OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[sumdude]

I have followed your thread for a very long time. I admire/admired your honesty and your ability to accept responsibility for what you contributed to the break-up of your marriage.

 

I truly wanted you to have a different ending to your story because I feel you are truly one of the good guys.

 

I wonder why you decided to post that you were "social" drinking again on your thread when you knew the people who stood behind on this forum would be concerned.

 

You had to know that they would question your decision knowing your prior history and how it contributed to the demise of your marriage.

 

You have had some great losses in the last few years....it is my hope for you that you can find the strength to continue the personal growth that you have worked so hard for.

 

Be well.

 

Thanks, I feel the need to be honest and open on this forum, otherwise what's the point? I knew full well that there are folks who would be either disappointed, taken aback or otherwise frowning upon my choices. Time will tell... I have to live life by my rules.

 

The world is full of people who have fallen into bad cycle in their lives .. I know of plenty who after a divorce, death in the family or other major stressors fall into the trap. They climb out and are able to resume a balanced lifestyle. I've seen many marriages survive these episodes because of the strength and conviction of both parties.

 

Thing is that once you're labeled it's hard to escape it. One person goes through it , tells you they became good frewinds with Jim Beam for a while and it's a stage. Another ends up labelled that way yet climb out of it. And there are those who simply cannot control it. Who knows why but that's just the way it is. I don't judge anyone or think in black and white terms about it. I'm just not quite the same person I was a year ago. The amount of stress I was under essentailly put me in a nervous breakdown. Add some family background, a few exisitng bad habits.. My coping sucked... FWIW so did my ex's...

 

I bailed by drinking too much, numbing myself, checking out and hoping to ride it out.

 

She bailed by ... well, bailing out of the whole situation..

 

As for me now? I'm feeling pretty good about things. Loss is part of life, it's how you handle it and rebound that matters. I am at peace with a lot of things and still pushing myself to learn and grow, Like Gunny says, adapt and improvise.. I'm not angry at her anymore and I hope she's not po'd at me either. Sh** happened...

[Kasan]

Thing is that once you're labeled it's hard to escape it. I'm just not quite the same person I was a year ago. The amount of stress I was under essentailly put me in a nervous breakdown. Add some family background, a few exisitng bad habits.. My coping sucked... FWIW so did my ex's...

 

I don't understand what you mean by the "once you're labeled" sentence....what do you mean? How are you labeled?

[sumdude]

I don't understand what you mean by the "once you're labeled" sentence....what do you mean? How are you labeled?

 

Well the 'alcoholic' label or 'a drunk' label. Once someone says "Oh yeah him, he's an alcoholic." A thousand assumptions and pictures flash through your mind. Just human nature.

 

I did get myself to the point where I was stuck in the loop of physical addiction. So in that context I was an alcoholic.. walked like a duck etc. I don't believe in absolutes and do not belive for me it is permanent state. That's just me.. I could go on but I don't want to get into another diatribe or argument with anyone about it all.. If you truly change the way you think and act you can overcome. I changed the way I eat, I changed the way I live.Now I drink to enjoy and enhance ... the way most do. I also keep a keen eye on myself and have more challenges ahead. If I fall I pick myself up again..

[Kasan]

Well the 'alcoholic' label or 'a drunk' label. Once someone says "Oh yeah him, he's an alcoholic." A thousand assumptions and pictures flash through your mind. Just human nature.

 

I did get myself to the point where I was stuck in the loop of physical addiction. So in that context I was an alcoholic.. walked like a duck etc. I don't believe in absolutes and do not belive for me it is permanent state. That's just me.. I could go on but I don't want to get into another diatribe or argument with anyone about it all.. If you truly change the way you think and act you can overcome. I changed the way I eat, I changed the way I live.Now I drink to enjoy and enhance ... the way most do. I also keep a keen eye on myself and have more challenges ahead. If I fall I pick myself up again..

 

Yes those labels or I call them prejudices are hard if not impossible to live down.

 

I don't know you--but I am sure that the people who know you here will be concerned because they care so much about you. We all self-medicate at times, myself included, but I count on my friends to help me know when a line is being crossed. Sorta of a good smack upside the head. I am sure you will know when that line is, if ever, crossed again.

