OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[whichwayisup]

guessjeans, did you read his whole thread? He doesn't want his wife back...Their marriage over and has been for quite a while..

[Art_Critic]

guessjeans, did you read his whole thread? He doesn't want his wife back...Their marriage over and has been for quite a while..

 

While true WWIU sumdude has seen her for what she is and doesn't want her back Guessjeans post is still pretty insightful to his Drinking Problem.. albeit late.. better late than never..

Edited February 15, 2008 by Art_Critic

[guessjeans]

I'm sorry..but I must be missing something!

 

I see a man with a drinking problem, that resents his wife for leaving him because he has a problem that he hasnt fixed yet. I see a man that loves his wife very much, and if you read between the lines, he misses her very much too.

 

I see a man that resents his wife for getting up and leaving him without notice. She just got up one morning, said good morning, packed her things and left!

 

No, I dont see a man that doesnt want his wife back. But a man that is in denial about who"s problem this is.

 

Im sure, that once you are clean, and have time to reflect on the hurt you have imposed on those that loved you the most, you will want to try to get her back at some point. Im sorry, but I dont see a man that is not still in love with his wife, but the contrary.

[sumdude]

It sounds to me that you need to slow down a bit if you can, or you will end up having heart problems like your dad.

 

I am sorry about your dad, but I expect your decision to move in with him will be easier to make now. And for the record....I think there's something very endearing about the fact you would consider moving in with him--you'll never regret it if you do.

 

Take care, and it's good to hear that you are doing better.

 

 

That time will come to slow down. Right now is one of the periods in life when I have to carry a load.

 

thanks

[sumdude]

I'm sorry..but I must be missing something!

 

You might be missing everything that happened since my original post a year ago.

 

I see a man with a drinking problem, that resents his wife for leaving him because he has a problem that he hasnt fixed yet. I see a man that loves his wife very much, and if you read between the lines, he misses her very much too.

 

I still sometimes miss who she used to be... and what we used to have. Who she is today... is a mystery to me.

 

I see a man that resents his wife for getting up and leaving him without notice. She just got up one morning, said good morning, packed her things and left!

 

To a point... yes. I deserved a lot better than that... I later learned she never intended to work things out. But I don't hate her.

 

No, I dont see a man that doesnt want his wife back. But a man that is in denial about who"s problem this is.

 

Like most marriages... the 'problems' took two to create... My drinking was only one part of it all and the easist to point at.

 

Im sure, that once you are clean, and have time to reflect on the hurt you have imposed on those that loved you the most, you will want to try to get her back at some point. Im sorry, but I dont see a man that is not still in love with his wife, but the contrary.

 

The hurt went both ways.... I gave all I could and it was never enough. I'm sure she felt the same way. I've spent the last year sorting it all out..

 

and whatever I post I realize again I will always be labeled... and anything others have experienced regarding someone who drank too much will be placed upon me. I am me... not anyone else's father, husband etc etc....

 

I never needed to be watched, i didn't lash out in anger, didn't destroy property, the only person I mistreated was myself.....

 

Did my drinking at the time hurt my ex wife? yes ... but it's far, far more complicated than that

 

FWIW guess.... to a person, all of my freinds and family saw I was drinking too much during that time. To a person not a single one blames me for what happened with my marriage. In fact they're amazed I put up with as much as I did for as long as I did. Still loved her though.

 

... anyhow I'm done defending myself... don't know why I bothered but there you go...

Edited February 16, 2008 by sumdude

[Gunny376]

I've got to be carefull what I post or I'll have Tony (Civialty and Respect ~ Got a clear pretty picture in my head ~ NOW) reading me the "Riot Act" to me! ~ but IMHO?

 

Your on the "right" track now!

[sumdude]

I've got to be carefull what I post or I'll have Tony (Civialty and Respect ~ Got a clear pretty picture in my head ~ NOW) reading me the "Riot Act" to me! ~ but IMHO?

 

Your on the "right" track now!

 

Heck gunny... I like to hear your edge myself... sometimes need the occasionaly kick in the rear... maybe you can PM me what you really think?

[Mz. Pixie]

Sumdude-

 

I personally think you've done alot of growth. I'm proud that you're sober and working on yourself. I think you've done a great job. I'm sure that your ex contributed to the problems in your marriage but maybe you're minimizing the effects of alcoholism in a marriage in the prior post??

