OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[sumdude]

Hey all, just movin along. Working on myself. Still get the occasional pangs but that's life. Going to check out some martial arts this week, perhaps judo and such. Something to gain more confidence and also the mental aspect if the practice. Still wrestling with my little demons but have a grip on myself.

 

I'm throwing myself a Re-Bechelorization party on Saturday.. should be fun. I've heard of people throwing a divorce party but that to me isn't something to celebrate. However I'm going to embrace being single and make an event of it! I was joking in the e-vite that since the theme is an inversion of a bachelor party then shouldn't I be the one getting paid to entertain the ladies?!

[Melovator]

Glad to hear you're still keeping on keeping on. The mental training involved in martial arts is probably more important than the actual Kapow! Bang! stuff and probably waaaaay more useful to.

 

Know what you mean about the party- am planning an EX-orcism party, complete with exorcist (a friend in costume) and ritual burning of symbolic objects (a photo or 2), most of my friends have something they want to 'exorcise' from their lives and think the ideas a hoot! Its not about 'celebrating' my Clayton's Divorce, more an occassion to celebrate my growth.

 

If you want to get paid sumdude you'd better offer the ladies value for money and some good entertainment! :laugh:

[PWSX3]

Wow these parties sound like a hoot!!! And when do we get out invites???

 

Sumdude, as for the pangs I have a feeling you might get them off & on for a while. Today I was talking to a co-worker & she has been divorced for over 3 years & she still gets them, or should I say she still feels guilty about breaking up her family.

 

It's so good to read about how well you are doing, hopefully it will give others the inspiration they need to move forward.

[Art_Critic]

Good to hear from you Sumdude..

 

It sounds like you are on your way to a life of sobriety and good clean living without your ex..

 

Thanks for checking in.. Always nice to here from the True LS Survivors..

[dropdeadlegs]

Have fun at your party. I think it's a great idea.

 

Maybe the entertainment should start naked and put her clothes back on?

[sumdude]

Well, another piece of sad news came last night. My Aunt passed away yesterday morning. My fathers younger sister. I went and spent some time with him. He's handling it pretty well. A lot of loss the last couple of years, just seems to keep on coming. My Dad has lost so many people in the last two years, his wife, his best friend, his sister, a daughter in law (my X by divorce) other friends... We were going to celebrate his 80th next weekend with a nice party, now looks like we're going to a funeral instead. Poor guy....

 

I can't decide whether or not to tell my X. It's not like she was close at all to my Aunt .. plus... she left my family when she left me ... yet.... she was my wife after all. I guess she deserves a opportunity to at least send a card to my dad?

 

Guess I could use some advice on the etiquette of this situation.

[dropdeadlegs]

My opinion is that funerals and condolences are for the living, so if she was close at all to your Dad, I would let her know. I went to my ex father in laws funeral after being divorced for 10 years, but then again he was my children's grandfather.

 

If your Dad would be comforted by a card from your ex, tell her. If she'll flake out and not send one, I wouldn't bother contacting her.

 

I'm sorry about this recent loss, sumdude. I'm afraid we are getting to the age where funerals are as common as births. I used to attend a funeral every few years, now it's a few every year.

[Gunny376]

When my Dad passed, I told the children that she was invited ~ mind you? She and I haven't spoken more than probally 500 in seventeen years?

 

But? She is the Mother of the only Grandchildren he had.

 

Just do the right thing? You know what that is without asking us? It was wrtten upon your heart the day you were born!

[sumdude]

When my Dad passed, I told the children that she was invited ~ mind you? She and I haven't spoken more than probally 500 in seventeen years?

 

But? She is the Mother of the only Grandchildren he had.

 

Just do the right thing? You know what that is without asking us? It was wrtten upon your heart the day you were born!

 

Yeah, we may not have kids but I knew what to do. I have called her, she didn't answer so I left a message.

[ilmw]

SD... so sorry to hear about your Aunt.

