Not sure what to title this. But Hi I am new here.

[serial muse]

This is very telling. I use to think the same way. I was looking to change others perpectives. But in actuality I was looking to change my current situation by projecting my perceptions onto people who represented my xmm and xmm wife. IT doesn't work people. It is Sooooooo unhealthy for BS to look for explaination and answer from people who is NOT There OW/OM. YOur never going to find it here. no matter how much it hurts you have to turn towards the person who hurt you to get the answers. The third party in your situation will not have that for you only the WS. I know its tough and a dark place to go, but it the only way your gonna be able to move on. Some BS have been cheated on years, if not decades ago....its time to face your real life & once and for all get over it

 

i think that's true - if what you're looking for are absolute explanations. of course, you can't get those from anyone but the people specifically involved.

 

But there are general truths as well, that have more fluidity but still apply. i will say this - I had a lot of self-esteem issues as a result of my exH's betrayal several years ago, and those impacted the next relationship I embarked on. that's what brought me to LS initially (although I didn't visit the OW/OM board at first). I started reading LS to feel less alone in what I was going through.

 

The questions I had, when I came here, weren't about him anymore - I really was done with that. I think I understand him quite well at this point, and have moved on. I don't think he's a monster, but I do think he is not a healthy person, and was certainly not healthy for me. So I'm glad he's gone, basically.

 

But being here has helped me focus on myself. Although I was done with him, I still had many, many trust issues and fears about relationships in general that were new to me, as a result of the affair. I found them terrifying, and it is those fears that have taken a lot longer to deal with (it's been about 3 years now). I felt as though his betrayal had opened up an abyss of uncertainty and confusion beneath my feet that I never even knew was there, and learning to live with, and to accept, that uncertainty has been a journey, let me tell you.

 

I think that being here, and reading these stories - including, I must say, the sameness of so many of them - has made the universality of this pain and fear of uncertainty much clearer to me. I don't see BS and OW as so very different - the majority of OW here believe in the power of the love they share with their MM, and an unbreakable bond - just as many BS did/do. Facing the prospect that that bond might not be so unbreakable can be terrifying. So I don't despise them; I ache for them. But I also hope that both BS and OW will find courage to face the unknown, just as I hope I will.

 

We're all facing many of the same fears, people are deathly afraid of the unknown, which includes being alone, and people cling to unhealthy relationships out of a fear that they will be.

 

An interesting thing is that a number of BS end up becoming OW - and I'm sure the reasons for that are varied. But to some extent, I would imagine that it can happen when the deep issues that welled up when such trust was broken were never properly dealt with. One such issue is that the WS has rocked your world, and made it appear that no one is trustworthy, so why fight it? It's as a BS-turned-OW earlier said on this thread - of course, she no longer thinks much of marriage.

 

I struggle with that myself, but the thing is, I guess I don't want to approach my life that way. I want to believe that learning to trust, learning to let go a little and to live in uncertainty and still find joy, is only a matter of time. But that is why I think it's vitally important to deal with those issues of trust head-on, and acknowledge that, although someone else may appear to alter your reality, you still do have many, many choices about how to proceed. The WS made you suddenly, jarringly, see it a different way, perhaps, but they did not create this new reality - they only changed how you see it. They don't have any real power over its essence.

[Can'tGiveUp]

So you dont have to respect it. You can stomp all over it. Give him advice or ask him to leave. Where is the human respect? Or is a OW an entirely different breed?

 

I never asked him to leave. He will leave when he decides he has to for himself, or she will leave when she decides she has to (which is more likely since she ended the marriage the first time). I have done far less damage to his marriage than his W has. I would love to clarify that further, however that leads to the realm of too much information.

 

Are the OW a different breed? I think not. If you have read as much in this forum as you said you had, then you will know that many of the OW struggle with the realities of their situation. Very few think that it is "right" and even less are truly happy.

 

I am no longer a factor in his life. With the exception of one email conversation that consisted mostly of pleasant generalities, we have had no contact for over a month. I respect his decision to continue to try and make his marriage work.