 

I've lived with alcoholics and with drug addicts in my family and it's a serious serious thing to deal with. Not saying you're my father, my brother or anything like that, not projecting my situation on you, I'm just giving you my opinion.

 

Alcoholism or drug abuse would both be deal breakers in my marriage. Period. When I was a child I didn't have a choice but I do now and I truly do not believe I could deal with that on any level.

 

I respect the work you've done and the fact that you're recovering, truly I do. I think that she will be missing out on the new and improved you and all of that good stuff. It's just not something I could stay through.

[sumdude]

Hi All,

Just sending out an update. My life certainly hasn't calmed down a bit yet. In the last 6 weeks my Dad has been in the hospital 3 times, twice taken by ambulance. Almost lost him twice and in 2 months he's gone from someone who was independent and moving around to barely walking and in a wheelchair. He now needs constant supervision. He's day to day. For a while before all this happened I was considering moving in with him but now that he is in this state I decided it would be the wrong choice for both of us. I can be there for him since he's 5 minutes away but living there I would become his caretaker and that is not really feasible. My sister and I have had to work together with all this and have an uneasy truce.. so far so good. We have hired someone as a live in aide for him.. we'll see how long we can afford that.

 

I did manage to throw a big party for my 40th.. also snuck in a ski weekend. First time in 10 years and I made it the whole day without falling. That was cool. Went with a freind, his gf and 2 of her freinds. Funny thing. As I was prepping the hot tub for me n' the girls my cell rang. It was the X! NC for three months and she somehow chooses that second to call. I didn't answer but i swear she has some strange ESP. Almost as if... "What, you're going to have fun? Ohh noo you won't." She left some message about a news story regarding the place I found her puppy and it mioght be puppy mill.. oh the drama .. Well, that little call did manage to dampen my mood a little bit.. but I had fun anyway. NC is really the only way to heal faster when it's possible. I don't want to go there right now or maybe ever.

 

I took this week off to go on a ski trip with my bro and his fam... Dad went back in the hospital last weekend so that plan went out the window.. oh well..

Also had to find a roommate to move in since I can't afford the house on my own so my plate is full making room in the house for him.

 

Sometimes It's been hard as heck to see the silver lining lately. Seems that every time I start getting some altitude another crisis or grief comes along. Life's not bad but I've been living from crisis to crisis for over 2 years now. FWIW... i do think that my ex and her crisis making would have made all this harder tio handle so I now can see why maybe it's for the best that we're apart. One day I know things will turn around. They say God only gives you what you can handle so he's been loading up my wagon.

 

Not seeing anyone right now. Not into it with all I'm dealing with though I do see some potentials for the future.

 

Sumdude-

 

I personally think you've done alot of growth. I'm proud that you're sober and working on yourself. I think you've done a great job. I'm sure that your ex contributed to the problems in your marriage but maybe you're minimizing the effects of alcoholism in a marriage in the prior post??

 

I get it Mz P... I was deeply depressed and lost in a bad addictive cycle for quite a while there. Though I remained responsible and treated her well I'm sure i was not much fun to be around, not terribly attractive and from her point of view she couldn't see it changing. She was withholding intimacy and affection out of either fear or resentment which fed my depression and kept feeding the bad cycle between us. As much as I can understand that, what gets me is the way it all went down, the deceit, cover ups, and lies. The fact that she just ran away from home like a child rather than face me and be up front about it. The way she treated me and the awful things she siad to me. Seems that she found something she needed somewhere else and just didn't want to be convinced otherwise.. so be it.

 

FWIW I think I wrote a while back that I am occasionally drinking again. Playing with fire perhaps. With all that has been going on I haven't fallen into the pit.. though I can see that path and where it leads because I cannot deny that I have the potential to slip into that again. So I keep a very wary eye on myself. I may yet make the decision to leave it behind permanently if i need to.

Edited March 25, 2008 by sumdude

[sandflea]

You sound much healthier, sumdude. Keep up the good work! One foot in front of the other... And hold your head high.

 

Thanks for the update.

 

SF

[PWSX3]

Sumdude, it is good to hear from you again.

 

Sorry that things are still so bumpy for you, but you will handle it...

[Gunny376]

I know this place?

 

The back forty!

 

Just me and an old faithful dog!

 

A fifty-five barrel drumn fire?

 

Some good whiskey?

 

Some good Rock N Roll music!

