OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[sumdude]

I am sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is awful...My father died back in 1993.

 

 

 

I hope one day the problems with your sister and the rest of the family get worked out. Life is too short....

 

Stay strong.

 

Thank you, it was a very difficult time. I know more than a couple peolpe that went into a tailspin when it happened to them.

 

My sister needs to go through the same sort of thing I did. Her problems go a lot deeper and I don't know if she ever will. She's been this way for decades. I also don't know if I can ever truly forgive her, she was one of the other major factors in the demise of my marriage with her constant nastiness to my STBX. My bad was that I allowed it to happen and let my family get in the way. Live and learn.

[sumdude]

So now the real fun begins. The actual legal parts of the divorce. I keep getting mail for her, mostly medical bills etc. I'm really getting the feeling she is going to try to stick me with all the debts and bills. She keeps stonewalling and hasn't sent me a penny yet. I let her know that she had mail at the house and it looked to be bills. She asked me to forward them to her new address. Then she asked what last name was on them. This is really pissing me off. I do not want to get lawyers involved because they may end up costing more than the debts.

[Gunny376]

So now the real fun begins. The actual legal parts of the divorce. I keep getting mail for her, mostly medical bills etc. I'm really getting the feeling she is going to try to stick me with all the debts and bills. She keeps stonewalling and hasn't sent me a penny yet. I let her know that she had mail at the house and it looked to be bills. She asked me to forward them to her new address. Then she asked what last name was on them. This is really pissing me off. I do not want to get lawyers involved because they may end up costing more than the debts.

 

 

You can stick you head between your legs kiss and bet your azz she is!

[sumdude]

So I just came back from the hospital for minor surgery. I had a couple cysts on my back to remove, nothing bad. My STBX asked me to deal with them for a couple years. I imagine it burns her up to see me getting in shape and taking care of all these things now that she's out of my life. She has said as much. The way I see it now is that I was pretty unhappy with the marriage but was denying it and hoping it would get better. I do believe in commitment and working through the bad years to get to the other side. She obviously didn't.

 

Yes there were times I could have done a lot more but I was in a pretty bad emotional state at the time. Oh well... If I ever get really involved with someone there will have to be a really strong feeling that she'll be there through thick and thin. It's not like I didn't support, defend and love my STBX for the whole relationship while she was really flailing about in her life. Changing jobs every few months, having problems with so many poeple, trying new careers taking classes etc. When the time came for my turn to need the patience and support it dried up in a year.

[sumdude]

Yesterday was probably the first day I started really feeling like myself again.

 

Two weeks ago when she droppoed the bomb I told the stbx that I wanted to get her and her car off of my auto policy since she's moved out of state and wants to end the marriage. So yesterday I sent an e-mail stating that I hoped she had a policy set up and I was dropping her. She replied with please can I have a few more days, things are tight because the dog needed some surgery etc. I said tell ya what, I'll let it go till the end of the month but that's it. So she doesn't want the responsibilty of a relationship yet still wants me to be responsible for something. Looks like life on the other side probably isn't so super after all with being responsible for herself and all.

 

The only thing she's told me since the move out I believe is that she wants no responsibility. She's 37 and wants to act out the fantasy of being 17 again. That's the bottom line. I'm pretty sure she's not paying any the bills and debts in her name. My biggest worry is that I hope I can protect my credit from her immaturity. At least we had no joint accounts. Whatever my problems were with the excessive drinking etc. I still took care of her and responsibilities the whole time. All that time that she was having trouble keeping jobs etc.

 

I'm feeling pretty good. I lived single until I was 32 so readjusting at 39 isn't so hard.

[PWSX3]

Sumdude, sounds like you are really doing well, just wondering how things are going with the drinking???

 

If I remember you played in a band & I was just wondering if you are back at it or if you feel you will be able to down the road?????

 

Doesn't it feel good to as Gunny say's it; MAN UP to our part? You had two choices just like I did; one to be negitive and say it's all the other persons fault or look in the mirror and take the positive road & except there are things we can do to make ourselves a better person.

 

Look at all the positive things you have done in such a short time, keep building on those things.

 

A guy that I worked with went thru a divorce & it's been a while now, but he moved on got marriad again & had a couple more kids. The biggest reason they divorced was because she wanted to party & he knew they had to settle down because of there son. He told me to this day she is been in jail, can't hold down a job & goes from boyfriend to boyfriend.

