OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[ilmw]

Yesterday was a day of quiet & powerful rage...it started the night before. No matter what I tried it was just there like a smoldering pit of hot coal.. I managed to control myself in general but it was a long day. At times I just wanted to grab a baseball bat and go bezerker on something...and I'm not a violent person in general. For a while it seemed like taking the angry man route was a good path, at least temporarily to get through some days.... a lot of it was directed at her yet...The truth is I'm mad at her, mad at myself, mad at alcohol, at other people and situations that contributed to the train wreck the relationship became and how it all ended. Angry that I wasn't able to grab myself by my azz and do then what I've done now... Angry at her for not having the wherewithal to risk trying again...Angry at my sister and mom who treated her badly..there's more than enough of the stuff to go around.

 

That anger turned inward can destroy you.... turned outward it can destroy any relationship.

 

This morning when I woke up it all turned back to grief again.... remembering more how the thing was dying slowly in front of me and I how I felt powerless to stop it. Like most wrecks it all seemed to be in slow motion...and it was, it took months maybe longer. All the signs were there.. it must have been so obvious but it was as if someone else was there watching it happen and where was I? Denial again.... over and over.. I had become a passenger in my own life.

 

Going NC right now is a necessity. Mainly because making big decisions, signing papers etc while the emotions are so high will only cause more destruction. There's a good reason most states have a six month to a year period before divorce can become official.

 

Like they say, anger and rage are usually just hurt and pain turned inside out..... We all have to remember that when we see ourselves or out exes acting out in anger. Behind all that anger and selfishness is usually a big deep pit of hurt.

 

The path to forgiveness is long and winding. I think it has to start with forgiving yourself first...

 

You just posted why NC is so important... The rage you described and the raw emotion... that is in you... clouds your judgement. It is great to see you recognise this. NC will give you the time to douse those smouldering coals.. pacify the rage and anger... and will allow your mind to clear... Also with staying busy... ie: working out.. and social activities.. keeps you occupied.. and over time.. the pain.. want.. and missing shall subside.

 

It may never go away... but.. the fresh, raw... negativity.. will.

 

I'm at the year mark.... and I still have pangs of sadness, grief.. and sometimes anger. But... and it is a 'BIG', but... the way I handle it... the way I interact with DW.. is so different. Its all a learning process. Each of us.. is in a different class.. but with similar subjects... we each have to learn something different.. but they tend to be as well, very similar.

 

I know it is hard to see... that the sun will come out tommorow... but it will.. I felt the same way... "will I ever feel better... will the pain ever go away... ??" Geessh... "when will I get a good night sleep"? Still working on that one..

 

You are getting there bud... you understand what you have to do... now keep on doing it.

 

All the best,

ilmw

[Gunny376]

Wow! Some strong "Ju~Ju" words there from all of you there Gang ~ that RebBull must be some good stuff.

 

Nothing much more to add other than agreeing with LJ in getting busy, and staying busy. Now would be a good time to volunteer for Habitait For Humanity, your local homeless program, Big Brother, coach a kids league, go visit down at the nursing home, etc. By giving to those that are in greater need than yourself, with greater troubles that your own ~ you will learn and grow.

 

Perry, ilmw, and LJ all have it right ~ the dispensation of negative energy and emotion trough positive ways and means. Simple enough

[sumdude]

Trying to get busy, it's a challenge but I'm trying to find new ways to do things. I've been writing a lot of new material. Seems like it's time to resurrect a couple old dreams and see where they go. Get a new band up and running, record a CD, ya never know what can happen.

 

S***,

 

why does it take so much heartbreak for me to get awake?

 

we burned down the bridges with passions dying flame

I walk from the ashes into loneliness and blame

on opposite banks of the river nothing is the same

when the water rises let it wash away the pain....

[quiet1one1]

S***,

 

why does it take so much heartbreak for me to get awake?quote]

 

If you find out, BOTTLE IT!

[sumdude]

Feels like that the 3 week rule and ending relationships being like drug detox is pretty spot on. I can start to look at things a lot more calmly. Even hit some good memories and think "They were the best of times they were the worst of times." A Tale of Two Relationships..

 

On two weeks with NC except one short conversation and starting to feel better every day. Having been through other withdrawals before I can say that it pretty similar in a lot of ways. You don't sleep, nightmares, your emotions go wacko, your brain tries everything possible to get the next 'fix' and rationalize it, you gets the sweats and the shakes. I still get those pangs of just wanting to talk to her. Still part of me has hopes of reconciliation. My rational mind is taking more and more control though and the rolloer coaster is really slowing down.

