Not sure what to title this. But Hi I am new here.

[movinon05]

OMG! LNF! I think I'm in love with you!!!! LMAO!

[lovernotafighter]

OMG! LNF! I think I'm in love with you!!!! LMAO!

 

Hey MO!! I tired to tell CA I have that effect on people she just doesn't buy it I guess LOL! you know I lover you too!!

 

 

okay I think it's time again to use The Chewbacca Defense...

 

fact: Chewbacca is a Wookie

 

false: I was 40th president of the United States

 

there for logically if the majority of the Wookies live on the forest planet of Kashyyk and not Endor then CA needs to go to Surviving Infidelity where she belongs

 

 

 

High I am new and I hate you all ...I am gonna jump out of a window during my son's birthday party screaming "it's all for you Damion" then buy a large obnoxious Rottweiler to keep me warm at night

[crazy_grl]

Clearly the OP is hurt and venting her frustrations in a way that can offend people. It's all about her husband's affair and his OW, not about any other OWs. And, yes, she does seem to be projecting those issues onto others.

 

But the OWs sending accusations her way seem to be just as guilty as what they're accusing her of. Why do you feel like you need to make her feel bad? If you're happy with yourselves and feel justified with what you're doing, why do you need to fuel the fire? Just ignore her, because all your nastiness is doing is giving her more reason to be angry with the OW (just like she's giving you reason to see BS's as the nasty shrews MM portray them to be).

 

If you all have frustrations to vent out, vent them where they deserve to be vented: to the MM.

 

To the OP: Unless you are looking for a fight, you'd be best to stick to the Infidelity forum for awhile, at least until you progress a bit farther in your coping with the affair. You seem like you're still sensitive about it and directing your anger at the wrong people.

[lovernotafighter]

any one with the audacity to put any contributing members of this forums morals and logic and basically their lives and personalities under their tight scrutiny deserves what ever the hell we fell like dishing out to them.

 

besides she loves it or she wouldn't goad us on now would she?

 

also if I'm wrong I don't wanna be right.

[crazy_grl]

That's well and good, but don't try to make yourself out to be any better than her if that's the attitude you take.

[erika2610]

any one with the audacity to put any contributing members of this forums morals and logic and basically their lives and personalities under their tight scrutiny deserves what ever the hell we fell like dishing out to them.

 

besides she loves it or she wouldn't goad us on now would she?

 

also if I'm wrong I don't wanna be right.

 

While I don't like a few of the BS that have blown in here lately, they still don't deserve "whatever the hell we feel like dishing out to them", IMO. That makes you no better than them. If a member gets under your skin, just ignore them. It's not hard to just scroll by, or hit "ignore".

[Romeo Must Die]

LOL @ LNF

 

After reading that post I almost spit out my apple jacks (oops) I meant babies.

 

[RealityCheck]

any one with the audacity to put any contributing members of this forums morals and logic and basically their lives and personalities under their tight scrutiny deserves what ever the hell we fell like dishing out to them.

 

besides she loves it or she wouldn't goad us on now would she?

 

also if I'm wrong I don't wanna be right.

 

SLAM AND DUNK IT!!! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

 

Niiiiiice LNF, very Niiiice

 

I'm luvin it!

 

MO and I are in the wings and we couldn't be more proud of you then all of who you are!

 

You go girl!!! :love: :love:

[stillhere]

SLAM AND DUNK IT!!! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

 

Niiiiiice LNF, very Niiiice

 

I'm luvin it!

 

MO and I are in the wings and we couldn't be more proud of you then all of who you are!

 

You go girl!!! :love: :love:

 

 

I'm right along with MO and RC!!! LNF, you are the best!!!

 

Oh, and glad to see you RC!!! It's been awhile!!