 

Some people just won't take responsibilty for themselves & that is there choice, it's so good to hear you took a positive choice for your life.

 

Keep up the good work buddy.....

[sumdude]

Sumdude, sounds like you are really doing well, just wondering how things are going with the drinking???

 

If I remember you played in a band & I was just wondering if you are back at it or if you feel you will be able to down the road?????

 

Doesn't it feel good to as Gunny say's it; MAN UP to our part? You had two choices just like I did; one to be negitive and say it's all the other persons fault or look in the mirror and take the positive road & except there are things we can do to make ourselves a better person.

 

Look at all the positive things you have done in such a short time, keep building on those things.

 

A guy that I worked with went thru a divorce & it's been a while now, but he moved on got marriad again & had a couple more kids. The biggest reason they divorced was because she wanted to party & he knew they had to settle down because of there son. He told me to this day she is been in jail, can't hold down a job & goes from boyfriend to boyfriend.

 

Some people just won't take responsibilty for themselves & that is there choice, it's so good to hear you took a positive choice for your life.

 

Keep up the good work buddy.....

 

Thnaks for the kudos, all the advice and support here really helped me out.

 

I still haven't had a drink since just before she left me. Haven't been struggling with it either. More and more I think I was trying to deny and cope with so many problems inside and outside the marriage at once that I really got lost in the stuff.

 

I've played one gig with a band and it went fine. I'm getting ready to start up a more regular thing to get out there, have fun and be seen.

 

I've heard that sometimes a person who has a major traumatic event in life will often get stuck at that emotional age. My wife says she was molested as a young teen and perhaps she is still in that mindset. I don't know but it is the way she's been acting in a lot of ways. I just have to look at it all as such a shame and loss but life goes on.

[sumdude]

STBXW just called me, I saw her name show up on the cell phone. I didn't answer thinking "I have nothing to say to her right now." Which wasn't exactly true but the things I might say wouldn't be terribly decent at the moment and I don't want to set myself back right now just by hearing her voice. It wasn't easy and it just kind of shook my day a bit. But I think right now I actually don't want to speak with her. Simple e-mails are whatever.all I need. She left no message so either she got ticked or had nothing important to say.Perhaps she misses me... Maybe she'll wonder for a while...or not.

[wife_left_me]

I know it's tough but stay strong. I've been reading material on the divorce101 site about relationship addiction and it has helped me a lot.

 

I too have been avoiding my STBXW but it is really tough since we have 2 kids and need to speak occasionally regarding the children. I have been keeping my answers to one word "Ok", "Yes", "No", Ect.... and I do not ask her any questions. This is a good way of keeping it civil but not giving her the opportunity to stab you in the heart again.

 

It's funny how my STBXW left me but is trying to keep the door open in case her new life falls apart, but I do not want any part of that (either should you). When she asks me "How are you doing", "Are you ok" I just picture her pulling my emotional strings and I get angry instead of emotional (It does seem to work for me). Stay strong NO CONTACT for 21 days is what the divorce101 site suggests.

[sumdude]

LOL she called again while I was in the gym and left a message this time. She was on a road trip to her mom's and bored so she thought she'd call and chat. So she'll talk to me if she's bored, wowee . Interesting to note that she's made all the phone call attempts in the last 2 weeks.

 

Yeeesh....women....

 

It's funny how my STBXW left me but is trying to keep the door open in case her new life falls apart, but I do not want any part of that (either should you). When she asks me "How are you doing", "Are you ok" I just picture her pulling my emotional strings and I get angry instead of emotional (It does seem to work for me).

 

Yeah, seems like you've got it there but maybe skip the anger part if you can, just be ... aloof at least to her face and on the phone. Don't let her get to ya. Like they say, never let 'em see you sweat. It's one of those times acting like the stereotypical unemotional male really works in your favor.

 

In my case if for some reason lightning should strike and she considers reconciling...well that would take a pretty serious amount of work on her part as well as mine. Not that I expect it one bit but never say never.

