White Lies

[Muckman]

Before my girlfriend and I got really close and 'official' we ended up sleeping together. Because she knew she had to go back to college at the end of the summer she was trying not to get attached to me. She went out one night with her friends, got drunk, and went home with one of her guy friends. She claims she does not remember what happened, just that she woke up next to him. This was after we had been together. I knew about this and was upset but it was'nt technically cheating since we were'nt an official couple. However I was still hurt because I had developed feelings for her. I forced myself to look past that because I felt she was worth it.

 

After that we got alot closer and eventually became very serious. However this incidence still bothered me. I felt Ive met someone who I have a future with however it feels like this incidence has tarnished our relationship before it has even started. We discussed this issue a few times. She didnt feel that she had cheated on me technically but didnt like the fact that I felt that she had. She had asked for my forgiveness. She even volunteered to contact this guy and ask what really happened that night. I was shocked and happy that she wanted to get a hard resolution on this matter.

 

The other night she told me she had contacted his guy and apparently nothing happened. "He was too much of a gentlemen" to do anything with her. And he told her she talked about me all night. And she volunteered all of this information. Basically everything that I wanted to hear, right?

 

Funny thing is. I know she completely made this story up. She outright lied to me! Just let me say that I am 90% positive that this is a lie, but I dont want to say how I know, just know that it is.

 

What my question is: What does this mean? All human behavior means something. Sometimes people lie for different reasons, some good, most bad. Obviously, lying to your partner in a serious relationship is not good. I have tried to analyze the meaning of this and the only positive I came up with is that she is really regrets this and is trying her best to make it go away so we can move on with our relationship. However I have found that most guilty parties who are truly sorry will open up and spill their guts asking for forgiveness.

 

I was ready to forgive and forget this entire incident before she made up this story. I realize there is alot of deeper issues at fault here but I just wanted to get some professional opinions on lies.

[Tony T]

First of all, we can't give you professional opinions here because we are not professionals. For that, you will need to see or call a licensed counsellor.

 

Now, that having been said, if nobody has told you yet you may as well find out right here....every person, everywhere on the planet is a fallible, flesh and blood human being with frailties, faults, problems, insecurities, shortcomings, etc. So if you're looking for the perfect human being, buy a rocket ship and go to another planet...but, even then, you'll be taking your chances because it may be worse elsewhere.

 

YOU ASK: "What does this mean? All human behavior means something. Sometimes people lie for different reasons, some good, most bad."

 

First of all, you are not 100 percent sure she's lying. But even if she is definitely lying about talking to this guy and other details of her encounter with him, she has lied because she loves you, she cares about you and she is no stupid broad. She knows for absolute certainty that if she told you anything other than what she told you, you would be bothered even more and the relationship would be over.

 

You have clearly shown her that if you are so upset now, you would be even more upset and the damage would be even more if she gave you different details. Further, you are not entitled to any more information than she is willing to give.

 

The problem here is yours, not hers. She made a mistake and what she did that night, the two of you not being in a committed relationship, is none of your business. She has asked for forgiveness. Of course, you don't have to give that. If you wish to withhold forgiveness, just break up with her and move on. Stop playing silly games regarding this incident. If you want to forgive her, just forget and carry on with your relationship.

 

All the days of your life, people will do things to disappoint you...get used to it. The people closest to you will often disappoint you the most. Instead of getting yourself all worked up, get used to talking things out and forgiving. Just because you're madly in love with somebody, that doesn't make them perfect by any means...that just means you don't see them the same way others do.

 

If you can't let go of what she did, on her own time and in her own life, get rid of her now because she doesn't need a man who isn't going to be mature about this stuff. All you need to do is let her know that sort of behavior is not permitted when she's in a committed relationship with you. If you don't trust her to keep her word from here on out, break it off immediately...no discussion required.

 

YOU STATE: "However I have found that most guilty parties who are truly sorry will open up and spill their guts asking for forgiveness."

 

First of all, she is neither guilty or innocent of anything. What she did, again, is none of your business. She had no obligation to you whatsoever. She is also entitled to making a mistake here and there and when that's done on her own time, that's also her business.

 

This woman is entitled to a measure of privacy. If you don't respect that, if you're going to be a butthole and hold her arse to the fire, just let her go to find a more understanding and forgiving guy. She doesn't require your forgiveness because she hasn't wronged you. She only needs to forgive herself if she feels what she actually did requires such.

 

If anybody needs to be forgiven, it's you for making yourself look so immature and rigid in your thinking. If this woman has an ounce of sense, she will start wondering if she wants to subject herself to a lifetime of being tried for her mistakes, big or small.

 

If you want to have a happy life on this planet, learn to forgive people. No human being, no...NOT even the Pope...will please you all the time. Cops lie to judges to get convictions, children lie to parents to save their butts, people cheat on their income taxes, people say nothing to store clerks when they're given too much change, people lie about income when applying for credit cards...and on and on and on.

 

Get used to it.

 

HINT: If you create an atmosphere of non-judgement and forgiveness, you might find your lady and others around you will be infinitely more forthcoming with personal details about their lives, even when you're not entitled to them.

 

Give it a try!!!

[beaker]

She knows for absolute certainty that if she told you anything other than what she told you, you would be bothered even more and the relationship would be over

This is exactly what I think too. I can understand why her night with someone else doesn't put a huge smile on your face, and I don't agree that she should have lied about it (if that's what she did), but geez! You really backed her into a corner by making it clear you wouldn't accept any reasonable answer. How someone can "tarnish a relationship" before the relationship even begins is totally beyond me. You were not dating, it was a one-time event, she was not in full control of her faculties, she never repeated it, she even asked for forgiveness (which she didn't need to do)... did I mention you weren't dating?? Arghh!

 

Ask yourself, is there anything she could have said to make you feel better about that event? Anything at all? I assume she doesn't own a time-machine that enables her to go back and erase events that have already happened, so what did you want her to say? It's not great that she caved in to your pressure and lied to you... but you're still the one who applied all that pressure, and I think that was highly unreasonable.

[Muckman]

I agree with you guys completely. I was just hung up on trying to decide the serverity of the situation. And I realize that is ultimately my decision, I just wanted some feedback from others on the matter.

 

It seems the line here that everyones argument is based upon is the fact that if we were dating or not. Its such a grey area to decide when two people are official. By my standards it began when we slept together. I slept with her because I had feelings for her.

 

Bottom line: Good advice. Im still here, shes still here. We're still a strong couple. I still love her. I need to deal with this myself for it is my problem.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Fragile]

I have been having some serious problems with my girlfriend lately, and found my way to this discussion group out of desperation, finally admitting to myself that I / we need help.

 

So far today, I've spent two hours here reading over posts, hoping to find some insight into my situation. I even wrote an anonymous email to you Tony - and then I clicked Close before sending it... after proofreading it I felt I wasn't depicting the situation accurately enough and that if I heard the wrong thing from you, I might get mad, and I wanted to avoid that happening.

 

Anyway, this post hit pretty close to home. It is not exactly what we are facing, but it has a lot of key principles that I think I personally need to learn to practice in life if I am going to successfully avoid completely screwing up my relationship with my wonderful lady. Chripes, I'm in tears just writing this... augh, I need help.

 

So thanks for this enlightening post, Tony. I'm going to go talk to her again tonight and hope that the damage we've done to our relationship so far can be undone.

[Ally Boo]

I think that it's been stated very well above. You weren't together....and it bothers you...if she went into more details, it would just make it worse. Please just drop it...you are causing your own misery.