 

My quilt my Grandmother quilted for me when I was a child wrapped around me to keep me from the Cold?

 

I know of this place!

[Melovator]

Sumdude,

sorry things aren't smooth for you at the moment though it does sound like you're driving okay considering the load you're carrying.

 

I'm sorry but I had to laugh about the phone call from your ex- what did she want you to do about it? Cry? Gnash your teeth? Get the dog therapy???

 

Take care!

[sumdude]

Hey all, an update. Closing in on a year since the D was done. We did have another scare with dad a couple months back. I went to Fla for a little vacation at my buddies and halfway through got the call dad was in the hospital. Was close for a while there. Since then he's been stable. The lady we have living with him and taking care of him has to leave in a couple weeks and we're scrambling to find a replacement. He simply won't move out of his house which I can understand. But it puts a lot of pressure on me and my sister.

 

Overall I'm doing fine.

 

Just working, playing some music gigs here and there. Trying to get out and have some fun when I get a chance. Living the single man's life again.. strange sometimes. Here I am at 40 , tried living like I'm 25.. that didn't seem to work anymore. Having a roommate again and all that incudes. Gone out to party here and there. Had to slow that down, I'll have a few drinks and I'm OK. A couple times a few too many but put the brakes on that.

 

No word from the ex since April... that's been helpful.

 

At one point a couple weeks back I was taken by surprise .. saw a picture of my Mom and lost it for a while.. I think maybe I never quite finished greiving for her with all the other things that happened since her death a year before the ex split.

 

Occasionally I find myself feeling a bit disconnected.. if that's the right word. In a sort of limbo. Once in a while I'll wake up and feel kind of anxious. Not having that person in my life that I'm connected to. That I'm intimate with, emotionally, physically and all the other ways. Or even someone to spend the time with and do things with. It's strange just living for myself...where do I go from here? yeesh must be a mid life crisis in the middle of this or something..

 

Is this pretty common after a divorce?

 

No dating though I've been hanging out with freinds, both men and women. I've never been one for the casual thing and at this stage in my life it's not that appealing really, at least at the moment. So I'm not really looking but keeping my eyes open for that pearl amidst the pebbles should she appear.

[sumdude]

Sumdude,

sorry things aren't smooth for you at the moment though it does sound like you're driving okay considering the load you're carrying.

 

I'm sorry but I had to laugh about the phone call from your ex- what did she want you to do about it? Cry? Gnash your teeth? Get the dog therapy???

 

Take care!

 

You know.. looking back at that call and the last one. I think she was just missing me .. but I can't gp back and keeping NC is the way for me.

[Melovator]

Hey all, an update. Closing in on a year since the D was done. We did have another scare with dad a couple months back. I went to Fla for a little vacation at my buddies and halfway through got the call dad was in the hospital. Was close for a while there. Since then he's been stable. The lady we have living with him and taking care of him has to leave in a couple weeks and we're scrambling to find a replacement. He simply won't move out of his house which I can understand. But it puts a lot of pressure on me and my sister.

 

Overall I'm doing fine.

 

That you can write that with all the stuff that's been happening is a credit to you SD, lots of people would just collapse into a big pile of 'boohoo poor me', pass the bottle, which you're not and you should be proud of yourself for that.:bunny:

 

Just working, playing some music gigs here and there. Trying to get out and have some fun when I get a chance. Living the single man's life again.. strange sometimes. Here I am at 40 , tried living like I'm 25.. that didn't seem to work anymore. Having a roommate again and all that incudes. Gone out to party here and there. Had to slow that down, I'll have a few drinks and I'm OK. A couple times a few too many but put the brakes on that.

I had a big one with some friends a couple of months ago- we all paid for it for the next week and were often heard lamenting "We're really not 22 anymore, we can't go see a band in the middle of the week and then go to work anymore!" Dammit just when you know how to have a really good time natures says "no more!"

 

 

No word from the ex since April... that's been helpful.

 

Very helpful I'd imagine.

At one point a couple weeks back I was taken by surprise .. saw a picture of my Mom and lost it for a while.. I think maybe I never quite finished greiving for her with all the other things that happened since her death a year before the ex split.

 

Have you talked with anyone about it?

Occasionally I find myself feeling a bit disconnected.. if that's the right word. In a sort of limbo. Once in a while I'll wake up and feel kind of anxious. Not having that person in my life that I'm connected to. That I'm intimate with, emotionally, physically and all the other ways. Or even someone to spend the time with and do things with. It's strange just living for myself...where do I go from here? yeesh must be a mid life crisis in the middle of this or something..

