Not sure what to title this. But Hi I am new here.

[CarterAmeri]

I am a new person here. I have been reading quite abit before registering.

 

Before you question my status. I will let you know I am a MW I am not involved with anyother person. I guess as I read my correct status would be that of a BS. But I am not sure if that applies since how can I be betrayed when I know what is going on.

 

My background is basically I am a W of 20 years. I married my husband and he has cheated on me. Within the past year he started a relationship with another woman. I am currently keeping my household together.

 

I have noticed alot of banter between the OW and the BS on this forum. But I have seen alot of OW changing their opinions. Is this because of have finally reliezed you arent winning in your situtations?

 

Or is that the BS made you see what you are doing?

 

I have seen some of the OW didnt know about the BF being M. Are you joking? Or did you just put a blindfold over the facts , because of idioct reasons.

 

What about the women who knew he was married? That is the status of the OW that influtrated my life. She knew. He told her. What was your thought process on that decision.

 

And now I have a question for the BS's on here. Why do you spend time talking to these women? What does it give you? A sense of comfort because you can get a heads up for the next time.

 

Why act so shocked? I knew what he was doing. I might have not cared to pay attention. But lets get to the nitty gritty here. I saw the phone calls, the text messages at dinner. The going out to run errands. What errands I cant get him to lift a finger around the house and NOW he runs errands. You mean to tell me NONE of you noticed the black and white in front of you.

[serial muse]

Ruh roh. I smell troll.

 

Lady, why on earth would you come on here and make your very first post one that pretty much bashes everybody?

 

Seriously, I do wonder what your objective is, since you, as a BS, registered on this site with the explicit purpose of asking OW questions, and yet also asking other BS' why they bother asking OW questions and posting here. Very odd.

[CarterAmeri]

Sorry, I felt I have been here for awhile. But like I admitted I just registered.

 

 

Troll you say? Why if you dont mind me asking?

 

I say things how I see them. It might come out harsh but I dont like the beating around the bush game.

 

I am curious in both aspects. And I am trying to gain a bigger picture.

[Romeo Must Die]

 

And now I have a question for the BS's on here. Why do you spend time talking to these women? What does it give you? A sense of comfort because you can get a heads up for the next time.

 

I am a BW.

 

I do as I please, and talk to whomever, wherever, also just as I please. I'm not racist. These are people with hearts as yours and mine. There are lots of OW (and BW) here that I like. There are very few that I dont like and those who certianly dont like me, especially my husbands xOW. Thats alright. I'm thick skinned. I can stand on my own. If there is a thread I dont like, I can click to another one. Easy.

 

You may not like OW, you may not like what they have decidedly chosen for themselves, but thats their problem then. Dont make it your problem. Dont aggravate yourself too much. Dont take it personally. They have their own lessons in life to learn and we just talk alot about it, thats all.

 

Yes it does help to stay informed, being stupid or naive has never helped anybody, except the one who is doing the cheating of course. lol

 

It does give me a sense of comfort to know that I am strong, independant and focused and wether or not there ever will be a "next time" I am not afraid. There are many obsticles in life. I think who you are is what really matters. Example. If my husband should cheat again, it doesnt make me a failure. That would be his failure. If I have a retailatory affair I would be the one who had failed.

 

The neat thing about reconcilling is that it heals me. It fills a big hole left inside me by the affair that divorce or remarriage would never cure.

 

Allow me finish with a question or two. Have you forgiven your husband? He cheated. He lied. He played games with your head. Does that mean you have to stop loving or caring about someone who has betrayed you? How does one stop loving someone? How do you just shut it off? Is hate enough? Do you even have to hate them? Forever? Does that make you a better person than them? Don't people deserve a second chance?

 

[serial muse]

Because the whole point of your post was to inquire why anyone even bothers posting here, and it took rather a hostile tone. Designed, from my perspective, only to stir people up, rather than to honestly elicit information. Only you can say whether that is an accurate assessment, of course. But I doubt I'll be the only one who reads it that way.

 

It's not a matter of beating around the bush. I, too, am calling it like I see it. But what, exactly, was the point of your post, other than to express some anger and frustration at both OW and BS?

[Ladyjane14]

Because the whole point of your post was to inquire why anyone even bothers posting here, and it took rather a hostile tone. Designed, from my perspective, only to stir people up, rather than to honestly elicit information. Only you can say whether that is an accurate assessment, of course. But I doubt I'll be the only one who reads it that way.

 

Rest assured, SM. You weren't the only one who read it that way.

[Ripples]

I get the sense that you are not just angry with your WS and the OW, but you're pretty damn angry with everyone. Whether that's OWs for falling in love or even BSes for not realising their H was having an affair. It's notable that you don't give much of your scorn to the MM.

