OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[ilmw]

I've been doing well overall. There are just those moments when it just hits again. I know I don't even look like the same person I was, lost 60 lbs and gained some muscle. I think differently too. I don't actually believe it was all my fault ... I do know where I made some big mistakes. She's admitted to maybe one or two little ones .... She's a pretty unique one in general She'll say things now like she hopes someone comes along for me and that I should jump on it LOL and that now I'm ready for the 'big league'. What a load! I guess with her I was in the minors. Where does she get this crap? Anyway I'm feeling a lot better today, just needed to hit the next grief milestone I suppose.

 

Yeah... I think we all hit those stumbling blocks.. Events that trip us up.. side swipe us with hidden pangs of emotion. Pain floods back... But as you know yourself... the recovery time in between these events decreases.. But it doesn't necessarily make the pain any less.

 

Good to hear you are feeling better ..

[sumdude]

Yeah... I think we all hit those stumbling blocks.. Events that trip us up.. side swipe us with hidden pangs of emotion. Pain floods back... But as you know yourself... the recovery time in between these events decreases.. But it doesn't necessarily make the pain any less.

 

Good to hear you are feeling better ..

 

 

The spasms of hope dying bit by bit. No matter what I tell myself or believe rationally there's that part of me down deep that still hopes, subconscious I guess. Hope dies a hard death kicking and screaming.... that is any hope for this relationship... So every milestone like this is just another stab in it's heart.

 

There is today, tomorrow and the future is wide open. So hope sure lives on elsewhere.

 

I keep in mind that this was my first LTR and I've definitly had the trifecta of grief in the last couple of years... All is well and getting better.

[ilmw]

The spasms of hope dying bit by bit. No matter what I tell myself or believe rationally there's that part of me down deep that still hopes, subconscious I guess. Hope dies a hard death kicking and screaming.... that is any hope for this relationship... So every milestone like this is just another stab in it's heart.

 

There is today, tomorrow and the future is wide open. So hope sure lives on elsewhere.

 

I keep in mind that this was my first LTR and I've definitly had the trifecta of grief in the last couple of years... All is well and getting better.

 

That was a very good post SD.

 

You can tell that you are facing this crap face on... and dealing with it. It's the only way to do it. As with anything in life that threatens you... face it! You keep your pride.. and self worth. It can/does also build character... like a cool scar....

 

ilmw

[Lost_in_TN]

SD,

Man what a ride you have been on. I admire and respect the way you've handled things, and your honesty shines through. Good luck with everything, keep fighting the good fight, and good things are bound to happen for you.

[Gunny376]

SD,

Man what a ride you have been on. I admire and respect the way you've handled things, and your honesty shines through. Good luck with everything, keep fighting the good fight, and good things are bound to happen for you.

 

 

Yes, I'm quite proud of my men! SumDude, ILMW, Perry, CC, DD and others that have posted! They've turned into quite a damn good fire-team, squad, platoon!

 

They've all "manned up!"

 

Spartians every one of them!

 

They've taken the high road, the hard road!

[sumdude]

Thanks for the props ... means a lot.

 

Yesterday was a good day. Funny how my life has gone full circle. 10 years ago I was playing in a band with a female lead singer Deanna. Not long after that band broke up her 10 year relationship ended and she went into a full on life change. That was about the time I met my STBX. Deanna decided to quit her day job and do music full time. Went down to Nashville and has put out 3 albums. Now I'm in the same boat as she was then and she comes back into town and I'm playing in a band with her again. Life is really strange and things must happen for a reason.

 

After the show and dinner we were talking about songwriting and listening to things we were working on. We were talking about writers and artists and how we tend to go for the high highs and suffer the low lows and dwell upon things. Part of what we do as writers is try to explain or describe what we experience for ourselves and to share it with others. Something she said about breakups hit me

 

" After the first big one the others aren't as bad, you don't let yourself get in that deep again."

 

my reply was

 

" That's kinda scary."

 

That is in a way one of my little fears. Not that I won't meet someone else but that I won't be able to give myself again in that way or allow myself to accept it from someone else.

 

 

Any thoughts out there on that?

