Am I the salad, while hes waiting for the prime rib?

[bryn]

Okay...we have dated for a year, we broke up once and got back together in May (so we have established a decent amount of time).....in which things are going just great....for him...hes has a girlfriend he doesn't have to commit to. For me...I am a bit frustrated....I feel Im in this relationship where I have invested soooo much and feel it is going absolutly no where! Yeah he treats me well, invites me on a few trips, we spend time together almost every day, ect....but I can't help but feel that Im just there to "accompany" him. He hasn't even ever told me he loves me! I cant stop ignoring that fact and its really bothering me and it sends a sharp hurting pain through me every time I think about it... like Im not good enough (even though I know I am)........and I know from experience the guys should say it first....and there would be moments where I thought it would happen but he never would say it! Inside I feel extremely frustrated at the relationship and I just want to leave him...I have lost a lot of trust in him...reason being he can't take this relationship a step further...and that scares me. Like Im an appetizer and hes waiting for his entree! I thought about just popping up and saying my farewell, but its seems so highschoolish! I thought about talking with him, but no one should ask to hear those words! Then I think about my pain and how there might be another guy out there that would want to say it and wants to commit! I have no idea what to do! We have this trip planned to Disney World with his whole family in Nov. and I want to be the happy inlove couple at the greatest place in the world... not a best friend w/ benefits! And in front of his family I put myself on the outside....Im afraid to bond too closely w/ them fearing it might be too comfortable for him and me?! You know!?

[beaker]

It seems likely from your post that you and your boyfriend see your relationship quite differently. I think you have two choices:

 

1. Talk it out with him. If he waffles on the subject or tells you outright that he's only in it for companionship, move on to someone who can give you what you're looking for. You have every right to ask, and then some. I don't know where you got the idea that "the guys should say it first" or that leaving him because he can't provide what you need is "highschoolish". Breaking up with him by putting a note inside his locker is highschoolish. By contrast, moving on from a guy you have feelings for because he can't or won't provide the commitment you're looking for in a relationship... that's about the most mature thing you could ever do.

 

2. Decide you've had enough as it is and just leave him, minus the talk.

 

If you're on different wavelengths, hanging around and continuing to suffer is just plain nutty.

[Tony T]

After dating someone for a full year, you would expect them to be able to tell you the direction their feelings are going.

 

There are many reasons why people don't express their feelings verbally, fear being right up there at the top. I think you are obligated to yourself to have a talk with this man and let him know you are looking for true love and commitment and you do not feel you have it now or that it is forthcoming. See what he has to say.

 

There is no good reason to waste your time in an unfilling, emotionally empty relationship when, as you say, you can find a guy elsewhere who will give you the warm fuzzies you need to be happy.

 

Don't put this talk off another day. Get to him, sit him down, and start talking. If you don't have meaningful communications with him by now, the relationship isn't worth saving anyway.

 

It's good that you are desiring to get to the bottom of this now. It's about time.

 

I will say that there is a very good possibility he is unaware of his love for you. Leaving will bring out those feelings in him quickly if they are there at all and he doesn't know it.

 

Good luck!

[clia]

I can relate. My ex (note the word, ex!) was the same way.

 

I feel your pain--I've been there, done that. I finally brought it up with him, and found out that (ta da!) he was emotionally incapable of making a commitment to me. He was fine when there was no "C" word, but other than that, forget it. The entire thought of commitment freaked him out. In retrospect, I realized I missed a lot of signs of his commitmentphobicness. (Is that a word?) Here are some of the things I missed...any of this sound familiar?

 

-- He had a hard time referring to me as his "girlfriend" (We were exclusive).

-- He couldn't commit to buying a car, a condo, a TV, a stereo, a watch...any kind of decision such as this caused him huge difficulties.

-- He was emotionally distant and very hard to get close to. Everything was very "surface level" between us. We talked about work, family, friends, news, politics...but rarely had "close" conversations, although at times I felt like I could tell him anything.

-- If we did happen to start to get emotionally close, he would pull back for a few days. Normally we'd talk every day, but after a particularly close night or whatever, I wouldn't hear from him for a couple/few days, which was out of the ordinary for him.

-- He pursued me relentlessly in the beginning, but as our relationship started to get more serious, he started to pull back a lot more. (And this wasn't because it was going badly--in fact, we got along great, never fought.) I met everyone in his life--friends, family, co-workers.

-- He was extremely self contained, and somewhat selfish. Although he was extremely attentive to ME, he wasn't real concerned about anyone else or their feelings.

-- He never talked about his feelings toward me. He gave me lots of compliments on my looks, intelligence, sense of humor, etc., but he never told me how he felt about me beyond this.

-- I sometimes, when we were together, just had the feeling that he didn't care about me.\

-- ETC....

 

I'm not saying your guy is commitment phobic--he may just not be very verbal with his feelings. But usually if your gut is telling you something isn't right, it's not. I ignored my gut for a long time. Don't ignore yours anymore! You have every single right in the world to ask him where things are going. (Even my ex admitted that when I brought this up...he said "After this long, you have every right to know what's going on.") I normally don't advocate bringing this kind of stuff up, but it's been long enough! You need to know. But before you bring it up, you need to consider something.