 

Is this pretty common after a divorce?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately... because people keep saying to me "you'll meet someone." and yet I'm not even thinking or expressing that I'm NOT going to meet someone (in fact my thinking is the universe will send him along as soon as I'm ready for it- which I know I'm not right now- and besides I'm having too much fun!). Its like if you're not in a relationship you can't really be 'happy'? Which is bullsh*t. Its just a cultural expectation that we're all meant to be happily paired off.

 

Where do you want to go from here? I did a lot of thinking about the person I want to be first... then I kind of looked at the other things in my life (work, money, fun etc etc) and thought about what I really wanted there. And now I'm doing things that get me towards what I want/ where I want to be... I don't want to get in some crap relationship because I feel a need to be in a relationship... a relationship would be nice... eventually.... but if it never happens I still want to be happy, and I am (aside from ocassional moments)...

 

Is it a mid-life crisis or just a natural period of self examination following a series of big life events?

 

No dating though I've been hanging out with freinds, both men and women. I've never been one for the casual thing and at this stage in my life it's not that appealing really, at least at the moment. So I'm not really looking but keeping my eyes open for that pearl amidst the pebbles should she appear.You could try dating with a purpose... you know at least at this stage to get a firm idea of the pearl like qualities you desire. Following modern Pair/Spare theory I have found that 1) I don't get too caught up in hormonal rushes 2) It becomes easier to identify bullsh*t behaviour. 3) I find it really interesting to observe what kind of people I'm attracting as a reflection of my own issues... I seem to get a lot of atheists, which is strange because I think everyone's right personally... 4) I can find out what my own 'urrg' moments are - the things that make me go... "Urgg' too much!"... holding hands was one for a while strangely.

 

You know.. looking back at that call and the last one. I think she was just missing me .. but I can't gp back and keeping NC is the way for me.

 

Well its about you not about her. She thinks the dog's traumatised let her pay for its therapy.

 

Take care SD.

[azianpride143]

 

Is this pretty common after a divorce?

 

No dating though I've been hanging out with freinds, both men and women. I've never been one for the casual thing and at this stage in my life it's not that appealing really, at least at the moment. So I'm not really looking but keeping my eyes open for that pearl amidst the pebbles should she appear.

 

Yes enjoy being single for now. If you try to look for something like you've lost it, you won't find it. In time you will. Keep it up and keep yourself busy and that's all that matters.

 

I just wanted to say hi since it's been a long time since I last posted.

[sumdude]

I had a big one with some friends a couple of months ago- we all paid for it for the next week and were often heard lamenting "We're really not 22 anymore, we can't go see a band in the middle of the week and then go to work anymore!" Dammit just when you know how to have a really good time natures says "no more!"

 

No doubt.. a band I play with has a Tuesday night gig every month. By the time I get home it's 3AM. Wednesday at work is an a$$ dragger. Nice to play out so I don't regret it.

 

 

At one point a couple weeks back I was taken by surprise .. saw a picture of my Mom and lost it for a while.. I think maybe I never quite finished greiving for her with all the other things that happened since her death a year before the ex split.

 

Have you talked with anyone about it?

 

I have good friends to confide in as well as the folks on LS. It happened at the same time I heard my buddies mother passed away so there was a trigger for it. Really it was just natural grief, things I may not have had the time to deal with until now.

 

 

Is it a mid-life crisis or just a natural period of self examination following a series of big life events?

 

Probably a bit of both.

 

Well its about you not about her. She thinks the dog's traumatised let her pay for its therapy.

 

Take care SD.

 

ROTFL.. dog therapy.. call the canine counselor! The dog isn't the one who needs the therapy though, and I do mean that in a kind way. The ex has a lot of issues going way back to a sad childhood and possible abuse.

 

Tnx a lot mel, keep on rockin'

[sumdude]

Yes enjoy being single for now. If you try to look for something like you've lost it, you won't find it. In time you will. Keep it up and keep yourself busy and that's all that matters.

 

I just wanted to say hi since it's been a long time since I last posted.

 

Yep, that's about right, thanks. It's a natural inclination to try to get back what you've lost in one way or another. That kind of anxious need has passed with time.

 

Hope you're doing well.