 

All that being said, the point I was trying to make earlier is don't expect the OW to have more respect for a marriage than the people who are married. It is their marriage and IMHO her involvement is just a symptom of problems in that marriage. The truly disrespectful one is the MM/WS. That is where the bulk of the blame lies. Instead of questioning why she is involved with MM, the question is why is he involved with the OW?

[puddleofmud]

Thank you, RMD. Your response actually got me a little ver-clempt. You are an amazing woman...

 

I am a BW.

 

I do as I please, and talk to whomever, wherever, also just as I please. I'm not racist. These are people with hearts as yours and mine. There are lots of OW (and BW) here that I like. There are very few that I dont like and those who certianly dont like me, especially my husbands xOW. Thats alright. I'm thick skinned. I can stand on my own. If there is a thread I dont like, I can click to another one. Easy.

 

You may not like OW, you may not like what they have decidedly chosen for themselves, but thats their problem then. Dont make it your problem. Dont aggravate yourself too much. Dont take it personally. They have their own lessons in life to learn and we just talk alot about it, thats all.

 

Yes it does help to stay informed, being stupid or naive has never helped anybody, except the one who is doing the cheating of course. lol

 

It does give me a sense of comfort to know that I am strong, independant and focused and wether or not there ever will be a "next time" I am not afraid. There are many obsticles in life. I think who you are is what really matters. Example. If my husband should cheat again, it doesnt make me a failure. That would be his failure. If I have a retailatory affair I would be the one who had failed.

 

The neat thing about reconcilling is that it heals me. It fills a big hole left inside me by the affair that divorce or remarriage would never cure.

 

Allow me finish with a question or two. Have you forgiven your husband? He cheated. He lied. He played games with your head. Does that mean you have to stop loving or caring about someone who has betrayed you? How does one stop loving someone? How do you just shut it off? Is hate enough? Do you even have to hate them? Forever? Does that make you a better person than them? Don't people deserve a second chance?

 

[Romeo Must Die]

Okay, stop it now before you get me all verkelmpt, too :' )

[puddleofmud]

Welcome to the forum and I truly wish for you to find the answers/ healing you need.

In order to do so it would be helpful if your self-expression could be more "diplomatic"?

We ALL understand pain, frustration, anger and need and we are all here to explore with each other.

Please accept my sincere concern regarding your hurt and I would be kind to your heart by whatever means available--as would all here.

However, please internalize that NO ONE HERE on this forum did this to you, thus none are your "enemy"!

I have found some very lovely friends in a place I never expected and this has been a great gift--so open yourself to the giving.

Best wishes and sweet hugs to you!

[lovernotafighter]

RMD... I have to say you have really impressed me and you know very well I am a @sshole..so that's says allot.

 

NF actually lately has to or perhaps I'm a little soft? I am proud of her 180 turn around actually. she knows I love her.

 

that being said let me focus on thread at hand.

 

CarterAmeri i read through this thread and it is obvious since you are staying to that turd husband of yours you have to focus your anger some where and if you live with the guy, well who could really live there life hating on their spouse huh?

 

so predator number deuce is the devil OW who like a monster in the night just came in and forced your ever loving husband to do her whims and kiss her @ss and sex her up every which way but lose...after all it's not like your husband has a brain of his own and like a lemming he followed this pied piper into her Chamber of darkness to feast upon his loins...or something along those line, correct?

 

here's the post I love most though..

 

I guess more or less I am wondering what insight anyone being a BS has gotten from the OW on here. I have hardly seen any with remorse or self respect. Sorry, but that is my opinion.

 

remorse or self respect?? that always kills me when I hear that because just because the OW/OM loves and likes sex that must make them a self loather..Pa Lease!