 

So, that in mind, I sense that it'd be pretty hard for anyone to give you any information that you'd be happy with, or even accept.

 

However, my hesitation aside, I'll give you my reasons for coming here as a BS.

 

Initially I wanted to find the women my partner had been screwing. It was pretty unlikely they'd be here, but I really wanted to find out more about them and find out secretly. Find out what they were saying, find out if my partner really had finished with them, hoping to find them crying it was all over. I wanted to see them suffer.

 

Then my reasons for reading this board evolved into something even nastier. I wanted to read all about these 'wicked women' and know that I was better than anyone who'd have an affair with a married man.

 

After I'd got that out of my system, I started to genuninely care about some of the OW on this board. I believe, unlike you seem to, that there are good people here, I believe that many are in an affair largely through low self-esteem. Also when an OW makes the decision to split with the MM, they need support. I'm not able to offer much to them, but I look out for the times when I think I can.

 

Also unlike you, I believe there are women on this board who were duped. Who didn't realise their BF was married, initially. Some of these women finished their affairs once they realised, some are struggling to. Both are/were in quite a lot of pain. My heart goes out to them and I admire them for their strength of character in making such a hard decision.

 

I, with considerable input from some LSers, am managing to come to terms with my partner's affairs, and am now able to see that not all OW are evil, mean people (with the notable acception of RMD's), and, more importantly, these OW are not the OW, there is no point in me hating them.

 

And lastly, there but for the grace of God, go I.

[ThumbingMyWay]

And now I have a question for the BS's on here. Why do you spend time talking to these women? What does it give you?

 

hello CA - welcome

 

 

I spend time in the OW/OM forum for the hopes that someday, maybe, with my little advice or testimony that maybe just maybe....ONE of them will see the truth and make a change to the better.

 

If i can help just one OW/OM to live in truth and not a lie....then at least theres one less BS in this world.

[CarterAmeri]

I am pretty damn angry with everyone. That is correct. Someone who makes a commitment. The person who lies. The person who accepts the lies. The person who puts blinders on to the facts in front of them.

 

I have alot of questions. For everyone. Sorry , But I do.

 

Here to the OW. WHY to everything? Why do it in the first place? Why continue? Why for all the above and those I havent asked.

 

To the BS : Why do we put up with this? Why do we look for answers from these WOMEN?

 

I will apologize for my tone. But since reading and now finally posting I guess my overall outlook is coming out too quickly.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I have noticed alot of banter between the OW and the BS on this forum. But I have seen alot of OW changing their opinions. Is this because of have finally reliezed you arent winning in your situtations?

 

Or is that the BS made you see what you are doing?

 

I have seen some of the OW didnt know about the BF being M. Are you joking? Or did you just put a blindfold over the facts , because of idioct reasons.

 

What about the women who knew he was married? That is the status of the OW that influtrated my life. She knew. He told her. What was your thought process on that decision.

 

And now I have a question for the BS's on here. Why do you spend time talking to these women? What does it give you? A sense of comfort because you can get a heads up for the next time.

 

CarterAmeri,

 

I am an OW and I have been with my MM for almost a year. He has been separated for four months now. I knew he was married when I entered into my relationship with him.

 

Thought process? That's a difficult one. There wasn't a specific thought process. I just believe he is the right person for me. It's difficult to listen to your brain shouting out "He's still married!" when your heart is shouting louder.

 

As for Loveshack, OW and BS debate a lot. It's interesting, humbling, sad, to get different perspectives from both BS and OW. Many OW and many BS give amazing advice and/or thoughts on situations. It's in effort to form a deeper level of understanding of each other.

 

As for "winning" the situation, I don't see any "winners" in my situation.

 

From your post, I am assuming that the information that your husband has cheated is relatively new? I can only say that I am sorry for your situation. As I mentioned above, LS can offer insight into the situation from many perspectives. I hope you can gain strength from the forum.

[Ripples]

I am pretty damn angry with everyone. That is correct. Someone who makes a commitment. The person who lies. The person who accepts the lies. The person who puts blinders on to the facts in front of them.

 

Well being angry with the OW, the BSes, the MM that have nothing to do with you and your relationship, won't help you achieve anything.

 

Look, I don't condone affairs, I'm pretty pissed at the actions of quite a few of the OW here, but the only person who I'll affect if I get angry here will be me, and it wouldn't be good for me.

 

To the BS : Why do we put up with this? Why do we look for answers from these WOMEN?