[sumdude]

It's surprising me just what a different person I've become in just 3 months. I went to a party last night and saw a lot of old freinds and folks I've known for a while. At times I felt like a stranger, not in a bad way but looking at life with new eyes. I brought my gallon of diet iced tea. At the point in the party when folks got a certain kind of drunk I was ready to leave. I was sorta bored. I also noticed them looking at me differently with me down 40+ pounds and clearer minded. Of course most were shocked to hear of the separation and impending divorce. I think I may have been a bit too frank, a lot of people don't know how to react when you tell them.

[sumdude]

It was one of those long nights, couldn't sleep. I was getting along just fine, went to lie down for bed and had memories of our Belize honeymoon 2 years ago hit me.

 

Then nothing but anger...for the lies, betrayal, kicking me when i was down etc etc

 

Anger at myslef for letting some of this happen, for allowing her to make me weak...

 

I was screaming and telling her off in my mind. Imagined driving to 'her' new place and finally seeing it facing her, the situation and whoever else is involved. Getting MY side of the story out to her new freinds so they know she's a patholigical liar. Didn't do any of it but damn that *)(^%!

 

I know it's about letting go but it's never as simple as it sounds and is a lot of work sometimes.

[PWSX3]

I also noticed them looking at me differently with me down 40+ pounds and clearer minded. Of course most were shocked to hear of the separation and impending divorce. I think I may have been a bit too frank, a lot of people don't know how to react when you tell them.

When I would tell friends that I was separated the first thing they would say is; I'm sorry. I would reply with don't be sorry look what it has done for me. I am in better shape then I have been in a LONG TIME, I am learning who I am, I don't set in front of the TV and do nothing I read books instead, and the list could go on.

 

Be glad that you can share with your friends the good that "YOU" have been doing, what you can do & what you have been doing. It really makes you feel good inside & it helps to understand that you are doing the best you can do with a bad situation.....

 

I also believe that some of those friends that you saw drunk wished they were more like you, you & I both know there are a lot of people out there that just drink to be cool, or because they don't have the well power to better themselves.

 

You have been doing awesome, keep looking in the mirror in the morning and seeing the new you & enjoy that person.

My W laughs at me every so often because I'll be setting in my recliner chair with a pair of shorts on & I'll flex me legs to see my muscles. I don't ever remember having muscles in my legs like I do right now, I'm starting to look like one of those guys that rides bikes all the time. :laugh:

 

Keep it positive!!!

[ilmw]

When I would tell friends that I was separated the first thing they would say is; I'm sorry. I would reply with don't be sorry look what it has done for me. I am in better shape then I have been in a LONG TIME, I am learning who I am, I don't set in front of the TV and do nothing I read books instead, and the list could go on.

 

Be glad that you can share with your friends the good that "YOU" have been doing, what you can do & what you have been doing. It really makes you feel good inside & it helps to understand that you are doing the best you can do with a bad situation.....

 

I also believe that some of those friends that you saw drunk wished they were more like you, you & I both know there are a lot of people out there that just drink to be cool, or because they don't have the well power to better themselves.

 

You have been doing awesome, keep looking in the mirror in the morning and seeing the new you & enjoy that person.

My W laughs at me every so often because I'll be setting in my recliner chair with a pair of shorts on & I'll flex me legs to see my muscles. I don't ever remember having muscles in my legs like I do right now, I'm starting to look like one of those guys that rides bikes all the time. :laugh:

 

Keep it positive!!!

 

Its amazing what a positive self body image can do for the self confidence.. and ego too.

 

Also with the increased vitality... and clearer mind... big things can become smaller things.. and smaller things.. become inconsequential.

 

I too have found through being in much better shape.. than I have been in a while... I am like this. I too am going through hard emotional times.. and have been for going on a year.. but I know... that if I did not take care of myself... I would have been a complete and utter human wreck.

 

SD,... those fantasies... and thoughts... I think are pretty normal.. I have felt similar. Not so much this separation... but definately at the death of my last LTR... there was a lot of anger from that one... with similar betrayal. What I am going to suggest to you... and I wish I had been told this 11 years ago... Lose the anger... lost the resentment...NOW... because if you are anything like me... it will hang over your head... or sit on your shoulder... like a little evil monkey..

 

That anger and resentment... just compounded all the other s*it that has happened in my life... which I resented... plus the day to day grind... and family responsibilities... (well you get the picture)

 

Forget it all... move on... You must find away... to forgive and forget. I wish I had...

