New here with big marriage prob

[CaHopeful]

Hi everyone, it's a bit strange to think that I'm going to go into a chat room and lay everything out to strangers, but I'm in trouble and I need the kind of advice that you can only get if your being 100% honest with people who don't know who you are so that you can be sure they are giving you the 100% honest answer. If I'm out of line, or not welcome...just disregard my post and I'll consider this an experiement that didn't work. Here goes.....

 

I'm not in love with my husband. Years ago I was jilted by the true love of my life and I feel into my husbands arms. When I got pregnant, I decided to sacrifice my own happiness for my child and we got married (he has always thought that we were in love and I do beleive with all my heart that he loves me). My ex-love still and will always hold a flame for me and I for him, but knowing that I was creating a family with another man, he got married, got divorced and is now in his second marriage becuase I quote from him "I knew I couldn't have you and I knew I could do alot worse than her".

 

Over the years of my marriage, we have two kids. My husband is loving and supportive and does everything he can to make me happy. We worked on our "bedroom" capability and he is now an amazing lover. Although I do feel like I love him in the way that you'd love anyone who took care of you, I don't ever want to kiss him, sit next to him, or anyting like that. We have a lot of the same interest and are very compatible. I feel like out of say 10 things in life, we have 8-9 of them, but it's that remaining part that is starting to takes it's toll on me.

 

I don't know if I can live the rest of my life without having that "spark". I do not want to leave my husband, but I've been in contact with my ex-love and I'm scared that I might end up ruining my marriage, hurting my husband and destroying my children's lives. The desire for that part of my life that as been missing for so long is leading my down the road of wanting an affair. I want my ex-love, but I've also fantasised about my husbands best friend, etc.

 

I've talked with my husband about this and even told him that I don't think I have ever been "in love" with him and that although I want to be wanted, I don't want to be wanted by him. I don't understand why I am doing this to myself, my husband, even my ex-love who is in a good marriage himself. I feel like I'm going to ruin my life here, but I can't seem to stop.

 

Is this a normal phase that people go through in long term marriages? Am I normal? How can I make myself feel about my husband the way I should? Do people live their whole lives feeling this way and if so, what does that do to them? I feel like I am way to young to live the rest of my life without real love! I can't walk away from my life, my marriage, my children...I'm not willing to do that, but what does that mean for me? Have I doomed myself to a life of wanting and never recieving?

 

I need the magic formula that will stop me from being this person! I want to want my husband. Someone please tell me how I can make myself want my husband and forget the others!

[Ladyjane14]

I want to want my husband. Someone please tell me how I can make myself want my husband and forget the others!

 

Choose it. Select it. Your feelings aren't in charge of you. You're in charge of them.

Choose to love your husband. Choose to empathize with him. Choose to be present in your relationship with him.

 

There are REASONS why your relationship with your ex ended how they did. Revisit those reasons.

 

You know, in times of stress or when we lack direction in our lives, it's not unusual to fixate on an old flame. It's kind of a way to make a concrete problem out of something that's yet to be identified and dealt with. Sometimes when problems are vague and ill-defined... it's just easier to create new ones.

 

I think most of us idealize our first love. The emotional quality of our passions in youth still survive in our memories as particularly vibrant. Largely, because they felt that way at the time.

[CaHopeful]

Choose it, huh?

 

That feels like it might be the easist and hardest thing to accomplish, both equal in level. Your right, I should re-visit why my ex-love and I broke up, that would most likely be a no brainer answer in the "why in the world am I even talking to this guy" question.

 

If I choose to focus on my husband, it will be fake. I can live with being fake about everything for a while and give that a try, but I don't think I can live with fake forever. If you fake it long enough, will it become real? Will one day I realize I've put my arm around him and I was happy with our interaction and it didn't feel forced?

 

Whenever indifferent thoughts come into my head, should I be doing something to counteract them? I feel like I've been fake with him for so long already and I haven't warmed up yet? How do you actually choose to focus on your partner and stop your mind from thinking things?

[Mr. Lucky]

Over the years of my marriage, we have two kids. My husband is loving and supportive and does everything he can to make me happy. We worked on our "bedroom" capability and he is now an amazing lover. Although I do feel like I love him in the way that you'd love anyone who took care of you, I don't ever want to kiss him, sit next to him, or anyting like that. We have a lot of the same interest and are very compatible. I feel like out of say 10 things in life, we have 8-9 of them, but it's that remaining part that is starting to takes it's toll on me.

Do you realize how self-centered and narcissistic you sound? You've allowed you Husband (loving, supportive, amazing lover) to father two children and create a life with you while you deny him the basic emotional connection that every married person craves. And all because you pine for the fantasy of an old boyfriend. Yours is maybe the most emotionally dishonest post I've read in a long time. Shame on you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ladyjane14]

Choose it, huh?

