quiet1one1 Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 It's so damn bizzare. I returned her call about the package. We ended up on the phone for an hour just having a conversation. Like nothings wrong... Talked about stuff going on in our lives.. quote] Did you ever think that it's not her that's having an easy time talking about things and maybe it's YOU? Could it be that you're "getting OK" with things and are starting to move on? Be glad that you didn't spend 20 years to get to the same ending. You still have a lot of life to live, buddy, and there's a lady out there just waiting while you get your act together and become the perfect man for her. QUOTE] True, true. While my W and I are ~slowly~ making progress (I think ?) finding stuff like this out after 23+ years really bites. I guess tho if I was hearing this at our 7 year mark I'd be more likely to give up easier and start over cause I was younger? I dunno. ~ the internet, cell phones, texting. etc ~ its not the seven year itch ~ its the four year itch. [/b] Wow. Right on again, Gunny! I've been tossing this aroundin my head for weeks. How much better would things be if we still had to look people in the eye and s-p-e-a-k!!!! I really believe that this plays a big role in why so many relationships are troubled. It's just too easy to put words down and "hit send". And the next generation will be even worse! I was at a popular chain restaurant a few weeks ago and noticed a table of six 20-something year olds. FIVE of the six had their cell phones out and were texting while the one non-texter sat quietly. So sad. I've poked around on a popular dating website and have determined that *if* I ever have to use it, the first line of my profile will be, "Email, text message, cell phone, or smoke signal addicts need not apply. If you can't communicate with me by looking at my face and talking to me, please move on to the next guy." I figure that'd lower my odds by about 80%? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 27, 2007 Author Share Posted April 27, 2007 Dude? Let it go! Just let it go! Just let it go! Its "UP" Aganist the Wall you Redneck Muthers!" Save yourself! Just let it go! Yessir! Mr. Gunny Sir! I'd say the three weeks NC (well 2 little phone calls) has helped a lot. I'm letting it go. It's not like I have another choice other than to keep running over the road kill that was my marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 *sigh* Yeah, I get it DDL and thanks. We were together 7 1/2 years. Right at that magic seven she checked out, like clockwork that number. I'm OK, just ... melancholy...that little ember of hope is hard to douse whether I talk to her or not. I don't doubt that there can be someone else for me, it's a big world. It's not like I don't have a lot to offer. I guess I am at least starting to level off. Just that I'm pretty sure that if she just gave it a shot we could have a damn good thing again...but i can't change that so onward and upward I must go. Do you know what is sad... I think I wrote almost the same thing in my own Thread... some time ago... I think when we really..really ...really love someone... it is Very.. hard not to have those smouldering embers of hope.. Even when it was really bad at the end... Christ... I have been emotionally separated for a year.. and physically separated since September 06... I still get this "faint glimmer of hope" But I am finally getting it into my head.. it is a pipe dream.. and only that.. a dream. I also feel.. if things were to turn around.. it would be.. Much better.. and stronger. But..once again... a DREAM. I would be a total basket case if it were not for LS.. some IC... and tones of reading. I guess I have something to do with it as well.. but.. Hell... "If she was an addiction.. I feel like a 20 year Crack addict.":laugh:.. Time is on our side... it is our friend... and time does heel. You will too my friend... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
El-Producto Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 Do you know what is sad... I think I wrote almost the same thing in my own Thread... some time ago... I think when we really..really ...really love someone... it is Very.. hard not to have those smouldering embers of hope.. Even when it was really bad at the end... Christ... I have been emotionally separated for a year.. and physically separated since September 06... I still get this "faint glimmer of hope" But I am finally getting it into my head.. it is a pipe dream.. and only that.. a dream. I also feel.. if things were to turn around.. it would be.. Much better.. and stronger. But..once again... a DREAM. I would be a total basket case if it were not for LS.. some IC... and tones of reading. I guess I have something to do with it as well.. but.. Hell... "If she was an addiction.. I feel like a 20 year Crack addict.":laugh:.. Time is on our side... it is our friend... and time does heel. You will too my friend... ilmw It's crazy how addicted we get. I mean my STBXW is going off the deep end, and I still miss her from time to time. Or at least I miss the relationship. Thankfully those are usual fleeting thoughts which are quickly destroyed by her insane behavior. Which is ironic, because she is actually helping me get over her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 27, 2007 Author Share Posted April 27, 2007 Do you know what is sad... I think I wrote almost the same thing in my own Thread... some time ago... I think when we really..really ...really love someone... it is Very.. hard not to have those smouldering embers of hope.. Even when it was really bad at the end... Christ... I have been emotionally separated for a year.. and physically separated since September 06... I still get this "faint glimmer of hope" But I am finally getting it into my head.. it is a pipe dream.. and only that.. a dream. I also feel.. if things were to turn around.. it would be.. Much better.. and stronger. But..once again... a