I've never asked anything on this particular forum, I don't believe that an OW can help me. Herenow, if she's still reading this board may be able to answer this better, she had her reasons, but I think they may have been fulfilled now...

[Can'tGiveUp]

There are as many answers to your questions as there are people involved in these situations. Every person's experiences and reasons are different. I am one that very deliberately got involved with MM. Although we began our relationship when we were both separated from our respective spouses. When his W wanted to try and reconcile, we ended our relationship and he went back.

 

We were apart for about a year and a half before we began our A. Is it enough to say that the reason we did was love? That does not begin to explain the depths of my feelings, the pain I felt from being apart, the realization that while there are many single guys out there, none are as good as him. We ended the A because of many reasons but mostly the inability on his part to maintain the duality of his homelife and his life with me, and my growing discontent with the whole situation.

 

All that being said, there are other reasons I could never post here, anonymous or not. Too much information that I feel could pinpoint who we are. Like everyone else, I believe my situation is different.

 

As I said, it is over. Do I regret those extra months with him? No. Would I reengage in an A with him again? I don't think so. Would I get involved with him if he were separated again? In a heart beat.

[freakygal78]

To the BS : Why do we put up with this?

 

I have a question for you now - why did you not make provision for the fact that one day you might need to walk out? Commitment is great but when things like this happen you should be independent enough both emotionally and financially to leave. Not saying that counselling does not work in some instances but once trust has been lost like this, it is very difficult to regain.

[CarterAmeri]

I myself know I or he will walk out. That is just a matter of time. I or I should say we have other more important commitments that need to be seen through.

 

 

 

 

I have a question for you now - why did you not make provision for the fact that one day you might need to walk out? Commitment is great but when things like this happen you should be independent enough both emotionally and financially to leave. Not saying that counselling does not work in some instances but once trust has been lost like this, it is very difficult to regain.

[Romeo Must Die]

 

To the BS : Why do we put up with this? Why do we look for answers from these WOMEN?

 

 

What am I putting up with exactly? Do you mean people who are having an affair with a MM? Do you mean the fact that I talk to people who are OW in relationships such as my husbands xOW?

 

They are not her. I understand the anger. I am still very angry at my husbands xOW. I'd just as soon slit her throat than to hear her speak to me again, or my children. Much less my husband. It's probably best that we stay clear of one another.

 

There are people here with real feelings and true compassion, no matter what flag they fly. They have hearts and minds. They are not animals. They're human beings. They have problems of their own too, relationship problems, issues of the heart. The same as you and I do. It does not mean that they are not angry too, or hurt, or afraid.

 

Just because I am a BW, It hardly means I cannot be civil with an OW. Thats a negative sterotype of many BW. It's not like I am betraying my own kind by being amongst the OW from time to time. It doesnt mean I am not devoted to BW. However, If we choose to stay in a BW only environment, standing only on the sidelines and not getting involved, we can get really stuck in that way of thinking, wallow in each others misery or we can be proactive and look for a way up. Have you ever noticed that it helps to take your mind off of things to help someone else that is in trouble? Its the truth. So really, what does it matter if I help a BW, or I help an OW when she is in trouble and needs understanding?

 

We just like to talk. This is an open forum and a middle ground for asking questions, listening and discussing things that are important to us. You would be suprised how many OW there are that are relieved not to get flamed by BW because of their title, as you will find in some OW that will reach out to you despite being our "natural enemies" and they wont laugh at you or make you feel persecuted or ridiculed either. You just have to show them the same courtesy you would expect to receive in return.

 

[CarterAmeri]

I guess more or less I am wondering what insight anyone being a BS has gotten from the OW on here. I have hardly seen any with remorse or selfrespect. Sorry, but that is my opinion.

 

The OW in my life isnt here as far as I know. But what insight can she give me. If she was or even if I pick up the phone and ask her.

 

What is she going to say to easy my mind about my husband. Is she going to give me all the answers to why he is the way he is . Why he does crap around the house , and when he does is about his things.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Insight is different to looking for "remorse" or "selfrespect" CA. That's more like looking for an apology.

[CarterAmeri]

Her apologies are meaningless to me. She can save that for someone WHO might care.

 

Just noticing a lack of respect from some OW on here about a marriage.

[Can'tGiveUp]

Her apologies are meaningless to me. She can save that for someone WHO might care.

 

Just noticing a lack of respect from some OW on here about a marriage.

 

Ahh...back to the OW should respect the marriage more than the MM? I dealt with my marriage. We ended it without there being any third party involved. I did what I could to save it and we both respected it and our vows while we were married. It was mine and my H's marriage. No one else's.

 

His marriage is his and W's. It is their's to respect.

