OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[sumdude]

She dressed up for work in the morning. Dropped me off at work, kissed me said I love you. Then went home packed and moved out...... She called me 4 hours later at work to tell me. I'm devastated.

 

The background is that I have a drinking problem that I hadn't been able/willing to deal with. It's been going on 2+ years and it was pretty heavy. No I'm not verbally or physically abusive, never laid a finger on her or screamed obscenely at her. BUT I admit I haven't been there for her and denial is a strong thing. In December I went away for 2 weeks on travel. Then we had an absolutly awful Christmas with my family. When we came back I noticed she was acting really strangely. Dissappearing for hours here and there and not calling like she usually would. Avoiding me and my phone calls. I started getting really suspicious.

 

She then told me she was going to Alanon meetings and seeing old freinds and trying to find herself. I still was suspicious, i started trying to check up on her. Getting phone numbers from her cell and generally acting the suspicous husband. I guess in my mind Alanon seemed like a place where people in bad marriages would go and try to work things out. But it seems so possible that in the process they could meet someone else there with similar problems. Soon they're seeing each other. Yeah, I got paranoid. She continued to dissappear, even for a day here and there. Anyway I was trying to honestly deal with my drinking and jealousy. I went over a week without then slipped a couple times. It wasn't the first time I tried but so far so good, it was some progress. This Monday I was really starting to get started and see who I really was. I showed her the programs I was looking into. I had made an appointment for us to see a marriage councilor. I guess her mind was made up already though and she left the next day.

 

She says that she still loves me. That I need to work on myself and that she has things to work out too. That she needs some space and that we are still married but kinda separated. She wants to work it out. We're still going to go to the counciling. She swears that there isn't anyone esle. I managed to get through yesterday without a drink so with all that stress it's a good start with me.

When she left she took her clothes, our engagement and wedding pictures from the mantle. Some small furniture. All the pots and pans and luggage (wedding gift from her dad) . The entire china set (wedding gifts from my family). I shouldn't care right now about what she took but is there something there symbolically? Who knows.

 

Anyway I'm setting up individual counciling for me, so is she and looks like we're going to try to work it out. I just hope she's as willing as i am.

 

BTW the drinking isn't the only issue but it's the biggest one and the one I can do something about now. She has some anger management problems to deal with.

 

oh what a miserable day:(

[sb129]

She says that she still loves me. That I need to work on myself and that she has things to work out too. That she needs some space and that we are still married but kinda separated. She wants to work it out. We're still going to go to the counciling. She swears that there isn't anyone esle. I managed to get through yesterday without a drink so with all that stress it's a good start with me.

I just hope she's as willing as i am.

 

 

oh what a miserable day:(

 

Sorry you are having a miserable day. But there is some positive stuff in your post...

 

Your W probably does need some space. And in a way shes forcing you to wake up and take some responsibility for yourself- which is a good thing with regard to the drinking.

If she wants to work it out, and so do you, don't think that this space is the end of the world.. its a chance to get some perspective.

Focus on the good things- you got thru yesterday without a drink. Thats great!!!!

If you really want to work it out, you will. Its not going to be easy, but won't it be worth it if you can kick the drinking and work things out with your wife too?

[PussInHeels]

I'm sorry to hear all this has happened. I agree that she probably just needs some space, and you're taking a step in the right direction by addressing problems you have that came between the two of you. Congratulations on refraining from drinking so far...just keep it up. If your wife still loves you and wants to be with you, kicking your drinking habit will not go unappreciated.

[Sonitas]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but you will find alot of great support and advice from this forum.

 

My situation is very similar to yours except I am the wife. The MOST important thing you need to do right now is work on yourself. You want to stop drinking..that's great...your wife is important to you...more important than those awful feelings of regret after the alcohol wears off... if you don't think you can make it without reaching for a drink then you need to seek out some help that you can reach out to when times get tough. Seeking help does not show signs of weekness, it only shows that you care about yourself and the people in your life that care about you.