[Babybird]

LNAF I would love to have you tell off my ex-H. LOL

 

After reading through every response in this thread the one thing I can't figure out is why no one ever seems to hold MM/MW accountable for their actions. I mean seriously it takes two to tango so why is the BS tend to blame only the OW/OM? Has their anger for their spouse already subsided? Getting answers from the OW/OM only explains why we(OP) were involved not why MM/MW was.

 

Oh and back to the original questions: I knew he was married and had a child. I have no respect for his marriage vows because I didn't make them or break them. He did. The relationship has been going on for a year now and I have NO intentions of ending it. I love him because I see the best parts of him. When we are together he is relaxed, happy, not stressing over every little thing she tells him he screwed up, a great conversationalist, an incredible lover and that's just the beginning.

 

Just to point out one other thing about the MM...they love their OW because they don't nag, bitch, and moan over things like taking out the trash and money. In a round about way the OP is everything good that their spouse isn't(to them anyways).

 

After digesting what the author that started this thread has to say assures me that if this was anything close to the homelife, if her true colors are really shining through and she treats him this way.....wow! And that's all I'm saying.

[Ripples]

For me, personally, it was easier to be angry with the OW than with my partner. I suppose I needed to vent and I wanted to hurt someone who had hurt me. Yes, my partner had been the main instigator of my pain, but if I'd hurt my partner as much as I wanted to, I'd be in prison Although, and correct me if I'm wrong, I don't think I've actually taken my own stuff out on anyone here.

 

There is another side too, I recognise that the problems in my relationship that led to my partner having affairs, were partly my own doing. Consequently I felt somewhat responsible for his state of mind. However, I don't feel responsible for the state of mind of the OW. In my opinion, as soon as they knew he was seriously involved elsewhere, they had the choice to move on or not. Not for my sake, I hasten to add, but for the man they professed to love and for themselves - who they also professed to love!

 

Going on from that, I still can't get my head around being a MM's OW but still valuing and loving yourself as an OW. It seems such a juxtaposition.

 

Your point about getting answers from the OP only explains why they were involved, is very relevant. It's taken on board.

[Babybird]

Personally, I have more self-respect and love for myself than I have in a long time. My MM has not only boosted my self-esteem but has encouraged me to better myself in ways that I never would've had the courage to do before. It's strange to see myself now vs. 3 years ago. Not only physically but I am emotionally stronger. Three years ago I was an emotional wreck. Drank too much, cried for no reason, was too scared to leave my cheating husband...I was pathetic. Now I am supporting my 3 children, drink 1/4 as much as I used to and actually have confidence. Not to mention the 75 lbs. I lost. In summary, loving him has brought out the best qualities of myself, things I forgot I was good at. Things I once thought were only a dream are now being accomplished. Because of myself and determination and because of his love and encouragement. I doubt I would've got this far without him.

 

When my ex-H cheated I was furious with him. I was never really mad at her. I never have been able to figure out why I wasn't mad at her. His infidelity eventually led to our divorce. In the same way I have no remorse about the A I'm having now, he had no remorse about the affairs he had. I couldn't forgive him if he wasn't sorry.

[Ripples]

You had very little self-respect and the MM gave it to you.

 

I feel high self-esteem, when gained through another person, isn't high self-esteem. When we allow ourselves to judge our worth through other people's eyes, it isn't of any value. When a person 'gives' us our self-worth, we can only retain it through that person. Unless, of course, we manage to learn to give it to ourselves.

 

Once we are able to love ourselves, then we will look after ourselves and part of that, I think, is not putting ourself in harmful situations, potential or otherwise. I believe that being an OW is incredibly emotionally damaging, not just to the MM and his wife, but to the OW herself.

 

Your post, I'm afraid, has only reinforced my opinion that one of the reasons, if not the reason, for becoming an OW and remaining an OW, is low self-worth.

[crazy_grl]

After reading the responses to this thread, I've lost a lot of the respect I had gained for OW. I don't know what happened to the caring, insightful and thoughful OW who used to post on this forum, but I wish they'd come back. It seemed like they used to be the majority, now if this thread is any indication, there are only a few left.