[CarterAmeri]

So you dont have to respect it. You can stomp all over it. Give him advice or ask him to leave. Where is the human respect? Or is a OW an entirely different breed?

 

 

Ahh...back to the OW should respect the marriage more than the MM? I dealt with my marriage. We ended it without there being any third party involved. I did what I could to save it and we both respected it and our vows while we were married. It was mine and my H's marriage. No one else's.

 

His marriage is his and W's. It is their's to respect.

[serial muse]

I guess more or less I am wondering what insight anyone being a BS has gotten from the OW on here. I have hardly seen any with remorse or selfrespect. Sorry, but that is my opinion.

 

The OW in my life isnt here as far as I know. But what insight can she give me. If she was or even if I pick up the phone and ask her.

 

What is she going to say to easy my mind about my husband. Is she going to give me all the answers to why he is the way he is . Why he does crap around the house , and when he does is about his things.

 

But that's just it - no OW can give you answers about why your husband didn't respect his marriage. I'm not saying that makes it okay - I'm opposed to affairs, being a BS myself (long since divorced, however).

 

But as satisfying as an apology from the OW would be (and believe me, I would have loved to know she felt awful about it, at the time) your husband is the only one who can answer the questions you posted.

 

What I initially came here for was to humanize the "other side." I don't agree with the choice to enter into an affair for reasons such as the love was overwhelming - I'm a bit more of the "you do have control over your own actions, and are responsible for your own choices" camp, and I think that love is often confused with passion and attraction, which is a very different beast - but I also don't see any reason to demonize people who are honestly conflicted. And it has been helpful to me to see that many OW are as conflicted and confused as I was. I have gained a great deal of perspective, from being here. The smug people irritate me, yes, because I think they're rather blind and prefer to discount anyone who disagrees with them. But that is true of anyone who is smug, on either side.

 

Personally, I just don't trust people who don't ask themselves tough questions and insist on avoiding healthy doubt. Being here has led me to ask myself tough questions about who I am in relationships, and what I can do to make them different. Whether or not I would change fundamentals, I don't know, but I think my awareness of what the issues are, and where things can start to go wrong, has grown exponentially.

 

There are people who are smug on here, certainly. But there are many, many people on here that I think are troubled and confused and unsure and have been lied to repeatedly - both OW and BS. And I see their hurt and confusion, and believe me, I can relate to that, and so, I would like to help, if I can.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Her apologies are meaningless to me. She can save that for someone WHO might care.

 

Just noticing a lack of respect from some OW on here about a marriage.

 

OW/OM are always going to be judged for having a lack of respect about Marriage. However, I must note, it was the H who entered into the marriage. Yes, OP get involved with someone in a marriage, so I can understand the lack of respect issue. But it was not the OP who took the vows.

 

I'm not trying to swerve from blame in anyway, I did get involved with a MM. That was my choice and I deal with it, as all OP's do in my own way.

[freakygal78]

Just noticing a lack of respect from some OW on here about a marriage.

 

Sure I have a lack of respect for marriage because it didn't respect me - I left my loser of an ex-H 6 years ago. That aside, I didn't set out to ruin anyone else's either and didn't in the end - I think you're missing part of the loop here in that your husband is a guilty party here and not just the OW.

 

I just have been involved in as well as witness SO much codependency where people stay in a dysfunctional relationship and then something like an affair happens to make people wake up and smell the coffee that something is wrong or one of the spouses are being selfish - whatever - yes, marriage takes work, I was with mine 7 years but in the end one needs to have the grace and yes, self-respect also to know when to walk out. People cling onto cheating partners and substance abusers for dear life and I just wonder why???

[CarterAmeri]

I am fully awared he has a lack of respect for this marriage.

 

And I am sure when he marries her , he will have that lack of respect also.

[BUTAFLY]

I spend time in the OW/OM forum for the hopes that someday, maybe, with my little advice or testimony that maybe just maybe....ONE of them will see the truth and make a change to the better.

 

If i can help just one OW/OM to live in truth and not a lie....then at least theres one less BS in this world.

 

This is very telling. I use to think the same way. I was looking to change others perpectives. But in actuality I was looking to change my current situation by projecting my perceptions onto people who represented my xmm and xmm wife. IT doesn't work people. It is Sooooooo unhealthy for BS to look for explaination and answer from people who is NOT There OW/OM. YOur never going to find it here. no matter how much it hurts you have to turn towards the person who hurt you to get the answers. The third party in your situation will not have that for you only the WS. I know its tough and a dark place to go, but it the only way your gonna be able to move on. Some BS have been cheated on years, if not decades ago....its time to face your real life & once and for all get over it