 

Recovery is kind of similar too. You have to mourn the loss of the drug and all the activites. people and good times you had with it. A good detox progam also addresses deeper emotional issues of the individual and you go through the process of "How did I get here? What can I change about myself to make it possible to avoid this in the future?" It's all about learning coping skills.

 

I'm surprised that there aren't more facilities or programs for the separating/divorcing that take this approach. My advice for people in this situation is the NC and get out of town if at all possible.

 

Went and had a haircut yesterday. Went to a good salon and told the guy to get creative. I don't have a conservative job so i ended up with some blond highlights. Something I never would have done before... loooks pretty dang good on me! Gettin' all GQ n' s***. This guy was great, big Albanian dude with long hair. Told him my tale of woe and he said "Man you don't need that crap, you see all these women who come in here? Tell you what give me your number if someone comes along I'll call ya."

 

Went out to meet a buddy at a club, he was there with 20 work friends. I was sitting in the catbirds seat in front of 6 lovely ladies. I could tell they were checking me out. I'm still not quite there yet. Being sober not being at the level of 'lubrication' they were and I'm a still bit too serious and uptight. I'll get my relaxed self and sense of humor back in time. Still felt nice to be noticed. I'll get there.

[dropdeadlegs]

Went and had a haircut yesterday. Went to a good salon and told the guy to get creative. I don't have a conservative job so i ended up with some blond highlights. Something I never would have done before... loooks pretty dang good on me! Gettin' all GQ n' s***.

I love the haircut story. This is very common among women. Ending a relationship is the beginning of a new life and that deserves a new "do." I have always found it to be like that, sort of cutting out (off) the old and welcoming the new. Highlights are becoming on everyone.

 

I bet you are looking totally hot with the new bod and hair. You should consider a profile pic so we can all see the brand spanking new sumdude.

[sumdude]

I love the haircut story. This is very common among women. Ending a relationship is the beginning of a new life and that deserves a new "do." I have always found it to be like that, sort of cutting out (off) the old and welcoming the new. Highlights are becoming on everyone.

 

I bet you are looking totally hot with the new bod and hair. You should consider a profile pic so we can all see the brand spanking new sumdude.

 

LOL yeah that's about the size of it. New dude, new hair , new life and no wife!

 

It's funny, there is not one person I've talked too who doesn't say that the ex is making a huge mistake. Including ladies who are her freinds too....They all say pretty much the same thing before and after all my changes.

 

The number of women out there who would love to enjoy your company is (spread arms wide)

 

The number of men who would have the patience to put up with your ex for a while is (hold thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart)

 

And I couldn't agree more at this point. She is a drama QUEEN She drained my energy with her constant freaking about nothing. And no I don't think the drinking was a nothing but that came later.....

[dropdeadlegs]

I think it has already been discussed that while you are making advances in personal growth, your wife seems to be living an the very popular fantasy world that new places and people make all your innate problems disappear. We are much more a product of what is inside us than what is around us. The real power to initiate and achieve real, lasting, positive change is in introspection.

 

She has to learn that for herself, and sadly some never learn it at all.

[Gunny376]

Wow! You the man SD, and your the Lady DDL's

 

Great post this A.M. from both of u!

[sumdude]

Well this weekend didn't turn out as I planned. A buddy of mine has an animated film short that was going to be screened last night as part of a film festival. Spent yesterday outside cleaning up the car which needed it after the winter. Y'know outdoor guy stuff. Was looking forward to the screening and seeing the guys and gals I know. Was hoping to maybe play some golf today or something like that. Then I talked to my dad and he was not feeling well. Spent the night at the emergency room with him. He's staying overnight and maybe another day. He's 79 with a weak heart and living alone. Things are just going to get harder for him.

 

Thought about the STBXW, how she was helpful when my mom was sick and dying but also how she expected some sort of medal when she helped out. Then I remember what she said when she left about not wanting the responsibility of a relationship or any responsibility for someone else's family...

So I imagine she's out in this perfect weather having her fun not needing to be there for me and help me out with any of this. How taking care of my dad is going to affect my life. Feeling a bit bummed out but I'll get through it all 'cause I'm a man who takes responsibility. Life sure hasn't been giving me any breaks the last couple years, oh well.

 

What a shallow, self centered childish b'ch she turned out to be. As usual leaving me holding the bag, financially and otherwise.

[Gunny376]

You're coming across sounding like a different guy than when this thread first started. Must be something to that soberity deal? Stronger, more confident, self-assured, ~ keep on a doing what your a doing.

[PWSX3]

You're coming across sounding like a different guy than when this thread first started. Must be something to that soberity deal? Stronger, more confident, self-assured, ~ keep on a doing what your a doing.