 

and then ask the the BS's on this site why would they ever talk to women 'like these' (from earlier post of coarse) it's obvious what your implying so I'll just bite my lip for the moment while I go on to say the OW/OM and every BS's on LS has joined this site for a reason..we all share a common problem and it's nice to get support in any form they wish from who ever they wish with out people like you judge judy asking them 'why' like it's wrong "how dare you BS's tsk! you all have some nerve after all CA says so"

 

I will also like to add despite the few squabbles we all (bs's and ow's) have shown we have morals, we have self respect but we just share some pain from time to time. no one I have seen that comes here is evil save one.

 

Me

 

and now you have to deal with me.

 

I am in essence everything you hate..I have respect to the point my ego is so inflated not even the likes of you can shoot it down. if I told you the truth about me you wouldn't believe it..but let me just say I am drop dead gorgeous, college educated, independent and loooove sex and more importantly I love sex with my sexy part time lover and one of my best friends...my MM.

 

I originally came here because I found myself in the terrible predicament of being in love with a married man however since I eat children for supper and I found out his wife is just like you well I can tell I hardly care less and since I don't want a future with my lovely MM I will use him and then when we are caught just walk away...after all his wife will forgive him cause the devil made him do it and the devil (me) is totally untouchable.

 

I have boyfriends, I have girlfriends, I have a separated husband I still carry on with but my favorite one is my MM and bitter old twats like you make me feel totally justified ..so thanks.

 

see ya sucker.

[lovernotafighter]

sorry about any typo's I really just can't be bothered to fix them.

[Romeo Must Die]

Thanks LNF. Thats sweet. I dont think you are an @sshole. I laugh too much reading your posts to hate you. So you arent fooling me, chick. Not one little bit. You just never take any sh*it you dont deserve from people and neither do I. We grown, woman.

 

Eating babies omg, lmao

 

[freakygal78]

LNAF - LMFAO! Now that was quite a rant.....eeek! Remind me not to get on YOUR bad side!

[CarterAmeri]

Thanks for your opinion. I have now seen the errors of my ways. With ever rule there is an exception. You certainly fill the exception to the rule. You seem to have everything going for you. Only problem seems to be the fact what you have going for you seems to be little pieces of other peoples lives.

 

Yes, the little piece of other peoples lives. Have you considered getting a whole life of your own. A well-educated women would see that a whole life of their own would be a good life. You are fully aware that your MM will not leave and be with you. No, you rather use him, and Then when he gets caught you can throw him out. WOW. And when his children are crying at night because mommy and daddy are fighting. You can sleep tight next to the next victim of yours.

 

Nice comment about children. Not only is your life a fragment of pieces the lack of morality you have is quite outstanding.

 

I dont will not bother shooting your ego down. You will be and are doing that yourself at this very moment. I am happy that you found yourself in such a position that not one person you have mentioned in your life is willing to give you 100%. Yes, you are such a catch.

 

As a matter of fact. I am the one thing you hate. A wife that stays around. For whatever reason. I am the person who you want to be. My home , My family and most important my husband. And soon you ( generalization here ) you can have him. After he is used and worthless to anyone. You might have him in your bed. But he will always have an attachment to me the WIFE. He will call me, He will still care about me. No he might be sleeping with me, Might not be gracing my door everyday. BUT I WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN.

 

 

You ( generalization here) will be forgotten. You will be a distance bad memory and a MISTAKE. Memories of you will be filled with regret and guilt.

And in time a minor speed bump. That is what bothers you the most. While you think about the happy memories with him. He will remove you from his memory like a dirty wash cloth. You will look at the things he has gotten you. Tokens of his love. As the ones you gave him will litter a local landfill. And then just maybe a poor homeless person will take them and interior decorate his cardboard shack with those tokens.

 

 

Your tears will fall on an empty pillow. Your thoughts will never be touched. you will be left an empty shell. You might look good on the outside , but in the inside you will be empty and broken.

 

So you might have given me your two cents. But I will refund that two cents and replace it with two quarters. You sound like you might need them for the meter outside the thereapist office.

 

 

( YOU IS USED IN THIS THREAD AS A GENERALIZATION TO THE OW. YOU IS NOT IN USE HERE TO A CERTAIN PERSON.

