Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Just seems crazy from my perspective. I have sat down and have been reading alot before posting myself. But I wish to see one post the gives some tangible insight. I have tried to generalize and narrow down posters. Who really wants to help and those really looking for help. It's a good idea to look at which posters, it really is. There are many who will try to offer you honest answers to your questions, which in turn, may or may not give you some insight into your situation. Some will not offer constructive advice. When I first came to the site, I read a lot before registering. To name but a few, reading Romeo Must Die's posts gave me an insight into a BS - she really has got things figured out - RMD, I dont think we've spoken before but I do love reading your posts. I also like WWIU, Ladyjane. They give a good perspective on many an issue. As for the OW, there are many that I respect the opinion of too, Frannie, DDL, Ratingsguy, lots out there. All with very very different situations but with a similar issue. The trick is, not imagining the OW that you're posting with is not the OW in your situation. And not imagining the BS to be the BS in the OW's situation. Everyone's situation is individual. Sorry if that's clear as mud. Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Sorry just deleting a double post Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 What is the point of this whole thread? Isnt the original poster a OW? Or has her status changed. I read alot before registering and it doesnt make much sense to me. Are you a OW a BS or quite frankly ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP AT ALL. I have never seen a relationship like yours before in the real world. I would question his mental stabilty and your views of what a relationship should be. I do not believe this thread is of any value. What can someone learn from this, other than you ( the orginial poster ) are unsure yourself what you have in your life. What is a BS suppose to say? " I would never cheat". What is a OW suppose to say " HE would never cheat on me" ( Like some have already said) Pointless mindless banter from a very disoriented situtation. When I read the questions, I thought the important issues were these, actually: I often think we see one side of this whole thing..(our side) Would you believe your man and trust that he would not try seek affection else where? I think most of the posters addressed what they would DO (leave or not leave), but didn't so much discuss whether they would be worried their MM might cheat on them. Also, the concept of really looking at the situation as a whole and from a limited perspective could have been an interesting discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 I think most of the posters addressed what they would DO (leave or not leave), but didn't so much discuss whether they would be worried their MM might cheat on them. I agree, NJ, the question of trust is one that I have wondered about, too, and I'd be very interested to hear how current-OW would deal with that. I guess, on some level, the question really becomes about how strongly OW believe in what their MM tells them about the state of his marriage. I know that some OW consider their relationship different and somehow more robust than the one the MM has with his wife (which I know is hotly debatable, of course - but the question is about the perspective of the OW). So, the question is, how robust is the belief that he's accurately representing his current relationship as the fundamental, underlying problem, rather than pointing the finger at himself - as in, this is how he manages discord in his relationships? That's something an OW would really have to take on faith, it seems. Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 When I read the questions, I thought the important issues were these, actually: I think most of the posters addressed what they would DO (leave or not leave), but didn't so much discuss whether they would be worried their MM might cheat on them. Also, the concept of really looking at the situation as a whole and from a limited perspective could have been an interesting discussion. Back onto the question... I think there are trust issues about someone who has once cheated. Not only from the OW but also the MM - he knows it's possible for someone to lie and cheat and not be suspected! On the other hand, we're probably all quite adept in noticing red flags... If my MM cheated, I would try to understand, just like I would try to understand if a single guy cheated on me. It's not a question of "I was once an OW, so obviously this is my commeuppance!". Every situation should be judged on it's own merit. Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 You can read study and research to no end and still not find the answers you are looking for until you begin to stop reading it for the black and white and start listening and learning. By signing up here, you just started to open your eyes. You have challenged your awareness as you once knew it. Maybe you will change a little, maybe. Time will only tell. You are blocked with anger and you need to express that anger outward. Away from you. You have shut out any possiblities of hope. Its okay you are normal. Just be careful with the flamethrower. Who is it really aimed at? Why is this post stupid? Maybe to you it is but maybe the original poster doesnt think so. I think, once you remove that mental block you can see things so much clearer. That is one positive from this experience. Sure, our perspectives are different. It doesnt change things (it doesnt have to) but maybe you will get something out of it if you only tried. Maybe you'll find a friend. Share a good laugh. Maybe at least you might feel alot less lonely about it than you did a minute ago. Just being able to forget about something bad that is happening to you for a few minutes is, in itself, a blessing. You can gain some new experiences by learning from others. To at least know what life is like for them and say, I can understand. I can learn. I can handle this. Maybe my problems are not so bad compared to others. Link to post Share on other sites
Can'tGiveUp Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Maybe my problems are not so bad compared to others. This has hit me twice in the past 48 hours in a huge way. Puts things back into perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 You can read study and research to no end and still not find the answers you are looking for until you begin to stop reading it for the black and white and start listening and learning. By signing up here, you just started to open your eyes. You have challenged your awareness as you once knew it. Maybe you will change a little, maybe. Time will only tell. You are blocked with anger and you need to express that anger outward. Away from you. You have shut out any possiblities of hope. Its okay you are normal. Just be careful with the flamethrower. Who is it really aimed at? Why is this post stupid? Maybe to you it is but maybe the original poster doesnt think so. I think, once you remove that mental block you can see things so much clearer. That is one positive from this experience. Sure, our perspectives are different. It doesnt change things (it doesnt have to) but maybe you will get something out of it if you only tried. Maybe you'll find a friend. Share a good laugh. Maybe at least you might feel alot less lonely about it than you did a minute ago. Just being able to forget about something bad that is happening to you for a few minutes is, in itself, a blessing. You can gain some new experiences by learning from others. To at least know what life is like for them and say, I can understand. I can learn. I can handle this. Maybe my problems are not so bad compared to others. ...It's posts like that that remind me why I registered on this site after reading so long... Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 . What is a BS suppose to say? " I would never cheat". What is a OW suppose to say " HE would never cheat on me" ( Like some have already said) Pointless mindless banter from a very disoriented situtation. I think the op is a bs...I could be wrong. CarterAmeri, you will find that most post (especially in this fourm) aren't from people looking for help, its usually BS looking to vent. When I joined a year or so ago It used to be OW giving eachother support. NOW...its Pointless mindless banter from a very disoriented situtation Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 I think the op is a bs...I could be wrong. CarterAmeri, you will find that most post (especially in this fourm) aren't from people looking for help, its usually BS looking to vent. When I joined a year or so ago It used to be OW giving eachother support. NOW...its Priscilla is a OW. I can't remember if she knew the MM was married at the time they started dating or if that's a different OW/MM. In any case, she's unhappy about her situation, and is not a BS looking to vent. As I said in YSM's thread: if you provide support to the OW who come here seeking help, it will BE a support forum. Feed the drama and it will be a drama forum. Link to post Share on other sites
CarterAmeri Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 I have been reading on here for awhile. I dont know what the OP is. But she does not have or did have a relationship. ITS MINDLESS BANTER. I guess its cheaper then going to a professional and laying on their sofa and crying and whining. I think the op is a bs...I could be wrong. CarterAmeri, you will find that most post (especially in this fourm) aren't from people looking for help, its usually BS looking to vent. When I joined a year or so ago It used to be OW giving eachother support. NOW...its Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 I have been reading on here for awhile. I dont know what the OP is. But she does not have or did have a relationship. ITS MINDLESS BANTER. I guess its cheaper then going to a professional and laying on their sofa and crying and whining. I disagree. It may be mindless banter to one, yet it might be an epiphany to another. LS is in no way a replacement for professional psychological counselling or advice. Can I just re-iterate what RMD said... Maybe at least you might feel alot less lonely about it than you did a minute ago. Just being able to forget about something bad that is happening to you for a few minutes is, in itself, a blessing. You can gain some new experiences by learning from others. To at least know what life is like for them and say, I can understand. I can learn. I can handle this. Maybe my problems are not so bad compared to others. Link to post Share on other sites