 

If your wife is telling you that she still loves you and wants this to work and that she needs some space to let herself to figure things out as well, then you need to trust her, and just give this to her. She is waiting to see what you are going to do, are you going to wallow in self pitty and reach for a drink? NO! You are going to swing your life around and make the most of your life. She will not want to return to the same marriage that she left, she needs to see that you are making efforts to make positive change in your life...and not just for her.

 

When I asked my husband for the same some days were great but then his anger and frustration would take over and he would smother me in questions, blame, angry comments and just hurtful statements. This just pushed me further away.

 

Be true to yourself, what you really want in life and things will work out for the best one way or another in the end. Councelling is a great first step, if she is willing to go with you then GO, it will help not only your relationship but as an individual.

 

[sumdude]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but you will find alot of great support and advice from this forum.

 

(some snipped)

 

My situation is very similar to yours except I am the wife.When I asked my husband for the same some days were great but then his anger and frustration would take over and he would smother me in questions, blame, angry comments and just hurtful statements. This just pushed me further away.

 

Be true to yourself, what you really want in life and things will work out for the best one way or another in the end. Councelling is a great first step, if she is willing to go with you then GO, it will help not only your relationship but as an individual.

 

 

 

Thanks Sonitas, it seems to be exactly what has happened and what she is saying to me. I know I can and must do it. May take some time, might make a couple slips , or not, but it can't go on like this. I guess the irony is that I had my big realization 2 days too late... Friday she made her decision to leave(silently) and Sunday I had my epiphone.

 

We just spoke on the phone and it was generally positive so I'm just gonna keep at it and fix myself. I need to do that anyway for myself. After all if the worst case happens I still have to live my life right? It won't be a good one at the bottom of the bottle.

 

How have you handled it? Have you moved out? I'd like to hear more of your perspective if you could. Might help me understand my wife better.

[Art_Critic]

Alanon is for your wife.. She needs to learn to live her life for herself and not for the Alcoholic..

She needs to be go to the Alanon meetings so she can also remove herself from your life as an Alcoholic.

Alanon will also teach her to separate the Alcoholic from the real person.. She loves you.. but hates your drinking/drunk behavior.. She hates you when you are drunk.

 

You need to be in a 12 step program... Now....

 

Show her with your actions and not with your words that you have given up Alcohol for good and for all..

Contact your local AA chapter and start going to meetings.. while you are there pick up your white chip and ask if someone there would be your sponsor..

a sponsor is someone that will help your thru your sobering up..

 

 

Go to http://aa.org and click how to find a meeting..

 

and for now do not blame her for her anger..You have no idea how much of that anger is there because of your drinking..

[whichwayisup]

Listen to AC. Get yourself to AA, involve you family doctor in your life, get a therapist if need be. Right now you MUST change your life, as hard as it is going to be, it will be worth it. Your wife says she'll be there for you, but you gotta do all the hardwork to get there........YOU CAN DO IT, with baby steps, with help from AA and people here as well.

You may not have hit rockbottom, but you're pretty close.....So, run with this and make yourself better.

[sumdude]

Alanon is for your wife.. She needs to learn to live her life for herself and not for the Alcoholic..

She needs to be go to the Alanon meetings so she can also remove herself from your life as an Alcoholic.

Alanon will also teach her to separate the Alcoholic from the real person.. She loves you.. but hates your drinking/drunk behavior.. She hates you when you are drunk.

 

You need to be in a 12 step program... Now....

 

Show her with your actions and not with your words that you have given up Alcohol for good and for all..

Contact your local AA chapter and start going to meetings.. while you are there pick up your white chip and ask if someone there would be your sponsor..

a sponsor is someone that will help your thru your sobering up..

 

 

Go to http://aa.org and click how to find a meeting..

 

and for now do not blame her for her anger..You have no idea how much of that anger is there because of your drinking..

 

 

Thanks A.C.

 

I hear what you're saying. I'm looking into an outpatient program as well as SMART recovery. For my own reasons I know that AA is not for me. I'm sure it's great for some people but there are other options.