[GreenEyedLady]

" After the first big one the others aren't as bad, you don't let yourself get in that deep again." my reply was " That's kinda scary." That is in a way one of my little fears. Not that I won't meet someone else but that I won't be able to give myself again in that way or allow myself to accept it from someone else.Any thoughts out there on that?

 

I have thoughts on that...

 

I think it's a bitter take on life and love and bull****!

 

And from what you've said about yourself never doing anything half-a****, you wouldn't even be able to live that way...

 

Life is full of experiences; Some of them are awesome, some of them are heart-breaking and some of them are hum-drum...and there's risk in anything that you do...but if you have the chance to be a part of something special, would you pass it by, just so you won't get hurt?

 

YOU will find someone special again, that's a given...it might not happen in the time frame you're hoping, but it will happen...and does that person deserve not to get your 100%, just because someone broke your heart? Don't close yourself off to the possibility of your dreams coming true...

 

I feel really bad for your friend because she's not really living with that philosophy...for me to live that way, I would actually be dying...

 

Hang in there! Live your life in a way that you'll have no regrets!

[sumdude]

Little update..

 

Last week I was moved into a different office at work .I was emptying out my desk of 9 years. I kept finding these cute little hidden love notes and cards from my STBX There was this packet of lovers 'coupons' she gave that we never got around to using. About 20 minutes into my walk I just stopped and decided I'd had ENOUGH! No more tears, no more sadness, no more guilt, no more anger and that's it. It has to stop NOW! From then on every time I start to feel that I stop myself again.

 

Since then I've felt a whole lot better. A little about things but now i can control that and see it for what it is. I know I've been manipulated a bit but that's okay... The past gets flushed today.

 

So now I go to the jewlers and see if I can consign the diamond ring and get some money to help pay the debts I've been stuck with.

[Missy27]

Good for you SD. Your story has been quite a whirlwind of emotions.

Just dont be TOO hard on yourself, you are allowed to feel things sometimes, its all part of learning who we are. Just don't let anything get in the way of YOUR own personal progress.

 

And you know what you said about your friend saying that the 1st relationship is always the hardest and not letting yourself in too deep again... Well... I've thought about that particular thing ALOT in relation to my own personal situation and you know what ~ ? At the end of the day NO two people are the same. The next gal who comes your way wont be your STBX, its a whole new individual. You might be a little more ..... cautious..... to begin with... but it doesnt mean that you'll have to give any less to the new relationship than you did with your STBX. You just KNOW alot more. You're alot more educated in that respect and you probably wont take half as much crap as you did before .... and that's not a bad thing in my book. Everything will be new when you meet someone else. From handing her a cup of coffee in the morning to driving her to work to smiling at her to her smiling at you to talking to her - EVERYTHING, none of it will be the same, it's ALL gonna be different in alot of ways ~~

[sumdude]

Good for you SD. Your story has been quite a whirlwind of emotions.

Just dont be TOO hard on yourself, you are allowed to feel things sometimes, its all part of learning who we are. Just don't let anything get in the way of YOUR own personal progress.

 

And you know what you said about your friend saying that the 1st relationship is always the hardest and not letting yourself in too deep again... Well... I've thought about that particular thing ALOT in relation to my own personal situation and you know what ~ ? At the end of the day NO two people are the same. The next gal who comes your way wont be your STBX, its a whole new individual. You might be a little more ..... cautious..... to begin with... but it doesnt mean that you'll have to give any less to the new relationship than you did with your STBX. You just KNOW alot more. You're alot more educated in that respect and you probably wont take half as much crap as you did before .... and that's not a bad thing in my book. Everything will be new when you meet someone else. From handing her a cup of coffee in the morning to driving her to work to smiling at her to her smiling at you to talking to her - EVERYTHING, none of it will be the same, it's ALL gonna be different in alot of ways ~~

 

 

Tnx, that's pretty much the way I'm looking at it. I've also realized that my STBX had been through a few LTRs, walked away from one wedding and a couple cohabitations before me. I think she was already somewhat jaded and obviously has long term commitment issues in general. If past behavior is a predictor I should have know this might happen.... perhaps I did or at least feared it and the cycle began. No point in much more analysis though I'll still wonder on occasion.