Babybird Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 I haven't figured out how to use the quote thing so you'll have to excuse me. Romeomustdie commented that married man is already cheating on OW with his wife. My question is is it really cheating if you are aware of it and not only that but condone it by remaining in the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Hi Babybird, welcome to LS. To quote just press the quote button on the text you wish to quote and type underneath or above the quote. Unquote. Lol. I'm not sure if you were directing your question at me. In answer to your question, from my OW perspective, I assumed that my MM would probably be sleeping with his wife when I first met him. I accepted it and through this acceptance, I guess I condoned it. I didn't see it as "cheating" on me. I never asked to be honest, I didn't want to hear the answer in too much detail. I guess "cheating" is the lying about sleeping with another. So, no, I didn't ask, he didn't lie and I don't see it as cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Geez look what I started here. lol My explanation for Baby is right here. If he is with one person and another at the same time is still cheating. Somebody is getting cheated, thats for sure, even if you feel that isnt you. Maybe its not BW either. Maybe its his kids that get cheated. But just maybe everyone close to him gets a little cheated along the way. Accepting the cheating is a relative term, maybe you dont like being lonely sometimes and you are cheated in other ways. Just an observation. PS Hello So. Wisconsin Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted January 24, 2007 Author Share Posted January 24, 2007 I would surmise to say that MM already does cheat on you, with his wife. I have been the BW and the OW with my own husband. I knew her engagement was over before she did... and it's all my fault! (in an Eminem voice) Anyway, you know that when you look at his ring (red flag) when you are in bed with him. You can make him take off his ring, pretend the W doesnt exist, stick your head in the sand and you can look the other way and hope it all goes away, but you are truely naive if you think he doesnt have sex with his wife. That was not the question at all... For the most part, we know that is probably going on. I am asking the OW to see what they would do, and how they would feel if they were in the other postition... and what does Eminem have to do with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted January 24, 2007 Author Share Posted January 24, 2007 What is the point of this whole thread? Isnt the original poster a OW? Or has her status changed. I read alot before registering and it doesnt make much sense to me. Are you a OW a BS or quite frankly ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP AT ALL. I have never seen a relationship like yours before in the real world. I would question his mental stabilty and your views of what a relationship should be. I do not believe this thread is of any value. What can someone learn from this, other than you ( the orginial poster ) are unsure yourself what you have in your life. What is a BS suppose to say? " I would never cheat". What is a OW suppose to say " HE would never cheat on me" ( Like some have already said) Pointless mindless banter from a very disoriented situtation. Carter, I am a OW, I am asking the question to get people thinking, AND YES THAT INCLUDES MYSELF. It is not pointless midless banter at all it is to get all of us to think share stories and to learn a different perspective as well, I welcome you as a new guest on the forum and the answer to your question is Yes I am in a relationship at this time, but it makes me think that if I were on the other side how would I feel and what would I do. If you feel that it is pointless to discuss a topic then that is your opinion and you are welcome to that opinion, but if the thread has no value to you I am sorry but it is not just all about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted January 24, 2007 Author Share Posted January 24, 2007 and the point of this thread is to think about the other side, not only of yourself. I know it came across as I am a BS but no I am a OW and as Nora Jane has pointed out I am unhappy because of the situation... I did not know he was married in the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 That was not the question at all... For the most part, we know that is probably going on. I am asking the OW to see what they would do, and how they would feel if they were in the other postition... and what does Eminem have to do with it? I answered you the first time quite correctly. I am not an OW per se, but technically, even though I am the BW, I was ALSO the OOW to Romeo's OW and that is pretty much the same thing and you know what, I didnt give a rats ass about the betrayed OW. He did leave me to start a life with her. Then he left her to start a relationship with me, even before he made it offical and broke it off with her. Then it was her D-day for once in a blue moon, and she didnt like it one little bit. The part I said "It was all my fault" was a line from an Eminem song. Just let it go P. This thread has already been turned upside down many