 

I'll leave you all alone to beat up on the OP, who's clearly hurt and not in that much different of a situation than any of you OW are.

[puddleofmud]

"After digesting what the author that started this thread has to say assures me that if this was anything close to the homelife, if her true colors are really shining through and she treats him this way.....wow! And that's all I'm saying."

 

We don't know how her MM treats her-- other then and only that he is/was having an affair.

Thus, I feel we shouldn't unfairly assume anything about that any more then the starter of thread should assume all OW are alike..

A good look at this board would bring to light that all OW/BS, natures of affairs etc. are not alike but some do share some commonalties.

As far as what CA husband is like with his OW--it is my humble opinion that she should ask HIM and demand the answers she needs and/ or find a therapist to help deal w/ the anger and negative emotions which may be affecting the entire family (no blame about that--it is a horrific and seemingly damning situation for ANYONE when they are betrayed!).

As to where the blame lies or as to whom to blame may no longer be the objective.

Being healthy for the sake of one's survival and the well-being of one's family may be what would be better served.

[NearlyThere]

You had very little self-respect and the MM gave it to you.

 

I feel high self-esteem, when gained through another person, isn't high self-esteem. When we allow ourselves to judge our worth through other people's eyes, it isn't of any value. When a person 'gives' us our self-worth, we can only retain it through that person. Unless, of course, we manage to learn to give it to ourselves.

 

Once we are able to love ourselves, then we will look after ourselves and part of that, I think, is not putting ourself in harmful situations, potential or otherwise. I believe that being an OW is incredibly emotionally damaging, not just to the MM and his wife, but to the OW herself.

 

Your post, I'm afraid, has only reinforced my opinion that one of the reasons, if not the reason, for becoming an OW and remaining an OW, is low self-worth.

 

Hi Ripples

 

I would just like to ask you a question if you dont mind, and I really dont mean this in an inflammatory way. I found one of your other threads very interesting, I dont know if you remember it, but it was about your H or SO telling the OW about being unhappy, which I believe that you agreed he way and you could understand how she then made the own subsequent conclusion that if he was unhappy he would leave, that really did strike a chord with me, and gave me a wake-up call of sorts, so thanks. Dont know if you want to be thanked by another OW though but I do mean it, honestly.

 

 

I believe that although I am quite a confident person in my life that I do have low esteem and self worth, is this actually possible to have these conflicts? I dont know how much you read some of the other boards on LS but I do post on other boards as well, dont want to say too much, however and I dont know if some of my low esteem and self worth is due to this issue, not trying to make excuses for my behaviour for that though.

 

My question why do you, and I know its not just you, believe that self worth and low esteem are linked to being involved with a MM.

Like I said not being argumentative, just interested. Also why is it not what is classed as real self esteem or worth if someone else makes you feel that way? What if the other person you are with has the same issues in life and together you support each other?

 

Thanks

 

Obviously if anyone else wishes to reply, please go ahead, sorry if this is a T/J

[Ripples]

Hi Ripples

 

I would just like to ask you a question if you dont mind, and I really dont mean this in an inflammatory way. I found one of your other threads very interesting, I dont know if you remember it, but it was about your H or SO telling the OW about being unhappy, which I believe that you agreed he way and you could understand how she then made the own subsequent conclusion that if he was unhappy he would leave, that really did strike a chord with me, and gave me a wake-up call of sorts, so thanks. Dont know if you want to be thanked by another OW though but I do mean it, honestly.

Gosh! Um, of course I like being thanked by you. OW or not, you're still human But how did it strike a chord with you? In what way?

 

I believe that although I am quite a confident person in my life that I do have low esteem and self worth, is this actually possible to have these conflicts? I dont know how much you read some of the other boards on LS but I do post on other boards as well, dont want to say too much, however and I dont know if some of my low esteem and self worth is due to this issue, not trying to make excuses for my behaviour for that though.

