OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[sumdude]

Seems that way, tnx y'all....

 

It's still sad that it all came to this ... a shame. There was a lot of love there once and I still care. I'll try to walk away with the good stuff and remember what I learned about life and love out if it. Gonna take a while longer to really move on but every day it happens.

[Gunny376]

Seems that way, tnx y'all....

 

It's still sad that it all came to this ... a shame. There was a lot of love there once and I still care. I'll try to walk away with the good stuff and remember what I learned about life and love out if it. Gonna take a while longer to really move on but every day it happens.

 

 

There's a place in my memory, specifically around 1985, when I was still married, our children were young, the chores were done, the bills were payed, it was a late Spring day, we were BBQing, the wife and I were getting along really well, shinnin' and a grinnin' at one another ~ laughing. All was right with the world. Kind of like the Nexus in the Star Track movie.

 

AS part of a couple or single ~ THAT'S where I'm determined to get back to in life, mentally and emotionally.

 

This days I deliberately keep things and my life as simple, un-complexed as possible. I don't live in the biggest most expensive house in town, don't drive a BMW, or Benz, what I got isn't the best, necessary newest. But its paid for and mine. I don't dish out any crap, I don't get dealt any ~ I'm not in the crap business. I try to keep my life as stress free and simple as possible. I've leanred to take things easy and slow. I've learned how to just "chill out". I don't rush to and fro, I'm not trying to climb up the food chain ~ nor am I'm trying to impress anyone. I could give a damn what the Jones' have and don't have, do and don't do.

 

I roll with Mr. Reality, I keep it real these days!

[sumdude]

Been a long week. I was in the process of the do it yourself divorce and hit a snag. All it takes is one tiny missing line in a waiver and things get stalled. Naturaly she went off a bit when I told her there was a holdup.

 

A word to the wise, be very wary of doing your own divorce, even if it's totally uncontested and simple.

 

So as we agreed I called a lawyer and set up an appointment to get it cleared up. Of course she insisted on coming to the meeting. I felt no reason to fight that since we both want this to be wrapped up. She has some idea in her head that I might be purposefully trying to slow or stop the D. Hardly...

 

Anyhow we went to the lawyers office, I met with him alone first and it was decided to start over in a different county where things go much easier. Then she came in and we started the thing. As usual she created some chaos in the office. Just being pushy and know it all-ish, talking and trying to take control of the meeting.

 

Afterward I drove her back to her car. The whole time she was going on again about how self - centered I was and all the things I did. That it pi**es her off that I made all these changes now and not earlier. I just kept my cool and didn't really respond other than to say Can't argue with you. She said she was jaded with men because of me, I said that at the moment I felt the same but was working hard not to.

 

Then she asked me if she came back would I even consider taking her. I asked why? She said because she knows of men who have done crazy things to try and keep thier wives. I told her I might consider it but it would take a lot of work on both our parts. I'm pretty certain it was a rhetorical question and not anything but discussion anyway. I said I was dealing with reality and at this point want the divorce done as much as she does so that we can both move on. That I had too much self respect to play such games.

 

So today I start two weeks vacation. Spending a week at the beach with my brother, his wife, their two daughters and my dad. Will be strage.... It's also where I went with my X every year, where i proposed and we had many wonderful and romantic times. I'm bringing my own car so if i feel the need I can go solo and head out.

[whichwayisup]

She threw some weird shi.t fit...I don't understand the whole point of her treating you that way and then asking you this???

 

Then she asked me if she came back would I even consider taking her. I asked why? She said because she knows of men who have done crazy things to try and keep thier wives.

 

This is just a very odd thing to ask, all things considering...

 

Have a good time on your vacation, don't let your ex and those memories ruin your holiday!

[bestadvisor]

It seems that you're still not over her. You mention and analyze every word your W said carefully. What happend to the othe women you've hooked up with lately? Doesn't getting "intimate" with them help you move on? How come you don't talk about them or are they just casuals?

[sumdude]

She threw some weird shi.t fit...I don't understand the whole point of her treating you that way and then asking you this???

 

"Then she asked me if she came back would I even consider taking her. I asked why? She said because she knows of men who have done crazy things to try and keep thier wives. "

 

 

This is just a very odd thing to ask, all things considering...

 

Have a good time on your vacation, don't let your ex and those memories ruin your holiday!

 

Well I'm back. It was a fairly decent week. My brother and his wife are having some problems too ... so I was in a strange position. She would talk to me about things. My brother isn't a very open person so I tried to get him to open up a bit but tread carefully.

 

It was hard not to trip over a lot of memories there .. it is where I proposed and some of the best times we had.