DREAM. I would be a total basket case if it were not for LS.. some IC... and tones of reading. I guess I have something to do with it as well.. but.. Hell... "If she was an addiction.. I feel like a 20 year Crack addict.":laugh:.. Time is on our side... it is our friend... and time does heel. You will too my friend... ilmw Thanks I went back and re read the early parts of your thread... Our circumstances are very different yet so very much the same thing happened to both of us. I too became emotionally unavailable and developed a bunker mentality. I was using the drinking to tune out. All the stresses of life ground me down and I lost myself... my center.,.. my confidence. Then adding my wife's own issues... You know I wonder more and more about the effects of long term birth control pill usage. My STBX is 36 yet seems to be hitting almost an early menopause. Her libido was pretty down the last few years...and she couldn't get pregnant. Eventually in my case the alcohol drowned what was left of her 'in love' feelings for me. So live and learn. I know I repeat myself a lot on this thread but it helps to keep getting this out of my head so I can move on. I'm at the three month mark since she left me... and doing OK. Link to post Share on other sites
azianpride143 Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 Yeah the alcohol helps. But it only numbs the pain. I sweared off alcohol for 3 months. I want to feel the pain, hurt, anger, and the multitude of emotions that come with each passing day. You have to face the music. The reality is not easy to accept. We all go through that "glimmer of hope". Despite what our x's did to us. If my x looks deep into my eyes it would be hard for me to hide that love I have inside. But if you face your problems and fears now. Healing and moving on will be a lot easier. I can't say I'm strong and can handle it all. I have had my moments I had broken down so many times. Embrace this experience. Let it beat you down. In the end you will be stronger and ready for the next challenge of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 30, 2007 Author Share Posted April 30, 2007 So this weekend there's an event I had forgotten about. I'ts my neices first communion up north a few hours. Kind of a big deal to our family.... Most of my family doesn't know about the separation/impending divorce yet. Just my dad, brother and sis-in law. My own sister doesn't know because of a big X-MAS falling out and long history of her being just down and nasty. I'm not looking forward to facing everyone and answering the same question over and over again. All these same folks who just 2 yrs ago wished us in our wedding and bought gifts n' all. I am scheduled for pager duty at my job this weekend. I could probably find someone to cover me if I had to. Still part of me wants to aviod the whole extended family at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 I think you need your family more than ever (assuming you have reasonably good relationships.) My family has always been very respectful of how much or how little I wanted to talk about my personal stuff. I'm not all that close to them (and farther geographically) but they have helped me out a lot. I think people treat divorce like death, they pretty much just say "I'm sorry" and go about their business. I'm not catholic, but isn't a first communion a pretty big deal for your niece? Whatever you decide (the extended family has to hear sometime) I suppose you could use that pager as an excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
mammax3 Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 sumdude, if you're not going to go, think about whether you'd regret not going to her first communion! It'd be hard to go and endure the questions, but it's your perogative to say, I'd rather not talk about it. Or Today is about my neice, let's keep the focus on her! People buy gifts at weddings to support the couple on their start in their 'new' lives together. It's not as an insurance to keep the couple together. I'd think about it some more before you decide! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted May 1, 2007 Author Share Posted May 1, 2007 OK, after a day of avoidance I think I need to remind myself to Man Up as Gunny would say. This is my family after all. Even with the familial rifts I should stand up and do what I should do. I am my neices godfather after all. Thing is I'm not very religious at all but this is a responsibility I need to take on. There I went again worrying about what other people think... Now to see if I can get someone to cover my duty shift. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted May 1, 2007 Author Share Posted May 1, 2007 Oh man, just got a call from my dad. His best friend passed away last night from a heart attack. This guy was like an uncle to me. Knew him and his family my whole life. His wife must be a wreck, poor thing. He was more or less my dad's last buddy so I know my dad is reeling too. My actual uncle is in the hospital probably on his way out too. Kidneys failed and unconscious... Need to go and buy a new black suit.... what I have is old and no longer fits. Sad day... another reminder that life is short and you only get one chance. Sometimes I wonder if there's only one chance at a true love and we manage to screw that up. Instead of really trying to work things out having patience and forgiveness. The years of the big D's, Death and Divorce.. Well I can't let this affect what I've accomplished for myself in the past months. That I will stay firm on on soldier on. Well, time to get going and do what needs to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 Oh man, just got a call from my dad. His best friend passed away last night from a heart attack. This guy was like an uncle to me. Knew him and his family my whole life. His wife must be a wreck, poor thing. He was more or less my dad's last buddy so I know my dad is reeling too. My actual