Being put on a pedestal

[mental_traveller]

Woggle made an interesting post about the need to avoid making someone a fantasy, and instead see them for who they really are: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110476/

 

My post now is about how to avoid that the other way around. I.e. if you meet someone, you both really like each other, and it goes well, how do you avoid them idealising you and putting you on a pedestal? Not that this happens to me every day haha, don't get the wrong idea But in general, how do you get your gf/bf to have a realistic view of you, not one laden with false and unrealistic expectations? Is it a good or bad idea to try to get someone to see the real you, rather than the idealised you? And if so, how do you go about it?

[tanbark813]

Talk about your poop.

[TheDC]

I think the best way to avoid being put on a pedestal or putting someone on a pedestal is to be in a relationship with someone whom you consider an equal. I think that being put on a pedestal comes from being in a relationship where one person feels they are inferior/undeserving/lucky or whatever. Basically it comes out of an inequality in the relationship.

 

Being put on a pedestal isn't really the problem but invariably we all fall from grace and that's when it becomes problematic.

[Ripples]

If someone puts anyone on a pedestal, they probably have issues anyway and would be someone I'd want to avoid.

 

Although, having said that, I think most people have a pretty idealistic view of their partner at the beginning, but most realise it for what it is and don't get hugely disappointed when they find out the truth

[Mustang Sally]

I think the best way to avoid being put on a pedestal or putting someone on a pedestal is to be in a relationship with someone whom you consider an equal.

 

I have to agree with this, from my past experience. I only dated one guy who ever "put me on a pedestal." We were not equals (intellectually, emotionally, etc...) He was sweet in his own way, but his idealistic view of me (hard to believe anyone would have that kind of view of me!) made me queasy. Needless to say, the relationship didn't last long...

[Limerent]

But in general, how do you get your gf/bf to have a realistic view of you, not one laden with false and unrealistic expectations? Is it a good or bad idea to try to get someone to see the real you, rather than the idealised you? And if so, how do you go about it?

 

 

Having found myself in a similar situation with a man, I tried to set him straight the minute I felt that he was idealising me.

 

I sat down with him and told him that he should beware of brushing my bad habits under the carpet, and turning them into something good.

 

I briefly reminded him of all my negative attributes, and the things that would most likely be a red flag if he were to just open his eyes.

 

I warned him of becoming involved with someone based on what he thinks he knows rather than what he is sure of. I told him that this was a sure way to suffer from great disappointment in the future, should things not exactly match up to his perception.

 

I reminded him that there are times in a relationship that people tend to overlook the warning signs and red flags, and still choose to continue on with the relationship, only to come to some horrible demise, such as a broken heart or worse.

 

I gave him the example of something I did to him that if he were to just overlook (it wasnt that serious, but still) , and not seriously take a step back and assess the situation, he might be bitterly disappointed.

 

I just gave him an actual list of all my negative attributes and challanged him to consider each one thoroughly before he invests any more emotions on me.

 

And from time to time, I point out something I did wrong and mumble something about "bitter disappointments"..

 

Talk about your poop.

 

And that works too...

[CaliGuy]

Talk about your poop.

 

That would do it!

[Boond0ckSaint]

What's wrong with putting your lady on a pedestal? That's what a guy is supposed to do.

[riobikini]

re:

 

MentalTraveler: "... in general, how do you get your gf/bf to have a realistic view of you, not one laden with false and unrealistic expectations?"

 

In general, it's *time* that does the trick.

 

-Rio

[CaliGuy]

What's wrong with putting your lady on a pedestal? That's what a guy is supposed to do.

 

Boon, no you are not correct. Most people are very uncomfortable being put a pedestal for many reasons. Chief among them is the fact that if you do put them there, they'll know you are insecure. Women want to be with a man that is their equal, not a man who thinks they are unworthy of them (which putting them on a pedestal does).

 

FYI: Insecure people are extremely unattractive, regardless of their external appearance.

 

I have never been attracted to a woman who put me on a pedestal and yes, it has happened. It creeps me out. I'm a regular guy and don't want to be seen as someone who is better than his significant other.

 

Being put on a pedestal is placing high expectations on someone and makes them feel pressured.

 

So a quick summary.

 

If you put somone on a pedestal it means:

You are insecure.

You do not feel you are worthy of them.

They feel pressured.

They won't be attracted to you, regardless of how high you place them on said pedestal.

 

Don't believe me? Ask any woman or man who's been there.

[Boond0ckSaint]

Putting someone on a pedestal just shows them your admiration of them.

 

As far as the "insecure" thing goes, I never really thought about it.

 

Of course a girl is going to think I'm not worthy of her....that's because I'm not worthy of her.

[riobikini]

Recognizing someone as a valued human being is altogether different than thinking of them as Superman/Superwoman.

 

There's an *emotional* difference as well as a *physical* difference in how you treat them.

 

If you're "worshipping" someone based on fantastical ideas stubbornly generated from who/how you want them to be, you're doing two or three major things -all at the same time- which keep you mired in a partuclar pattern with *any* romantic relationship you happen to be in.

 

Mainly -and most importantly- you're exposing underlying (probably undealt-with) issues with yourself which make you vulnerable and only promote fear of loss (clinginess) and further neediness.