[Art_Critic]

For my own reasons I know that AA is not for me.

 

This is the Alcohol talking... Remember that you have a disease that tells you it is okay to continue to drink..

 

They call this talk Stinking Thinking.. you are already on your way to your next drink..

 

AA...

 

Get yourself a sponsor.. if you call your local chapter they will send someone ( a 12th stepper ) out to see you and kinda show you the ropes..

 

Remember this : Your Wife will not take you back unless you quit for good and for all...

Do you want to continue to risk your marriage because you think you are not a drunk or an alcoholic.. You are..

 

If you don't change your thinking now you will take a drink before long.. maybe before the day is done..

[Sonitas]

Thanks Sonitas, it seems to be exactly what has happened and what she is saying to me. I know I can and must do it. May take some time, might make a couple slips , or not, but it can't go on like this. I guess the irony is that I had my big realization 2 days too late... Friday she made her decision to leave(silently) and Sunday I had my epiphone.

 

We just spoke on the phone and it was generally positive so I'm just gonna keep at it and fix myself. I need to do that anyway for myself. After all if the worst case happens I still have to live my life right? It won't be a good one at the bottom of the bottle.

 

How have you handled it? Have you moved out? I'd like to hear more of your perspective if you could. Might help me understand my wife better.

 

Bottom of the bottle does not give you a very good view. Sounds like you know what you need to do...but doing it can be even harder.

 

I moved out in October. We have two wonderful children so we do talk everyday, share the children equally and we have been spending alot of time together on weekends. We go to our next councelling session next week. Some days I feel like things are going to work out, I do not want to be divorced! But then at times I feel like I am holding on to something that is just not meant to be and I just need to let go. We have been together since I was 14 & him 18 and we both have changed, grown apart in different ways, but we do hold such a special bond with each other. He was upset one day and told me that if we permanently split he could not be my friend and that really hurt, I could not imagine my life without him.

[Art_Critic]

Thanks A.C.

 

 

No sweat.. by the way.. I am an Alcoholic and have been sober almost 20 years .. June 28th, 1987 is my sobriety date.

[My Fair Katie]

This is the Alcohol talking...

 

It could be idealogical. In which case there are also secular recovery programs.

 

Check http://www.secularsobriety.org/ (I'm not endorsing this, just saying it could be worth looking into).

[Art_Critic]

It could be idealogical. In which case there are also secular recovery programs.

 

Check http://www.secularsobriety.org/ (I'm not endorsing this, just saying it could be worth looking into).

 

It could be...

 

But every single Alcoholic I have seen believes that AA isn't for him at one time or another before they quit..

 

Most likely he is going to say he doesn't really have a problem like those guys in the AA do..that he is different

Yes he does have a problem and no he isn't diferent...

 

He is in Denial

 

She has some anger management problems to deal with.

 

For my own reasons I know that AA is not for me

 

I have a drinking problem that I hadn't been able/willing to deal with.

 

You need to be proactive not just looking into programs.. you have said that in 2 different posts.. that you were looking into programs..

You need help..

AA is only a phone call and 30 mins away...

[Art_Critic]

Just so you know.. I'm not pushing AA.. You can go there or not.. I'm trying to reach you.

Trying to help a fellow drunk.

 

I have been on LS a long time and even though I talk about me being an Alcoholic from time to time I normally don't participate in threads that involve alcohol...

 

sumdude.. I am just feeling for you.. I can feel your pain and know that your answer is in sobering up

[sumdude]

Just so you know.. I'm not pushing AA.. You can go there or not.. I'm trying to reach you.

Trying to help a fellow drunk.

 

I have been on LS a long time and even though I talk about me being an Alcoholic from time to time I normally don't participate in threads that involve alcohol...