 

That feels like it might be the easist and hardest thing to accomplish, both equal in level.

 

You're right. Simple, and yet complicated at the same time. Easy and yet difficult.

 

Your husband is a great guy. You said so yourself. There must be ALOT of things you admire and respect about him. When you view those things in comparison to guys of lesser quality... you'll be surprised at your emotional response to the contrast. Part of loving someone is simply appreciating all those little things that make them unique and special.

 

I should re-visit why my ex-love and I broke up, that would most likely be a no brainer answer in the "why in the world am I even talking to this guy" question.

 

When you REALLY look back in all honesty on why a guy wasn't right for you... the reasons are still there. He's the same guy who "jilted" you. There's no tangible proof that says he a different guy and wouldn't do it again.

 

On the flip-side of the coin... you started your marriage telling yourself you DIDN'T really love your husband. Have you ever reexamined THAT thought? Have you ever looked at him through a different lens than the one you used initially while you were so disappointed in the loss of the other relationship? Has your initial evaluation possibly kept you from seeing your husband clearly as someone who could be worthy of your romantic interest?

 

If I choose to focus on my husband, it will be fake. I can live with being fake about everything for a while and give that a try, but I don't think I can live with fake forever. If you fake it long enough, will it become real? Will one day I realize I've put my arm around him and I was happy with our interaction and it didn't feel forced?

 

While I do believe that there IS some merit to the old saying "fake it 'til you make it"... your feelings are still only as "fake" as you allow it them to be. IOW, if your husband is DESERVING of the affection you lavish upon him... then there's truth in that. He's a good guy so he DESERVES affection.

 

And you'd be surprised at the reaction you'll get. Most guys blossom like a flower when they're getting what they need from their marriage. He literally can BECOME the man of your dreams under this influence.

 

Whenever indifferent thoughts come into my head, should I be doing something to counteract them? I feel like I've been fake with him for so long already and I haven't warmed up yet? How do you actually choose to focus on your partner and stop your mind from thinking things?

 

Yes.. think of it this way... If you are not in control of your emotions... then your emotions are in control of YOU.

Don't let your inner stinkin' thinkin' run your life or make your choices.

 

Like everybody else, you have choices to make every day of your life. Even now, you have the choice available to you to end your marriage and move on to something new. That said, if you take into consideration that the Infatuation stage in love is ALWAYS fleeting, you'll see that in order to keep that feeling alive, you'd have to change partners about every 2-3 years. The choice to leave becomes less desirable with that particular data added into the equation.

 

Meanwhile, when one understands that love has the potential to evolve into greater comfort and partnership, it's easier to recognize those rewards as valuable. True emotional connection rivals anything that "first love" has to offer. It's not the 'butterflies in your stomach' or 'weak in the knees' love that makes the journey. It's bone-deep contentment, comforting us through whatever challenges life brings our way. It's knowing in our hearts that we NEVER have to go it alone. This is the thing that ends up being worthwhile.

[quankanne]

If I choose to focus on my husband, it will be fake.

 

you're sabotaging your relationship with that kind of attitude, and it can only fail if you keep it up. Especially if you've convinced yourself that your happiness lies with someone else. Chances are, the problem is inside you, but you are incapable (for whatever reasons) of fixing what troubles you so you look to an external (in this case your husband and your ex) as the respective problem and solution instead of making those internal changes.

 

maybe it's time to get help, be it counselling or finding good written material, and figure out what exactly it is that is eating away at you that bars you from experiencing happiness with the guy you're married to. Merely saying he's not the one you initially wanted isn't good enough, because obviously, there must have been something superior or attractive about him to make him appealing enough to do the married thing with.

[CarterAmeri]

Hate to sound mean. But you love your husband because he is there. You arent in love with him. Let him go and find someone who LOVES him not just there.

 

Same with you. Go find a love you want. Life is too short to sit by and watch it.

 

That is my opinion. Unless you have another reason to stay in your marriage.

[Zathrus]

How about you lie in that bed you made? You brought a child into the picture and now you need to at least stay in this marriage until the kid is out if the house. The kid didn't ask for any of this, but he/she deserves an intact household.

 

Your selfishness has no place in this now. Suck it up and stay. Like most women who have it made like you do with a husband who loves you and cares for you and a life you otherwise enjoy, you still want to f*ck everything up because of some imagined spark or whatnot.

 

Unfortunately your husband has to deal with your childish crap. I can't believe you told him this. What good did you expect to come from that (except to make YOU feel better)?

 

If he had any brains, he's dump you and leave to to enjoy working fulltime at the Container Depot while you enjoy the spark of cat ownership. I've met many a lady like you. Poor thing.

 

My advice (of course you would never DREAM of taking it): You tell your husband you just were having a brain-fart and/or emotional breakdown but that you're much better now. Then make sure you do everything you can to let him know that he's the best thing that's ever happened to you. 100x better than the other schmuck. Tell him 100 times in the next month. Jesus.