 

BTW... I have now...

 

I'm hoping this makes some sense.

ilmw

[sumdude]

I'm working through the anger as best I can. Forgive I can get to, forget.... how do you really forget?

 

Currently I'm in NC mode with her. One convo in two weeks, just a short 'chat' about nothing.

 

At some point I am going to have to see her to deal with the business end of things. I don't think I'm quite there yet but I can't help but want to man up in another way by facing her squarely and fairly. By playing this current NC avoidance game I feel as though I'm being passive again. No I don't expect to try to get the relationship back but to find some little bit of closure as well as deal with the necessities. Why shouldn't she hear what I have to say at some point?

[ilmw]

I'm working through the anger as best I can. Forgive I can get to, forget.... how do you really forget?

 

Currently I'm in NC mode with her. One convo in two weeks, just a short 'chat' about nothing.

 

At some point I am going to have to see her to deal with the business end of things. I don't think I'm quite there yet but I can't help but want to man up in another way by facing her squarely and fairly. By playing this current NC avoidance game I feel as though I'm being passive again. No I don't expect to try to get the relationship back but to find some little bit of closure as well as deal with the necessities. Why shouldn't she hear what I have to say at some point?

 

Hey again SD,

 

doing NC is not being passive... it is gaining strength. (I thought the same thing before too)

 

Also...if she doesn't care now.. why would she care later to hear what you have to say... save your breath. Because... anything you have to say will fall on deaf ears. Her non-reaction... or response will just piss you off... and delay your recovery.

 

If you have no intention in reconciliation with her...save your energy.. get over her...ASAP... and find a better girl... who will appreciate what you have to bring to the table...(when you are willing and able)..

[sumdude]

Hey again SD,

 

doing NC is not being passive... it is gaining strength. (I thought the same thing before too)

 

Also...if she doesn't care now.. why would she care later to hear what you have to say... save your breath. Because... anything you have to say will fall on deaf ears. Her non-reaction... or response will just piss you off... and delay your recovery.

 

If you have no intention in reconciliation with her...save your energy.. get over her...ASAP... and find a better girl... who will appreciate what you have to bring to the table...(when you are willing and able)..

 

I am still slightly open to reconciliation but it would take some doing.... however she made it pretty clear 3 weeks ago that she wasn't. So I have no choice but to move on.. If she has some sort of surprise epiphany then I'll deal with it then. I'm working on letting go at this time.

[dropdeadlegs]

Hey again SD,

 

doing NC is not being passive... it is gaining strength. (I thought the same thing before too)

 

Also...if she doesn't care now.. why would she care later to hear what you have to say... save your breath. Because... anything you have to say will fall on deaf ears. Her non-reaction... or response will just piss you off... and delay your recovery.

 

If you have no intention in reconciliation with her...save your energy.. get over her...ASAP... and find a better girl... who will appreciate what you have to bring to the table...(when you are willing and able)..

I'm still listening, sumdude.

 

I agree with ilmw's above post wholeheartedly. If she was willing to listen, then your silence would be just as effective as any words.

 

There's a lot of good stuff in ilmw's previous post, too.

 

Anger is a normal stage in the "death" of a marriage, but if you can shorten that stage in any way, make every effort to do so. It can be pretty self destructive to hang on to the bitterness. I've done that and it kept me stagnant, upon reflection.

 

If you are interested in a great story of self improvement during divorce, and have a couple of hours to read a long thread, here's a link foryou to peruse.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101545/

 

Dad_of_3's story is very different from yours, but I see a parallel in the self enlightenment he achieved in roughly a year. I find his story very inspiring and think you might enjoy it. He still checks in from time to time, but is obviously not needing the LS crutch much anymore. He only started one thread, and it's a bit of an online diary. The personal reflection and growth is something to behold.

[El-Producto]

It was one of those long nights, couldn't sleep. I was getting along just fine, went to lie down for bed and had memories of our Belize honeymoon 2 years ago hit me.

 

Then nothing but anger...for the lies, betrayal, kicking me when i was down etc etc

 

Anger at myslef for letting some of this happen, for allowing her to make me weak...

 

I was screaming and telling her off in my mind. Imagined driving to 'her' new place and finally seeing it facing her, the situation and whoever else is involved. Getting MY side of the story out to her new freinds so they know she's a patholigical liar. Didn't do any of it but damn that *)(^%!