 

If he says he can't commit or says he isn't sure about your relationship or says "Gee, I really like you!" what are you going to do? Are you ready to walk away from this? Are you going to stick around and settle? You need to think through what YOU want and what is best for you so if you get the answer you don't want to hear, you know exactly what you need to do and you don't have to act without thinking. (My advice is to walk away, if you are able. It will be very hard, but if he doesn't know after an entire year, then there are problems there. A year is a a long enough time to know whether or not there could be a future together. You don't want to waste anymore time if he is being all wishy washy.)

 

And P.S. don't worry about the Florida trip, and don't consider it when you make your decision. You need to do what's best for you, Disneyworld be damned!

[bryn]

I think he is still stuck on his ex-girlfriend. they dated two+ years and broke up a year and a half before we met. He did have few other relationships averaging 3-5months during that space of time. Anyways, he still has pictures of them (they are in a box) I came across them when I was helping him move, thats not all....he also has every single dang card she has ever gave him for every single reason! She probably owns half of Hallmark! Mine I gave him last C-Mas I found in the trash! However, I noticed he has kept the last two:) I don't know if hes is neccessarily stuck on her, but stuck on what they had.

 

 

In reply to Clia, he does do commital things as in (a)wanting my help decorating his new house...Im sewing all of his window treaments (b)he asked me to sew a robe for his new baby niece (he took to her this week) , and © he helped$ me get my car fixed when it crapped out, (d) we are doing a painting project together. These are things, I would think, that if he broke up w/ me ...it would be baaaad for him, b/c everywhere @ him would remind him of wonderful me! and his parents and brother loved the robe I sewed for his niece, which was 100% of his asking from me. HE JUST CANT SAY "I LOVE YOU!?" and I need and deserve that! Im taking all 3 of yalls advice! I have a challenge and the ex-gf thing is just a side thing....need to concentrate on US.

[Ally Boo]

I wish all guys liked to talk like Tony likes to talk things out.

 

The truth is....relationships are like dancing. There are Distancers (follower) and Persurers (the leader). BUT...the intresting thing is, the roles always reverse.

For example...

You said that your guy was chasing you relentlessly at first. Then when you made a step towards him in your relationship, he started taking steps backwards. Now he is extremely distant. The fact that you get close and then he's gone for a few days is CLASSIC behavior for a distancer. The thing is...you have to be his safe haven. He has to feel emotionally safe with you before he opens up to you. He's protecting himself.

 

Let him have his space when he needs it, love him how he needs to be loved. By the things you are saying, I believe that he does love you, he's just terrified. I think he's trying to tell you that he loves you by complimenting your looks, etc. That's the only way he feels "safe" without getting TOO close. But if you are patient and really believe he's a man you could be happy with for the rest of your life....then it's going to take work, but he'll be the man you both want him to be.

 

When he needs space, give him the space without letting him feel guilty...always welcome him back with open arms. It is important to talk...you may need to lead him and take on this role. But keep in mind that MOST guys are HIGHLY allergic to talking about relationships. Keep the talks VERY brief, light and fun, and laced with love (great eye contact, caressing, hugging, etc.). You have to let him feel safe before he'll ever open up to you.

 

You might want to check out the book "Make up, Don't Break up" By Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil. I'm in love with a man much like yours, that's why I know what you are going through. This book has helped me TREMENDOUSLY in understanding his behavior, and understanding that HE ISN'T REJECTING ME WHEN HE ACTS LIKE THIS! Please read this book before you make a decision to leave him. It has honestly changed my life and our relationship for the better.

[clia]

Ally,

 

I think you confused my advice post with Bryn's asking for help post. I was relaying some of my experiences to her, not asking for advice--I don't think she's in the exact same type of situation I was.

 

And my ex is long gone. I have no doubt that he cared about me a lot, but he was physically incapable of committing. I could've sat around and waited for years and he wouldn't have been ready. I chose not to do that. Time is precious, and I don't want a guy who can't face up to his feelings. Believe me, I'm not clingy at all and I gave him plenty of space. Even then, things were not progressing forward at all. Ending things was the best decision fo both of us.

[Ally Boo]

I'm sorry but I was responding to Bryn's post, not yours. I really liked your insight though.

[just_a_girl]

Relationship issues at their peak!!

 

 

I also know somewhat where you are coming from and also Clia (with that huge response about how to tell if ur partner or ex is commitementphobicness).

 

I had a very similar problem, but with a guy i dated for a much sorter amount of time, feel free to read my post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=18025

 

 

Anywayz, i think your best bet is to talk it out with him. If he is great to talk things out with then you have a great start, but if not then you will probably go around in circles with this issue for a longer period of time. First and formost thing of your self and how you wanna feel in the end.

 

If he cares for you, he will see you point of view, if not ... then that is his loss in the long run.