[Kathleen]

Ouch CarterAmeri. Where is that coming from?

[frannie]

As a matter of fact. I am the one thing you hate. A wife that stays around. For whatever reason. I am the person who you want to be. My home , My family and most important my husband. And soon you ( generalization here ) you can have him. After he is used and worthless to anyone. You might have him in your bed. But he will always have an attachment to me the WIFE. He will call me, He will still care about me. No he might be sleeping with me, Might not be gracing my door everyday. BUT I WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN.

 

 

You ( generalization here) will be forgotten. You will be a distance bad memory and a MISTAKE. Memories of you will be filled with regret and guilt.

And in time a minor speed bump. That is what bothers you the most. While you think about the happy memories with him. He will remove you from his memory like a dirty wash cloth.

 

Got any more glad tidings where those came from..?

 

Seriously, I don't know what you're getting out of this, but I hope things get better for you soon.

[CarterAmeri]

I am feeling better everyday. Dont worry about how I am feeling. Its the mental stability of the OW I would be worried about.

[stillhere]

No need to worry about my mental state, this OW is very stable. I can also vouche for LNF and say hers is very stable as well. It would be a waste of a therapists time for either one of us to grace them with our presense.

 

I think the thing that bothers you the most is that our MM's do love us, and that the possible mistake is you. You said it yourself, you or your H will leave, it's only a matter of time.

 

So instead of worrying about us OW's, maybe you should be spending your precious time at home dealing with your family instead of attacking us unknowns on the computer.

 

Maybe you should be the one seeing the therapist, since you're the all serious one. The rest of us just think this is funny.

[CarterAmeri]

How funny was Christmas? Or Valentines Day. Or Easter. Or any holiday.

 

I know what my future holds. Divorce Papers and a check. He will pay out of his ass.

 

Yours, ( generalization again) lets see tears. Empty broken soul. You might get lucky and he will leave. Be with you. And then you can put your money together. Struggle and pay me ( Generalization of the WIFE) my alimony payment. Child support and whatever else I ask for because he will give it to me. Because he feels guilty what he did to me and the family.

 

( AGAIN ME AND YOU ARE GENERALIZATION FOR THE WIFE AND OW)

[PollyPocket]

I beg to differ sweetie. OUR Husbands only USE things like you then throw them away. OUR Husbands don't use us. A wife is treated better than an old rag.

[stillhere]

My holidays were just fine, thanks for asking. I see him on every single holiday, except Christmas, and that's fine. I really wasn't bothered by it. We are both scrooges when it comes to that day. We did speak on the phone for about an hour though.

 

If we do end up together, we won't struggle. I'm not worried about it in the least. If that time comes, we will cross that bridge when we get there. Nothing you say to me will "burst my little bubble", your words have fallen on deaf ears (and blind eyes!).

 

Like i said, your time would be much better spent at home. Taking care of your family and keeping them together. It would be much easier on everyone for you and your H to have an amicable divorce.

[stillhere]

I beg to differ sweetie. OUR Husbands only USE things like you then throw them away. OUR Husbands don't use us. A wife is treated better than an old rag.

 

 

Sweetie? Thanks, i get that a lot!

 

Call it whatever you want if it makes you feel better!!

[CarterAmeri]

So is he leaving for you? Or havent you reached her pedestal yet.?

[stillhere]

I don't have anything to explain to you, and i'm surely not gonna get myself kicked off of this site. I have too much fun here!! It's quite addictive.

 

I refuse to get into a p*ssing match with BS's like you and PP.........waste of my time.

 

I hope you have a wonderful day. Mine has started out extraordinary, and will end the same way!

[CarterAmeri]

So does that mean crying because he isnt around will happen when.

 

I have kleenex? just got back from the store I have a nasty cold. But I could share the kleenex.

[Ripples]

Can't you see what you're doing, CarterAmeri? You're not only winding yourself up, further and further, but you're giving every OW out there the perfect example of why their MM are having affairs and why they should be absolutely fine with continuing the affair. You're portraying the BS as bitter, twisted, angry and out of control. Why on earth would any H not want to escape it?