uncle is in the hospital probably on his way out too. Kidneys failed and unconscious... Need to go and buy a new black suit.... what I have is old and no longer fits. Sad day... another reminder that life is short and you only get one chance. Sometimes I wonder if there's only one chance at a true love and we manage to screw that up. Instead of really trying to work things out having patience and forgiveness. The years of the big D's, Death and Divorce.. Well I can't let this affect what I've accomplished for myself in the past months. That I will stay firm on on soldier on. Well, time to get going and do what needs to be done. Its amazing how the death of someone we know... can have a profound effect on us... How it makes or forces us to look back on our own lives... and re-evaluate things. All we can do.. is stand to the plate... and get on with it.. Sd... you are sounding strong... keep it up:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted May 1, 2007 Author Share Posted May 1, 2007 Its amazing how the death of someone we know... can have a profound effect on us... How it makes or forces us to look back on our own lives... and re-evaluate things. All we can do.. is stand to the plate... and get on with it.. Sd... you are sounding strong... keep it up:) All the priorities seem to shift pretty quickly when all these things happen so close together. My big problems started a bit over a year ago when my mother was dying from cancer. I didn't cope well and my demons got a hold of me. Also now one of my buddies is having major surgery Friday... he's been sick for a year. They need to remove a big part of his colon. When it rains it pours. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 Yikes, you are really having a lot of drama in your life right now, and I'm so sorry for that. I hope your dad is feeling better (health) than he was last I heard. It must be very hard to start losing friends and siblings when older, reminds us of our own mortality. Don't forget to take care of yourself while trying to help others. I'm truly sorry for your loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted May 1, 2007 Author Share Posted May 1, 2007 Yikes, you are really having a lot of drama in your life right now, and I'm so sorry for that. I hope your dad is feeling better (health) than he was last I heard. It must be very hard to start losing friends and siblings when older, reminds us of our own mortality. Don't forget to take care of yourself while trying to help others. I'm truly sorry for your loss. Thanks DDL, appreciate it. Dad's a bit better, he came back home. It's all been hard on him... Lost his wife, the family starts to fall apart, his son 's marriage falling apart, his other son's marriage in trouble, his best bud dying and his brother in law on the way out ... At his age with the weak heart it might be a lot for him to take. I'm going to really have to hold my old man up right now. *dang* waterworks just kinda started up again...whew But I'm OK.... can't help but miss my ex right now. I feel like at least calling to let her know what's going on. I keep thinking "Life is so short and sometimes we get lost and manage to screw up the important stuff." But I don't know if it's a good idea. It's tough, she was my best freind and confidant... the person to talk to... all of that... and she has rejected our marriage. Last Friday when i returned her call about the package we talked for an hour. Her group house had been broken into and stuff vandalized. She thanked me for being on the phone with her while she waited for her roomates to come home.. So I fulfilled some need there... but yet here we are? She still wants to be part of my life in some way yet doesn't want .... I'll never figure this out. Like yesterday morning she calls, wasn't awake enough to check the ID. Starts telling me about her weekend with her mom who came to visit. I had to end that call... gets to be a bit much. I can't tell what she wants. Seems that she misses me... but I can't keep going through the heartstring jerking. I doubt that's her motive but it happens anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 Had to take the day off, tweaked my back pretty good at the gym yesterday. ( PSWX are there some weird parallel lives on this board or what ?) I sent an e-mail to the STBX to put those folks who are suffering in her prayers. She does know them and I feel that was appropriate. I've made the plans to go to NJ for my neice's communion as well as the funeral with my dad. I also started the information machine so that when the family sees me sans wife they won't need to ask what's up and the events can go on without my situation being a distraction. Called one cousin and also asked my brother to spread the news up there. About time to stand up, accept and admit what has happened. Move on in life standing up. BTW bought a copy of Xuma's "Secrets of the Alpha Man" with the audio CD's. Pretty good stuff. Some of it is more targeted to twenty-somethings but most of it is good life advice. Thanks for the recommendation Gunny. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 Had to take the day off, tweaked my back pretty good at the gym yesterday. ( PSWX are there some weird parallel lives on this board or what ?) You could have just felt sorry for me instead of sharing the pain...:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 You could have just felt sorry for me instead of sharing the pain...:laugh: LOL seems like sharing pain is what this place is all about. Hope you feel better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 LOL seems like sharing pain is what this place is all about. Hope you feel better soon. I hope I do too, I have an interview on Friday.. By the way I'm sorry to hear about all the extra stress going on right now in your life. I think you are doing what you can & remember there are here that support what you are doing. Just like I told Ilmw, you can only do so much but people will appreciate the little help you can give. Just be supportive for your dad and know you did what you could. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 My STBX called. She was upset that I sent an e-mail about what happened rather than call her. I guess however I handle things I'm wrong in her eyes. She told me that she couldn't come back here because there was too much pain associated. Things that happened with my mom and others. That she felt abandoned by me when I was lost in the drinking and depression. The healing has a way to go for her. I didn't say it but I think those feelings have to do with where you are inside and not your location. She's now sure she doesn't want children, adopted or otherwise. That she wants to break the cycle of her family dysfunction when it comes to kids. Again that I deserved someone not so messed up? So many issues inside of her ... does she consider how I feel much? I was honest and told her that I missed her but couldn't change how she feels. That I also had anger and was trying to avoid sending it in the wrong directions. I can tell she's as conflicted as I am. Like part of her wants us but she can't let go of the past. It seems she still loves me. I feel as though the time is soon coming where we should meet and talk it all out. Not with the goal to fix anything or finalize anything just get it all out. Let the chips fall as they may. There's been enough NC time and distance for me to handle that. I'll be OK however it pans out. I have no expectations. Looks like things keep happening in life that make no contact almost impossible. These things may be happening for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 She called again..... She let a lot out, the hurt, the anger, frustration, sadness ... her feelings from over the years. I just listened, said as little as I could. It was ... cathartic, for her and for me. So much had been left unsaid. Whatever happens together or apart this is the path to healing. I think we both need to know where we stood, where we stand before we can move on.... or anything else. I'm feeling stronger than I've ever been. Facing life head on. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted May 3, 2007 Share Posted May 3, 2007 She called again..... She let a lot out, the hurt, the anger, frustration, sadness ... her feelings from over the years. I just listened, said as little as I could. It was ... cathartic, for her and for me. So much had been left unsaid. Whatever happens together or apart this is the path to healing. I think we both need to know where we stood, where we stand before we can move on.... or anything else. I'm feeling stronger than I've ever been. Facing life head on. There nothing like a good soul cleansing.... learning to let got of crap from the past.. kinda feels like being reborn... with all the lessons from the old you... You do sound stronger.. It is great to walk 10 lbs lighter.. when you get that monkey of your back.. Learn from this... and keep on learning.. as the Master has taught (Gunny ) To learn to walk with grace... to always try to be a better person.. Its almost Zen like at times.. (and to re-read my own post here.. I would have probably wanted to kick my own hippy arse a couple of years ago..) But seriously... I feel I have achieved a mental state of well being.. that I have never achieved before. EVER... Of course I am human.. and my own grief blind sides my once and awhile. Usually when I am really tired... driving around at night.. on some lonely country road.. attempting to dodge suicidal deer... who figure.. the grass is greener on the other side of the road.. and "walk towards the light":confused:... Ok... I gotta go to bed.. I always post weird stuff... when I get of night shift.. SD... your doing fine bud! ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted May 3, 2007 Share Posted May 3, 2007 ...driving around at night.. on some lonely country road.. attempting to dodge suicidal deer... who figure.. the grass is greener on the other side of the road.. and "walk towards the light":confused:... :lmao: Too funny. Reminds me of a bit from Ron White: My cousin Ray on the other hand thinks that killin' a deer with a deer rifle is like magic in the forest. And now, I would like to do for you now my impression of my cousin Ray after the big kill. "Hell, it was four in the mornin', 22 degrees outside. 'Course, you weren't there. P****. I'm in a camouflaged deer blind. I've got grease paint on my face and deer urine on my boots. I'm not sure why." (I made that part up.) "I've got a 30-06 with a laser scope. This baby will fire a bullet 2200 feet per second. When that deer looked up to lick the salt sucker I lunged from the danged ol' tree... caught him right above the eye." Yeah, well, I hit one with a *van* goin' *fifty-five* miles an hour with the headlights on and the horn blowin'! :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted May 3, 2007 Author Share Posted May 3, 2007 OK, soo.... she called today. She apologised for going off on the phone last night. Said it's messed up that after 3 months separation she still has all that anger in her. I've found it interesting that she has made all the communication attempts over the last few weeks but I'm not going to read anything into that. Probably that whole 'let's be freinds now' thing. Controlling my fantasies so to speak. She has some jewelry that was originally my grandmother's she wants to give as a communion gift to my niece. We're meeting for lunch tomorrow. I working on myself to have no expectations. I'm still pretty sure she's done with us and after all I have a world full of options and can live without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted May 3, 2007 Share Posted May 3, 2007 Just give yourself time ~ as a rule of thumb it's going to take about a good two years before you fully recover. Link to post Share on other sites
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