16th birthday,,,, He’s a liar,,, we once said to my mother that he would win me over when I reach the legal age of 18,, what the hell, I’m 19 now,, where the hell is he…????!

I thought of moving on,, and give my boyfriend what he deserve, he deserve me,,, the whole me,, without any bits for my ex…so I changed my mobile phone # thinking that I could stop wanting him to text me,,, but I really am nuts,,, even if I had change my #, I still wake up in the morning hoping for his text,,, but obviously,, it is far impossible now,, because I did changed my #.... oh my God,, I’m really insane…. The pain is killing me,, I just wish I could see him again….

I’m dying inside,,,, I’m desperate,, if given the chance again,, I would be willing to share a penniless life with him,, though how hard it may be,,, I will never think that we will be poor, for we will be rich with love,,, I’m willing to live in the province and do farming just to be with him again,,,, Everyday, this longing seems to get even stronger,, I don’t know what to do.. Please help me,,, If I see him now,,, I would not think twice to go wherever he’d want to take me,,,,Oh God… What is your plan for me,,, why do you let me go through this pain,, it feels as if I’m not living at all… Please,,, bring him back to me…. Please,, let him be near me… Or if it’s not really meant to be,, please send me an angel because I really can’t bare it any longer…I’m only hanging by a thread….and it feels it would not be enough to take hold of me anymore…I’m slipping away… Lord please,,,, comfort me…

But you know,,, sometimes I doubt if i still love him that’s why I’m longing for him,, sometimes I find it hard not to hate him for using me,, maybe I’m feeling attached to him not because of love but because he is the man who devirginized me,,, that he would forever be a part of my life…. Until now,,, I don’t know the answers,,,, but I wish I could see him again so that I could figure it out and move on with my life…. Cause no matter what,, I don’t want to be stuck in this mess forever…. But I guess,, the stronger end is the theory that I still love him,,, Don’t I???

I have given my heart out once,, and I never really got it back….

i don't know what I am to do...

Help...please..

[Appje]

First of all your family was wrong to judge him like this. Just because he's poor, uncle in jail, ect ect.

 

Second it was wrong of him to tell you this: if you love me, you should have sex with me. That is 100% bull****

 

When you had another guy (the rebound one, im not telling you he's a rebound) did you stop for a second and think about how he might have felt at that moment? I'm a guy, I can tell you this: Jealousy, and a very strong one too. Think about it. Even if he's still your bf, and you're his gf. Would you like it when he dances with some other girl? Just an example.

 

And is this your first love? If yes I can imagine. First love is always hard to get over. You're 19 now. Me too. I've been in love twice, I've recently lost my gf (actually a few days ago) and now Im hurt. But think about it. You're still young, you still have a whole world in front of you. It's hard but I think it's time to let go. And please, in a relationship sometime you have to think for yourself. Don't do things for that guy. There's a chance they might use you. I meant this: "at first I just did it for him" Never ever do it again.

 

All the best

[CaliGuy]

It's been two years. It's high time you go see a Counselor.

[Am4Real]

Agree with Cali, you need to determine reality and not be burdened with unlikely scenerios.

[mahree29]

Appje,,

Yes,,, my family was wrong,,, too wrong that’s why until now, I can’t let go of the hurt they’ve caused me in judging him….

 

Yah, then I didn’t realize that it was wrong to tell you this: if you love me, you should have sex with me. I loved him then,,,, and I was just 15…. I was so young,,, but I was so in love…. And back then, it felt that he loved me too..

About my boyfriend,,,, everytime I think of these thoughts I feel guilty of not loving him wholeheartedly… sometimes I feel like breaking up with him is gonna be good for him since I feel like with just the thought of my ex,,, I’m being unfaithful to him already… But I can’t break up with him,,, I don’t want to hurt him….i know he’d die if I would leave him,, that’s why as much as possible,,, I shelter him from pain,, I am his first love...

Yup, my ex is my first love…and it's hard... That's why i did everything for him....everything,,,

thanks for your advice,,, I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart…

I hope all will be well with you aswell…

just a question,,, we're both 19, do you sincerely think this is true,,, "You're still young, you still have a whole world in front of you. "

 

Thanks CaliGuy,,,, sometimes i do think that i really need a counselor,,,, none of the people around me knows about this stuff..

[CaliGuy]

Thanks CaliGuy,,,, sometimes i do think that i really need a counselor,,,, none of the people around me knows about this stuff..

 

It's important to know I don't think you're crazy. I just think that when you're stuck in a rut like this the best thing to do is to talk to a Counselor who can help you see things from a different perspective and get you headed in the right direction.

 

I have been myself and am not ashamed to admit that. I don't know everything but I do know that when something is broken in my head and I can't fix it that I need to go see someone who can.

 

Best of luck!

[mahree29]

i sure do wish someone could fix my head.... But what if my head doesn't need fixing,,, what if my heart is the one who needs it...? I know I'm too young to be like this but i can't help it,,, i really do feel like i've nowhere to be but with him...and this thought makes me crazy...

[Appje]

Appje,,

Yes,,, my family was wrong,,, too wrong that’s why until now, I can’t let go of the hurt they’ve caused me in judging him….

 

Yah, then I didn’t realize that it was wrong to tell you this: if you love me, you should have sex with me. I loved him then,,,, and I was just 15…. I was so young,,, but I was so in love…. And back then, it felt that he loved me too..

About my boyfriend,,,, everytime I think of these thoughts I feel guilty of not loving him wholeheartedly… sometimes I feel like breaking up with him is gonna be good for him since I feel like with just the thought of my ex,,, I’m being unfaithful to him already… But I can’t break up with him,,, I don’t want to hurt him….i know he’d die if I would leave him,, that’s why as much as possible,,, I shelter him from pain,, I am his first love...

Yup, my ex is my first love…and it's hard... That's why i did everything for him....everything,,,

thanks for your advice,,, I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart…

I hope all will be well with you aswell…

just a question,,, we're both 19, do you sincerely think this is true,,, "You're still young, you still have a whole world in front of you. "

 

Thanks CaliGuy,,,, sometimes i do think that i really need a counselor,,,, none of the people around me knows about this stuff..

 

I'm really starting to think that you're only pleasing you current bf. In a relationship you shouldn't please the other person. Both of you should be happy. None of you should be forced to be together. And yes I do believe that this is true: "You're still young, you still have a whole world in front of you. ". My ex gf's mom told me that and I really think that this is true.

[CaliGuy]

i sure do wish someone could fix my head.... But what if my head doesn't need fixing,,, what if my heart is the one who needs it...? I know I'm too young to be like this but i can't help it,,, i really do feel like i've nowhere to be but with him...and this thought makes me crazy...

 

Your heart is guiding your head which for the most part is backwards. A Counselor will help your head take back control over your heart so that you can make rational decisions.

 

You think it's your heart but really, it's your head.