[sumdude]

Thanks for the condolences all..

 

My x called me back to express hers ... man ... a month of NC had to be broken. I'm fine but hearing her voice and talking to her did affect me a bit with all the other emotions swirling around right now. The things you miss...

 

The timing of events this year, just about to launch again with my party 2-morrow and taking another couple hits.. Guess the man upstairs has some sort of plan for me with all this.

 

It's OK ... just feeling what's real and carryin' on.

[buckdawg]

Thanks for the condolences all..

 

My x called me back to express hers ... man ... a month of NC had to be broken. I'm fine but hearing her voice and talking to her did affect me a bit with all the other emotions swirling around right now. The things you miss...

 

The timing of events this year, just about to launch again with my party 2-morrow and taking another couple hits.. Guess the man upstairs has some sort of plan for me with all this.

 

It's OK ... just feeling what's real and carryin' on.

 

keep the faith, keep the faith

[sumdude]

Hey all, had a great time at my party. Had the basement set up to play music and the jams went on until 3AM! At least 10 different musicians took thier turns. I didn't even get maudlin at all until about 3 ... and even then wasn't too bad.

 

There is something I should mention that I guess I've kept back a bit... don't want to get into a whole off topic thing here. Not sure if I avoided it on purpose or not. Fact is I have 'stepped' off the wagon for a while now. However I'm in a totally different space and have not ended up where I was at all. The potential is always there but I just don't have the urges or need I used to have. I do think I was in some sort or self medication or avoidance mode back then. Trying to deny or block out things in my life. One of those being that the relationship with my x was just not working and I had a lot of buried resentments...

 

I may be playing with fire but only time will tell and I know myself a lot better now.

 

I haven't stepped back from my other changes and maintain my exercise schedule etc..

 

So just take that at face value folks and I don't feel like I want to be judged ... any warnings are duly noted and expected. Hell I'm the first one to say I don't want to ever end up back where I was before.

[Art_Critic]

Fact is I have 'stepped' off the wagon for a while now. However I'm in a totally different space and have not ended up where I was at all.

 

Art shakes his **head**.. but realizes that you have fallen back into the denial trap.

 

You have a disease that tells you it is okay to drink.. it tells you that you can handle it..

 

Fact is you can't.. at least not for long..

The problem Sumedude is that Alcoholism is a progressive disease.. it doesn't just go away and you cannot be cured of Alcoholism.

 

I would put it to you that at this point you need to start going back to meetings and get a sponsor.

 

You cannot quit... that should tell you you have a problem..

Denial has creped it's way bak into your heart..

 

Get back in the meetings Sumedude..

[Art_Critic]

I may be playing with fire but only time will tell and I know myself a lot better now.

 

there is no maybe.. you are putting your life at a severe risk..

 

playing with fire would be putting it mildly..

 

I guess it is a good thing that your ex is out of your life.. that way she doesn't get to see that SHE was right.. you are a drunk..Now go get some help.

[Art_Critic]

Hell I'm the first one to say I don't want to ever end up back where I was before.

 

If this statement was true then you would go to a meeting and quit drinking.

You are in denial again...

You yourself said you have "Fallen" of the wagon.. So you admit that you were on the wagon?

 

Progressive Disease......

This next go around is going to be worse and you will lose more....

 

**By the way.. thanks for posting your post Sumedude.. it goes to show that you care what we think and it also goes to show that you still are asking for help.. We can Help..**

[sumdude]

there is no maybe.. you are putting your life at a severe risk..

 

playing with fire would be putting it mildly..

 

I guess it is a good thing that your ex is out of your life.. that way she doesn't get to see that SHE was right.. you are a drunk..Now go get some help.

 

*sigh* This is why I avoided the subject.. opened pandoras box...

 

on the one hand AC I appreciate your concern ... however can YOU admit that you don't know me at all ... what I'm doing, how I'm living my life, what I am or am not capable of ... maybe there's some denial for you OK? That maybe I am exactly the way I say I am? And you have no clue who I am..

