Am I really as weird as she suggests

[Megalith]

So I am married, for eight years now, and suddenly it all has got a bit strained. What's the issue, I hear you say, well I am sad to say a lot of it revolves around sex. In the last six months we have had sex once, we used to have a fairly full sex life, so this has come as a shock. After many attempts to initiate sex, all rejected, I thought it was time to discuss it, especially as I feared there was something serious going on. As soon as I brought it up my wife started to get angry, after much discussion she told me to drop it completely, because sex is just not important. She thinks I am unusual for considering sex an important part of a relationship. She says it is my fault sex has stopped. She says that every time I hug her I am after sex, which is far from true. I said this was not true and she said that she tenses up anyway because she thinks I am after sex. She says she will never initiate sex, so if I want it I have to get her turned on and interested, but at the same time she hates me 'pestering' her, which seems to include hugging her. This is particularly strange as she used to initiate sex, but she denies she ever has. She also says the problem is all in my head, because she just does not think sex matters at all. I say I feel unwanted, ugly, rejected and unattractive, she seems to think there is no reason why the love of my life completely rejecting me sexually should make me feel like this. I would also stress that she tenses up when I kiss or hug her, so this isn't just about intercourse, it is about intimacy and love. So basically here is my problem, I have basically been told, if I want sex I have to approach her for it, but at the same time she doesn't want to have sex with me because she feels pestered by my approaches. If I just want a hug or kiss, she decides I am after sex and gets angry with me. *feeling very confused, rejected, low and despondent.

[dropdeadlegs]

This is just a guess, but I would say she might be feeling unappreciated in some way. Either that or she is pushing you for divorce by "alienation of affection" if that is a legal recourse in your are. It's not a recourse in my state, but it used to be.

 

Sex is an important part in a relationship. 7-10 years is when many divorces happen because the relationship becomes stale or unbearable to one partner. the "spark" is gone due to the weight of finances, children, or simply growing apart.

 

I think you have the right to expect sex, and from a willing partner, but I believe that a lack of sex is often a symptom of the actual problem, not the problem itself.

 

Talk to your wife more. Six months without is unacceptable without a health issue. Maybe she feels that any initiation by you is undesirable because you do not display as much non-sexual affection as she would like.

 

Just guesses.

[Megalith]

Thank you ddl, It is unlikely she is pushing for divorce, it's not really done where I live, people just get divorced if that is what they want to do. It is entirely possible that she feels unappreciated, I just have no idea what to do about it, I mean we are very social together we socialize together we talk together, we sit around drink coffee, laugh, chat. We're best friends. To be honest I am more bothered by the fact she thinks sex is so unimportant than by the fact I'm not getting any, more bothered that she tells me it is all my fault, seemingly for wanting it, and that I am left in this situation where I have basically been told if I touch her it is 'pestering' but if I don't she isn't going to be touching me. It's ludicrous, and I am worried for her. I don't get where all this has come from, but she tells me it is all my issue and my problem. She will not talk about it.

[dropdeadlegs]

Oh well, speaking from my past in reference to divorce and how it all started.

 

I, too, think it is something to worry about that she doesn't find sex important. How long can you live with that mindset if hers doesn't change? I went 3 months and was about to die....No it won't kill you, just make you wish you were dead.

[lovelorcet]

I used to have a slightly similar problem with my Ex. On the one hand you do have to learn to turn her on and that does not always mean though a physical means. You have to make her feel special and appreciated and that won't happen over night. Maybe even something as simple as helping her with some work around the house or cooking for her and such. You should make the effort and it really could take some time.

 

Now having said that... The fact that she claims sex is not important is unacceptable, period.

[tommyr]

In the last six months we have had sex once, we used to have a fairly full sex life, so this has come as a shock.

 

So for 8 years you guys are getting it on regularly (both partners initiating) and then *BAM* she wont initiate AND refuses all your moves? Something very odd is going on here. You are NOT weird to have a healthy desire for sex with your wife. SHE is weird to say that sex is unimportant. Beyond weird.

 

Do you have kids? Is your wife an exceptionally devoted mother to them? Just wondering.

 

My suggestion is this: plan a dinner date for Sat nite. Pick an upscale, obviously romantic restaurant known for intimate conversation between couples, and give her plenty of notice. The foreplay begins Sat morning, so just plan on being the perfect husband all day long (sorry but you just gotta do it). Enjoy the dinner together. Then when you get home, simply lead her to the bedroom (in appropriate way). If she rejects even this blatant "gonna get laid tonite" overture, CALL her on it right then and there! Insist (gently) on an explanation. Do not let her off the hook! She needs to explain why she refuses sex. Its not normal. And since you clearly want sex with her, her continued refusal will RUIN your marriage. She needs to hear that, and explain her position.

[Ladyjane14]

You're not weird. But then again, neither is your wife.

 

Female libido is not static. Women routinely will have ebbs and tides in their desire for sex over the course of their lifetime. This lop-sided libido between husband and wife is VERY common, affecting nearly all marriages eventually.

 

Women don't always prioritize sex at the same level men do. While many women enjoy a high sex drive, generally speaking... we aren't marinating in testosterone all day. It's not exactly the same biological urge that drives men.

 

Oftentimes when a woman has alot of demands on her time and energy, sex is one of the first things going over the side like so much ballast weighing her down. It's not really a conscious choice... it's just that she loses interest.

 

What many women fail to realize is that just as her man doesn't seem to understand her sexuality... she doesn't understand his. It does no good to say you love a guy, if he doesn't FEEL loved. He feels his wife's love through sexual intimacy, and not just that... but rather passionate sexual intimacy.

