problem keeping a girlfriend interested

[guest]

I'm 28 and recently, I seem to have a had a real problem keeping a girlfriend interested.

 

I consider myself a nice guy, but my friends (girls and guys) think that I'm plain too eager to please and don't give girls enough space.

 

Although I don't go out on dates very often (understatement!), I'm getting more and more nervous when I do go out. I find myself becoming more and more anxious to please, because I seem to desperately want it to work - and I know desperation is not an attractive trait!

 

If I like somebody, I am keen to get to try to impress them & I'm sure I act like a performing seal sometimes when I go out on a date (telling stories / jokes etc) !

 

I don't know why I'm desperate for a relationship to work. I have a great family, very close friends and a successful career. I'm very happy in everything apart from my love life which is a disaster zone !!!

 

I wish that I could just relax and take the time to get to know a girl to see if we're right for each other. But deep down, I know that getting to know a girl is about being able to talk to them honestly. And I'm really uncomfortable with this...

 

So instead, if I'm asked about my personal stuff, I end up clamming up. For example, if a girl asks me about my exes, I normally clam up totally because I'm so embarassed about my track record of having messed most of them up myself!

 

An embarrassing silence follows, then I try and break it by telling another joke ... and to make matters worse, it's normally a terrible one !

 

I wish that I could break this cycle, but I don't seem to be able to. The fear of leaving myself open to being hurt is getting worse and worse and it feels like a vicious circle.

 

Is there a right time to ask these sort of questions ?? 1st date 2nd date ?? When you gut feeling says it's right ?? What are the right sort of questions which can let me get to know a date without delving too deep, or do I just go with the gut feeling??

 

I always wish that I could talk about these sort of fears, but I'm convinced that if I do, I'll end up being rejected again. Without being able to talk about these sort of things, I'm not able to really get to know any of my dates, and I just concentrate on trying to please them and make them laugh.

 

This is great fun in the short run, but I don't seem to be able to offer anything much past this and they soon lose interest.

 

Anybody out there feel the same way / got any advice about what to do ??

 

(Great site by the way ... keep up the good work!)

[Ally Boo]

Your problem stems from your fear of rejection. Girls have radar for that stuff. I passed up many a chances to date some probably great men, but they are just too desperate. Girls want strong men, not men they have to mother, and that's the thoughts that go through MY head when I'm talking to a man like this.

Consider going to counseling to see how you can work through this. My ex bf, a GREAT guy, who would "walk on his lips through busted glass for me," but he was too "needy." Work on this, get some confidence and learn to love yourself....you will see your love life COMPLETELY turn around...and you'll also find those akward questions no longer a problem. Please look up someone, you'll be so glad you did.

[midori]

I'd much prefer to hear a guy say, "yeah my ex-girlfriend Belinda is a really great person, and when I look back on it I can see that I really messed things up with her. Not that I want to get back together with her, but it's a little humbling to realize in retrospect that I could have done a better job as her boyfriend." That demonstrates genuine self-awareness, and humility, and at least a willingness to try to do better next time. Which is all anyone can ask.

 

But I wouldn't necessarily want to hear that on a first date. In fact, I wouldn't want to hear about previous relationships until I asked about them. If a guy started talking about his former relationship on one of our first dates without my asking, it would indicate to me that it's still very much on his mind. And I think it's rather inappropriate for either the man or the woman to inquire about the other's past relationships on the first date, or even the second date for that matter.

 

I mean, were you so awful in your previous relationships that you have ex-girlfriends trailing you, just waiting until you show that you've found someone you like, so that they can then swoop down and regale your new love with tales of your relational crimes and misdemeanors? Why else would you feel the need to confess about how badly you messed up in the past? And/or why else would you tolerate impertinent questions from a woman you've spent the cumulative sum of three hours talking to?

 

In short, my advice on what to do the next time you're out with a woman you don't know very well, who asks about your previous relationships, is to keep it light and vague. If she presses for more details, then she is a) obnoxious, and b) putting far too much weight on your initial encounters (probably for desperate reasons of her own). You're not interviewing for a job at the C.I.A., asking a woman out does not give her the right to grill you immediately about everything you've ever done. Say something like, "well to be honest I don't really keep in touch with any of my ex girlfriends. It's just one of those things, you tend to fall out of touch and grow apart when you say goodbye." Or something like that. That ought to end the conversation for the time being.