Must be something in the water.....:laugh::laugh:

[sumdude]

You're coming across sounding like a different guy than when this thread first started. Must be something to that soberity deal? Stronger, more confident, self-assured, ~ keep on a doing what your a doing.

 

 

Tnx Gunny, I feel so different that I sometimes don't know what to do or how to act just yet. The other night I met up with all my buddies for a bachelor paty. They were all partying on and at some point when they reached that buzz level I was thinking ... so now what? This isn't as fun as it used to be. Been having a bit of trouble just having fun. I have so many adjustments to make with everything going on at once. It's not like I was irresponsible before. I guess mostly now I'm sober and pi**ed off..

 

Parts of the old me I miss. I was a lot of fun. That'll come back soon I hope. Right now I'm not great company. I think the best thing for me to do these days is seek accomplishment and let the rest come as it may. Maybe get into some marshal arts or something to get this aggression out.

[Gunny376]

You're just going through the finding and re-discovering your center of consnious phase. Its kind of dizzing ~ I know, but its just your internal gyroscope spinning up. Look at is as though your doing a system's re-boot ~ LOL. Your procesor has to go through all the programs and sub-routines before you get a and an all systems go for launch!

 

Money and mind alternating substances just make you more of what your naturally are. Thus if you were a fun, happy go lucky guy with the alcohol, then you'll be that same guy without thealcohol. LOL~ on the other hand if your a natural born azzhole ~ mind alterating substances are just going to make you a bigger azzhole!

[sumdude]

Look at is as though your doing a system's re-boot ~ LOL. Your procesor has to go through all the programs and sub-routines before you get a and an all systems go for launch!

 

 

Wow Gunny, you and I think A LOT alike. I said this exact same thing to a buddy at work just a few days ago.

[Ladyjane14]

They were all partying on and at some point when they reached that buzz level I was thinking ... so now what? This isn't as fun as it used to be. Been having a bit of trouble just having fun. I have so many adjustments to make with everything going on at once. It's not like I was irresponsible before. I guess mostly now I'm sober and pi**ed off..

 

Parts of the old me I miss. I was a lot of fun.

 

I don't know if you're still going to meetings or anything like that. But it might not hurt to catch one or two during the week, and particularly when you're going to be out with friends who are drinking.

 

It's difficult to be around people who are "buzzed" when you're sober. They're not nearly as entertaining as they think they are.

 

So, while you don't want to avoid your friends and fall into isolation... you do still need to be cognizant of your situation and realize that you're especially vulnerable right now with all the stress you're under.

 

Do you have a sponsor? This might be a good time to give them a call and talk this over? You might even pm Art Critic. He seems to be very knowledgeable on this subject.

[sumdude]

I don't know if you're still going to meetings or anything like that. But it might not hurt to catch one or two during the week, and particularly when you're going to be out with friends who are drinking.

 

It's difficult to be around people who are "buzzed" when you're sober. They're not nearly as entertaining as they think they are.

 

So, while you don't want to avoid your friends and fall into isolation... you do still need to be cognizant of your situation and realize that you're especially vulnerable right now with all the stress you're under.

 

Do you have a sponsor? This might be a good time to give them a call and talk this over? You might even pm Art Critic. He seems to be very knowledgeable on this subject.

 

I go once a week. I'm not really having big issues with wanting to drink. I played a gig at a club last night no problem. More so just getting through the emotions of the divorce. I find a lot of the people at meetings kind of creepy. So many of them seem to have little social life outside of the program and it's where they have all of thier freinds from. I have a load of support from a lot of good freinds. So in no way am I feeling isolated since I'm pretty regularly paying visits or on the phone. This particular situation was extreme, a bachelor party after all. It's not like all of my friends drink constantly.

[Ladyjane14]

This particular situation was extreme, a bachelor party after all. It's not like all of my friends drink constantly.

 

You're right. That's definitely an "extreme" situation. Just checkin'.

 

I worked in quite a few bars and restaurants in my younger years... and I remember how annoying drunks can be when you're stone cold sober. It's not that I've got anything against folks who drink, mind you. I drink now and then myself. I just don't drink to the point of inebriation.

 

Anyway, you really do sound like you've got a good handle it. Way to go!!! :bunny:

[ilmw]

I worked in quite a few bars and restaurants in my younger years... and I remember how annoying drunks can be when you're stone cold sober. It's not that I've got anything against folks who drink, mind you. I drink now and then myself. I just don't drink to the point of inebriation.

 

Anyway, you really do sound like you've got a good handle it. Way to go!!! :bunny:

 

Tell me about it...

 

Alcohol is a major source of a lot of the "stuff" I deal with... Drugs.. not so much... but it is getting worse.