 

This is an important EN (emotional need) for most men. And it's not just about getting laid. It's about supporting his self-esteem, and maintaining emotional intimacy too.

 

Women on the other hand, often need to be feeling emotionally close to their mate before they can feel sexually connected with him. Like I said, we're not swimming in testosterone. We get a little boost about twice a month and that's it. A good portion of our chemical interest in sex comes from the adrenal system rather than the reproductive system. That's why sometimes it helps to take her out on a date and make a fuss over her.

 

Anyway... this problem does routinely RUIN marriages. It's imperative that the two of you educate yourselves. You might read through a copy of The Sex Starved Marriage by Glass, and also a copy of His Needs/Her Needs by Harley. I think your wife needs to get onboard and read them as well. You might also encourage her to get a check up. In some cases, there are medical reasons for a loss in sex drive.

 

It's not true that sex isn't important in marriage. When both partners are healthy enough for sexual intimacy, it improves emotional intimacy. This aspect of your relationship is what separates your wife from your buddies. It's something unique and special that you only share with each other.

[Mr. Lucky]

So for 8 years you guys are getting it on regularly (both partners initiating) and then *BAM* she wont initiate AND refuses all your moves? Something very odd is going on here.

Yep. I wonder, megalith, if you're telling us the whole story. Absent mental or physical illness, libido doesn't just suddenly stop one day and it's the abruptness of the change you descibe that has caught everyone's attention. How often did you have sex before the "change"? Any triggering events - illness, move, job or life change, etc. around that time?

 

Mr. Lucky

[My Fair Katie]

I got this way with my husband. Him touching me would make me cringe because I felt he was just after sex.

 

In reality I was incredibly depressed. I was also on hormonal birth control which killed my libido. I had no self-esteem to think I was worthy of being touched just because he loved me (and not because he wanted in my pants).

 

She should talk to her doctor.

[IWalkAlone]

If she feels sex is unimportant, then she'll tell you she wouldn't object if you did this unimportant thing with someone else?

[tanbark813]

If she feels sex is unimportant, then she'll tell you she wouldn't object if you did this unimportant thing with someone else?

 

Heh. I was thinking the same thing. I bet that would put its importance in a whole new perspective for her.

[Megalith]

Yep. I wonder, megalith, if you're telling us the whole story. Absent mental or physical illness, libido doesn't just suddenly stop one day and it's the abruptness of the change you descibe that has caught everyone's attention. How often did you have sex before the "change"? Any triggering events - illness, move, job or life change, etc. around that time?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It stopped shortly after I had a car crash, I was perfectly capable sexually but I spent a week in hospital. Perhaps something around this time triggered the issues. I am not sure, and she doesn't want to talk about it. If I try to talk about this issue she gets very angry, I feel there is something she is unwilling to communicate with me, I fear something is not alright with her, that she is keeping from me. Don't get me wrong, we have had dips in our sex life before, but never like this, and we have often discussed these in the past with both of us being focussed on resolving any issues. How often did we have sex? I would say we had some form of sex about once a week, some weeks it would be several times a day, sometimes we might not have sex for a few weeks if things were a bit hectic.

[Megalith]

If she feels sex is unimportant, then she'll tell you she wouldn't object if you did this unimportant thing with someone else?

 

She isn't bothered by the idea of me having sex with others, I have never done so because I don't want to.

[Road Rage]

Megalith

 

If she isn`t bothered by the idea of you having sex with others, that suggests she must not be in love with you. Maybe never has been.

 

But, understanding her tolerance for you to have sex with others does indicate your relationship unusual. Traditional thinking about relationships may not fit this situation.

[Mr. Lucky]

It stopped shortly after I had a car crash, I was perfectly capable sexually but I spent a week in hospital. Perhaps something around this time triggered the issues. I am not sure, and she doesn't want to talk about it. If I try to talk about this issue she gets very angry, I feel there is something she is unwilling to communicate with me, I fear something is not alright with her, that she is keeping from me.

Well, sounds like you already know the "why", you just need the "what". Unless your injuries were near death, the accident doesn't seem serious enough to account for a sudden change. Perhaps she was involved in something at the time of the crash and feels angry or guilty that you were hurt. Guilt sometimes seems like anger to a spouse as it causes one to be defensive.

 

Any ideas?

 

Mr. Lucky

[norajane]

I don't get it - she's ok with you having sex with other people, but gets very angry if you talk to her about why sex stopped after your car accident?

 

 

Have you considered asking her if she'd go to marriage counseling?

 

Did something change about you physically after your accident?

[Kenyth]

Ouch! Those are some of the symptoms displayed by someone who has had, or is having, an affair. Think of it as emotional sabotage by someone who feels the relationship is over. Many times, people will even tell themselves the relationship is over as an afterthought to validate the affair and negate the guilt. This way, it's your fault too, and if you leave them, then it will all just go away. They won't have to tell you, experience guilt, or pay consequences.

 

This doesn't mean it is so, just that it's a possibility. I think you need marital counseling for sure. Some way to get to the bottom of things. Also, keep an eye out for possible infidelity.

[Megalith]

OK I think she has been having an affair, I think I know who with, I just need to find some evidence.

[norajane]

OK I think she has been having an affair, I think I know who with, I just need to find some evidence.

 

I'm sorry that you think that's what's going on.

 

You might want to start a new thread in the Infidelity section, or read some of the threads there. There are a number of things people have done to catch cheaters, so you might get some tips.

 

You can check phone and cell phone records and see if there's a number she calls frequently and talks for a long time. You can install a keylogger on her computer and see who she's emailing and the content of her emails.

I think some people have hidden voice recorders in the suspected cheater's car, to listen to cell phone calls. They've hired PI's to follow her around.