 

This puts at risk whatever boundaries you have developed for your personal and emotional protection.

 

It causes *denial* in facing crucial truths -not only about your partner- but also, about yourself.

 

And as for the person who's actually *on* the so-called pedestal?

 

Respect for you declines immensely over time.

 

And no one can really value anyone they have little or no respect for.

 

So it's a puppy chasing it's tail -but it begins with true recognition and respect of yourself *and* your partner.

 

-Rio

[TheDC]

Putting someone on a pedestal just shows them your admiration of them.

 

As far as the "insecure" thing goes, I never really thought about it.

 

Of course a girl is going to think I'm not worthy of her....that's because I'm not worthy of her.

 

This is the surest way of staying single. If you don't think you are worthy of her soon she will start to feel the same and then you are done.

[CaliGuy]

Putting someone on a pedestal just shows them your admiration of them.

 

As far as the "insecure" thing goes, I never really thought about it.

 

Of course a girl is going to think I'm not worthy of her....that's because I'm not worthy of her.

 

You have so much to learn, Boond0ckSaint.

 

If you don't think you are worthy, no one else will.

If you don't love who you are, no one else will.

If you are not confident in yourself, no one will be confident in you.

 

Think of it this way. You have bucket. You fill this bucket with your own confidence, love and respect for yourself. Until your bucket overflows you will have nothing left to give to someone else.

 

That's the main problem I am finding with insecure people. They are trying to love and give love to others when their own bucket is empty and that's just impossible to do.

 

You should never worship someone else. Ever. Love them, yes. Admire them, yes. Care about them, yes. Worship? No way, not if you want a healthy and lasting relationship.

[Boond0ckSaint]

This is the surest way of staying single. If you don't think you are worthy of her soon she will start to feel the same and then you are done.

 

Well, I AM single, and I pretty much know that's the way I'm gonna stay. That's just how it's meant to be for me. It's not a good or bad thing, just what I'm meant for.

[TheDC]

Well, I AM single, and I pretty much know that's the way I'm gonna stay. That's just how it's meant to be for me. It's not a good or bad thing, just what I'm meant for.

 

You're wrong it's definitely a bad thing. The reason that you are single isn't because of some grand cosmic order thing, it's because you have got it into your head that you are destined to be single. Women pick up on that and don't find it attractive at all. So what you have here is a self fulfilling prophecy. The more you act as if you should be single the less likely you are going to meet someone.

 

Once you get yourself into the right head space you'll find someone. Trust me, I finally got into the right head space, hell I wasn't even looking for a GF and managed to get one. And I like you was beginning to think that it was never going to happen for me.

[Boond0ckSaint]

You have so much to learn, Boond0ckSaint.

 

If you don't think you are worthy, no one else will.

If you don't love who you are, no one else will.

If you are not confident in yourself, no one will be confident in you.

 

Think of it this way. You have bucket. You fill this bucket with your own confidence, love and respect for yourself. Until your bucket overflows you will have nothing left to give to someone else.

 

That's the main problem I am finding with insecure people. They are trying to love and give love to others when their own bucket is empty and that's just impossible to do.

 

You should never worship someone else. Ever. Love them, yes. Admire them, yes. Care about them, yes. Worship? No way, not if you want a healthy and lasting relationship.

 

Confident in myself? What exactly do I have to be confident about? I'm HONEST about myself and what I am. I'm not going to try to fill an imaginary bucket with something that I shouldn't even be trying to falsely convince myself I should have. LOL

[Boond0ckSaint]

You're wrong it's definitely a bad thing. The reason that you are single isn't because of some grand cosmic order thing, it's because you have got it into your head that you are destined to be single. Women pick up on that and don't find it attractive at all. So what you have here is a self fulfilling prophecy. The more you act as if you should be single the less likely you are going to meet someone.

 

Once you get yourself into the right head space you'll find someone. Trust me, I finally got into the right head space, hell I wasn't even looking for a GF and managed to get one. And I like you was beginning to think that it was never going to happen for me.

 

Well, I don't even know where to begin here. A bad thing? How do you figure? Women pick up on the fact that I'm supposed to be single? They can't "pick up" on that unless I actually verbally say it. Once I get myself in the right head space, I'll find someone? When exactly was I looking? LOL....Sorry, I'm just totally confused here.

[CaliGuy]

Confident in myself? What exactly do I have to be confident about? I'm HONEST about myself and what I am. I'm not going to try to fill an imaginary bucket with something that I shouldn't even be trying to falsely convince myself I should have. LOL

 

Like I said, "Grasshoppah", you still have much, much to learn.

[Art_Critic]

I think that when you fall in love with a person that they take on a different look in your eyes..

Some may call it putting someone on a pedestal , some may call it showing someone the respect they deserve for being your SO..

 

I have never put a woman on a pedestal but I have put my SO in a position that I feel that they deserve and get a different type of respect from me than do other women in my life..

 

I always want my SO to be TOPS in my eyes and I hope I am TOPS in her eyes..

Showing someone respect and love as well as admiration isn't showing low self esteem.. it is being in love..

 

With all that being said... if someone just starts dating someone and they put them on a pedestal then maybe there are other issues at work here..

 

Rio posted that it takes time before your SO has a realistic view of you .. I believe that to be true.