times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 I answered you the first time quite correctly. I am not an OW per se, but technically, even though I am the BW, I was ALSO the OOW to Romeo's OW and that is pretty much the same thing and you know what, I didnt give a rats ass about the betrayed OW. He did leave me to start a life with her. Then he left her to start a relationship with me, even before he made it offical and broke it off with her. Then it was her D-day for once in a blue moon, and she didnt like it one little bit. The part I said "It was all my fault" was a line from an Eminem song. Just let it go P. This thread has already been turned upside down many times. Oh ok now I see what you meant by that,and the emein thing what just a silly question... Look, I know relationships are hard enough without another person in the picture... Link to post Share on other sites
CarterAmeri Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Okay, I have a question for you. HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED? Please tell me. Did you miss certain key elements? Like maybe he wasnt easy to get ahold of? Oh I dont know, the fact he wasnt over all the time and spending nights ? Or was it that he was in the FBI and he could only contact you when he was on a mission? I am sorry , but I couldnt contain myself. When you said you didnt know he was married I had to laugh. I mean really how did you not know. And when you found out how could you stay with someone who LIED to your face every moment. How could you believe anything that came out of his mouth. Believe me my husband LIED to me. He cant trust him as far as I can pick him up and thrown him. Not even half that. He is here for 2 reasons. He knows it and I know it. After that DONE. But i dont believe anything he tells me. If he says its raining outside I go outside and check for myself. But you stay. Your a better women then me to love and trust let alone a stone cold liar. and please understand when I say liar I mean him. The MM is the LIAR. and the point of this thread is to think about the other side, not only of yourself. I know it came across as I am a BS but no I am a OW and as Nora Jane has pointed out I am unhappy because of the situation... I did not know he was married in the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 Okay, I have a question for you. HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED? Please tell me. Did you miss certain key elements? Like maybe he wasnt easy to get ahold of? Oh I dont know, the fact he wasnt over all the time and spending nights ? Or was it that he was in the FBI and he could only contact you when he was on a mission? I am sorry , but I couldnt contain myself. When you said you didnt know he was married I had to laugh. I mean really how did you not know. And when you found out how could you stay with someone who LIED to your face every moment. How could you believe anything that came out of his mouth. Believe me my husband LIED to me. He cant trust him as far as I can pick him up and thrown him. Not even half that. He is here for 2 reasons. He knows it and I know it. After that DONE. But i dont believe anything he tells me. If he says its raining outside I go outside and check for myself. But you stay. Your a better women then me to love and trust let alone a stone cold liar. and please understand when I say liar I mean him. The MM is the LIAR. Why should I share my story with you? Just wondering nothing I say here could help you because my situation is not your situation. If you will try to have an open mind I will share but I am not in the mood for a back and forth. I started this thread because I am not at ease. Link to post Share on other sites
Babybird Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I was in a relationship with a man that lived in Georgia with his grandmother. Everyone in his family was convinced he was divorced because his wife lived in New York. It had been this way for a couple of years. I found out 4 months into the relationship when his wife started calling me and telling me what a pathetic liar he was. Maybe he was easy to get a hold of. Cell phones, e-mail, pages, work phones, etc..there are a million ways to get a hold of someone besides the home phone where the wife lives. My personal favorite is text messages. Maybe he was around more than the average MM. My ex-husband was constantly on call. All she had to do was page him and he was out the door. Didn't matter what time. When you have love goggles on it makes it very easy to be deceived. You can't necessarily see what other people see. You may not want to. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Seems to me that some OW, when placed on the other side wouldnt stand for it. BUT what the OM is doing now by cheating on there W with said OW is ok. I dont get it? I can cheat with you, but if you ever cheat on me its over? Quite frankly, yes. I wouldn't stand for being cheated on. It's a disgusting betrayal in my opinion and I could never look him in the eye or want him touching me again. And no, it's not OK that he's cheating on his wife. But that's up to him. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I do not believe this thread is of any value. You're funny Link to post Share on other sites
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