[CaHopeful]

Lady Jane, yes, I think I understand what your saying now. I think you hit the nail on the head about how I need to re-evulate him as an option in my life now and not just as the second place prize I was awards back then. I've spent all these years feeling like I had no choice but to be with him, but if I was to really look at him now, there is a really good chance that I WOULD "choose" him.

 

All my girlfriends think he is beyond great. In all the criteria that would get any normal girl excited about dating him, he's got! I want to want him. I think I will go get some outside help. I wonder if two people can manage to go back in time so to say and start over? I'm sure it would be hard to do.

 

I've started reading this book called "Beyond the myth of marital happiness", it's basically about how if you appreciate all the normal, plain, everyday ins and outs of boring life with someone, it can make up for not "being happy". His theory is that "happiness" is just a word basically and having the things that a person values can mean they are happy. For example, I really value that I can stay at home with my kids, that I have a nice house, nice car, that I don't even have to clean my own house, etc. I've always thought those things were so harsh and mean, but his theory is that if I value the fact that as long as I'm with my husband, I will never have to work a day in my life and I'll be able to live the "lifestyle" that is most appealing to me, then that is not shallow, but valid & I can apprecaite my life with him, therefore maintaning loyality, trust, etc. And then, I will have the "happiness" that I'm looking for.

 

I don't know, I'll find a professional to talk to, I'm sure that can't hurt anything. And yes, Mr. Lucky...I realize that the problem is with me, that I'm being shallow and hurtful and in reality, if he was to walk out the door tonight, I nor anyone we know would blame him.

 

Thank you thank you everyone. I might have to stick around and see what it's like to chat on message boards on a regular basis. This has been helpful.

[quankanne]

maybe instead of thinking of it just as "happiness," ask yourself if you are truly content (and no, not like a cow, lol) – contentedness is happy magnified, where you not just comfortable or complacent with what's going on, but it's what you choose because you know it gives that sense of surety.

 

I know how easy it is to think that the answer is elsewhere – hell, I spent the better part of my marriage mooning over my one, true love from college until something made me realize that he really was nowhere near what I'd made him in my head to be, and that my husband, as crazy as he drove me, was where I'm meant to be because our relationship really defied the odds (different social, economic, educational, religious and racial backgrounds) and that we had much more in common than we didn't. I knew he was a decent guy with a big heart when I married him, and after that revelation about him being who and where I'm meant to be, I started looking at him more appreciatively. And it's only gotten better, because I realize that I couldn't have replicated it with Mr. I Mooned Over You For So Long, nor could I have been content with him the way I am with DH.

 

in my longwinded way, I guess I'm trying to say that it's mostly a matter of perspective, and that you can grow to love and care for someone when you give yourself permission to do just that.

[Pink_Tulip]

Just playing armchair psychiatrist here, but it sounds to me like you are unhappy in your life, and since it isn't something you can directly put a finger on, you are attributing it to your husband and marriage? This is actually quite common. We have been raised to believe that our SO will 'complete' us in some way, and it simply isn't true. Thanks Hollywood. The only person who can make you happy is you. But, if you feel like your life is stagnant somehow and can't quite figure out why, you have a great life, good kids, wonderful husband.... you SHOULD be happy, but you just aren't. So you focus on your marriage and husband. Seems logical, but it is completely not the problem. I'd suggest doing things for yourself, with girlfriends, take a class, joing a book club or a bowling league, whatever. As you become happier with yourself, you will see this had nothing to do with your H or your marriage, IMO.

[CaHopeful]

Yes, I am coming quickly to the conclusion that I'm feeling stagnant. I signed up for a few classes at our community college, I start next Monday. I am in a bookclub (we meet every 6 weeks) and also a monthly bunco group. I've been involved with the local Moms Club for many years and now am doing the PTA thing with my oldest son's school.

 

I always seem to have a lot going on, but not many different things, they all seem to be the same. Hopefully with college classes, I will be able to mix things up a little. I've been doing so much self evualtion lately and I really am trying to be honest with myself at how I really feel.

 

My husband and I have been talking with each other nightly about all of this and he says he has come to the conclusion that he takes the things I do for granted (like raise the kids, run our home, foster various friendships and work obligations that he has, etc, etc) and that I take his love for granted. He wants me to try to focus on all the good things he does and keep that up until I find myself where I need to be. I guess what he is asking me to do is the "fake it till you make it" thing.

 

So, I have agreed to do that. And to clarify for the one poster above, I didn't talk with my husband about me being in contact with my ex-love. I only talked with him about my lack of feeling "in-love" and my overwhelming desire to get those feelings from an outside source since we don't have it. Sorry if I didn't make that clear enough. I'm beginning to wonder if what I really am missing is the sexual tension and foreplay that I'm lacking, But I have no idea how you would get that?