 

And FWIW that's was one sh**ty thing to say to me right now about my ex. regardless of your concern.

 

Please do not read anyone else's experiences and realities into mine. We're all different.

 

I wasn't asking for help ... just letting folks know what's up.

 

I'm doing just fine ... really ...even though you will never believe me....

[sumdude]

If this statement was true then you would go to a meeting and quit drinking.

You are in denial again...

You yourself said you have "Fallen" of the wagon.. So you admit that you were on the wagon?

 

Progressive Disease......

This next go around is going to be worse and you will lose more....

 

**By the way.. thanks for posting your post Sumedude.. it goes to show that you care what we think and it also goes to show that you still are asking for help.. We can Help..**

 

Man, one turn of a phrase and a thousand assumptions are made..

[Art_Critic]

And FWIW that's was one sh**ty thing to say to me right now about my ex. regardless of your concern.

 

You know what... you need to hear the harsh truth.. you are now back to drinking..

Your ex left you because of your drinking.. you needed to hear that she was right, that you can't stop.

 

I feel that I can no longer do any good since you are now taking my advice with the attitude that I don't know you..

 

I hope you come back to the sober side Sumdude..you were really going strong..

I'll stop posting on your thread and you can always pm me if you need me..

 

Take care...

[sumdude]

You know what... you need to hear the harsh truth.. you are now back to drinking..

Your ex left you because of your drinking.. you needed to hear that she was right, that you can't stop.

 

I feel that I can no longer do any good since you are now taking my advice with the attitude that I don't know you..

 

I hope you come back to the sober side Sumdude..you were really going strong..

I'll stop posting on your thread and you can always pm me if you need me..

 

Take care...

 

It was a reason she gave me A.C. wheras I now realize it was only a part of it all. I think she has always has the same response to every long term relationship she's ever been in. I just happened to be the first man she managed to marry rather than just cohabitate with. I'm not the first man she just up and moved out on.

 

I have heard so many things come to light from people around me in the last months now that they are opening up to me.

 

I spent 8 years trying to read between the lines of the things she would tell me, years of trying to deal with the drama and exaggerations. Looking around and seeing important people in my life distance themselves from me because she could be difficult. I stuck with her because I loved her faults and all, willing to lose some freindships. But over time ... it built up hard core stress in me. When my mom started to succumb to the cancer then when she passed ... when the really hard stuff happened. My x had to make it about herself at some point. I don't think she realizes what she's doing most of the time, a compulsion of sorts. I kept hoping for the best, maybe denying what she was doing .. Part of me still loves her though, and that's OK. But I know how much I resented not always being able to trust the things she told me.

 

I am not drinking the way I was, in no way, shape or form. I'm finding balance in my life and it has been three months now. There are a lot of folks who go through a tough period ... make some bad decisions, get stuck in a bad cycle ... break out of it.

 

Should I find myself falling off the edge again... I know where to go. But I don't see or feel that happening right now. I was in a deep deep depression and in fact to quote my ex literally "The drinking is a symptom.." That is actually something she said in our one counciling session....

 

But I consider myself forewarned...

[sumdude]

If I come off a bit defensive or harsh you have to understand .... I'm really starting to feel pretty good about myself and life for the first time in a long time ... and that I will defend.

 

I don't blame my ex for what happened to me because I allowed it to happen... I also don't blame her for feeling how she feels. I do think she jumped ship for a lot more reasons than the one obvious one. I could understand if I had been abusive, demeaning, irresponsible, obnoxious etc. while I was in my bad drinking phase. I was none of those things, I kept taking care of business in life. My drinking was a problem for a while but also fuel for her drama. I kept trying to show her my love in the ways I knew how. Nothing seemed to work. She just couldn't be happy and hence neither was I.

 

In the end I think she just wanted something else... whatever that is.