 

You have gone through so much and you deserve your happy ending.

[sumdude]

 

You have gone through so much and you deserve your happy ending.

 

Thanks again ... it's all up to me to make it happy...

[sumdude]

Well I went up to NJ for my Aunt's funeral. Was a hard time... driving up I couln't help but feel the emptiness of the seat beside me. The feeling that I expected the X by my side was hard to avoid. I haven't seen a lot of the family since my wedding so that was uncomfortable. There was a collage of pictures of my Aunt through her life including some from the wedding... kind of a double whammy.

 

I also learned something else that affected me. My aunt's husband has been in the hospital for about year now slowing fading and quite fragile. My Aunt had been taking care of him and visiting every day. Over the last months she had become quite depressed and started drinking heaviily. This very much contributed to her passing. So again I see another lesson for me...

 

I can really understand why Gunny is a proponent of waiting at least a year after complete separation or divorce finalization before considering a new relationship. You have to experience the yearly cycle of anniversaries, holidays etc. alone and get through that and out of your system. You'll be cruising along just fine and some event will come up and suddenly you're on the coaster again for a minute... Find yourself arguing with the x in your own head again... Funny how it came back.. But It'll go soon enough.

 

I'm OK, it's just been a hard year and a bit down today. I have optimism for the future and am dealing with now at the moment.

[Gunny376]

I can really understand why Gunny is a proponent of waiting at least a year after complete separation or divorce finalization before considering a new relationship. You have to experience the yearly cycle of anniversaries, holidays etc. alone and get through that and out of your system. You'll be cruising along just fine and some event will come up and suddenly you're on the coaster again for a minute... Find yourself arguing with the x in your own head again... Funny how it came back.. But It'll go soon enough.

 

I'm OK, it's just been a hard year and a bit down today. I have optimism for the future and am dealing with now at the moment.

 

Excatally that! Along with your still emotionally vulnerable and still raw.

 

Also read El Producto's latest post ~ you get tangled up with somone becuase your self confidence~esteem is on the down low, and then you get to feeling better about yourself ~ and what you end up with is in a relationshhip or find yourself with more relationship than you want or can tote the note on?

 

As far as the drinking?

 

It prevents nothing!

 

It changes nothing!

 

It un-does nothing!

 

It only masks the pain and without the pain? There really can't be much growth!

 

Pain is the "ultimate" teacher ~ I can promise you that!

 

Anymore these days? I'm a big proponent of keeping things simple ~ un-complicated. I'm to the point to where if I'm single and alone for the rest of my life ~ I'm alright with that.

 

I'm not looking for a GF, a wife, the love of my life. I'm not looking for marriage. And, I've have women that have shown interst in me ~ but I've passed because they didn't pass the test. And the test is simple! You've got to be more of an asset to me, than a liability.

 

She doesn't have to be rich, famous, a "Barbie" ~ just have her act together, a good head on her shoulders, a good outlook on life, a minimum of amount of issues in her life, no "Hell-uns" for children or grandchildren, a steady job, height-weight proportionate and financially stable with a "knowledge" of how to manage money and debt.

 

What you've got to do Sumdude is define what you're looking for and what you're not looking for in a woman and a relationship. Start out as friends, lay a foundation, and build from there ~ when your ready for a woman in your life.

 

The "storms of life" are going to roll over you, and they're going to come ~ sure as Hell! What you need to do? Is to put back a little for a rainy day ~ and its going to rain.

 

And I don't just mean ~ money ~ I mean emotionally as well. Something you can draw upon when times get hard ~ times get tough!

 

And you gotta laugh! You've got to smile! I've got a friend of mine that just found out he's got a brain tumor. I keep him smiling and in stiches all the time!

 

When he's around me? I won't let him feel sorry for himself!

 

That's what you've got to do when your in a trough ~ you gotta laugh! When things get hard? You gotta laugh! When things get tough? You gotta laugh!

 

Why? Because sometimes? "Life's" just to freaking ridiculious to live!