 

 

FWIW I still need to work at reconciling what happened with my drinking .... chicken - egg scenario of stress, MORE stress, depression, grief, coping, escape and addictive behavior. I can see now that our relationship was a huge stressor. Some people are emotionally draining to be with and have small reserves of emotional support to give in troubled times.

[Melovator]

FWIW I still need to work at reconciling what happened with my drinking .... chicken - egg scenario of stress, MORE stress, depression, grief, coping, escape and addictive behavior. I can see now that our relationship was a huge stressor. Some people are emotionally draining to be with and have small reserves of emotional support to give in troubled times.

 

Now you know that you need to keep emotion for yourself. Some people are toxic and will drain and pollute your emotional reserves. Call your internal EPA and boot their asses! You're doing amazing, you should feel so very proud of yourself. Give yourself credit for each small way you've gotten better.

[dropdeadlegs]

Hey sumdude,

 

It is really very cool to see a life story play out over time; thanks for continuing to post. Believe it or not, even those of us in a good place learn something from it.

 

I really liked what Missy27 said about each future personal relationship being different, yet you have learned so much more. You have more KNOWLEDGE. I think that is very true. We can't let the past hold us back, yet we need to draw on it for the future. We can learn so much from our pasts and put it to good use.

 

What you said about people with low emotional reserves really hit home for me, too. That is something I haven't been able to put into words as well as you did, but it's a lesson I realized I have learned. Thanks for pointing that out to me.

[sumdude]

Hey sumdude,

 

It is really very cool to see a life story play out over time; thanks for continuing to post. Believe it or not, even those of us in a good place learn something from it.

 

I really liked what Missy27 said about each future personal relationship being different, yet you have learned so much more. You have more KNOWLEDGE. I think that is very true. We can't let the past hold us back, yet we need to draw on it for the future. We can learn so much from our pasts and put it to good use.

 

What you said about people with low emotional reserves really hit home for me, too. That is something I haven't been able to put into words as well as you did, but it's a lesson I realized I have learned. Thanks for pointing that out to me.

 

Posting here helps me a lot. Sort of my online journal.... Plus like i wrote in ilmw's thread... the person I used to share life's thoughts and feelings with is gone so these feelings need to go somewhere. Guess I'm one of those men who actually likes to communicate.

 

It doesn't make sense but the dang thing is that I still miss her ... after all that has happened. Just that connection with someone, knowing they are there if even just to talk to at any time. That one person you can count on..

 

I know that person no longer lives in her mind and heart so I miss who she was to me. I had no idea it could take so long to get over this ... or just how much sorrow I could feel. Not like I'm dragging around moping all day but it still hits me every once in a while...

 

Yeah, low emotional reserves ... or is it just lack of patience and commitment? LOL who knows, depends on my mood..

[sumdude]

Looks like life and God life have all sorts of things set up for me. I suddenly have about 6 gigs a month lined up. There was a guy setting up the fiber connection in my house today. At the time I was listening to some recordings I have been working on. Later he asked who it was and I said it was my stuff. He asked if I had a CD because he wanted to buy one. I told him it was a work in progress and would let him know when it was ready. Made me feel good about the future.

 

Tomorrow I go to rehearse with my friend, do some water skiing with her and go to a party.... Life is definitely looking up!

[mammax3]

That's awesome, sumdude!

 

I also like to read your thread. I like to read the threads of the men who are trying, as it gives me a sense as what could be, as how a man may act - if they want to.

 

Thanks!

 

[Melovator]

That's awesome, sumdude!

 

I also like to read your thread. I like to read the threads of the men who are trying, as it gives me a sense as what could be, as how a man may act - if they want to.

 

Thanks!

 

 

I agree with Mammax, its nice they're are so many guys in LS because it reminds you that guys aren't all bastards, that as people we all feel the same pain and we all do sh*tty things to each other, its just how we deal with things and how we do things that's different because of different social expectations/ biology? I dunno there are scientists whose job it is to explain that cr*p.

 

Bloody wisked about the gigs and the CD sumdude- you should be proud!

[sumdude]

So things are pretty good ... Played another gig tonight. Had a good 4th of July with freinds. I've been reconnecting with a lot of people I've lost touch with. It's amazing how often I'm hearing things like ...

 

"Well we would have liked to have seen you more but it just that ... your X could be a bit much to take so .."