Oh, that conflict of being confident yet having low self-esteem? Yes, I think I'm that way too. I don't know but it's like I am perfectly confident that I'm a great person, but very unconfident that anyone else thinks so! I'm overstating it, but you get my point.

 

I haven't read your other posts about this, are you getting some sort of help with any issues you feel you have?

 

My question why do you, and I know its not just you, believe that self worth and low esteem are linked to being involved with a MM.

Like I said not being argumentative, just interested. Also why is it not what is classed as real self esteem or worth if someone else makes you feel that way? What if the other person you are with has the same issues in life and together you support each other?

 

Um, not being an OW or an expert on psychology, I realise that I can't make a good judgement on the situation in question. However, my own personal feeling is that if I love myself, I'll take care of myself and that entails not putting myself in a position where I could be hurt. So, being with a guy who is married and who remains that way through a relationship with him as his OW, is going to be detrimental to my emotional health. And that's the best case scenario. Worst case... I dread to think, bearing in mind how angry I was as the BS, I wanted to kill her.

 

As for two people with issues supporting each other - that could be co-dependency and thus a very unhealthy relationship.

[RealityCheck]

You had very little self-respect and the MM gave it to you.

 

I feel high self-esteem, when gained through another person, isn't high self-esteem. When we allow ourselves to judge our worth through other people's eyes, it isn't of any value. When a person 'gives' us our self-worth, we can only retain it through that person. Unless, of course, we manage to learn to give it to ourselves.

 

Once we are able to love ourselves, then we will look after ourselves and part of that, I think, is not putting ourself in harmful situations, potential or otherwise. I believe that being an OW is incredibly emotionally damaging, not just to the MM and his wife, but to the OW herself.

 

Your post, I'm afraid, has only reinforced my opinion that one of the reasons, if not the reason, for becoming an OW and remaining an OW, is low self-worth.

 

It is true we are all entitled to our opinions however, though there may be cases where the OW, BS even the MM become faced with this situation, I do not believe that ALL have low self-worth.

 

In LNF, response it was very clear she knows and accepts all of who she is and makes no bones about it!

 

I, as a former BS and former OW did not have low self-esteem or low self-worth. Both were situations that I dealt with according to my standard and not by another person's standard.

[RealityCheck]

It is true we are all entitled to our opinions however, though there may be cases where the OW, BS even the MM become faced with this situation, I do not believe that ALL have low self-worth.

 

In LNF's, response it was very clear she knows and accepts all of who she is and makes no bones about it!

 

I, as a former BS and former OW did not have low self-esteem or low self-worth. Both were situations that I dealt with according to my standard and not by loosing myself in another. It was what "I" wanted to do for me!

[herenow]

I don't have much time to spend here today, so I'm going to try and answer this the best I can and then I gotta go.

 

First of all, I don't think there is anyone that can't understand why a BS would be angry. It's human nature to lash out at someone who hurts us. Let's face it, people are being murdered (watch the news if you don't know what I'm talking about) because of affairs like this. I know that I came here hating all OW's because I'm a BW. I'm sure if you read some of my earlier posts, they would be filled with anger and hate. That's how I felt and, yes, I used LS to help me get it out of my system.

 

What I learned is that not every situation is the same. I still believe that there is no excuse for affairs. I think that both the MM or MW and the OW or OM share the responsibility. I don't think there is a BW on this site that doesn't blame her H for his part, but the H's are not here, so the OW's get the brunt. But don't believe for one minute that the MM are not getting their share of the blame.