 

sumdude.. I am just feeling for you.. I can feel your pain and know that your answer is in sobering up

 

Hey I get your point. I've already started online programs from my insurance provider, don't count those out they help some. Made the calls to councilors to set up appointments. Made the call to the outpatient center. Trying to find the local SMART meetings. I just can't get past a couple things with AA in particular. Been dry 100% for 4 days, 4 really hard days with her leaving and all. Not much but a start.

 

"He is in Denial"

 

Sure as hell have been. The last two days I've called all my friends and my dad to make the big admission.

 

 

Quote:

"She has some anger management problems to deal with. "

 

This is sonething she has admitted to me, not something I put out there on my own. Not that I disagree. However it has nothing to do with my drinking, just another facet of our marriage to work on.

 

Quote:

"For my own reasons I know that AA is not for me "

 

AA is not the one and only path to sobriety.

 

Quote:

I have a drinking problem that I hadn't been able/willing to deal with.

 

This is the truth. The wife leaving put the exclamation on her point, woke my a** right on up. SO I'm bringing the guns to bear on the problem. Naturally about 6 months too late.

 

But there's hope. Higher power or not it's all up to me.

[sumdude]

Just so you know.. I'm not pushing AA.. You can go there or not.. I'm trying to reach you.

Trying to help a fellow drunk.

 

I have been on LS a long time and even though I talk about me being an Alcoholic from time to time I normally don't participate in threads that involve alcohol...

 

sumdude.. I am just feeling for you.. I can feel your pain and know that your answer is in sobering up

 

Hey I get your point. I've already started online programs from my insurance provider, don't count those out they help some. Made the calls to councilors to set up appointments. Made the call to the outpatient center. Trying to find the local SMART meetings. I just can't get past a couple things with AA in particular. Been dry 100% for 4 days, 4 really hard days with her leaving and all. Not much but a start.

 

"He is in Denial"

 

Sure as hell have been. The last two days I've called all my friends and my dad to make the big admission.

 

 

Quote:

"She has some anger management problems to deal with."

 

This is sonething she has admitted to me, not something I put out there on my own. Not that I disagree. However it has nothing to do with my drinking, just another facet of our marriage to work on.

 

Quote:

"For my own reasons I know that AA is not for me "

 

AA is not the one and only path to sobriety.

 

Quote:

I have a drinking problem that I hadn't been able/willing to deal with.

 

This is the truth. The wife leaving put the exclamation on her point, woke my a** right on up. SO I'm bringing the guns to bear on the problem. Naturally about 6 months too late.

 

But there's hope. Higher power or not it's all up to me.

 

Thnks for givin your thoughts.

[Art_Critic]

Show her with YOUR ACTIONS not your words.. you have yet to actually see anybody..You keep talking about appointments and now online programs..

 

You are going to need a support system to help your thru this..

 

All I have seen so far is denial for the fact that you are an Alcoholic.

 

Can you say that word ??

 

Can you say Hi I'm Sumdude and I'm an Alcoholic ??

Now do you believe it ?

 

If you think you just have a drinking problem then you are wrong.. You are an Alcoholic..

Your wife knows it.. She goes to Alanon meetings because of it..She walked out because of it..

 

Hopefully you will get past this denial..

 

4 days is a good start... but your emotions and body will still be affected by Alcohol for 60-90 days after your last drink..

The fog takes 90 days to start clearing..

Make sure you start eating 3 square meals and put yourself on a multivitamin..

 

Keep it up.. and show your wife by your actions .don't tell her.. let her see the change.

[Art_Critic]

But there's hope. Higher power or not it's all up to me.

 

It is up to you.. you need to learn to turn it over..Then it is up to your Higher Power

Day by Day..

 

I say this to myself everyday :

 

I may drink tomorrow but today I don't want to.. and hopefully by the grace of god that when I will wake up tomorrow I will feel the same way..

 

I have said that to myself for 20 years...I live day by day...

 

(and God in AA is not the same thing as God in religion.. it is God as you know him.)

[Art_Critic]

I just can't get past a couple things with AA in particular.

 

Which area are you having trouble getting by ?

 

Maybe it isn't as bad as you think it is..