[sumdude]

So I got a call from my sis in law.....

 

My uncle just passed away three days after we buried my Aunt. In a way it's OK and almost fitting, he's with his wife now and not living in a hospital bed anymore.

 

I feel for my cousin, she's an only child so this has to be a lot to bear for her. Man ... a whole lot of grief this year and everyone is at that age so i don't expect it will change..Back to Jersey for another funeral.

 

All a part of life and another reminder that life is short.

 

People, do me a favor ... if there's someone in the world you love... let them know today OK?

[whichwayisup]

People, do me a favor ... if there's someone in the world you love... let them know today OK?

 

Done, done and done as I went to a funeral today as well. I always feel the need to reach out to those important to me after a loss.

 

I am sorry for your losses. Stay intouch with your cousin..

[Gunny376]

Get busy livinig!

 

or get busy dying!

 

Just that plain!

 

Just that simple!

[dropdeadlegs]

Get busy livinig!

 

or get busy dying!

 

Just that plain!

 

Just that simple!

Wow, it IS that simple.

 

My new rule for life.....

[Gunny376]

Those words are from the movie, "Shawshank Redemition" but they are so true!

 

Me?

 

I don't rent DVD's nor buy them! Once I've seen a movie? I'm good for life! That's one movie I bought and never tire of watching!?

 

Another really good quote from the movie?

 

"Its time to catch the bus to Mexico!"

 

I've seen, and been through a lot of things in my life!

 

I finally caught myself a bus to Mexico ~ and now I'm just chilling in Margarettiville!

 

Its all good! All day good!

 

Now? If I can just find my shaker of sea salt and other flip-flop?

[Melovator]

Sumdude, I'm sorry for your losses and send you all the love and support I can over the internet. I don't know if this will help you but it helped me when my grandmother and my great-aunt passed away within 2 weeks of each other "As long as you love someone, they live in your heart and are never really gone from your life, even if they've moved on to the next one." Take care of yourself.

 

Gunny: Flip-flops always seems like a silly word to me- but we call them thongs down here- and what you call a thong we call a g-string. Wouldn't like to get them confused- having a shoe up your crack would be a bit uncomfortable!

[sumdude]

Damn .... this week has been a bi**h!

 

I've been strapped back into that damn roller coaster again!? Up down round n' round ... sad ... PO'd ... dammit!! Can't sleep ...

 

Where the hell is this coming from ?!

[Gunny376]

Go ye azz to the vitamins and natural herbal part of WalMart!

 

Get yourself some "Metatonin"

 

5 mg!

 

You won't have any problem's sleeping twenty minutes later!

 

 

Its safe ~ over the counter ~ non-addictive!

[Gunny376]

Wow, it IS that simple.

 

My new rule for life.....

 

Truly! Its just that simple!

 

Get busy living ~ or get BUSY ~ DYING!

 

Just that plain! Just that simple!

[Melovator]

Damn .... this week has been a bi**h!

 

I've been strapped back into that damn roller coaster again!? Up down round n' round ... sad ... PO'd ... dammit!! Can't sleep ...

 

Where the hell is this coming from ?!

 

sumdude... you've been through a whole lot recently, so there's all these emotions that are normal as part of a grieving process. Anger, sadness, each creating its own kind of competing confusion- feel them don't feed them- like animals at a petting zoo... (lame joke).

 

Knowing that your emotions are normal is part of the getting busy living philosophy IMO. They are emotions you feel them for a reason, but life doesn't stop because of them. You get on doing the best you can..

 

But getting sleep is important- otherwise you wig out because the physical tiredness makes the emotional too hard to deal with- it sounds really dumb but I find going to sleep with a relaxation meditation thingy on my iP-layer of music that I presume I cannot name-od sends me off and I've had bouts of insomnia for years.

 

Take care.

[sumdude]

sumdude... you've been through a whole lot recently, so there's all these emotions that are normal as part of a grieving process. Anger, sadness, each creating its own kind of competing confusion- feel them don't feed them- like animals at a petting zoo... (lame joke).