 

I also learned that even though there were problems in my marriage, the affair had nothing to do with me. I was foolish to expect the OW to care about how this would affect me and my family. She had her own problems and would have liked it if I didn't even exist. For the OW that says she does care, I have to disagree. You can't have an affair with a MM and then say you care a bit about the wife. That is hypocritical. If you did care, you would tell the MM that you will have a relationship with him after he has been honest with his wife and left the marriage. Anything less says that you care more about your needs that any hurt the affair may cause. JMHO

 

As far as taking my H back. I can only speak for myself, but as soon as I found out about the OW, I threw my H out and gave him full freedom to go be with her. He begged and cried for a second chance. He was and is willing to do anything to gain back my trust and make our marriage work. After almost a year, we still see a MC and we have both made some very significant changes for the better. It will be a long time before I can fully trust him, but I'm glad that both of us are willing do everything to make our marriage work. We are both happier people inside our relationship and as individuals.

 

Last, I learned that the OW is not my problem and her happiness (of lack of it) is not my or my H's responsibility. The affair had nothing to do with me or her, it was about something that was missing in my H. We are all adults and she made the choice to get involved with my H who she knew was married. I'm responsible for the choices I make and if my H should ever cheat again, I will take responsibility for the pain that it would cause. But in the end, whatever happens, I know I will be OK.

 

Sorry for typos and misspelled words. I'm in a hurry.

[serial muse]

It is true we are all entitled to our opinions however, though there may be cases where the OW, BS even the MM become faced with this situation, I do not believe that ALL have low self-worth.

 

In LNF, response it was very clear she knows and accepts all of who she is and makes no bones about it!

 

I, as a former BS and former OW did not have low self-esteem or low self-worth. Both were situations that I dealt with according to my standard and not by another person's standard.

 

Well, I understand that YMMV, but I think there is indeed a correlation between low self-worth and being willing to become emotionally involved with someone who is clearly not really available on many levels. I'm speaking as a BS, true, but having been through what I've been through, I can say truthfully that I really don't think it's an accident that so many BS eventually become OW themselves. I think it's entirely related to a collapse in self-esteem, which takes an incredible beating when you're the BS. (I mentioned that in an earlier post as well.)

 

I was just saying to a friend last night that I can understand it (the urge to "follow your heart" to the exclusion of other considerations, and become an OW) now in a way I never could have before I found out my exH had his affair.

 

But that doesn't mean I still don't think it's a choice that a person makes. It most certainly is. It's been several years, but there are still many, many times when I feel low self-worth and would be utterly grateful to feel desirable and longed-for and cherished by someone - this week happens to be one of those times - but I know that it's still a choice.

 

That doesn't mean I don't understand the desire, or the need, or the longing. But as much as my pain might make me want to throw caution to the winds and just go with someone telling me what I want to hear, I've already made my choice. I won't do it. There's enough pain already in the world; just look at these boards. I don't want to be involved in causing that pain to yet another person.

[RealityCheck]

Well, I understand that YMMV, but I think there is indeed a correlation between low self-worth and being willing to become emotionally involved with someone who is clearly not really available on many levels. I'm speaking as a BS, true, but having been through what I've been through, I can say truthfully that I really don't think it's an accident that so many BS eventually become OW themselves. I think it's entirely related to a collapse in self-esteem, which takes an incredible beating when you're the BS. (I mentioned that in an earlier post as well.)

 

I was just saying to a friend last night that I can understand it (the urge to "follow your heart" to the exclusion of other considerations, and become an OW) now in a way I never could have before I found out my exH had his affair.

 

But that doesn't mean I still don't think it's a choice that a person makes. It most certainly is. It's been several years, but there are still many, many times when I feel low self-worth and would be utterly grateful to feel desirable and longed-for and cherished by someone - this week happens to be one of those times - but I know that it's still a choice.

 

That doesn't mean I don't understand the desire, or the need, or the longing. But as much as my pain might make me want to throw caution to the winds and just go with someone telling me what I want to hear, I've already made my choice. I won't do it. There's enough pain already in the world; just look at these boards. I don't want to be involved in causing that pain to yet another person.

 

Understood!

 

I should clarify, that my exH's betrayal did not lead me to my A. It was many years after and a few relationships in between.