 

Alcohol... causes some people to act very different than they would normally... talk about letting your inhibitions go!

 

How many sane people... call the police names... and then call them on... just because they have been kicked out of a business ... lets call it a bar.

 

I've seen it so many times... that person gets taken... after being.. gently spoken with... and advised of the errors of their ways... They wake in the morning... on their concrete bed... look around... and must think.."F*uck what did I do last night"... they for the most part... are very apologetic.. and embarrassed.

 

It is really crazy what some people will do... I'd like to tell one story... but it actually made it on the Howard Stern show.. and the Late Show.. so .. for privacy reasons.. and actually identifying myself... I ain't gonna do it... Bit of a tease aren't I.

 

I totally forgot my point to this...:lmao:

 

I'd better go for a nap.. gotta work tonight.

 

BTW.... SD. You really sound like you are getting there bud... that's great. Your strength of character is really shinning through. Keep it up... you are an inspiration I am sure to others who suffer from alcoholism..

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

You're right. That's definitely an "extreme" situation. Just checkin'.

 

I worked in quite a few bars and restaurants in my younger years... and I remember how annoying drunks can be when you're stone cold sober. It's not that I've got anything against folks who drink, mind you. I drink now and then myself. I just don't drink to the point of inebriation.

 

Anyway, you really do sound like you've got a good handle it. Way to go!!! :bunny:

 

When on un-accompained tours to Okinawa ~ I'd always get a second job at the clubs on base ~ just to have something to do and stay busy, make some extra money, etc.

 

Its amazing the difference three feet of being on the other side of the bar makes?

[dropdeadlegs]

I guess we all have stories from one perspective or another. I, too, have given bartending a few tries. Intoxicated people are hard to like, even the nice ones, when you yourself are stone cold sober. The endless boring stories, often ones they've already told me, through slurred words...Argh. They seem to get louder and louder, too. Then there's watching the eternally angry ones slide into inebriation while just looking for a fight, night after night.

 

I'm so glad I don't spend much time in bars anymore. It's great to listen to a good band and have a few beers, but somehow my BF and I always end up "babysitting" someone. Making sure they get home safely, usually meaning cutting our own fun time short. Too many people just don't know when to stop, or are unable to, I suppose.

[Gunny376]

Two good lessons in life ~ work as a bartender (waitress etc) and sell cars (or something) for six months.

[sumdude]

I guess we all have stories from one perspective or another. I, too, have given bartending a few tries. Intoxicated people are hard to like, even the nice ones, when you yourself are stone cold sober. The endless boring stories, often ones they've already told me, through slurred words...Argh. They seem to get louder and louder, too. Then there's watching the eternally angry ones slide into inebriation while just looking for a fight, night after night.

 

I'm so glad I don't spend much time in bars anymore. It's great to listen to a good band and have a few beers, but somehow my BF and I always end up "babysitting" someone. Making sure they get home safely, usually meaning cutting our own fun time short. Too many people just don't know when to stop, or are unable to, I suppose.

 

 

Yeah I l know what you mean. I was one of the most sober acting drinkers around. Even when drinking the other drunks around would often annoy me. The 'amatuers'. People wouldn't even know I was drinking, guess I had a super tolerance physically and mentally. Maybe that's why it was so hard to get through to me. None of my freinds or family belived or noticed there was any problem because I didn't act that much differently. If my wife approached them with it they would note her past habits of exaggeration and not pay much mind to her. I wouldn't get slurred speech or stumble around, get aggressive etc. so they asuumed I was OK. The couple of times I was pulled over I was never taken out of the car for tests.

 

In some ways it was almost scarier that way. It was a slow poisoning more than anything else. I had lost my confidence, lost my drive, experienced amazing amounts of life stess in a short period of time, fell into a depression and an addiction.

 

They do notice that I'm different now. That's for sure. Now to process out all those 'what ifs'.

[sumdude]

So last week I went ahead and posted an ad on a dating site to see what happens. I got a reply today and I find myself.. with some trepidation about it. Maybe it's just too soon for me. Part of me knows that I'm too risk averse in life though. Need to get better at being out of my comfort zone in general. So I'm trying to decide whether or not to reply... Oddly enough I'm almost more worried about something working out than not. I think it's because I'm still kind of hanging on to the STBX. As if I would be cheating on her..how f'ed up is that? Just thinking about it brings up the heartbreak sadness again.... Well we are still 'officially' married. wow this sucks but it will get better. That I'm sure of.

[Gunny376]

IMHO ~ you're not ready to start dating again. IMHO you need to give yourself a good year or two after the ink is dried on the "D" papers before starting dating again ~ as a general rule. You, like I are addicted to "love"

 

Overcome your addictions, master yourself first!