 

Also, you keep saying you or him are leaving etc. etc. so why be angry? Save your energy for your lawyer and making a good case to get everything you want.

 

Seriously, if you want to bitch about the OW, come over to the Infidelity board.

[MoonGirl]

Polly,

 

I'm sorry to say this, but your husbands are using you BWs like dirty old dishrags. I'm not saying you deserve this treatment. Certainly, you don't. If he wants to be with someone else, then he should have left you first.

 

CA,

 

I agree with Ripples. You really are reinforcing what the OWs hear so often from the MM. "My wife is nasty, bla bla bla". I just don't see why you have so much interest in the OWs here. YOUR husband is cheating on you. He is lying to you and he is probably lying to the OW too. HE is the one who decided to do this to you. From what I understand, the OW doesn't know you or your kids. She has no idea who it is that she is hurting. Your H probably tells her all sorts of things about you that allow her to justify her behavior. I just don't understand why you direct so much anger at the OW instead of your H.

[freakygal78]

Well gee seems as if you have not even two quarters CA, you are coming here for FREE and p*ssing all over the OW for your own gratification.....you are acting out of HURT

 

you are making a case of sex vs stability??? you know what? don't really seem you have a lot that at the moment do you? if the husband never forgets, it's usually also because he CAN'T and I believe it's called alimony.....

[lovernotafighter]

LMFAO!!!!

 

CA I must say I am so glad to see I can make you react the way I predicted you would, I love being right all the time, provides me with real pleasure.

 

but I would ask you in the future if you are going to battle with with me to please be original and witty, you are going to suck the fun out it for me from being sooo boring...I barely have time to come here any way the least you can do is be interesting.

 

please, huh?

 

I understand you are trying to stir up a hornets nest by taking my barbs you wish to throw at me and toss them around to all the other OW's here but for my own entertainment purposes I am just gonna pretend that what you have to say was only for me, after all I am the one twisting your emotional thumb screws (with delight I confess)

 

okay I don't need to explain anything to the likes of you however since you couldn't be more wrong I feel I can give you a sample of what being someone as awesome and adored as me is like.

 

I don't just seem to have everything going for me...I actually do..I live my life like a movie star and it's little pieces of my life that people try to grab out of the air while I am fleeting by them in all my glory...if they don't actually get freely from me a piece of my life I choose to give them then they are chasing my coat tails.

 

you are wrong about me hating the wife...hating any one to me is just a huge waste of time..life is fun and frolic, it's a joy and I have no time for anything that is alternate to what I am a costumed which is a grandiose love fest , I win the popularity contest each and everyday.

 

but heres the thing which you miss in your statements CA my MM and your husband alike will never forget there other woman even if they want to,do you realise why?

 

because thier WIVES won't allow it...women like you are your own worst enemy CA. even if my MM wanted whole hearted to forget me do you really think his bitter wife will let him forget what he did with me....you can bet your life she won't.

 

and if my MM at this point of coarse because I do admit for fat minuet of my life I was blinded with love for him, if he indeed left I wouldn't take him and his baggage for a second...it will in fact 'cramp' my style.

 

and truth be told CA my MM is preparing to leave his wife as I type this..he demands to know there is hope with me and it is I who won't give it to him.

 

and for the record I am also the one who is leaving my husband. you see I just don't want to be some mans kept woman and put all my eggs in one basket...been there, done that, bought a tee shirt.

 

so there is plenty of people giving me 100% I just don't except it.

 

now I am living the life I want and it's a bit on the narcissist side but so be it..I played your game and it blows..it might be good for you, and more power to ya..but I sure as sh*t don't need anyone or anything getting in my way...I enjoy life CA do you?

 

when you finally find yourself and live a life just for you you might be able to wrap your pretty little mind around mine but until then don't bother trying.

 

however I will still lurk around here cause I'm taking a shine to you I just hope your insults get a little sharper (yawn)