 

What I am trying to convey, is no one can truly make an assessment of whether someone has low self-esteem. A person can only make that assessment within themself.

 

Important are those who can live with themself in their choices.

[serial muse]

Understood!

 

I should clarify, that my exH's betrayal did not lead me to my A. It was many years after and a few relationships in between.

 

What I am trying to convey, is no one can truly make an assessment of whether someone has low self-esteem. A person can only make that assessment within themself.

 

Important are those who can live with themself in their choices.

 

eyeroll = really not necessary, realitycheck. i'm expressing my own thoughts and feelings on the topic. i recognize that they diverge from yours, but i'm not badmouthing or flaming anyone, damn it.

[NearlyThere]

Thanks for your answers.

 

Gosh! Um, of course I like being thanked by you. OW or not, you're still human But how did it strike a chord with you? In what way? .

 

Well I suppose I was thinking the same thing as to what had been said by your H to your H's OW, that if he is that unhappy, and I only obviously do have his word for it, but I have no reason to doubt it, that he would leave, why would someone stay? Though I did the same myself with my exSO but just ignored it and hoped it would get better and ended up for settling, but thats a whole other story. So when you quoted that statment it sort of made me realise, a kick up the butt I suppose, lol, that I was deluding myself that he would leave.

 

Oh, that conflict of being confident yet having low self-esteem? Yes, I think I'm that way too. I don't know but it's like I am perfectly confident that I'm a great person, but very unconfident that anyone else thinks so! I'm overstating it, but you get my point.

 

Yeah thats it

 

I haven't read your other posts about this, are you getting some sort of help with any issues you feel you have?

 

No, never, I have only ever mentioned it ever, on LS, I am ashamed and embarrased, although I know I shouldnt be, however, I dont want people to think I'm using it as an excuse for R with MM but its more to do with the low self-esteem. Maybe should raise it on there as another post thinking about it. However started here now people might as well know me warts and all. lol.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97082/

 

I dont know how you feel but in some ways I still feel that the UK is still not as forward on counselling as the US. JMO. That you should just get on with it yourself.

 

Um, not being an OW or an expert on psychology, I realise that I can't make a good judgement on the situation in question. However, my own personal feeling is that if I love myself, I'll take care of myself and that entails not putting myself in a position where I could be hurt. So, being with a guy who is married and who remains that way through a relationship with him as his OW, is going to be detrimental to my emotional health. And that's the best case scenario. Worst case... I dread to think, bearing in mind how angry I was as the BS, I wanted to kill her.

 

mmm, I can see your point, however I suppose I am only thinking about how he happy he makes me feel, the trouble is that you realise the detrimental part to your emotional health comes quite a while after the start, by that time you have given yourself emotionally to this person and fallen in love. I know some people don't believe it is true love, and scoff at it, but I have been infatuated and had pure lust with people before and know the difference. Sorry not wanting to p1ss anyone off but I am really laying myself out truthfully here so to speak.

 

But my main thought is surely its not just a MM that could cause this, surely a control freak could as well, yeah I know thats an extreme example but first one I could think of. Again not arguing with you, just trying to follow it thru and its more than likely I could be wrong.

 

As for two people with issues supporting each other - that could be co-dependency and thus a very unhealthy relationship.

 

Ok, I'm more interested now, what do you mean by co-dependancy? I take it you mean that each person is dependant on each other but do you mean that they feel unable to be independant. Or just on an emotional level?

 

Thanks again.

[RealityCheck]

eyeroll = really not necessary, realitycheck. i'm expressing my own thoughts and feelings on the topic. i recognize that they diverge from yours, but i'm not badmouthing or flaming anyone, damn it.

 

 

Are you for REAL!!

 

What's with the attitude! I certainly did not give you attitude!!!

 

Where did I even "write" anything whatsoever about you "badmouthing or flaming"!

 

Here! Have some visine for your rolling eyes!!!