 

IOW they kinda stopped inviting us to a lot of things because she annoyed people.. wow... Not that they hated her or anything but that her constant drama, nonstop talking and incredible one upsmanship (she ALWAYS had to have a bigger story than anyone) was hard to handle.

 

I also finally got my car back from the body shop.. Hmmm .. looks like I've got my life back in general.

 

In a couple weeks comes filing for divorce at the courthouse. That will be a sad yet freeing moment. I guess then it's waiting for the judicial system to grind to the conclusion and I'll be through with this thing. Seems like I'm jammin' right on through to the acceptance stage and looking down the road ... sure I'l hit a few traffic tie ups and speed bumps but I'm rollin along.

[Melovator]

IOW they kinda stopped inviting us to a lot of things because she annoyed people.. wow... Not that they hated her or anything but that her constant drama, nonstop talking and incredible one upsmanship (she ALWAYS had to have a bigger story than anyone) was hard to handle.

 

I have an acquaintance like that so I can personally attest to how you dump people because their stories go from being "I couldn't get tickets to Pearl Jam so I sat outside and listened" to " I sat outside and then stole stuff from cars" to "Outisde-cars- friend's dad a security guard and sneaked us in" then "we got backstage" to finally "I met Eddie Vedder"- and Kelly slater taught her to surf too!

 

Seems like I'm jammin' right on through to the acceptance stage and looking down the road ... sure I'l hit a few traffic tie ups and speed bumps but I'm rollin along.

 

Hey that's life! We all gotta drive that road, its cool to see you doing it in style!

[sumdude]

IOW they kinda stopped inviting us to a lot of things because she annoyed people.. wow... Not that they hated her or anything but that her constant drama, nonstop talking and incredible one upsmanship (she ALWAYS had to have a bigger story than anyone) was hard to handle.

 

I have an acquaintance like that so I can personally attest to how you dump people because their stories go from being "I couldn't get tickets to Pearl Jam so I sat outside and listened" to " I sat outside and then stole stuff from cars" to "Outisde-cars- friend's dad a security guard and sneaked us in" then "we got backstage" to finally "I met Eddie Vedder"- and Kelly slater taught her to surf too!

 

 

LOL that's about the size of it.... makes me look back and wonder what of the things she told me was ever true or accurate.... I think living with that nagging doubt lurking in the back of my mind those years caused me a lot of stress.

[sumdude]

Well, next Monday we planned to go to the courthouse and file for divorce since the six months is up. That's been weighing a bit heavy on my as it approaches dragging me down some but what else can I expect. Haven't spoken with my stbx in a month or so... Need to call to discuss arrangements and get this done.. Part of me doesn't want to deal with it but I also know it has to happen. So I'm kinda down right now but I know it will pass. Otherwise life's been pretty good, staying busy seeing a lot of freinds. Just carryin' on.

[whichwayisup]

SD, you've come such a long way and you should be proud of yourself!

[Art_Critic]

When you can finally close this chapter you will feel uplifted knowing that your new future as the new sumdude is in front of you..

 

You should be proud of your accomplishments to this point.. all of them.. you got thru this with your head held high and did all the hard work that needed to be done..

 

Good luck....

[sumdude]

Tnx all, you've been a help to me as I've gone through this.

 

It sure gets confusing but c'est la vie as they say. When my stbx says things like

 

" I love you, part of me will always love you but I'm not the right one for you."

" Someone will come along that's right for you."

 

It gets confusing... and it doesn't seem to be coming much from guilt on her part .. I think she means this stuff. She may very well be right but, wow here we are talking about the lawyer, signing the papers and getting the divorce done and I'm hearing "I love you??" I'm Ok with it I guess ...still ... what's a guy to think?

[whichwayisup]

She loves and cares about you - Meaning - Just that. Nothing more, nothing less. It is what it is. Hope that makes sense.

[PWSX3]

We love you & care for you as well, I hope that doesn't mean we are a couple. :lmao::lmao:

 

I have this feeling once things are signed & the ink is dry we will hear a certain sumdude saying; wow I am so happy now, things are going so well for me, etc. etc.

 

You have done so much & you should get a thumbs up or two for all the hard work. Just look at what you have done in such a short time & it will just keep getting better!!!!!!