 

The AA way isn't the only way to sobriety and sometimes they have their issues..

but regardless of which way you sober up you need to admit to yourself that you are powerless over Alcohol and your life has become unmanageable and ask for help

[sumdude]

[qoute]"He is in Denial"

 

Sure as hell have been. The last two days I've called all my friends and my dad to make the big admission.

 

 

Soooo the big admission I was making was?.... yes I am an alcoholic...

 

yeesh it's a word a label whatever. but if the shoe fits then i must wear it right?

[sumdude]

Which area are you having trouble getting by ?

 

Maybe it isn't as bad as you think it is..

 

The AA way isn't the only way to sobriety and sometimes they have their issues..

but regardless of which way you sober up you need to admit to yourself that you are powerless over Alcohol and your life has become unmanageable and ask for help

 

If all alcoholics were powerless they'd never be able to stop at all. God or whever force gives us the ability to make choices. The choice here is not to have the next drink, over and over again.

 

I don't want to get into a long drawn out diatribe about this system vs. that system and what they teach. But there is more than one that is well respected and successful that doesn't believe that words and labels have that much power. The admission to self and others is the first step though.

 

To each his own opinion, I must find my path in my way. I've made the appointments and will be there for them. Can't just show up at the doc's and say "you must see me now!" And who know if I hit a bad patch one night might hit the local AA and see what's up. Right now tonight I'm doing pretty good.

 

peace

[Romeo Must Die]

I remember your posts from last year when things started escallating. Your wife said she lost family to alcolhol and didn't want to lose you too. I'm glad youre getting some help you need now sumdude. I'm sorry you are going through this tough time.

 

[whichwayisup]

And who know if I hit a bad patch one night might hit the local AA and see what's up. Right now tonight I'm doing pretty good.

 

Make yourself a promise...If you start to not feel as good tonight, or even tomorrow, or the next day, get yourself into an AA meeting. Don't be alone, go surround yourself around people who can help you, no matter how hard it may be, DO IT. Remember your final goal and take baby steps to get there. Take one day at a time......

[sumdude]

I remember your posts from last year when things started escallating. Your wife said she lost family to alcolhol and didn't want to lose you too. I'm glad youre getting some help you need now sumdude. I'm sorry you are going through this tough time.

 

 

 

Yes I do too. The water in de Nile is very murky. I just have to go with the hope that she means what she says about wanting to work it out.

[Romeo Must Die]

I went through this with my husband (not alcolhol, infidelity) and it took a divorce to shock him through this. Just know that I was 100 percent devoted to him and believed in him so much that I wasnt giving up, I just wasnt giving in no more. We are now reconcilled. Content. Settled back into our lives no worse for wear. Dont get too disappointed in these divorce forums. Youre not going to be divorced. You and your wife still love each other too damn much. I want you to make the effort to spend as much time with her as possible, despite her requests for space. Dont allow her to just completely fade out on you.

 

I know what you mean about AA and feeling embarassed about it. I was dragged through teen-anon classes to cope with my mothers drinking. It sucked. I hated it. I think you might need all the help they can give you with these programs until you can find the right place for you, maybe something more private. I know you really enjoyed drinking and its going to be tough, but things could have gotten alot worse. I think the part of making it an open group helps out because you can see how low some people have gotten and maybe things going on in your life wouldnt seem so bad to you in comparison. You'd learn what not to become and seek to avoid turning into a real lowlife drunk. I hate that word. Ick. lol. Its just so derragatory. I heard my Ma say it so many times like a record player.

 

Anyway, I know youre sick to death of this subject for now. And I know its only the beginning, but I just wanted to tell you to keep your head up and knowing you are so tough and a good fighter... well, I just know that you will make it through this seperation, and someday soon things will be even better if you just have faith in yourself. Your wife seems to be a good person stuck with some sh*itty choices to have to make. But I just know she will choose you and she will come back to you. You just got to give her a good reason to. You have to show her you got what it takes. Youre sum dude!