 

Knowing that your emotions are normal is part of the getting busy living philosophy IMO. They are emotions you feel them for a reason, but life doesn't stop because of them. You get on doing the best you can..

 

But getting sleep is important- otherwise you wig out because the physical tiredness makes the emotional too hard to deal with- it sounds really dumb but I find going to sleep with a relaxation meditation thingy on my iP-layer of music that I presume I cannot name-od sends me off and I've had bouts of insomnia for years.

 

Take care.

 

Yeah .. a lot happeneing this year in general. Contacting the ex about my relatives passing didn't help. Plus ... must admit a certain level of uh... sexual frustration at the moment... LOL .. been a dry year

[Melovator]

Yeah .. a lot happeneing this year in general. Contacting the ex about my relatives passing didn't help. Plus ... must admit a certain level of uh... sexual frustration at the moment... LOL .. been a dry year

 

That's what hands are made for and porn was invented for! Is it sexual frustration or emotional frustration? When its the former - masturbate! When its the latter - get a massage! Touch is a very important emotional need for humans- a good massage isn't quite the same as some rumpy-pumpy but it fulfils the emotional need (this is my theory anyway...).

[dropdeadlegs]

Go ye azz to the vitamins and natural herbal part of WalMart!

 

Get yourself some "Metatonin"

 

5 mg!

 

You won't have any problem's sleeping twenty minutes later!

 

 

Its safe ~ over the counter ~ non-addictive!

Melatonin does work. In a pinch I have used Benadryl as a sleep aid, but it takes three pills and i sometimes have experienced a sleep "hangover."

 

That's what hands are made for and porn was invented for! Is it sexual frustration or emotional frustration? When its the former - masturbate! When its the latter - get a massage! Touch is a very important emotional need for humans- a good massage isn't quite the same as some rumpy-pumpy but it fulfils the emotional need (this is my theory anyway...).

Good advice. Touch IS important.

[sumdude]

LOL ladies ... too funny .. such advice ! he he

 

Not going there .. wayy TMI but ya made me laugh. I have actually had a couple massage appointments, mainly for the relaxation. Gets a bit expensive though.

 

My roommate who's been the one that has seen and heard pretty much everything made a couple comments to me yesterday. He thinks I'm doing pretty well overall but that I seem impatient and like I just want my life back..

Pretty much spot on.

 

Have the day off today and realized I haven't had any real down time for a month... social events, two funerals, the gym, kung fu classes, work, a few hours here and there. Starting to sign up with online dating sites to test the waters. Just runnin and runnin...

 

Yeah I'm impatient, a fine line between getting busy living and wanting too much too fast. Plus I keep feeling like things with the ex are somehow still unreresolved. Crazy isn't it? Papers signed, divorce final and I still feel that way... Just waiting for my inside life to catch up with my outside life I guess..

[Gunny376]

"Wanting my life back!"

 

So? You've arrived at that point have you! ~ LOL!

 

Its part of the "phase's" of divorce!

 

Now is the time to discover yourself ~ what to put in? What to take out? What to put in? What to leave out!

 

The last thing you need during this phase is a GF ~ so take a "fool's" advice! Stay out of relationships!

 

This is the time to explore ~yourself!

 

To test your own personal "bounderies"

[Gunny376]

Wow, it IS that simple.

 

My new rule for life.....

 

This weekend? I'm more than likely going to lose one of my, if not my dearist friends?!

 

Get your happy AZZ living! Life's too short!

[bestadvisor]

Plus I keep feeling like things with the ex are somehow still unreresolved. Crazy isn't it? Papers signed, divorce final and I still feel that way... Just waiting for my inside life to catch up with my outside life I guess..

 

Do you know if she is seeing anyone? Maybe if you find out, it can help you move on faster.

[dropdeadlegs]

sumdude,

Although I had a FWB relationship, it took a good 18 months after my separation (10 months after divorce) for me to consider a new "real" relationship. I think it would have been longer had I not come across an exceptional man that I couldn't deny. It's okay to take your time and mourn your loss, and not settle for anything but what's right. I didn't date much because I wasn't ready, but I totally understand wanting your life back. It feels good to be connected with someone.