 

I know it's about letting go but it's never as simple as it sounds and is a lot of work sometimes.

 

That's what I'm struggling with too bud. I'm great during the day, as long as I'm busy. I get tired and go to bed, only to wake up in the middle of the night with awful dreams about what I'm going through, and them I'm up for the night. I've gone from an 8 hour a night sleeper to more like 4-5.

 

I hope my STBXW is sleeping just as well

[sumdude]

 

I hope my STBXW is sleeping just as well

 

Sometimes I think the same thing man!

 

.......

 

Then I realize that I'm making the crucial mistake...

 

She's already moved on, she's months ahead of me on this. Wondering about her sleeping is just more brain twisting self deception...

 

So learning to control what I think about is the key I guess...and finding that forgiveness.

[El-Producto]

Sometimes I think the same thing man!

 

.......

 

Then I realize that I'm making the crucial mistake...

 

She's already moved on, she's months ahead of me on this. Wondering about her sleeping is just more brain twisting self deception...

 

So learning to control what I think about is the key I guess...and finding that forgiveness.

 

Yeah, I really struggle with the fact that my STBXW has just "moved" on, and I'm left here going through hell. I have to remember that at least in my case, where my STBXW had an "EXIT AFFAIR", she had already been done with our marriage long ago. And I know that she WILL grieve just as I have, but she's just delaying that. I will be in SUCH a better place by the time it hits my STBXW. That's what gives me comfort... and the fact that she just moved 5 more boxes out of the house

[sumdude]

Yesterday was a day of quiet & powerful rage...it started the night before. No matter what I tried it was just there like a smoldering pit of hot coal.. I managed to control myself in general but it was a long day. At times I just wanted to grab a baseball bat and go bezerker on something...and I'm not a violent person in general. For a while it seemed like taking the angry man route was a good path, at least temporarily to get through some days.... a lot of it was directed at her yet...The truth is I'm mad at her, mad at myself, mad at alcohol, at other people and situations that contributed to the train wreck the relationship became and how it all ended. Angry that I wasn't able to grab myself by my azz and do then what I've done now... Angry at her for not having the wherewithal to risk trying again...Angry at my sister and mom who treated her badly..there's more than enough of the stuff to go around.

 

That anger turned inward can destroy you.... turned outward it can destroy any relationship.

 

This morning when I woke up it all turned back to grief again.... remembering more how the thing was dying slowly in front of me and I how I felt powerless to stop it. Like most wrecks it all seemed to be in slow motion...and it was, it took months maybe longer. All the signs were there.. it must have been so obvious but it was as if someone else was there watching it happen and where was I? Denial again.... over and over.. I had become a passenger in my own life.

 

Going NC right now is a necessity. Mainly because making big decisions, signing papers etc while the emotions are so high will only cause more destruction. There's a good reason most states have a six month to a year period before divorce can become official.

 

Like they say, anger and rage are usually just hurt and pain turned inside out..... We all have to remember that when we see ourselves or out exes acting out in anger. Behind all that anger and selfishness is usually a big deep pit of hurt.

 

The path to forgiveness is long and winding. I think it has to start with forgiving yourself first...

[whichwayisup]

Sumdude, you have a very healthy way of thinking and you're handling things really well considering how much crap you've been through - And, was kind of the last one to see it coming your way.....

 

You're gonna be okay once you deal with the anger and the hurt. You're half way there now!

 

Join a gym! All gyms have punching bags.

[Ladyjane14]

Lovely, eloquent post, SD. These are difficult feelings you're dealing with, but you're doing it in a meaningful and introspective way.. You're going to come out of this as a more fully developed person, you know. :bunny:

 

It sounds trite... but you need to stay busy. Work, sports, hobbies, social engagements... activity will do you good. It's GOOD to take an introspective look at what's happened, but immersion is only going to cause you problems. So, beware and tread lightly. "All things in moderation".

[PWSX3]

Join a gym! All gyms have punching bags.

Almost all of them, the one I go to doesn't. :p

But working out on the weights and walking for an hour on the elliptical machine does a lot of good for a person.

 

Keep it positive, look what you are learning.........You are such a better person because you are owning up to what you do have control over & what you can change. (thumbs up smiling inserted here)