 

So long as you're determined to not make the same mistakes again (which doesn't mean you actually won't make mistakes, nor even that you won't make the same mistakes) then you have no reason to incriminate yourself right off the bat. Unless you're a rapist, a wife-beater, or an axe-murderer. In which case, please turn yourself in to the police, not to some poor woman sitting next to you in a bar. We've all done things we're not proud of. If we had to wear a sign detailing what those things are, we'd probably never get asked out again. It's good that you're aware of your mistakes, but you shouldn't let them cripple you.

 

Take it easy. Enjoy the moment and don't fret too much about what's around the corner. You'll cross that bridge when you get to it, but you have to get to it first.

[beaker]

I think more than a few people go through a dating phase where they're far too eager to please, and end up driving people away instead. As soon as they realize what the problem is, they calm things down a bit and do much better. Your post is interesting because you seem to have a decent handle on the details of what you're doing wrong, but don't think you can change things.

 

Maybe you're not grasping the key that enables people to calm down in these situations, even people without a lot of self-confidence. I'll give it to you now. Are you ready? Most dates are a lot more forgiving than you realize. It isn't necessary to have them constantly amazed by the cut and thrust of your rapier wit, laughing at your hilarious jokes, or cooing with desire at the beauty of your poet's soul (or some such crap -- evidently I don't have a poet's soul myself ). That's the perfect outcome that is hardly ever achieved by anyone. It's like the speed of light -- you can get close, but never reach it. An adequate outcome requires far, far, far less -- that you not behave like a jerk, that you show some interest in your date without being desperate to please ("like a performing seal" were your words), and that you're somewhat interesting and/or take her somewhere interesting and/or listen to the interesting things she has to say. It's not a lot to ask, and you can definitely do it. Certainly you need to realize that making a woman laugh isn't the only way to make her happy on a date, and if she doesn't have an ear-splitting grin on her face it doesn't mean she isn't happy.

 

Do you see what I'm saying? Being desperate to please is just a symptom of a larger problem... but that problem isn't a lack of confidence so much as a lack of appreciation for how little it takes to please most people. Without immediate positive feedback I'll bet you don't think you've accomplished anything, so you keep plugging away harder and harder until you get a response. If you take a calmer approach -- asking her where she's from, her family, her favourite books, whether she thinks George W. Bush will destroy the world between now and next Thursday, etc. -- not only will you NOT screw things up on your first few dates, you'll demonstrate that you're interested in her as a person and want to know what she thinks (unless she's a senior White House official and/or Defense Secretary, then you might screw up bad by asking that last question). This massively increases the chance she'll stick with you for more than a handful of dates.

[butterflyz]

if i am reading your post correctly you are looking for suggestions on topics of conversations on dates, and when to delve into past sexual relationships.

 

okay, in terms of conversation...try to discuss things that generate additional conversation. for instance, hobbies, recent movies/books, job, pets, hopes, dreams.

 

stories are great, but one right after the other is draining. the art of conversation relies on a two-way channel. maybe try reading Dale Carnegie (the art of winning friends and influencing others). i do so much listening that it is hard for me, at times, to open up.

 

as far as going into the romantic pasts....i'd wait till there was some history built up between you and your date. it's a tricky situation...sometimes it backfires discussing it too soon and going into too much detail. For me, i like to know the general idea of how the relationship went right and wrong, but i don't prefer to hear all the details. i've learned to be careful about the questions i ask, i may not want to hear the answers.

 

with the guys i've dated, if i gave too much detail too soon into the relationship, they would compare themselves to my ex (if the comment i made was good about them) or worry that the same bad turn would happen to us. i think the purpose of discussing the relationship would be to let your new date know that you've learned from your mistakes. so too much detail would turn her off. it's best to start off with a clean slate, no comparisons.

 

i know that an ex of mine used to compare his new wife/dating situation/wedding to me/us so much that she felt like i was part of the family (in a bad way). my exes brother said that he didn't take my picture down for the first year they were together and that she had to make him put our old pictures up into the attic. i felt so bad for her (i ran into them the day before their wedding), that i wrote her a note of encouragement. everything was discussed and compared. the jerk even compared our wedding to theirs (on their wedding day!!!) it's kind of demoralizing, but that's why i'm not married to him anymore.

 

i know this example was extreme, but you get the gyst. the purpose of dating is to get to know each other, for who you are NOW. history is great when the timing and topic are appropriate. but you want your date to feel special, not like she's your therapist.

 

i don't remember if you said you had kids, but they are another topic of conversation. but if she doesn't have any, she may not have alot to share and the topic may not go on as long as others. if you do have kids, you'll probably put them first on the priority list. so your date already knows she's number two and will never be number one (every woman likes to feel that she's number one, even if it's just for a moment), so your topic of conversation is even more important.

 

good luck.