 

Yes a very odd question from her, but then again she is a pretty odd person so it's no surprise and I make nothing of it. She's been spending a lot of time with others going through divorces at the same time .. I call it her divorce club. So maybe she's seen a few strange things happen or testing too see if I'm done with her. Eh .. doesn't really matter.

[sumdude]

It seems that you're still not over her. You mention and analyze every word your W said carefully. What happend to the othe women you've hooked up with lately? Doesn't getting "intimate" with them help you move on? How come you don't talk about them or are they just casuals?

 

Haqrd to say exactly when you're really "over" someone. I'm definitely pretty far on my way. Still, it's taking time. It was a deep 8 year relationship which doesn't go away overnight and it's been 7 months and just now on Wednesday getting the actual divorce.

 

As far as any other women there was one encounter with a woman which lasted a weekend. It was part of moving on. Otherwise right now I'm not that interested in a serious relationship unless someone really great comes along. Still untangling myself from the last one.

 

There's a process poeple go through, I read a great book on vacation called "Uncoupling". It was based on interviews with a couple hundred people who have been through major long term relationship breakups. Amazing how similar the things people go through are and the time it takes. Also very similar to the short version here..

[bestadvisor]

As far as any other women there was one encounter with a woman which lasted a weekend. It was part of moving on. Otherwise right now I'm not that interested in a serious relationship unless someone really great comes along. Still untangling myself from the last one.

 

Didn't you also had a fling with a woman that one of your friend (who was coming on to your wife) had a crush on? Anyways, what happened with this weekend-woman? Why didn't you aske her out again?

 

Did you ever find out whether your wife is having a emotional or physical affair? If not, you might still have hope.

[sumdude]

Didn't you also had a fling with a woman that one of your friend (who was coming on to your wife) had a crush on? Anyways, what happened with this weekend-woman? Why didn't you aske her out again?

 

There's only the one woman, same one. She didn't want to really keep anything going because of the friend drama and other reasons and I was OK with that. I may drop her a line sometime and see how's she's doing.

 

 

Did you ever find out whether your wife is having a emotional or physical affair? If not, you might still have hope.

 

No, I have no real way of knowing other than my STBX's words whether or not there's someone she's seeing. She still says no and that's pretty much all I have to go on. She moved about 45 minutes away and I've never even seen where she lives or the people she now associates with.

 

As far as hope ..... I'm carrying on with my life. There would have to be very clear signals from her for me to even consider that ... even then I don't know. We would be starting over in a lot of ways. She has been consistant about wanting the divorce done ASAP. That it's over and she's not coming back. I'm at peace with it, moving along and going though the healing process. I'll never say never but really I have no reason to think that reconciliation is a possibility at this point.

[whichwayisup]

Haqrd

 

Yeah, duh, that took me about 2 mins to figure out you meant the word "hard". Thought Haqrd was a new poster for sec! LOL

 

testing too see if I'm done with her

 

Yes, and it's all ego based now.

[sumdude]

Yeah, duh, that took me about 2 mins to figure out you meant the word "hard". Thought Haqrd was a new poster for sec! LOL

 

 

 

Yes, and it's all ego based now.

 

I should be better about proofreading my posts. LOL

[whichwayisup]

LOL, it's okay. I'm famous here for writing down 'pubic' when I'm meaning 'public'...lol

[Art_Critic]

LOL, it's okay. I'm famous here for writing down 'pubic' when I'm meaning 'public'...lol

 

you are just wanting to write in red ink

 

Hi sumdude..

 

Glad to see you are doing well... keep on keeping on...

[butterfly37]

Sumdude,

You are working on yourself and becoming a better person because of all of this. Stay true to yourself. I read an interesting quote this morning:

[FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]“Begin with the end in mind.”[/FONT]

[COLOR=#999999][FONT=Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif]- Stephen R. Covey (b. 1932)

motivational writer[/FONT][/COLOR]

So true!!!!

[butterfly37]

that didn't work so well......not very pretty.....

 

"Begin with the end in mind."

-Stephen R. Covey(b. 1932)

motivational writer

[Gunny376]

You'v jusrt saved a life!

[sumdude]

You'v jusrt saved a life!

 

huh?

[sumdude]

Went to the courthouse this morning for the divorce hearing. My X was there with her freind as witness, I came with my roommate. Things were cordial but tense. The hearing took all of 5 minutes ... I answered that I had no objection to the proceedings. My X answered 10 questions, her witness verified her testimony and that was it. So ... anti climactic.

 

When it was done I could see my X was really wound up and stressed whereas I was pretty calm. She stammered on about having to leave right away and some meeting etc and ran off kinda bit**y. I called out her name and said "You could at least say goodbye." I walked up to her by the elevator she was waiting for, gave her a little hug and said "Take care of yourself, OK?" FWIW I would not leave her with a bad possibly last memory of me.