[Mike1966]

I spent 8 years trying to read between the lines of the things she would tell me, years of trying to deal with the drama and exaggerations. Looking around and seeing important people in my life distance themselves from me because she could be difficult. I stuck with her because I loved her faults and all, willing to lose some freindships. But over time ... it built up hard core stress in me. When my mom started to succumb to the cancer then when she passed ... when the really hard stuff happened. My x had to make it about herself at some point. I don't think she realizes what she's doing most of the time, a compulsion of sorts. ...

 

 

 

Wow....

 

sumdude. I haven't followed your thread much, I have one of my own under "Second Chances". My wife of 15 years left me about 5 months ago and our divorce is final in 2 weeks.

 

The quote I cut out from you above could be a carbon copy about my STBX. I've just never been able to verbalize it the way you have. Exaggerations, center of attention, superficial around others, not very happy and I tried EVERYTHING to make her that way for 15 yrs.

 

I hope you get peace through your situation. I was the only one committed to my marriage, kept believing all the crap she said about me and why she left but the large majority I've come to realize has merely been used as justification for leaving. In my situation, the STBX lacks of being content, always looking for someone or something to make her happy and that just doesnt' happen..............got to be happy on your own.

 

Best of luck to you.

[sumdude]

Wow....

 

sumdude. I haven't followed your thread much, I have one of my own under "Second Chances". My wife of 15 years left me about 5 months ago and our divorce is final in 2 weeks.

 

The quote I cut out from you above could be a carbon copy about my STBX. I've just never been able to verbalize it the way you have. Exaggerations, center of attention, superficial around others, not very happy and I tried EVERYTHING to make her that way for 15 yrs.

 

I hope you get peace through your situation. I was the only one committed to my marriage, kept believing all the crap she said about me and why she left but the large majority I've come to realize has merely been used as justification for leaving. In my situation, the STBX lacks of being content, always looking for someone or something to make her happy and that just doesnt' happen..............got to be happy on your own.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

 

Same to you ... My ex was just the type to always find fault. She could have the most beautiful and bountiful garden of flowers. But if there were a few weeds that's all she could focus on...

 

Always needing an enemy ... every job of the 12 she had in 8 years within a couple months there would be 'someone' she had to have a problem with. Every day she would come home from work and just go on and on about it...

 

I coped in a very bad way with things the last couple of years. There ain't no answers or peace in them bottles. Had to learn that the hard way but learn I did.

 

I take full responsibility for my end of the relationship ... but looking back and having a lot of conversations with people who saw it from the outside things become clearer.

[Kasan]

I have followed your thread for a very long time. I admire/admired your honesty and your ability to accept responsibility for what you contributed to the break-up of your marriage.

 

I truly wanted you to have a different ending to your story because I feel you are truly one of the good guys.

 

I wonder why you decided to post that you were "social" drinking again on your thread when you knew the people who stood behind on this forum would be concerned.

 

You had to know that they would question your decision knowing your prior history and how it contributed to the demise of your marriage.

 

You have had some great losses in the last few years....it is my hope for you that you can find the strength to continue the personal growth that you have worked so hard for.

 

Be well.

[Mike1966]

I take full responsibility for my end of the relationship ... but looking back and having a lot of conversations with people who saw it from the outside things become clearer.

 

Same here, sumdude! You're last sentence here..............about people/friends on the outside helped me in my situation, too. I realized that when my STBX cut off ties with ALL our friends from the past that it was weird. Now that it's over for us, many of our friends come to me and say "how the heck did you put up with her for that long"..............they all saw what I was blinded to for so many years.

 

I'm like you..............I know I had faults in my wife and I's relationship...........but I'm nowhere the heel she had me believing I was for so long.

 

Healing is a process, my friend, take it slow and try to be objective about the past..................sort of an "outside looking in" type of thing like it was someone else. The worst thing that can happen to either of us is to endure all of this heartache and pain then not come out better for it in the end.

 

Best wishes to you in the future!