 

In the end I can say these things;

 

I gave what I could give and did the best I could do at the time.

 

I'm an imperfect human being with faults and weaknesses like everyone else.... and so is she.

 

Rather than thinking of mistakes I think in terms of choices ... either trying to do the right thing for the wrong reasons or more often the wrong thing for the right reasons.

 

I can say without doubt that I was utterly faithful to her in body and heart from the day we met until the day we separated and beyond.

 

I never once laid a violent finger on her in any way and rarely even raised my voice.

 

After all she's put me through I still love her, doesn't mean I'm sure I would still want to be with her.

 

Should love come my way again I will never take it for granted.

 

I'm going to be just fine ...

 

 

Thanks to all of you on LS who've helped me through this and all my freinds and family who were there too. I like to think I'm helping others too, that helps a lot in healing.

[butterfly37]

I'm sorry for your loss dude.

 

I like to think I'm helping others too, that helps a lot in healing.

 

It's SO TRUE!!!!

[dropdeadlegs]

You ARE going to be just fine and you WILL find love again!

 

I promise.

 

I'm so happy to see that the event wasn't bad, too.

[Art_Critic]

The deed is done, it's official

 

I'd like to say Congrats.. but that doesn't really sound right..

 

How about " The weight is now off your shoulders and no longer a responsibility of yours.."

 

You have come this far and will find love again..only now you are wiser about who you are.. guaranteed..

 

You are a great guy..You ex's loss and your next loves gain

[butterfly37]

Now go do something good for yourself!!!!!

[PWSX3]

Sumdude, I for one is very proud of you. You showed who was the one in charge with there life & it sounds like you could see what people look like when they are just running in circles & don't know which end is up (THE X).

 

It is sad that things didn't work out, but you have taken the high road, you have learned & bettered yourself & that is all you can do.

 

Look at who you were before this started & look at who you are now, great job!!!!

[sumdude]

Thanks all ... had a good night, though up and down.

 

Somehow ended up doing the relationship playback in my head.

 

I look at it now and realize that when me and the X met she didn't have much to bring to the table other than herself. Through the relationship she was constantly in and out of work. I would say that at least 30 - 40% of the time I was the sole breadwinner, even before we were married. At the beginning she always had nightmares etc. because of her difficult past. I helped her and supported her to find a career that worked for her. Told her she was good enough and smart enough to do it. She's at least doubled or tripled her earning potential in that time.

 

Maybe though that wasn't what she wanted, maybe she really wanted to be the stay at home mom ... which was the eventual plan. I knew I wasn't ready for kids until we did finally get married. But then my mom's cancer and other stresses just dragged us down so much. My wife lost her job 2 weeks before the wedding. I had job stress. My mother passed away. Her problems with my family. Then the failed attempts at conception and my depression and drinking. She probably blames me for waiting too long to try to have kids. Hey she was 35 and we thought still had 5 years to do it. All that while she kept being in and out of work and I was tired of it and just completely worn out from it all.

 

The thing is I supported her for years while she had trouble getting it together. Put up with a lot of crises. When the time came for her to stay strong for me when I was a mess she didn't have the patience to stick it out very long. Also the broken dream of children probably snapped it for her. Either way she ran away from the problems rather than stick it out.

 

She always talked about her days as a volunteer fire fighter (with some embellishment i bet). Either way I feel like she ran out of the burning building and left me inside to fend for myself, which I did.

 

Good thing for her I kept pushing her to better her career. At least now she can take care of herself as long as she doen't keep having steady job-itis. She still finds people to take care of her in one way or another.

 

 

 

The other night a guy was telling me about his first wife and told this story.

 

A child sees a gumball machine full of these super gumballs. He puts money in and gets a gumball that was really good. He tries again ... nothing..after a few more quarters he gets one more.. He runs to the other room and asks him mom for more money. Keeps trying until his money is all gone but no more gumballs. He taps the machine, shakes it, tips it all to no avail. He knows the gumballs are really good and there are a lot of them in there. He runs into the other room and asks his mom why he can't get more gumballs? She replies "You can't get to them because the machine is broken"

[sumdude]

Holy ironic twists guys... My X left me a voice message apologizing for being so cold and running off yesterday..

 

So I called her back right after writing my last post.

 

Now I know why she was so stressed ... turns out that on the same day we got divorced ... she was "laid off" from work! ... round n' round she goes....

 

I couldn't help myself, I started dancing while on the phone... call it the Mr. Reality dance.. I hate to revel in her misfortune but she's not my problem anymore!